Parental Advisory

Friday, 27 April 2012

Sitting in a coffee shop. Chatting with dad, rio, riris and babang. Those people are filling up my head this very moment. Let me unpack what I think of my dad, rio and riris.

Rio dan Riris berniat ke Bandung dengan keluarga Riris besok, seharian dan naik mobil. Terdengar aman di telinga gua. Jelas gua tetep wanti-wanti adik bungsu gua supaya hati-hati. Maklum, remaja cowok pasti nggak seberat remaja cewek pertimbangannya, jadi harus gua bikin lebih berat supaya dia bijaksana.

Gua izin ke papa dengan suara se-netral baja dan selembut uang 50,000 dari Bank Indonesia supaya dia izinin Rio pergi besok. Sekelebat terlintas ucapan tak tertulis dalam otak gua "kalo ada apa-apa, papa nggak mau tanggung jawab ya" yang mana kalo gua analisis lagi, adalah non-sense.

Setiap orang tua yang kehabisan argumen bersahaja untuk mengelabui sang anak terhadap paranoid-nya selalu mengesankan dia 'nggak peduli' lagi sama anaknya yang nggak bisa dinasehatin. Sebenernya, nggak gitu. Orang tua berada pada posisi paling simalakama yang nggak nyaman namun nggak terelakkan. Di satu sisi, mereka tau rasanya 'i need a break from shool and its craziness' dan di sisi lain mereka merasa 'i do not want anything bad happen to my love of my life'. Bingung.

Gua sendiri belum pernah jadi orang tua, tapi gua selalu ingin memahami jalan pikiran mereka, cara mereka menunjukkan kasih sayang, dan cara mereka menyampaikan rasa bangga atau kecewa. Been through it; yearning for an undesirable acknowledgment from your most inspiring people.

Gua pikir memahami sudut pandang orang tua adalah sulit, sampe akhirnya........ Hal yang lebih sulit buat gua adalah: memberikan pegertian kepada orang lain tentang sudut pandang tersebut, terutama kepada adik-adik gua. Yes, mereka 'se-zaman' sama gua, akan sangat bias dan naive kalo gua nggak bisa menetralisir persuasi ke-orangtua-an gua dalam memberikan arahan pada mereka. Sungguh sulit.

Yang mau gua tekankan kali ini adalah, the earlier you learn about something, the latter you'd be more regretful of what you did not do than what you did. Think it the way you have it.

vanity

Saturday, 21 April 2012

sini saya kasih tau tentang seseorang yang belum lama ini saya kenal. kami pernah jadi teman, dia pernah nangis di depan saya, saya juga bantu dia banyak hal. ya pokoknya berteman.

"why you never clean this stove after you use it?"
"why should I clean it? I am not a maid"
"so you think I am the maid?"
"...."
"you think?"
"who put these glasses here? who used this plate and put it here?"
"you're going around and around. you used this pot and put it in your cupboard. it is ours, not yours. why would you put public possession in your private place?"
"well, if it is for public, then everyone can use it"
"oh, so you want to USE it but not CLEAN it?"
"...."
"you are selfish, inconsiderate and insensitive!"
"...."

itu ada percakapan terakhir saya dengannya. sejak saat itu, kami nggak berteman lagi. saya nggak suka dicuekin, dan saya nggak suka pertanyaan saya nggak dijawab sedikitpun. sekarang setiap liat dia ataupun barang-barangnya, saya merasa muak dan rasanya pengen menjauh atau menghindar. pasalnya saya yang senantiasa baik dan cinta damai ini bisa jadi makhluk paling jahat yang ada di bumi, lebih jahat dari orang jahat yang sebenarnya kalo saya udah bener-bener emosi.

soon enough to see the sun sets

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

I believe I am living in the most ridiculous country in terms of weather and time-moving. For the first time in my life, I see sun shines more than 15 hours a day, and I only sleep 5 hours every night.


"Nak, kamu angkat dulu jemuran itu, ini mau hujan" my mom ordered me that Sunday afternoon. I barely noticed it was already 7 o'clock in the evening but the sun felt like one in the afternoon. I didn't see any signs of raining, not even cloudy that day, but my mom insisted. Schizophrenia is no longer thing that I hate or resist, I must go on with that. It's just me and my mom in this weird country, doing therapy for her and I believe I am not freak enough to get a month leave just to company her doing her therapy.

"Ma, orang bilang terapi di negara ini paling bagus. Mama sabar ya, seminggu lagi kita pulang." I never expect any response each time I tried to talk to her. This evening, out of the blue she talked "kenapa repot-repot pergi kesini? Kan adikmu bisa bantu jagain mama, kayak anak kecil aja mama ini kamu giniin. Mama udah dewasa, udah ngerti mana yang bener mana yang salah." She paused while sipping her evening tea. I looked deep into her eyes, trying to understand what she really meant.

It's just me and my mom. I don't have any brother, I don't think I would still have any job when we return from here. I just don't care. "Si Ali itu, udah lama naksir kamu. Mama bilang dia suruh lamar kamu, terus dia bilang nggak berani. Masa iya kamu yang ngelamar dia. Ah cowok jaman sekarang, gampang minder, padahal yang ditaksir belum tentu sehebat yang dikira" Again, I kept silent. I love listening to her, no matter how non-sense her talking is.

"Mama kapan ketemu Ali?"
"Sebelum kesini. Dia confess sama mama kalo dia naksir kamu. Mama bilang dia suruh lamar kamu, terus dia bilang nggak berani. Masa iya kamu yang ngelamar dia. Ah cowok jaman sekarang, gampang minder, padahal yang ditaksir belum tentu sehebat yang dikira" I took a deep breath and threw it out. Deep down I laughed listening to her word 'confess'. She's never used to say anything in English.
"Oh ya? Terus Ali bilang apa?"
"Nggak ada, cuma bilang kalo dia naksir kamu, mau ngelamar kamu kalo udah sukses." This time she made sense. I smiled relentlessly.

"Tidur yuk Ma, udah malem"
"Mana ada di sini malem? masih terang begini kamu bilang malem. Nanti dulu, teh mama belum habis, Hujan belum berhenti, Mama mau tunggu petrichor, lalu tidur" We have the same hobby, smelling petrichor. We sat in silence, and sometimes I told her stories she'd never response to. I don't care, I just want to share.
"Si Ali itu naksir kamu. Mama bilang dia suruh lamar kamu, terus dia bilang nggak berani. Masa iya kamu yang ngelamar dia. Ah cowok jaman sekarang, gampang minder, padahal yang ditaksir belum tentu sehebat yang dikira" That last word made me glare at her, and tried to stop her.
"Ma, sepulangnya nanti dari sini, aku nikah ya sama Ali. Minta doa restunya". Right, I was right. She sipped her tea again, smiled and "tuh kan, terasa petrichornya, mama seneng banget udara di sini"

That was not even raining, just me and my mom. And our smile.


Report 3K Words

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Gue enggak paham lagi sama diri gue sendiri.

Jam 13:00
Wanker, tiga ribu kata! Apa yang mau gua tulis nih?!

Jam 13:50
Wanker, berapa buku yang gua baca kemarin yah?!

Jam 14:50
Puyeng gue sama outline report gua deh. Mau jadi apaa report ini?!

Jam 17:00
Wanker, lapeeerrr! Makan apa yaahh?!

Jam 19:00
Wanker, seribu delapan ratus kata! Dari tadi nulis apa gua?!

Jam 20:00
Wey! Gua belum berasa argumen apapun ini udah dua ribu kata?!

Jam 20:30
Overdosis nih gua!!

Sekarang:
Ngeblog ah.

awareness of nothingness

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

I feel a bit depressed by being numb lately. I thought getting hurt routinely would help me feel a bit stronger about many other hurtful things, apparently not. Been occupying myself with tumblr rather than blogger, and I feel a bit awkward looking at the traffic sources of people who opened my blog page. impressive.

stop bullying myself, so I learn that a human is plausible if one can disguise the feelings and emotions. It is hard, really, you should stop watching drama and mocking it unless you could do as good as the actors there. Oh yeah, I play theatre. I act. The difference is: I act truthfully. I tell you what? That is something gifted.



Then now, being aware that you have nothing is basically something more valuable than realising that you have everything and attempting to be prepared if one day you have to lose what you have now. Seriously, (awareness of) possession kills you, immediately.