You're in Doubt.

You are not tired or failing. You are not even falling down, you are only in doubt.
Seperti banyak emosi lainnya, kali ini emosi kamu mungkin disalahartikan oleh pikiran dan tubuhmu.
You think you are exhausted and so fragile. I tell you what, no, you are not. You are only in doubt.
Kamu cuma perlu berhenti sebentar, atau melambatkan langkahmu. Lihat sekitarmu, dengar apa yang dibisikkan padamu tapi kamu tidak mendengar.
Not because you are deaf, but you are so busy listening to the loud noise inside you. Or you are simply becoming the.noise that distracts you from yourself.
Coba dengar sekitarmu, yang bisikannya sering kamu abaikan karena kamu sibuk.
Coba lihat sebelahmu, yang menatapmu kagum penuh harap.

Look at me.
I am staring at you, silently yet supportively. I am staring at you with loads of hopes that even no words can describe how much I am so proud of you.
I watch you bear all the pain, responsibility, wisdom and dreams of not only yours but also others.
I watch you talk and think and walk at the same time, and I want to tell you that not everyone is able to do what you do. I wish saying "you do great!" is enough, but it is not. Those words don't represent what you actually are. You are beyond great, you are the bearer of the hardship in life and you still manage to hold my hands just to tell me that things are going to be alright.

Kamu dan jam dua malammu dengan logika dan sisa tenagamu. Kamu dan semua kelapangandadamu menerima berbagai keadaan dan ancaman. Kamu dan semua lelahmu yang jarang kamu sampaikan. Coba dengar sekitarmu yang menyuarakan semangatnya untukmu, atau sekedar dekapan tidak kasat mata yang mencoba membantumu berdiri.

Listen to me, listen to me singing the unsung song about how proud I am of meeting and having you around. Listen to me correcting the mistakes you think you make, but it's just actually life.  You missed out a lot of the small whispers and soft touch, therefore you think you are tired. While actually you are not, you're only in doubt.

But it's okay. You are still standing strong, unbreakable no matter how hard life hits you.
You are standing strong, holding many hearts and hands within your kindness and perseverance.
You are standing strong inspiring people you thought don't appreciate you. You are standing strong to assure those that they are not alone.

To me, you are standing strong just to take me to another level of hardship in life.
This time, we are going hand in hand and side by side, just in any storms, any weathers, anything.

Kapan Kita Cerita Tentang Tengah Bulan Juni

Kira-kira apa yang terlintas di pikiranmu saat aku sebut bulan Juni?
Musim panas? Apa kamu familiar dengan musim panas, terutama jika kamu tinggal di negara yang hanya punya dua musim? Atau mungkin Juni adalah akhir tahun ajaran di dunia pendidikan di negaramu? Mungkin. Beberapa kulihat rekan dan kerabatku mengikuti ritual wisuda di tempat mereka belajar. Menandakan mereka siap menyongsong tahap baru dalam hidup mereka; jenjang pendidikan lebih tinggi, atau ranah kehidupan baru bagi seseorang.

Kurang lebih itulah tengah bulan Juni untukku tahun ini. Aku seperti wisuda rasanya, selesai dari suatu tahapan pendidikan dan pelajaran baru dalam hidupku.

Seperti wisuda pada umumnya, hidupku mengibaratkan aku harus segera bersiap menyambut tahapan baru di depan. Biasanya sebelum wisuda, sudah umum setiap individu bersiap atau dipersiapkan. Aku? Ah, sudah beberapa tahun ke belakang aku hidup dalam ketidaksiapan, dalam hal apapun. Hasilnya? Ya selalu ada pelajaran terlepas berapapun nilainya atau rankingnya, jika ada.

Tengah bulan Juni tahun ini, aku lulus dari sebuah ujian tahapan kehidupan lagi; menjauhkan hatiku dari hal-hal yang akan menyakitinya. Aku belajar melepaskan dan melihat apa yang bertahan.

Sahabatku; anak-anakku; saudara-saudara lelakiku; orang tuaku; kewarasan mentalku.

Paling tidak mungkin selepas wisuda ini, tahapan hidupku yang baru adalah mempertahankan apa yang membuatku tetap waras, dan membiarkan yang harus terlepas, terlepas. Sebuah tahapan baru yang, lagi-lagi, tidak ada buku manualnya. Tidak ada lagi tutor yang bisa kuajak diskusi, apalagi kelas tempatku mengobservasi dan menyimak pelajaran baru. Sebuah tahapan hidup berikutnya yang, lagi-lagi, aku tidak tau bagaimana mempersiapkannya, dan aku tidak tau kemana ia akan berakhir; apakah dengan nilai atau dengan rasa.

Aku bahkan enggan memiliki ekspektasi atau mimpi. Sepertinya kali ini tahapannya hanya akan kujalani dengan setengah hati. Setengahnya lagi biar nalar yang belajar, bahwa tidak selamanya perasaan dan emosi adalah hal valid untuk diperjuangkan. Biar sekali saja dalam sekian tahun belakangan, amygdala dan seluruh bagian otakku yang lainnya bekerja. Tidak hanya memberikan stimilus berlebihan pada hati dan akhirnya mempengaruhi psikologi, tapi biar otak ini berfungsi menerjemahkan hal secara logika.

Makanya, dipake otaknya.

Parenting in the seventh day in sunny June

Let me tell you a sad story about being a single parent. Honestly, most of the times I feel happy especially knowing that my ex-husband was a dick. Parenting is different story. I have to be okay in front of my kids, including when they're talking about their father. You see being divorced might be a bit big thing, yet it might also be a fun thing. It really depends on how you see it and how you managed to survive your life after it. For me I think my divorce was a mix between those two.

Let me tell you first why it's fun for me. it's fun, because I feel free. I'm no longer responsible for someone else's happiness. Someone who does not even care about my happiness. Being single means I'm free. There's no other words than "free" that could describe what I feel and what I am right now. So if you're wondering if I've been trapped in my marriage, yes I was. So when I'm released AKA receiving the paper, I'm so relieved.

And now let me tell you the downside of it. 

Parenting, single parenting. 

I'm so glad I feel free, and that means I'm happy. For all I know, when I'm happy, my kids are happy too. In the beginning it was hard to explain to them where their father is. Along the time, I learned to manage my emotions and be able to tell them about what's going on in a very fun storytelling way. I am super glad that they are very understanding, they are brilliant and they care about my feeling. And here comes the downside: social pressure.

the social pressure of being a single parent is much harder than I thought and I imagined. I thought people would just ignore me and let me live the way I want to live my life, I was wrong. People "care" so much about me or at least they LOOK like they care while I know for a fact, they're only curious and being nosey. 

Not only that, oh, there are also some situations that require me to have a perfect picture of a family, LITERALLY and figuratively, and it hits me so hard when it comes to my kids education and environment. "Where is your father, kid?" kind of question is my ultimate guilt I put them in.

Yeah, can you see it? One day they require me to have a picture of my kid and a family picture. Ridiculous. 

Technically I can do that, I can ask my ex-husband to come over and take a picture of us but I'm not going to do that. Alternatively, I can ask my brother to come and just pose for the picture. But what fears me is the fact that one day my kids are going to look at to the picture and question what happened in this picture.

If you were me, what would you answer?

No, let me rephrase it, how do you answer and explain your divorce reason? Of course I've plenty cool and diplomatic answers to that. I can read Wikipedia, I can consult psychiatrist, I can talk to child psychologist. I can do anything to find the answer to the question, theoretically. THEORETICALLY.

But emotionally? would you suggest me to not improve my emotion when it comes to explaining what actually happened to you family & to your marriage? emotionally, what would you answer to a disappointment from a kid who doesn't have perfect parents? Emotionally, how could you answer a daughter's question about her father?

As a daughter who was raised by a perfect couple parents, I feel my childhood was the best, or at least was an ideal one, based on social construction of course. But for my kids, I have to set another standard of happy parents, and I struggle to find the references for who else is also a divorcee, let alone be a good role model.

Also, I have to explain to them that divorce is not a normal thing, and it's not something that you have to do, and it is not an ideal thing. In fact, you should try so hard to not have it.

Emotionally, how do you tell them about the idea of a divorce? How do you plant the idea of getting a divorce is not an ideal thing, yet if you're having it, it doesn't mean you're not okay? How?

It took me seven days on the sunny June to figure out how I manage my feelings, control my emotions & make my mood stable. In. Front. Of. My. Kids.

How do you look okay without faking it? How do you explain to your kids when they grow up and they finally realise you've been to faking the whole thing the whole time? 

Those questions. No matter how many things I've research, no matter how many advice I've heard. I still can't figure it out.