Tempat Berpulang Buatmu

Writing this one while I'm tucking my kids in bed, I could not help to not think about you and the things we've been through. I really never thought we'd go this far.

Kamu, yang tadinya tempatku bermain, melepas lelah dan sedih, kini jadi tempatku berpulang menceritakan lebih dari kelelahan dan kesedihan.

Kamu, yang tadinya tempatku mengukir tawa dan berbagai canda, kini jadi tempatku menulis cerita tentang yang sendu hingga yang lucu.

Kamu, yang kukira adalah perhentian sekilasku, ternyata lebih nyaman dari semua rencana ku.

Kamu yang begitu bersahaja sekaligus begitu banyak rahasia. Kamu yang begitu diam namun menyimpan banyak rasa dan cerita. Kamu yang begitu menenangkan sekaligus suka bertualang. Kamu yang begitu lembut namun sangat kuat hatinya.

I really feel undeserving to have met a person like you. I am so swept off of my feet to be loved by a person like you. There is nothing but gratefulness that I'd feel and express when it comes to having you in my life.

Then I am so scared.

Of losing you, of losing us. Because the pattern is: all good things come to an end.

So I'll surrender to the Most Eternal, to keep my heart tend to Him only. And if you're really written for me, we'll find a way around based on His Guidance.

I truly love you, because of Allah.

The Most Merciful and The Most Gracious.

An Update: A July Update

 Never thought I'd write the title in such repetition, I hate myself.

So just want to update you about what has been going on between me and... LIFE. In general, life has been good.  I gotta admit it's mostly because I'm pulled to a therapeutic way to God and the universe. It's nice to have my 1/3 night on sajadah telling my problems and thoughts, unheard, unseen and un-judged by any human-beings. It's so very nice that I think God needs to give me more problems so I can enjoy the bliss being awake at that time and just cry for no reason, or whisper prayers I haven't even heard before.

Well, another update I want to highlight is how low key my relationship with Hafiz has been. It's not only because we started off at the wrong line, but also I learned that being low key is so nice at some point. I get to see other perspectives and way to enjoy the subtle and humble life. I saved more and spent more on important stuff almost always, missed here and there but managed to keep it up.

We are getting married.

Yes, if you're reading this, we are getting married. It's a HUGE leap and a HUGE decision I gotta make in life. Perhaps my bestie would call it impulsive, I call it taking the leap. Of course I thought of crazy things at night about fidelity, betrayal, lies and other bitter shit that come along with marriage AND RELATIONSHIPS in general. But I'll take it, he's worth the shot because he's a keeper.

The other day, he was tested positive for covid, I was PANICKED as hell but managed to look calm (but not to him perhaps). A week, he went negative, all we did was getting more and more attached and I really liked his company. What makes me so fully aware is acknowledging all my flaws and bad temper attitude to him, yet he stays. I told him all my insecurities and vices, hoping he'd react. Oh he did, he stays. He didn't care and he's willing to go through it all. It's just weird, this is falling in love in a weird way, and I like it.

I'll update you again how our wedding plan is going, but not today. I'm hitting the bed now.