it's okay to be sad and vulnerable (2)

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I just had to add number 2 at the end of this title, because I feel like this is a re-reflective writing. Talked to shrink yesterday, just brief talk of me breaking down what I've been lately, and she said:
1. Why do you have to always be so rational and put things into logical order?
2. When was the last time you feel sad? And express your sadness?
3. Do you punch back when someone punches you?
4. What is your realest coping mechanism other than being in denial at most of the times?

I said, "I don't see the point of making stuff harder and more complicated........."

Then she cut me :
"You always say 'I don't', you always negate everything that goes against your favour, and that makes you even more distant to the question you have been asking"

At the end of an hour session, I came to a conclusion: I deny pain, I let things slide too often that there has never been a clear solution. Only escape after escape. Only postponed problems. Only endless time-bomb I set to myself. 

Once too often, really, I embrace the pain too. But never really in the surface, not when people can see more of what I want them to see me. Because when I did, it was the wrong decision to make. 

I will never really trust humans and their biased interests, and their fluctuative emotions, and their dark past, and their personal agenda, and their so-called kindness, and their temporary presence. Trust is so expensive. 

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