I (or probably you) have lost the soul.

Friday, 17 January 2014

I remember back to a year ago, this day today was amazing, talked to a very enthusiastic boyfriend and enjoying a superb challenging and entertaining long distance relationship. My boyfriend greeted me very cheerfully every morning and he tried his best to always comfort me, adored me and made me feel so special. No matter how far we were, I felt his presence around me, and I was the happiest girlfriend.

so many things have changed.

We are no longer in a long distance relationship, we are now like normal couple.
We go out every weekend, talk about random things as if we always share random ideas and thoughts. We fight and make up very quick and very wise.
My boyfriend is no longer sweet and romantic, he said the phase has over and we can't stay there forever. We need to move on and just do things as they are.

I no longer have his public attention afraid of being called over possessing (or him feeling over possessed), and every single care he takes over me is just a formality and habitual; because we're getting use to it. We're getting use to be together and now we're just doing things as they are now, very normal and predictable. No soul, no enthusiasm, no lovely spirit, not even a cheerfulness, just flat.

Sometimes I missed the old him, the old us when we thought that everything will be as cute as we thought would always were. Sometimes I missed him saying good things to me, or at least something that makes me feel special. Sometimes I want him to hold and hug me longer like he used to because it's very comfortable to be in his arms.

But then I remember, he said it's over. And if I keep on pushing him doing things that he don't like, I'm honestly afraid of making him feel uncomfortable, which I'd die to avoid making him feel that way. I always want to make him feel ok, fun and comfortable, no matter how I, most of the times, failed.

You (and even him, I think) probably think why do I still with him up until today. Do you know what keeps me going? The thought of how satisfied I am every time I feel like I love him full heartedly; sincerely. I never expect anything in return and sometimes it makes him feel sort of guilty or owed, I said he doesn't have to feel so, he still feels owed I think. Yes, it's "owed", not really "happy". I don't know actually, I rarely want to guess what he feels, he's emotionless when it comes to feelings in our relationship. We talked about this, I explained that this is me and this is my way of expressing my affection. I don't know if he does understand or not, but he doesn't seem happy. Not as happy as when he's around and having fun with his friends. This makes me sad sometimes. Not jealous, I'm not jealous, I'm in fact happy if he can be cheered by his friends. But what makes me sad is that I wish I could make him feel as happy as when he's happy like really happy. You know what I mean? Really happy, not owed.

I once thought I was uninteresting and boring, which I know I am. But the positive side of me told me that he loves me, and he shows that he does. And whatever that he's doing, it's the way he expresses love and affection and comfortability with someone that he cares about. He may not as sweet and as romantic as any other guy, not even as much as how he used to be, but I can feel that he's truly, straightly committed to a relationship; our relationship.

Although sometimes it's hard to tell if he loves me or not, if he's happy or not when he's with me, but I'd just think positively that at least he has always tried to understand me and fulfil what I want, like doing things that will make me happy, or go somewhere with me to make me cheerful. Those things are touchy. Those little things outweighed the horrible things he could have never done to me, I always forgive him automatically. And thankfully, it's enough for me to just know that he cares if I have eaten or not, or a sudden buzz on the chat asking what I'm up to, and simply responding to stupid jokes I tell him. I'm just so very happy by the simple things he does.

I always feel grateful for having him in my life, especially when it crosses my mind if I'd have to go through one day without him; so empty and weird. No more text messages and silly emoticons on chat. Then the thought of he might not be as sad as I am if we're apart makes me a bit relieved, that love is not always about quality nor quantity, it's about the consistency and acceptance. He teaches me those two things in our relationship. I'm so happy. I'm just so happy because he lets me love him and express my love the way I want it to be. I'm so happy that he sticks around no matter how hard I am to handle. I'm so happy that he shows me another way to love someone. His way.

he has the warmest hug, I crave it.

a thousand hits within a minute

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

guess what? probably a drummer, hits his pedal very fast or very professional.
Probably something else, I can't think of anything else, so dumb.

it's the heartbeat. a thousand hits within a minute when I feel you around.
It's pounding and I think it could actually break out because of it hits so hard and fast.

They say I am actually stronger than I look, until I tell them that I got a thousand hits within a minute.
Because of you.

Do I feel silly? I said no, I was so happy that my heart got hit a thousand times a minute.
I barely feel silly. I am happy.

Tell Me What Day It Is

Saturday, 11 January 2014

This is probably the most productive Saturday I've ever had this year. I ran and sweated this morning then check into the office to finish my work. GOD IT IS SATURDAY.

I went through email and checked out cute videos while no one's in the office. So fun that after office I'd browse (probably buy) some laptops for work (and entertainment, ahem) purpose. Hopefully I found a cute one.

And theeeennn.....

have a good day y'all!
saturday workie means no make up, no heels and no dresscode!

My Top Ten Romantic Male Singers (Musicians)

Monday, 6 January 2014

Yaa, postingan perdana di 2014 boleh lah ya agak artikelis abege mainstream begini. My most favourite romantic musicians:

10. Enrique Iglesias

You can run, you can hide but you can't escape my love. Oenjoe!

9. Jared Leto

Oke, di foto ini emang gak keren dia, TAPI LO MUSTI GOOGLE SENDIRI atau Youtube video dia, ganteng dan romantis in an emo way!!!

8. Justin Timberlake

Mainstream abis, tapi gimana dong emang gak terelakkan ketampanan dan romantisme lagunya.

7. Judika Sihotang.

Kalo gue sampe nikah, usaha keras untuk mendatangkan Clay Aiken dan Guy Sebastian sebagai wedding singer dapat dipermudah dengan menghadirkan Judika sebagai pengganti mereka. Romantis poll!

6. Glenn Fredly

Agak rebutan sih otak gue antara dia dan Tompi, tapi karena Tompi adalah dokter, jadi yaudah Glenn aja deh.

5. Ronan Keating

Lawas orangnya, tapi gak lawas sisi romantisnya. Aduh Ronan, you say it best when you say nothing at all.

4. Craig David

Eh ya iyalah penyanyi favorit gue dari jaman eSDe. Gak ada lagunya di semua album yang gue gak suka.

3. Michael Buble

SIAPA YANG NGGAK SETUJU SAMA GUE?!!! Oh dear Michael Buble, diem aja mempesona, apalagi nyanyi...

2. John Legend

"Let's go to the park.. I wanna kiss you underneath the stars...."  cewek mana yang gak demen manja-manjaan di depan umum? Nah ini jagonya ni John Legend.

1. John Mayer

Yah tipikal satria bergitar yang meluluhkan hati lewat gombalan lagunya. alamak! Ga ada lagunya yang gak asyik!