An MA candidate is a human.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Saya udah tiga hari ini sering salah kirim BBM karena nggak fokus sama apa yang saya lakukan. Kayaknya predikat multitasker yang pernah dikasih Adimas ke saya harus dicopot dari mindset ini supaya nggak ke-pede-an dalam mendeskripsikan diri. Desi Anwar juga bilang kebanyakan dari manusia adalah delusional terhadap dirinya sendiri. Mungkin saya gitu; menganggap diri saya di atas rata-rata dan merasa unik ataupun berbeda.


Unik dan berbeda.
Males rasanya kembali ke definisi dan belajar lagi tentang filosofi. Bukan saya nggak suka berpikir secara mengakar, tapi lebih ke efisiensi waktu dan signifikasi hasil pencernaan otak atas segala detail hidup dan kosa kata penjabarannya.

Biasanya saya suka berpikir keras tentang hal yang orang mungkin nggak peduli atau anggap rumit. Toh akhirnya buah pikiran saya juga pasti nggak ada kontribusi nyata terhadap saya sendiri atau orang lain. Saya terjebak dalam halusinasi, khayalan dan utopia serba sinis tentang banyak hal. That means multidimensional and multi perspective really exist though. But the harder part is answering the expansive 'so what?' that follows the idea.

Itulah kenapa saya males mendefinisikan diri sendiri. Mana saya peduli sama definisi orang terhadap saya, toh tiap mereka juga punya pandangan beda lagi antara satu dan lainnya. Jadi nggak ada yang pasti kan dalam definisi, tinggal seberapa kuat justifikasi dan relevansi sudut pandang kita dalam menilai (bahkan menginterpretasi) sebuah entity; manusia, ideology, tutur bahasa, sikap, bahkan perasaan. Rancu dan relatif. Dah, daripada lanjut nih ke-absurd-an saya dalam membuang waktu menuju jam 9 malam, mending saya sudahi ya laporan bulan Mei ini.



Nggak ada nih yang mau bayarin saya S3 taun 2013 nanti?

to really remember, and realise.

Friday, 18 May 2012

I thought there was someone who predict that technology would be a new God. Am I right?
Dari sekian hari yang gua laluin dalam hidup ini, statistik kasar gua menunjukkan 90% dari hidup gua adalah utilitas dari teknologi. Kening gua agak berkerut mengetik kalimat barusan, bukan karena eksotisme menulis hal yang sifatnya kuantitatif, tapi lebih ke... bener nggak sih sebanyak itu?



Mari kita rekap secara kasar kegiatan sehari-hari kurang lebihnya gimana....

1. Bangun tidur dibantu oleh alarm di Blackberry. Regardless suara apa yang gua pake untuk dijadikan alarm ya ;)
2. Gua mematikan lampu kecil dan menyalakan lampu besar supaya lebih terang solat subuhnya. Regardless my idiotic question to thank Thomas Alfa Edison or James Watt untuk masalah per'lampu'an ini.
3. Nyalain keran air, memastikan suhunya nggak terlalu panas atau dingin buat wudhu. Regardless merk wastafel atau merk keran yang harus gua mention disini.
4. Hap-hap minum segelas air putih hangat setelah solat dari termos listrik.. listrik.
5. Beraktivitas seharian menyentuh dan berinteraksi dengan kendaraan di jalanan, lampu lalu lintas, dan tentunya sambil BBM-an atau cek Twitter dan Facebook kan. Hail you geniuses!
6. Makan siang gua selalu involve kompor dan masak-memasak. Not particularly gua atau koki di restoran fast food yang masak ya, tapi inevitable kan perkakas dan peranti yang ada di dapur untuk memasak?
7. Kangen mama-papa, kita sms atau BBM dong! Again, through the wire, this life.
8. Solat ashar di kampus, kebetulan mushola kampus gua yang lama di Jakarta itu letaknya di pojok, agak gelap jadi setiap mau masuk harus hidupkan lampu dulu. Mushola gua yang sekarang, lebih canggih! nggak cuma lampu yang mewakili teknologi, tapi akses pintu yang pake kode-kode ala di film Hollywood gitu. Regardless sebersit pikiran jahil seperti "ya kariimm, mau solat aja pake kode-kode deh ruangannya" hhihihi.
9. Tugas selesai dirapihkan, saatnya kita memfungsikan perkawinan silang antara komputer, scanner, printer dan teknologi informasi menggunakan kartu pelajar yang tersinkronisasi dengan akun bank agar biaya print tidak kasat mata tersimpan di dalam identitas gua. TEKNOLOGI!!
10. Yah, kembali ke rumah. Bercumbu lagi dengan laptop sekedar posting blog, ngecek foto-foto gebetan dan pastinya kembali menggunakan teknologi dari kamar mandi sampe microwave penghangat makanan sisa tadi siang.



I feel like living in a magic world, only without wings. Surreptitiously occupied and enjoy technology relentlessly, reluctant in realising that we are actually smarter than those gadgets. Bener kalo ada yang bilang kapasitas otak kita sebenernya lebih besar dari yang kita pake sehari-hari dalam hidup kita, regardless betapa "udah pusing"-nya kita sama apa yang kita dulang ke otak kita selama ini. Simple thing to consider, yang menciptakan teknologi super bermanfaat itu kan manusia juga ya, regardless pikiran naif kita untuk menyalahkan mereka di masa lalu yang sudah menemukan segalanya tanpa menyisakan gap untuk kita menciptakan sesuatu yang baru, tapi bener deh, apa 90% itu terlalu besar atau terlalu kecil ya dalam porsi hidup gua? Karena kalo iya, berarti utang jasa dan utang budi gua sama moyang gua lumayan besar juga sama mereka penemu-penemu itu.


Lebih besar lagi utang gua yang nggak akan pernah terbayar sama pencipta dari pencipta maha karya.



QS. Ar Rahman: 13










    

jilbab biru dari calon suamiku

Friday, 11 May 2012

"Syukron Tasya, Tyson udah sempat datang" Anisa memelukku di pelaminan saat aku bersalaman dengannya. Ahmad hanya tersenyum memandang Tyson dan aku mengenakan pakaian batik serasi hari itu.
"Barakallah, Akh, Ukh.. cepet punya momongan biar aku jadi Om, hehehe" Tyson tertawa renyah menyambut wajah Ahmad yang tersipu malu mendengar ucapannya.

Kami beranjak ke beranda rumah mewah Anisa, dari atas terlihat taman terbentang luas beserta puluhan orang dibawah yang sedang menikmati hidangan resepsi dengan sanak keluarga dan teman mereka masing-masing. Aku menatap anak-anak kecil berlarian dekat kolam ikan dan sesekali ikut tertawa mengamati tingkah laku mereka. Tyson berdiri membelakangi dinding balkon dan meletakkan kedua sikunya di atas dinding rendah tersebut. Jarak kami sekitar setengah meter dan posisi tubuhnya direndahkan sehingga telinga kanannya sejajar dengan telinga kiriku, berdiri bersampingan dengan pandangan mata berlainan.

"Kamu masih cemburu sama mantan pacarku, Tas?" Tyson bertanya tanpa basa-basi. Senyumku hilang namun tetap memandang anak-anak di taman bawah.
"Apa salah aku cemburu?"
"Cemburu itu bagian dari ekspresi rasa sayang. Justru aku curiga kalo kamu nggak cemburu, Yang harus kita jaga saat merasakan emosi cemburu itu adalah objek kecemburuannya."
"Maksudmu?"
"Cemburulah pada hal yang sifatnya motivator dan sehat, misalnya aku cemburu kalo kamu ternyata lebih khusyuk jadi makmum ayahmu daripada jadi makmumku. Itu cemburu yang termasuk sehat, karena memotivasi supaya aku bisa bikin ibadah kita lebih baik lagi nantinya, terutama saat nanti kamu jadi istriku, insya Allah"
"Terus yang nggak sehat itu gimana?" Aku menoleh sedikit ke kananku, mengharapkan jawaban yang sesuai dengan harapanku. Tyson tidak balik menatapku, ia hanya melihat dari sudut mata kanannya, tanpa mengubah posisi maupun nada bicara.
"Cemburu yang nggak sehat itu, kalo kita sudah membandingkan diri kita sendiri dengan objek yang kita cemburui. Misalnya ya, ini misalnya lho, Tas..." Tyson seperti ragu memberikan contoh yang satu itu, aku hanya mengangguk agak geram menunggu penjelasannya, "gimana?"
"Misalnya kamu mulai membandingkan masakanmu dengan Mamamu, terus kamu menyalahkan dirimu sendiri karena ternyata kamu kidal, lalu kamu memaksakan untuk nggak kidal lagi karena kamu yakin kidal itu penyebab masakanmu nggak enak. Itu nggak sehat, itu namanya cemburu buta."
Tyson berhenti sejenak. Kami terjebak dalam pikiran dan interpretasi masing-masing. Aku seperti merasakan Tyson juga menganalisa kembali ucapannya barusan, kalau-kalau ia salah kasih contoh.
"Ngerti kan maksudku nggak sehat itu gimana? Bukan nggak wajar, dan bukan berarti kamu harus merasa lebih baik atau lebih buruk dari seseorang yang kamu cemburuin. Hanya kalo bisa kamu lebih peka lagi terhadap sinkronisasi hati dan pikiran."
"Aku cuma nggak suka kamu deket lagi dengan perempuan lain, ada rasa....." kali ini aku yang ragu dalam meneruskan pernyataan itu. Tyson gantian menatapku dari tolehannya di kananku. Aku hanya menunduk, "ada rasa takut kehilangan." tenggorokanku tercekat seusai kata terakhir itu. Tyson langsung membalas tanpa pikir panjang.
"Itu sehat kok, asal jangan ada rasa rendah diri dan merasa kalah dengan perempuan lain ya?" Ia tersenyum melempar pandangan lagi ke depan, meninggalkanku mengangkat agak tinggi daguku dengan wajah bingung. "Rasa takut kehilangan itu sehat, tapi kamu harus tau, ada orang yang mencintai kamu dan kekuranganmu. So, jangan pernah merasa kamu nggak pantas dicintai karena ada kekuranganmu." Tyson meneruskan, aku kembali menunduk malu.
"Kamu pernah nggak cemburu sama aku?" mendengar pertanyaanku, Tyson membalik tubuhnya menyamai pandangan denganku, melihat anak-anak yang masih asik berlarian di sekitar kolam ikan. Sekarang tubuhnya sejajar denganku, jarak masih setengah meter dan telinganya kini sejajar dengan dahiku. Aku melirik sedikit, melihatnya menghela nafas seperti memikirkan jawaban yang pas untuk tanyaku.


"Bedanya aku sama kamu cuma di ekspresi. Kalo aku cemburu, aku diam." aku hampir memotong ucapannya namun ia terlanjur memberikan kode 'diam' dengan telunjuknya di bibir "kalo aku nggak bilang, bukan berarti aku nggak merasa cemburu. Kalo kamu nggak lihat sesuatu, bukan berarti sesuatu itu nggak ada. Aku cemburu kok sama kamu, sama tugas-tugasmu di kantor, sama anak-anak itu yang dari tadi kamu perhatikan sepenuh perasaan" Tyson tersenyum penuh arti. Aku ikut tersenyum.


"Kamu mau bilang kalo sesuatu yang nggak diekspresikan itu bisa membuat salah paham? Aku udah tau, dan aku mencoba menghindari salah paham dengan menunjukkannya, bukan mengatakannya." Aku paham maksud Tyson, dia dan segala filosofi sosialnya. Dia dan segala penjelasan dan pengertiannya terhadapku. Aku menunduk malu lagi, Tyson nggak marah kalo aku cemburu buta, justru dia menjelaskan gimana seharusnya pikiran menyeimbangkan perasaan. 

"orang yang berilmu itu derajat lebih tinggi di mata Allah, jangan takut imanmu hampa, karena otakmu membantu mengaplikasikan apa yang kamu percaya terhadap perwujudan tindakan yang nyata" Tyson menyerahkan sebungkus kotak ukuran A4 kepadaku. Dari luar terlihat itu jilbab warna biru yang aku taksir dari bulan lalu di online shop Turki, dan dia menghadiahkan kepadaku. Tyson bilang "bingkisan penghargaan untuk kamu yang berani jujur tentang perasaan dan kekhawatiranmu. Sekaligus terima kasihku untuk kepercayaan yang kamu berikan selama bersamaku"

Payphone - Maroon 5

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Here I am standing in the crowd of Heathrow Airport. Waiting for the next flight home. Why? I have been asking the same why. I arrived here a week ago, and now I am leaving. We broke up three years ago, nothing left but this ticket to London for a week with you. I was spending a week in London without you when I realised that all fairytales are bullshit. If happy ending ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this.

"Excuse me, do you have any small change? I need to make a call, an important one", that person shook his head, he was too busy with his iPad to listen to what I said.

Here I am standing in the crowd of the busiest airport in England, not because I am still having a feeling that struck me three years ago when we broke up, but because we promised to spend a week in London. I just don't know if that promise corresponded our togetherness. And now I'm running out of my change to call you, I cannot call home anymore. Why? I have been asking the same why to myself, to this blue suitcase with our sketch on it. But now one more love song then I'll be totally fucked up.

"Mom, this is me calling from Heathrow, I won't be directly home from here tomorrow, please don't pick me up and reply my email instead" I hopelessly left another message in my mom's voice mail, she's been out of reach because of the timezone.

Here I am standing in the crowd of the capital city's airport. Waiting for the next flight, not home. I'm just running out of time, running out of change, running out of energy to digest happiness and running out of the sight to describe what I want. Where were the plans we made for two?



what people might see, not understand.

Monday, 7 May 2012

My boyfriend has just recovered from an accident during his field research around Hokkaido nuclear power plant, Japan. I drove him home and saw his family were prepared to welcome him back. It was not that I am not proud of him and his current study about earth and space, it's just the glacier and meltwater point that worry me a lot. I stand unbreakable upon the distance between us since two years ago. Not that I am faithful or he's just unconcerned about keeping up to our relationship, it's just what I feel about him that bothers me.

So, Takeo is a scientist. He focused on earth and climate studies in our country's best Science and Technology University. We met in the library three years ago, during my part time job as a librarian and his Masters accomplishment. After a year chasing up to each other ignorance, we finally hooked up under the beautiful Manhattan sky in early August. He was not that romantic, he was doing things once or twice to make the occasion special; and that is romantic to me. I, in contrast, am very delightful and full of surprise. I could come up crawling under his lab desk and served him hot spaghetti and cappuccino during his tiring night and experiment.

He started his field trips last year, from Morocco to Spain to Greenland and now to Japan. I don't want to discuss what my friends and family think about him; he is special to me and so I am to him. Until last month's accident in Hokkaido, it was really shocking. He fell off the hotel balcony in the thirteenth floor, down to the pavement which was luckily crossed by a set of laundry hangers. He survived.

Lots of sympathy and condolences came over my voice mail, social network and phones to greet me and asked if Takeo was okay. I told them the event was nothing related to his research, it was totally an accident in the hotel where he stayed. I mean, at least, that's what I've been told by Takeo's field assistant.

I caught the earliest flight to Japan and found out that he actually fell from the lab's balcony. I was in the highest temper, finding his assistant and seek for further explanation. He heedlessly answered my angry question and ended up elaborating how Takeo did not want to make me worry. I was shocked, no longer attempting to consider my left brain, I ran to Takeo in the hospital. I feed him the fish porridge, his favourite. Asking rapidly until finally he realised that I found out about his real accident. He tried to convince me that it was totally his mistake and there was no point of questioning and protesting the location of his field laboratory, everything was built in temporary aim and no long-term objectives.

I asked if his vision to our relationship is a long-term one or not. He nodded. I saw his head covered in a white cotton, he is still smart, I believe. And again, another rare sentence came out of his mouth "uchi no kokoro ga ittaindakedo, anta no eigao ga kursurinanda"
"Agepoyo!" I almost burst into laugh in that silent hospital. I was blushed for a minute before I urge him to say it again slower. He refused. I smiled, he did too. Told you, he always does things once or twice to make me special. Just another way of loving in reverse to mine.

Flown back from Hokkaido, we emerged ourselves to a rented apartment near his office. I just wanted to make sure he got the fastest and shortest and safest way during his recovery months. As always, I would raise my sacrifice by having much longer distance from out apartment to my office so he could really consider another field research offer, especially those that get him away from home. He is always negotiable and compromised, he sees what I am trying to make him see, although sometimes it might take harder to make him understand why. But that's what people do; fight for the beliefs. I do so.

His family stayed for a week to help me take care of him and he was really uncomfortable surrounded by people who might sacrificed themselves just for him, including me. He just could not resist the importance and necessity of assistant due to Doctor's advise though. I won over his individuality, again.It's not that he doesn't like to be loved and taken care of, he just doesn't want to make a fuse in everyone's life. To him, just me is enough, no matter how struggled I am telling him that other people may care too. He just does not care. That is sweet at some point, at another, it's just childish and selfish. Whatever.

new arrivals

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

I have just received my books! Ordered since two weeks ago and have just arrived today in my mailbox. The excitement has gone a week ago, now it's just a misty feeling and curiosity of what they might bring me. I suppose this post today will not be as gloomy as how Mayday has always be covered.

So this May, enormous excitement and nerves are pacing quite high. I suggest they may blow my mind as much as the Spring wind presents itself recently in Leeds. I still love being in Leeds, I still have that spirit of studying abroad that I had nine months ago. I still enjoy living in this bloody country where weather and food are intolerable to my Asian decency. I set aside all grumpiness and jump right of the track that might bring me better, higher and faster; citius, altius, fortius.

So dissertation might take my mind the most this upcoming month. I will lure myself with the tempting Euro trip next month, just in case I'd lost the urgency of doing my tasks. Next thing, well family. Just like any other normal overseas students, I MISSED MY FAMILY! I am never a hypocrite saying I don't miss my siblings and our fights, our talks and our craziness. Oh I do! A LOT!





 I missed my best friends, too. They who never send me anything from home. I do care about them, I missed being their optional friend. I missed their call whenever they need me before leaving me aside afterwards. I missed their insensitivity and carelessness.

Another thing in May; accomplishing all goals I have set. Of course, keep writing here just to say 'hi' to stalkers and readers :)