Lagi, sekali lagi.

Biar kutulis lagi, hal-hal yang mengingatkanmu kenapa aku jatuh hati & menautkan segenap perasaan buatmu.

Di antaranya adalah senyummu, saat memandangku melakukan urusanku. Setiap kutanya kenapa, cuma "emang nggak boleh aku senyum?" Jawabmu. Kamus nonverbal terbatasku mendefinisikannya sebagai "aku kagum padamu", "kamu terlihat cantik kalau begitu", dan "bisakah kita berhenti di masa ini beberapa saat agak lama?"

Di antara lainnya adalah sentuhan tanganmu saat sedihku melanda tanpa suara. Tanpa aba-aba seperti mendekap semua masalah dan membasuh bekas luka kering maupun baru. Dan kamus nonverbal terbatasku tentu mendefinisikannya semudah "tenang ya, ada aku, everything will be okay" yang memang selalu jadi jargon hidupmu.

Di antara lainnya adalah ungkapan cinta yang tak terduga, atau di selipan kesibukan keseharian. Kamus nonverbal ku tidak berguna, karena kamu berkata apa adanya dan apa arti harfiahnya. Perihal seperti I love you, atau bentuk verbal lainnya.

Kalau kamu tau, andai bisa kutuangkan rekaman memori perasaanku tentang kamu ke dalam bentuk nyata, pastikan kubuat semua seperti mantra. Atau doa. 

Dan malam ini, dalam lelapmu, aku bertanya:

Betulkah semua yang kuduga tentang kita, masa depan berdua dan selamanya setia?

You and Your Curiosity

There is one night I really wonder about you and your curiosity.

About bridge. About building. About glass and mirror. About how sky is blue. About how religions divide people.

There is one night your curiosity hurts you. You're bleeding so badly from the questions you ask, and I couldn't help you. You said you were okay anyway, so I left.

ABOUT THE DAY

There is one day you feel extremely clueless about everything, you ask me so many things I don't even have the answer to. I said "I don't know either" but you answered "that doesn't change my feelings for you"

ABOUT YOUR FEELING

You always come across feelings with me and about everything. You always feel everything, I think at some point that's what makes you distinctive and so sensitive. You are made of a cotton that's sown into a million threads; soft but so strong.

Have you ever asked yourself those things you asked me? Or are you just throwing thoughts, topic and curiosity to make me stay?

Because I will stay.

76 is just a number.

I am getting more and more sceptical about so many things, including my country. Despite the fact that I love my country so much, I feel like the home-works are getting more and more redundant and hopeless. I don't wanna talk about the government, it'd include too much narrative on politics and cruelty.

Let's talk about the people. 80 percent of the population owns cellphone and connected to 24hrs internet access. We are supposed to be the agent of change, agent of peace, agent of whatever it is that make us more human by utilising the technology that surrounds us. Again, it's the matter of the morality. How much schools aren't teaching us to be human, schools teaching us to be 'the fittest' or let's just say, 'the fettish'.

We compete, consciously and subconsciously with ourselves, our friends and relatives, our community, even our common goals. We contradict our goals every day, we create a new wall between each other and call it 'boundary', some call it 'privacy', some call it 'principle'. Whatever you call it. It's the same wall we build every day, how silly.

If one can study deeper and more about how society in this country have changed a lot in the past decades, they'd reflect how MUCH THEY PLAY THE ROLE to make us who we are today;

plastic waste,

gender equality,

better education,

transparent governance,

religious practices,

human rights,

employability of the youth.

Oh, one more thing; the pandemic. I hate to put that term here, that'd include my blog in the algorithm of internet content with the hot words. That would I'm participating in global madness about how this virus progressively force us to face the new world and new system. The world and the system we are never ready for, the system we will never be ready for. It has split us into individuals with our own walls: boundary, privacy and principle. It has split us and show the other side of us.

Sadly, my country has participated in an mountable part of that virus effect. 

Just look at how media conglomerates take over my Google search engine and become the first one to appear, as if the are the true ones. As if they are the most balanced, as if they are the most representative of the people. As if they are the real watchdog for better society and better nation. It's sad.

It's sad that the most useful tool of fighting the pandemic is mass media. It's sad that the distinction between THE PEOPLE and THE MEDIA are now blurred by THE ONE WHO HAS MONEY.

It's sad to say that 76 is just a number.

Get well soon, Indonesia.

Salam dariku yang suka meneliti rasa...

 dan mendalami setiap kata.

Ada beberapa jam di hidupku yang habis kugunakan memikirkan hal yang tidak pernah ada, tapi kupikir akan ada karena mungkin rasanya bisa, dan ternyata tetap tidak ada. Yang menyadarkanku adalah kenyataan bahwa setiap ungkapan di tengah malam hanya bisa didengar oleh Sang Pencipta. 

Termasuk namamu.

Yang aku langitkan di sekian banyak malam, dalam bentuk keluhan maupun luapan rasa rindu. Kamu. hal yang belum aku jumpai tapi kuyakini akan segera hadir di hadapanku, menggugurkan setiap mimpi yang ternyata terbukti, dan mengungkapkan harapan yang bisa tewujud, serta menunaikan janji yang selama ini mengimingi.

Iya, kamu.

Yang aku bayangkan mendekapku saat kamu butuh, yang aku bayangkan memelukku saat aku butuh. Yang tanpa sepatah kata harus keluar dari mulutku untuk paham apa itu rindu, dan yang tanpa banyak gerakan untuk tau bagaimana menghalau keresahan.

Kamu. Dan tatapanmu yang sering kupertanyakan, dan senyumanmu yang sering jadi misteri. Ada satu Minggu dimana aku berhenti berkhayal dan menebak isi pikiranmu. Ada satu Senin dimana aku berharap semua ini mimpi dan aku melanjutkan hidup lagi. Ada satu Selasa dimana hadirmu di depanku seperti sebuah harapan baru. Ada satu Rabu dimana kita saling bicara tanpa tertawa. Ada satu Kamis dimana amarahmu dan amarahku bertemu tanpa menyakiti. Ada satu Jumat dimana doaku dan doamu mungkin bertemu saling menyapa. Ada satu Sabtu dimana kamu mengakhiri lelahmu dengan hidupmu dan memulai lelah baru dengan aku.

Kamu. Dan rasa penat yang sering kau ingkari, atau sekedar kau bungkus dengan ikhlas lillahi. Kamu dan setiap akhir harimu yang terpejam tak sengaja. Kamu dan tengah malam demi malam yang sunyi kecuali suara alam. Kamu dan tangisanmu yang tidak terdengar makhluk kasat mata. Kamu dan ketakutanmu akan kejutan hidup berikutnya. Dan kamu, dengan selirik doa panjang, yang cuma Tuhan bisa mendengar atau memahami.

Kamu. Dan semua luka di hati atau pikiranmu, yang membuatmu begitu rapuh tapi terbungkus angkuh. Kamu dan keraguanmu akan hal yang mungkin bisa menyerangmu. Kamu dan semua keputusan setengahmu karena didasari cemburu atau trauma masa lalu. Kamu dan ucapanmu dimana sembilan belas orang paham tapi tetap tak membalasmu.

Salam dariku, yang suka meneliti rasa dan mendalami setiap kata.

Those Three Times

 I love you the most when:

1. You asked "Apa? Kamu lagi mikir apa?" when I stared blankly to the road on the way in the car. As if, you knew I don't go silent unless I have something in mind. I love when you pay attention to small details and you actually care. Because every time I speak up my mind, you always respond whole-heartedly and it gives me a comfort zone. Perhaps a new one.

2. You abruptly asked "Nonton yuk!" when I'm stuck with work or when I almost fall asleep because of boredom. Like, you know I never sleep unless I'm very tired or I'm bored. We always end up scrolling minutes before deciding what to watch, but the excitement of me watching with you is above any level. Side by side, you just like to not only hold my hand, but also rub it against yours. When it's online, I saw you frequently checking up on my expression and replying to my stupid commentary, as always.

3. You take the kids to pray without me asking. It hurts me to my chest thinking how bad I am as a mother and how beautiful it is to have you around as our imam. You effortlessly tell them what to do, and they just enjoy being ordered by you. It's like you're the missing command they always long for, your presence is so precious that even when you're being strict, they just love it.

Really, it hurts so much to imagine if I have to lose you. No matter how cool you teach me to be, no matter how calm you probably hope me to be, I don't think I can never handle losing you. At nights, you're the topic I always talk about with God. I hope you stay healthy and happy as you are.

Getting Engaged (Again)

This isn't feel like something old at all. Probably it's different because Hafiz is the guy that I've ben so curious about. He has done way too much sacrifice and practiced the ultimate patience upon my insanity, my trauma, my unreasonable fear and my endless drama.

What makes it even more impressive is how he does it effortlessly; the things that used to be scary are now felt so easy. There are things that I thought was crazy, but Hafiz made it more sensible to me. He's the guy with almost zero ambition but to make me happy. His silence means he's talking his deepest thought, and even I wonder how I understand things that he doesn't say. It's weird, or probably known as chemistry.

August 1st, we are engaged.

This time is the moment I am mostly assured that I deserve to be loved, and to love someone again is not impossible. It just takes the right person, and Hafiz is the one.

Bismillah ya. It's a long winding road we're about to go through. So, Bismillah ya.

That's the ultimate strength we've been holding on since day 1 til forever hopefully.

Conversation in the Dark

 This is the saddest night of my life. I really can't remember the last time I feel this down and broken. That news just stroke me right to my lungs, and I lost my mind immediately.

"Hey isn't this your boyfriend?" along with the picture of him and a girl showing off their engagement rings. I stared at the picture a few seconds before another text popped in "what's going on? I don't understand, I thought you two were fine and getting married!" I didn't reply. I just locked my phone and put it down again. I drowned my face under my pillow and pulled my blanket up to my neck.

No, I didn't cry. My head went back to the conversation a couple of months ago, between me and that girl.

***

"Hey, sorry, are you waiting for him here?"

That's the first words that came out of my mouth when I saw her sitting in her car's driver's seat, looking down to her phone, probably texting my boyfriend. She was in an ugly shock when she saw me, immediately forcing a smile and stepped out of the car without answering me first.

"Hey, you remember me? We talked over the video call one day! How are you?" she asked me back in a very cheerful tone, she always is. I've been stalking her, and she's nothing but a sweet friendly girl.

"I really feel guilty. I know I shouldn't do this, if you don't like it, I really will stay away from your boyfriend. I think I've fallen for him and it's wrong, I know" she changed her tone into a concerned friend. For one second I thought she was going to hug me, but I held back. I finally put some wordings to respond her, "yeah, I sort of don't like that you're too close to him. I'm afraid of losing him, so could you please leave us alone?"

"Yes! Yes! Oh my god yes! I feel so bad already, I will definitely stop talking to him! I am so sorry!" she replied quickly as if what I said matched what she was thinking. I really tried so hard not to cry in front of her. She is so majestic, she's sweet, nice, smart and all great things a guy could ask for to make her their partner. I wonder what went wrong in her life, because I think she had some problems too looking at her blog and her social media posts. I didn't bother to ask, I just wanted to leave immediately.

Then I woke up.

***

I try to get up from my bed. I see two more notifications came in; one from work, one from my best friend. I don't bother to read them immediately. I really don't know what to feel right now, what I know is I'm so torn, and I have completely lost him.

***

"I can't continue this relationship. What I feel about you is not the same, and I don't want to keep you in this hurtful situation for any longer" I can't believe what I just heard. He is always a thinker, he always thinks so hard about himself before he says anything.

"Are you seeing someone else?" I can only ask him that. And of course, he never answers.                                  

***

Five months later now. As usual, he doesn't say anything. The picture says it all.