tulisan hampa

Hai masa lalu! Terima kasih sudah menyampaikan aku di hari ini, di diriku yang saat ini. Terima kasih sudah mengantarkan kekuatan dari hantaman kerasnya kehidupan sampai di titik ini. Terima kasih sudah mau memulai walau tau akan berakhir. Terima kasih sudah menyempatkan memberi warna lebih dari sekedar hitam dan putih. Terima kasih sudah berbaik hati dan berbagi arti. Terima kasih mau melangkah walau terjal dan aral yang melelahkan. Terima kasih untuk memberi kesempatan tertawa di antara getirnya peristiwa. Terima kasih sudah mengajak susah setelah senang, dan sebaliknya. Terima kasih sudah membuka lagi harapan yang kukira sudah tertutup. Terima kasih untuk setiap genggaman hangat dan pelukan ketenangan dalam badai keseharian. Terima kasih untuk ide cemerlang yang memberi pusingku terang. Terima kasih setiap boncengan yang mengantarkan pulang. Terima kasih untuk setiap detak jantung dan nadi kesehatan. Terima kasih mau mencoba walau kadang bingung antara kiri dan kanan. Terima kasih s...

Ya Allah Aku penasaran setengah mati dengan yang Kau rencanakan. Apakah itu sungguh jalan kebenaran? Aku penasaran dengan ide yang kau gagalkan. Apakah itu sungguh tidak pantas berjalan. Aku nggak marah, Ya Allah. Cuma penasaran aja, & menumpahkan apa yang seharusnya kutumpahkan hanya padaMu. Aku nggak marah, Ya Allah. Hanya menyampaikan aja beratnya tumpuan & beban yang sedang kuperjuangkan. Aku nggak marah, Ya Allah. Aku ridho, karena aku tau, sayangMu padaku melebihi sayangnya makhlukMu pada apapun. Biar pelan-pelan kutelan semua rasa kasihan & penasaran. Agar besok pagi aku bisa bangun sedikit lebih ringan, dari hari pertama mengalami perpisahan. Innalillahi wa innailaihi roji'un.

Day 6  19 November 2020 It's getting easier each day, at the same time harder. Because fish will always smell wherever they're hidden. I smell something fishy, so either I have a sucker's nose, or something isn't just right. I'm about to find out. Each day is getting smoother for me & harder for him. Until they day it comes.

Day 5 18 November 2020 What do you think I'm waiting for? Is it worth the wait? It was nice today, got to talk to another couple about we solve relationship issue when it comes to being honest. I guess each couple has their own way & their closure. Mine? Still learning which one actually suits me. Nervous, so nervous. When you have so much doubt in your head & your heart.

Day 4 17 November 2020 It's tiring to do things all over again. It's tiring to always questioning the same thing. It's very tiring to build that wall back up. It's tiring to be doubtful about hindsight moments. Yey I haven't stopped. Why?

 Day 3 16 November 2020 Shit, the temptation to go through his property came again. And it hit very hard. I was shaking but a glass of warm water helped me, I took a deep breath and went back to sleep. I tried to think positive and I had my affirmation and mantra to get me back to sleep again. It was horrible, the feeling is horrible.

Day 2 15 November 2020 Day 2, we had a waterfall day. Nothing. Other than the same guilty excitement like yesterday, today was nothing new. Not yet the terms I gave, not yet the committment I expected. And again I have to self-doubt & self-question if I am the bad guy, if I made a wrong decision by being soft (again). Again, I wonder & tempted. But let's wait, it's only been day 2. Until the next time I got you.

Day 1  14 November 2020 He's sweet. I don't have to tell the details but I'm just gonna jot down what I noticed on the way today. He stared at me when I accidentally caught him inputting his password to his phone. He's very sweet the way I like it. We talked politics & we agreed on few things we laughed at. He's sweet & let's see how long it lasts.