i was wrong.

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I pushed myself too hard and I am sorry about it.
If you ask me, what is the biggest regret in my life, I rarely have answer to that. I'm usually the thankful grateful and cheerful girl who forgives and forgets easily. Almost for every mistakes, pain and many harmful events people would have caused me or involved me in.

But I think these days, I am starting to feel guilty to myself for hurting myself without realising it. Yes, by pushing myself too hard.

When I was little, I loved to joke around my parents on how I'd buy them cars and provide them with drivers. So they would spend their retirement peacefully and without hassle. We laughed, they amen-ed that, then moved on to another discussion.

People that I know, it was only a little part of the conversation. The bigger one is the fact that why I wanted "that" to be my dream; materialism. I was surrounded by privilege that I forgot intangible things; education, safety, assurance, attention, and love. I'm deeply saddened when I remember that day when I was little and we travelled on a road trip with our family. I failed breaking down and tracing: why don't we have it anymore these days? I lost track of when did we have our last talk without hurting each other silently?

That conversation reminded me that, probably, just probably, I'm looking at the wrong direction and setting the wrong goal. For instance I am now sitting in education level that my parents couldn't afford or even think of when they were young. That is wild. Not only expensive, but so wild. & For many days I take it for granted. Passed my mock up proposal hearing and still felt so guilty for not being too good.

See? Pushed myself too hard that I think that's what has gone wrong. 
Turns out what I thought to be grateful enough, is not enough. 
Turns out what I thought I was thankful enough, is not sincere enough.
And turns out a cheerful person like me, can be so mad for many inabilities I am accounted for.


Sigh, I guess I need to look the other way around from many more corners, so I won't be easily pleased by small achievements nor easily dissatisfied by small drawbacks.

Maybe.

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