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Ngobrol Sama Malam

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Malam selalu datang dengan cara yang sama: pelan, diam, tapi menekan. Lampu-lampu menyala, suara mulai mengecil, dan dunia seperti memberi ruang—bukan untuk istirahat, tapi untuk merasa. Aku sering ngobrol sama malam. Bukan karena kesepian ingin ditemani, tapi karena malam satu-satunya waktu di mana aku boleh jujur tanpa harus kuat. Tentang rindu. Rindu yang aneh. Bukan rindu yang bisa dituntaskan dengan pesan singkat, atau pertemuan singkat. Rindu yang bahkan kalau ditanya, “kangen sejauh apa?” aku nggak punya satuan ukur yang pantas. Ada rindu yang harus disimpan. Bukan karena tak ingin, tapi karena tak bisa. Bukan karena tak berani, tapi karena tak ada jalan yang benar untuk menujunya. Malam mendengarkan semuanya tanpa menghakimi. Ia tahu, ada rasa yang kalau dipaksa keluar justru akan merusak banyak hal. Ia paham, bahwa tidak semua rindu perlu dicari ujungnya. Sebagian cukup diakui keberadaannya, lalu dipeluk dalam diam. Kadang aku bertanya ke malam: “Kalau rindu ini aku biarkan sa...
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you drive me crazy

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It's the early morning gaze from the sun that starts my day bright. It's the kindness of the universe that kicks start my mood. I think earth is actually very forgiving, and it's always accepting.  Meanwhile humans are full of greed, unsatisfaction and insatiable wishes. Humans are made of soil, supposed to be strong but humans are weak. I'm so ashamed of being a human sometimes. I'm so embarrassed with the earth that contains my formula. I'm so undeserving to be present in this world of how much I'm very useless. The earth deserves better.
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Holiday Highlight: A Winter Blur Across West Europe

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I just came back from a whirlwind trip with my mom—six countries in ten days across West Europe. Yes, you read that right. Six countries . Ten days . Winter. A demanding mother. And a suitcase that felt heavier every morning. Was it exhausting? Absolutely. Would I do it again? …Probably also yes. Cold and quiet Lucerne Travelling in winter is a different flavour of tired. The air bites a little, your fingers go numb while you’re trying to take photos, text your lovers, and strolling around charming European streets suddenly feels like a cardio challenge. But still, there was something magical about it; the cold breath, warm lights, the smell of pollution-free cities, and the constant hum of new places rushing past you. This trip was packed—like, “no nap, no mercy” kind of packed. My mom (being my mom, you know if you know my mom) wanted to see everything , taste everything , and shop everywhere (she really ended up buying EVERYTHING from head to toe) . I swear sometimes I felt like th...
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The Cool Crazy Kind of Love

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I’ll take pictures of you and save them. I know you’ve never liked it, but I will. You’re so pretty; I really like you and I want to capture you. There is no ugly picture when you’re in it. You’ve never shown affection in public, but I’ll take you somewhere warm — the kind of place that feels like sunlight and soft laughter, where you can finally feel safe being loved out loud. I’ll make sure you feel it, unconditionally.  I’ll serve you coffee, maybe tea, even though you always insist on pouring your own. But I want to show devotion, because you’re worth serving.  I’ll be as vulnerable as I can, so you’ll have space to help me, so maybe you’ll feel needed again, after years of learning to survive alone. I’ll let myself depend on you a little, just enough for you to remember what it feels like to be essential.  I’ll read what you read, so you never feel alone in your thoughts. But I’ll still argue with you about books, about the latest news, about everything that matters....
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it's okay to be sad and vulnerable (2)

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I just had to add number 2 at the end of this title, because I feel like this is a re-reflective writing. Talked to shrink yesterday, just brief talk of me breaking down what I've been lately, and she said: 1. Why do you have to always be so rational and put things into logical order? 2. When was the last time you feel sad? And express your sadness? 3. Do you punch back when someone punches you? 4. What is your realest coping mechanism other than being in denial at most of the times? I said, "I don't see the point of making stuff harder and more complicated........." Then she cut me : " You always say 'I don't', you always negate everything that goes against your favour, and that makes you even more distant to the question you have been asking " At the end of an hour session, I came to a conclusion: I deny pain, I let things slide too often that there has never been a clear solution. Only escape after escape. Only postponed problems. Only endless...
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The Day My Room Smells Pandan

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I truly believe it was a piss of a racoon. Or a little fox's at least. It smells weirdly good. It's completely weird when you like something so disgusting because it smells good. To find beauty in what’s repulsive, to let one sense reign while the others wait in silence. Remember, smelling is not the only sense in you. There are other senses, the ones you have ignored while you maxed yourself in your smelling sense. So after that smell gone. Let's go back to the rest but the smelling, even if it means turning your smelling sense off for a while. It's good for you. You've been on the wrong way of defining what is good for you. I think you even deceived yourself about what is good for you, that's bad. So here's a new direction. Get over some senses for a while and focus on the others. You will recover, and everything will be fine again. Redirecting is not a bad thing, even at some point it is necessary. Let's go.
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tentang jeda dan rasa rindu yang terjaga

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Kita terbiasa berpikir bahwa rindu muncul karena kehilangan. Tapi ternyata, rindu juga bisa tumbuh dari kehadiran yang sengaja dijauhkan. Bukan karena tak ingin dekat, melainkan karena tahu; kedekatan tanpa jeda bisa kehilangan makna. Dalam jeda, ada waktu untuk mengingat tanpa tergesa. Ada ruang untuk bertanya pada diri sendiri: apakah yang kita rasakan masih sama, atau justru tumbuh dalam diamnya? Rasa rindu yang terjaga bukanlah perasaan yang menyiksa, melainkan tanda bahwa sesuatu masih hidup di dalam diri — meski tak lagi dipegang erat. Ia seperti cahaya kecil di sudut hati, yang tak padam meski malam datang panjang. Mungkin memang begitulah cinta yang matang: Ia tahu kapan harus mendekat, dan kapan harus menjaga jarak. Bukan untuk menjauh, tapi untuk menjaga agar rasa tetap bernapas. Dan di antara jeda itu, rindu menjadi lebih jernih. Bukan tentang ingin memiliki, tapi tentang menghargai — bahwa kehadiran tidak harus selalu dekat, untuk tetap terasa. And if you miss me, this post...
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