tulisan hampa

As someone who believes in superstitious things, I merely rely myself on my salah. I know, it might sound so dumb to some people; how you rely on a performance of a few meditating rituals, five times a day, reading some sort of spells, and pouring your heart into an absurd thing called 'faith'. I know. But to some others, it's like a safe space almost like an escape. To me, last minute rescue. Let me tell you a story of how one night I was so desperate about things I cannot control in life, and I went to perform my salah. And magically the problems were gone. Ada fase di hidup gue di mana semua pintu rasanya ketutup rapi. Bukan dramatis yang teriak-teriak, tapi jenis putus asa yang sunyi. Yang bikin dada berat, kepala rame, tapi ke orang lain cuma bisa bilang, “gapapa kok.”  Malam itu gue sampai di titik:  Oke. Kayaknya gue udah mentok. I don't think I can do this. There goes my plan Z: I performed tahajjud. Just as an escape route, and hoping that at least I can medit...

Kita sering bangga (dan rightly so) sebagai manusia. We think. We question. We doubt. Kita pakai logika, debat soal etika, ngulik moral, bahkan—let’s be honest—merayakan free mind. Manusia dikasih privilege yang nggak kecil: kebebasan berpikir. Kita boleh setuju, boleh nggak. Boleh patuh, boleh membangkang. Boleh percaya, boleh skeptis. Dan sering kali, kebebasan ini kita anggap sebagai bukti paling valid bahwa manusia itu “merdeka”. But then… there’s this one thing we never get to negotiate with. Gravitasi . Sesederhana itu. Sekaligus serumit itu. Kita boleh denial soal banyak hal—nilai, ideologi, bahkan keberadaan Tuhan. Tapi lompat dari lantai 39? Gravity doesn’t care about your free will. It pulls you. You fall. Period. Tubuh kita tumbuh dengan asumsi ada “atas” dan “bawah”. Tulang kita menguat karena setiap hari menahan berat badan. Darah mengalir, otot bekerja, postur terbentuk, semuanya aligned dengan hukum alam yang sama sekali nggak nanya pendapat kita. No voting. No consent f...

Acara yang kelihatannya sederhana—duduk manis, senyum sopan, air mata ditahan—ternyata diam-diam jadi panggung refleksi besar tentang peran hidup di tiap fase umur manusia . Hari itu aku nggak cuma nemenin adik bungsu dilamar. Aku lagi nonton hidup. One phase at a time. --- Ada sang kakek. Duduknya tenang. Nggak banyak bicara, tapi semua nunggu suaranya. Kalau beliau angkat alis sedikit aja, satu ruangan langsung hening. Di umur segitu, seseorang nggak lagi dinilai dari pencapaian terbaru, tapi dari track record hidupnya . How you loved. How you survived. How you treated people when nobody was watching. Terus aku mikir: At 80-something, I want to be remembered as who? Orang bijak? Orang baik? Orang yang “nggak gampang tapi pantas didengar”? Karena ternyata, reputasi hidup itu bukan dibangun pas tua. It’s accumulated. Pelan-pelan. Seumur hidup. --- Ada sang ayah. Ah, ini bagian paling sunyi tapi paling riuh di dalam hati. Berat. Bangga. Sedih. Haru. Relief. Loss. Al...

HAPPY NEW YEAR! January is almost over, and somehow I already feel like time is walking faster than my heart can fully follow. 2026 arrived quietly, without fireworks inside me, but with a subtle shift in the air—like standing at the edge of a new road that looks both inviting and unfamiliar.  I am truly excited, but also scared. There’s a new journey unfolding in front of me, and for once, I can’t predict how it will look. No clear map. No perfect plan. Just a direction and a feeling that says, “You have to go anyway.” Excitement comes with that. So does fear. And I’m learning that maybe they are supposed to coexist. I wake up a bit later when I can these days, just to smell my kids longer and to feel their hug deeper. Because this year, I don't really have MANY goals, just a few but BIG ones. So I think it's a far enough reason to keep up with the kids before losing my time with them and owing them so so many milestones in a year time. Maybe. What I’m really preparing this y...

Malam selalu datang dengan cara yang sama: pelan, diam, tapi menekan. Lampu-lampu menyala, suara mulai mengecil, dan dunia seperti memberi ruang—bukan untuk istirahat, tapi untuk merasa. Aku sering ngobrol sama malam. Bukan karena kesepian ingin ditemani, tapi karena malam satu-satunya waktu di mana aku boleh jujur tanpa harus kuat. Tentang rindu. Rindu yang aneh. Bukan rindu yang bisa dituntaskan dengan pesan singkat, atau pertemuan singkat. Rindu yang bahkan kalau ditanya, “kangen sejauh apa?” aku nggak punya satuan ukur yang pantas. Ada rindu yang harus disimpan. Bukan karena tak ingin, tapi karena tak bisa. Bukan karena tak berani, tapi karena tak ada jalan yang benar untuk menujunya. Malam mendengarkan semuanya tanpa menghakimi. Ia tahu, ada rasa yang kalau dipaksa keluar justru akan merusak banyak hal. Ia paham, bahwa tidak semua rindu perlu dicari ujungnya. Sebagian cukup diakui keberadaannya, lalu dipeluk dalam diam. Kadang aku bertanya ke malam: “Kalau rindu ini aku biarkan sa...

It's the early morning gaze from the sun that starts my day bright. It's the kindness of the universe that kicks start my mood. I think earth is actually very forgiving, and it's always accepting.  Meanwhile humans are full of greed, unsatisfaction and insatiable wishes. Humans are made of soil, supposed to be strong but humans are weak. I'm so ashamed of being a human sometimes. I'm so embarrassed with the earth that contains my formula. I'm so undeserving to be present in this world of how much I'm very useless. The earth deserves better.