tulisan hampa

I pushed myself too hard and I am sorry about it. If you ask me, what is the biggest regret in my life, I rarely have answer to that. I'm usually the thankful grateful and cheerful girl who forgives and forgets easily. Almost for every mistakes, pain and many harmful events people would have caused me or involved me in. But I think these days, I am starting to feel guilty to myself for hurting myself without realising it. Yes, by pushing myself too hard. When I was little, I loved to joke around my parents on how I'd buy them cars and provide them with drivers. So they would spend their retirement peacefully and without hassle. We laughed, they amen-ed that, then moved on to another discussion. People that I know, it was only a little part of the conversation. The bigger one is the fact that why I wanted "that" to be my dream; materialism. I was surrounded by privilege that I forgot intangible things; education, safety, assurance, attention, and love. I'm deeply s...

Kita sering bangga (dan rightly so) sebagai manusia. We think. We question. We doubt. Kita pakai logika, debat soal etika, ngulik moral, bahkan—let’s be honest—merayakan free mind. Manusia dikasih privilege yang nggak kecil: kebebasan berpikir. Kita boleh setuju, boleh nggak. Boleh patuh, boleh membangkang. Boleh percaya, boleh skeptis. Dan sering kali, kebebasan ini kita anggap sebagai bukti paling valid bahwa manusia itu “merdeka”. But then… there’s this one thing we never get to negotiate with. Gravitasi . Sesederhana itu. Sekaligus serumit itu. Kita boleh denial soal banyak hal—nilai, ideologi, bahkan keberadaan Tuhan. Tapi lompat dari lantai 39? Gravity doesn’t care about your free will. It pulls you. You fall. Period. Tubuh kita tumbuh dengan asumsi ada “atas” dan “bawah”. Tulang kita menguat karena setiap hari menahan berat badan. Darah mengalir, otot bekerja, postur terbentuk, semuanya aligned dengan hukum alam yang sama sekali nggak nanya pendapat kita. No voting. No consent f...

HAPPY NEW YEAR! January is almost over, and somehow I already feel like time is walking faster than my heart can fully follow. 2026 arrived quietly, without fireworks inside me, but with a subtle shift in the air—like standing at the edge of a new road that looks both inviting and unfamiliar.  I am truly excited, but also scared. There’s a new journey unfolding in front of me, and for once, I can’t predict how it will look. No clear map. No perfect plan. Just a direction and a feeling that says, “You have to go anyway.” Excitement comes with that. So does fear. And I’m learning that maybe they are supposed to coexist. I wake up a bit later when I can these days, just to smell my kids longer and to feel their hug deeper. Because this year, I don't really have MANY goals, just a few but BIG ones. So I think it's a far enough reason to keep up with the kids before losing my time with them and owing them so so many milestones in a year time. Maybe. What I’m really preparing this y...

Malam selalu datang dengan cara yang sama: pelan, diam, tapi menekan. Lampu-lampu menyala, suara mulai mengecil, dan dunia seperti memberi ruang—bukan untuk istirahat, tapi untuk merasa. Aku sering ngobrol sama malam. Bukan karena kesepian ingin ditemani, tapi karena malam satu-satunya waktu di mana aku boleh jujur tanpa harus kuat. Tentang rindu. Rindu yang aneh. Bukan rindu yang bisa dituntaskan dengan pesan singkat, atau pertemuan singkat. Rindu yang bahkan kalau ditanya, “kangen sejauh apa?” aku nggak punya satuan ukur yang pantas. Ada rindu yang harus disimpan. Bukan karena tak ingin, tapi karena tak bisa. Bukan karena tak berani, tapi karena tak ada jalan yang benar untuk menujunya. Malam mendengarkan semuanya tanpa menghakimi. Ia tahu, ada rasa yang kalau dipaksa keluar justru akan merusak banyak hal. Ia paham, bahwa tidak semua rindu perlu dicari ujungnya. Sebagian cukup diakui keberadaannya, lalu dipeluk dalam diam. Kadang aku bertanya ke malam: “Kalau rindu ini aku biarkan sa...

I just had to add number 2 at the end of this title, because I feel like this is a re-reflective writing. Talked to shrink yesterday, just brief talk of me breaking down what I've been lately, and she said: 1. Why do you have to always be so rational and put things into logical order? 2. When was the last time you feel sad? And express your sadness? 3. Do you punch back when someone punches you? 4. What is your realest coping mechanism other than being in denial at most of the times? I said, "I don't see the point of making stuff harder and more complicated........." Then she cut me : " You always say 'I don't', you always negate everything that goes against your favour, and that makes you even more distant to the question you have been asking " At the end of an hour session, I came to a conclusion: I deny pain, I let things slide too often that there has never been a clear solution. Only escape after escape. Only postponed problems. Only endless...

I truly believe it was a piss of a racoon. Or a little fox's at least. It smells weirdly good. It's completely weird when you like something so disgusting because it smells good. To find beauty in what’s repulsive, to let one sense reign while the others wait in silence. Remember, smelling is not the only sense in you. There are other senses, the ones you have ignored while you maxed yourself in your smelling sense. So after that smell gone. Let's go back to the rest but the smelling, even if it means turning your smelling sense off for a while. It's good for you. You've been on the wrong way of defining what is good for you. I think you even deceived yourself about what is good for you, that's bad. So here's a new direction. Get over some senses for a while and focus on the others. You will recover, and everything will be fine again. Redirecting is not a bad thing, even at some point it is necessary. Let's go.

Kita terbiasa berpikir bahwa rindu muncul karena kehilangan. Tapi ternyata, rindu juga bisa tumbuh dari kehadiran yang sengaja dijauhkan. Bukan karena tak ingin dekat, melainkan karena tahu; kedekatan tanpa jeda bisa kehilangan makna. Dalam jeda, ada waktu untuk mengingat tanpa tergesa. Ada ruang untuk bertanya pada diri sendiri: apakah yang kita rasakan masih sama, atau justru tumbuh dalam diamnya? Rasa rindu yang terjaga bukanlah perasaan yang menyiksa, melainkan tanda bahwa sesuatu masih hidup di dalam diri — meski tak lagi dipegang erat. Ia seperti cahaya kecil di sudut hati, yang tak padam meski malam datang panjang. Mungkin memang begitulah cinta yang matang: Ia tahu kapan harus mendekat, dan kapan harus menjaga jarak. Bukan untuk menjauh, tapi untuk menjaga agar rasa tetap bernapas. Dan di antara jeda itu, rindu menjadi lebih jernih. Bukan tentang ingin memiliki, tapi tentang menghargai — bahwa kehadiran tidak harus selalu dekat, untuk tetap terasa. And if you miss me, this post...

November always feels like that quiet in-between month — belum benar-benar akhir tahun, tapi juga bukan lagi “masa sibuk” yang penuh semangat awal. It’s the calm before whatever December brings. A kind of stillness, but not entirely still. Not as much as I love September, but November is quite something too. This year, November feels… full. Full of waiting, mostly. Waiting for approvals, feedbacks, green lights. For ideas to become something more than proposals. For my name to appear in an email subject line that could possibly change the next few years of my life. I can’t say much — not yet — but I’m applying for something big. Something that sounds so formal and academic, yet so deeply personal to me. Between drafts, revisions, and endless forms, I keep thinking: what if this is it? What if this is where everything starts to unfold? Di sisi lain, November juga membawa excitement yang lain; travelling with my mom. It feels surreal, honestly. We’ve talked about it for year...

Our Common Mistake: Thinking People Would Do the Same You know that feeling when you do something kind for someone — maybe you text first, you check in, you help, you remember their birthday — and somehow, deep down, you expect they’d do the same for you? And when they don’t, you start wondering, “Am I asking too much?” or worse, “Do they even care?” Here’s the thing: one of the quietest mistakes we often make in relationships, friendships, even work, is this — we assume people would act, think, or feel the same way we do. We expect others to show love the way we show it. We expect them to care the way we care. We expect them to be as thoughtful, as considerate, as emotionally aware as we are. But people are not mirrors. They’re entire worlds with different weather, languages, and rules. Maybe you grew up in a home where saying thank you mattered. Someone else might have grown up where showing up mattered more than saying the words. You might think helping means offering s...

Pernah nggak sih kamu ngobrol sama seseorang, terus setelah sekian lama obrolan bergulir, kamu merasa tidak bisa berhenti ngobrol dengan dia? Bukan. Bukan karena topiknya seru, justru topiknya tidak terstruktur, tidak beresensi, bahkan tidak ada topik. Cuma keberadaannya saja, dan keberadaan kalian berdua yang membuat semuanya lebih bermakna dari isi obrolannya. Dan anehnya, kamu nggak merasa butuh untuk menjelaskan apa-apa. Kalimatmu bisa setengah, dan dia tetap paham. Kadang diam pun terasa seperti bahasa yang sama. Ada ruang yang tidak diisi kata, tapi justru di sanalah kedekatan itu tumbuh — bukan karena intensitas bicara, tapi karena kehadiran yang saling diterima. Mungkin begini rasanya “ nyambung ” dalam arti yang paling jujur. Bukan karena sepakat dalam segala hal, tapi karena ada frekuensi yang sama — tenang, hangat, dan tidak memaksa. Kalian tidak sedang berusaha membuat kesan, tidak juga ingin terlihat menarik. Kalian cuma… ada. Dan ketika perbincangan itu selesai, kamu me...

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. They also say you can’t pour from an empty cup. Well, I found out the hard way that you also can’t function from an empty stomach. It all started one random morning when I decided to skip breakfast. You know, just a small rebellion against the nutrition gods. I told myself, “It’s fine, I’ll just eat later.” Spoiler alert: I didn’t eat later. By 10 AM, my stomach was already composing a full orchestra. By 11, my brain had officially submitted its resignation letter. By noon, I was seriously questioning all my life choices—including why I ever believed coffee could replace food. But here’s the twist: I survived. Yes, barely. My body was running on sheer willpower, caffeine, and regret, but it made it through. I reached the end of the day with my dignity slightly dented and my stomach plotting revenge. So, was skipping breakfast dangerous? Absolutely. Did I die? Not yet. Turns out, skipping breakfast won’t kill you instantly—it’ll ...

There are moments in life when I find myself tangled in a web of confusion — like standing in the middle of a messy room, unsure where to begin, or trying to untie a knot that only seems to tighten the more I pull. Emotions blur. Decisions seem heavier. The future feels foggy. And the worst part? I don’t even know why I feel stuck. But then… something shifts. A conversation. A long-overdue cry. A sudden realisation at 2 a.m. A quote in a book. A verse I've read a thousand times but only now it hits differently. And just like that — suddenly everything makes sense again . Clarity doesn’t always arrive in a grand revelation. Sometimes, it whispers. Sometimes, it walks in quietly while I'm busy trying to fix everything else. It's that moment when I look back and go, "Oh… that's why that happened." It’s like God rewinds my life, connects the dots, and hands me the map I didn’t know I needed. The chaos didn’t disappear, but it no longer defines me. The ques...

You are the luckiest, because I speak Foreign Language. I absolutely know and understand the language you speak, and though conflict happened, it wasn't because I didn't understand it, but because I chose to be angry instead of accepting. But last night was special. You said "I love you" in Foreign Language, which I think you think I don't know, or I don't care. But I know, and it means so much to me. The more special thing was it happened during my sober time, I wasn't asleep or unconscious, I was fully awake and in my brain's primetime. Of course I still dislike quite some things and moment. But dislike-ness isn't my priority these days, I have selected the best emotions and managed the best reaction and action towards all situation by realising that we can always CHOOSE how to behave. I can always CHOOSE to stay quiet or to speak up. I can always CHOOSE to start and respond the conflict or sit down and watch. Yes, I occasionally love watching fa...

I was wrong to think that this is the safe space I could talk about you or anything else that I can't express in person. I was completely wrong to think that you wouldn't find me here. I was, of course, wrong to think that I went unnoticed. You are one of the things I think about before I sleep almost every night. Just almost, because one or two nights, my mind couldn't occupy more than the exhaustion of adoring you. Yes, to you, perhaps I don't exist. Or maybe I don't read it well to realise that I am meant to go unnoticed anyway. The expectation kills, they say, and I believe them. Yet, I don't find anything more reasonable than having and expectation to go through day by day in my life. Expecting and hoping you would finally see, or realise, or sense, or,,, ah, it's just an expectation. Yes it kills. So let me blog you, to keep myself reminded one day why I put up with insanity of watching and loving you from distance. Only a slight faith, but it's mo...

 Di sela makan malam, Anita dan Afrizal, sepasang suami istri yang baru saja menikah, memulai sebuah obrolan hati ke hati. "Honey, gimana rasanya menikah dengan orang yang mudah ditindas seperti aku?" Anita tanpa aba-aba dan konteks mendadak menanyakan hal tentang kelemahannya. Afrizal mengernyitkan dahi dan menatap istrinya dengan bingung, "Memang iya kamu mudah ditindas? Kenapa kamu pikir aku akan menindas kamu?" Afrizal bukan tidak mau menjawab pertanyaan absurd istrinya, tapi ia sepenuhnya bingung dengan pertanyaan tersebut. Pertanyaan baliknya tidak direspon. Dihitungnya hingga 3 suapan masing-masing mereka terhadap makanan dan tetap tidak ada jawaban. Hingga suapan ke-empat, Anita baru meminum sedikit air putih untuk mengosongkan kerongkongan dan memastikan suaranya terdengar jelas oleh suaminya. "Selepas perceraianku kemarin, aku merasa jadi orang yang paling lemah sedunia. Mungkin lebay  ya? Tapi itulah yang kurasa, sepertinya mudah dan enak menikah den...

Aku mengingat beberapa kali 60 menit bersama Syazka, seorang psikolog yang membantuku memetakan perasaan dan masalahku di tahun 2019. Sekitar 2 tahun lalu. Ya. Saat itu aku sedang berjuang melawan diriku sendiri yang menolak melihat kenyataan dan keadaan pahit, dan memilih melihat hal baik yang menyakitkan. Syazka membantuku memetakan lewat pertanyaan; apa perasaanku, apa yang kumau, apa yang sedang aku pikirkan, apa yang membuatku sedih dan senang. Syazka memintaku menuliskan perasaanku, pikiranku dan pilihanku serta sikapku. Aku tidak ingat kapan aku menangis se-menangis aku saat bertemu Syazka pertama kali. Sebuah tangisan yang begitu pilu namun membingungkan. Entah mentalku yang tidak terbiasa mendapat masalah, atau memang masalahku memang terlewat berat sehingga tubuh yang terbiasa lincah ceria ini kehilangan bobot massanya dan terus dirundung rasa duka yang mendalam. Malam-malam dingin datang dimana yang kurasakan sering kuungkapkan pada Syazka. Aku juga mengungkapkan pertanyaan ...

I woke up this morning to a sudden feeling of emptiness. I usually wiped it with a prayer or another thought so that I keep my mind off of the thing that confused me. This morning, I embraced it. I let my tears fall, as usual, nobody wiped it. My chest started to pound hard holding the pain. This isn't the best feeling to wake up to on Sunday morning. But who loves Sunday? After a few minutes, I tried closing my eyes again to go back to sleep. Too bad, sleep didn't help as what I saw in my dream is just another vision of fear and doubtfulness. So I woke up again to another deeper doubt and confusion. This time, I shook my mind off by writing a blog. Yet another tears fell down. I don't want to define any feelings or expectations right now. I'm learning to experience another emotional confusion that I think I need to get used to. I know it seems hard, but the hardest part of my life has been done a couple of times a few years back. So this one is another lemon, right?

Untuk pertama kalinya dalam sejarah blogging-ku, aku berharap postingan ini tidak ada yang membaca dan mempedulikan. Iya, karena ada kalanya aku merasa bertanggung jawab pada panca indera dan kemampuan literasiku yang minim ini untuk kuungkapkan hal yang tidak bisa kuungkap langsung pada manusia, namun telah kuungkap pada sang Pencipta. Aku begitu lelah setiap memulai tahap pertama, bahkan rasa lelahnya ada sejak saat kutahu bahwa aku akan memulai lagi. Aku sering merasa takut dan ragu akan hal yang aku sendiri tidak bisa menjelaskannya. Sering aku ungkap risauku di sepertiga malamku, kadang sampai menetes air mataku dengan semua galaunya urusan dunia. Sering aku merasa rindu Kampung Akhirat, tapi setiap aku buka mataku di pagi harinya, aku tersadar lagi bahwa menurut Tuhan aku belum pantas mencapainya. Menurut Tuhan, mungkin, aku masih butuh beberapa waktu lagi untuk membuktikan diri sambil terus berjalan hingga sampai pada titik kepantasan aku dipanggil oleh-Nya. Aku sering merasa se...

It was a very sunny and hot afternoon. A small part of me wants to pull over and stop this lap, because I am so exhausted. Suddenly, the memory of the starting line replayed in my head. I said I wanted to finish this race no matter how hard it gets and no matter how painful the laps are. I wanted to keep going and embrace all the journey's experiences. I wanted to move forward to pass the hard paths or turns, because I know no hardships last long, they will all pass. So I pushed the gas pedal harder, I think I almost touched the ground with my right foot. But I keep pushing, I will finish this race.

Pagiku dimulai dengan menghirup udara yang meniup niup setelah hujan. Iya, aroma tanah basah setelah hujan; petrichor. Aku mendekap kedua bahuku erat, aku bilang terima kasih sudah bertahan, terima kasih sudah berjuang. Untuk sekali dalam sekian lama, aku merasa cukup dan tidak banyak menuntut. Aku memilih memaafkan diriku sendiri yang memang terbatas dan tidak selalu terbalas. Aku memaafkan diriku yang masih dalam tahap belajar tanpa berhenti. Aku mendalami rasa lelah di setiap sendi badanku, aku merasakan tulangku seperti menegaskan kehadirannya dan menopangku secara mental lebih kuat lagi. Tulang kakiku seperti berbisik pada nadi di sekitarnya untuk tetap kuat dan berdiri tegak. Punggungku seperti mendengar dan turut bersorak lewat tegapnya dan mekarnya diafragma yang terasa. Aku memilih memaafkan diriku yang masih begitu belia dalam memahami banyak hal. Aku memaafkan diriku lewat pelukan sepertiga malam dan berkata hal-hal afirmasi dalam hati supaya langkahku lurus lagi. Supaya sia...