Belakangan aku sering mengabaikan banyak hal. Dan aku sangat bangga bisa abai.
Sampai hari ini aku merasa abai malah mengantarkanku pada rasa kesal yang menumpuk di pojok persembunyiannya. Iya. Rasa kesal itu tidak pergi, tapi ngumpet di balik beberapa emosi lainnya yang memang dominan akhir-akhir ini.
Kepengen doa yang jahat-jahat, tapi takut berbalik padaku. Jadi aku doa yang baik-baik untuk diriku sendiri dan orang lain, biar kebaikannya juga kembali padaku.
Boleh kan, pamrih sama Tuhan?
.... of Hafiz.
I have to admit, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Berangkat dengan rasa takut didampingi tekad yang bulat untuk mengarungi 'rumah tangga' lagi, sebulan jadi istrinya Hafiz adalah suatu hal yang rewarding. Saking rewardingnya, selain feeling undeserving, I also feel guilty and sorry for all the girls Hafiz had ditched for me.
There aren't so many things I can describe here, but just a few monumental moments I'd like to cherish forever. At least as a good sign of a good life and fortune in the near future.
1. He holds my hands in the most unexpected moments. He doesn't do it as much as he did in the past before we were married, yet now it becomes something meaningful because it's rare. I learn that relationship is NOT ALWAYS about keeping the old-sweet-cheesy habits, but also about consistently exploring what your partner is becoming. It upsets me, of course, at some point where I'm still trapped in the course of clinginess when we're together. But I can't complain, really can't complain because Hafiz is more than enough.
2. What always amuses me is how passionate he is when he's talking. This doesn't change, dan kayaknya memang nggak akan berubah sampai kapanpun. Mungkin dia nggak sadar, but there is something charming saat dia bicara dan menjelaskan banyak hal yang aku belum tau (atau sudah tapi bukan darinya). I wonder what he thinks about me, I always do. Lagi-lagi kan, aku belajar menerima bahwa some things are left unspoken to be: (A) a mystery, (B) a prevention of getting hurt, (C) the reason why things are still the same, (D) the sign of a non-existence. Aku belajar membiarkan. I know! Membiarkan is not me banget. I don't let things go, especially things that concerns me. But I do. I let go more often than before when it comes to what he thinks of me. Does it annoy me? Yes. But okay, I can live with that.
3. Hal yang biasa aja adalah hal yang luar biasa saat bersama Hafiz. Dia banyak secara nggak langsung mengajakku untuk memaknai kata 'biasa aja'. It becomes a spectacular term for an extraordinary me. I think this is mutual, yet I'm learning more from him than he is from me. Not many lessons can be taken from me. Or at least that's how I feel when it comes to questioning 'what do you like about me or being with me'. He always answers with 'biasa aja' for so many occasions and emotions. It amazes me how he can be so 'biasa aja' for many GRAND occurrences. It teaches me that to appreciate something is not always by acknowledging it. Sometimes it's just to take it and live it as it is. Biasa aja kan?
4. This is to many more 25th's in my life with him. This is to those many nights where I feel so alone and fragile, missing the ordinary things that has been gone since he came. This is to rewarding myself for something I barely hear from him but always feel. This is to the upcoming storms, shits and craziness I am about to go through with, for, and to you. This is to many more 'biasa aja' experiences in the future with you.
I hope you see how extraordinary is life with you no matter how deep you plant your ordinary value in my life.