Catatan Akhir Tahun

WOOOHOOO!!! IT'S DECEMBER 28TH!!
This is the time if my blog. Yes, I WILL NEVER forget writing catatan akhir tahun section every year. Like I might be lousy in keeping it straight to write every month, but every year? NO REASON TO NOT WRITE! Especially 2016 is a turning year for me and my life. Here we go!

January 2016
We flew from Hong Kong and leaving ourselves amazed by how we have changed our status from being married to being very married to our late honeymoon which then turned out to be a babymoon. I went back to work and my husband worked for my dad for a while. At the end of January we went for another trip to Singapore, initially to company him watching the concert that was cancelled lol, so it was just another escape.

February 2016
In where I was sitting, Centre for ASEAN PR Studies, was surely the best I have ever sat on since my arrival in LSPR Jakarta. I work with amazing people and a very enjoyable pace. We did great things together. Getting pregnant was not a big deal with this kind of job I had this time, I really enjoyed my pregnancy, with supportive people and environment.

March 2017
I started to implement the programme CAPRS have planned, and it was so exciting because I got to see many exciting people and experience networking in another level. Oh God this was really the best time of my career so far. I have also planned a few more things about my baby and the delivery, as well as the hospital booking, consulting etc. I could not wait!! And this was the month my husband started his certification programme, he wanted to be a personal trainer. Nothing I could do but to support him.

April 2017
The pregnancy was getting and getting closer to the date and I was very very nervous yet excited. We went to Cipanas with Eqi's friends to get a refreshment, and we did. It was a quick yet fun escape, continued by a visit from my mom in law for a quick meeting. CAPRS continued the fun programme and it wasn't that hard or burdening while I was pregnant.

May 2017
THIS IS THE MONTH! The life changing month and moment of my life, Skylar was born. All the drama about labour, giving names, going home after labour, it was all so exhilarating. Now I have a baby, an angel to keep me strong and happy. Skylar. My life revolves around her and her only. Here also started the three months maternity leave and I enjoyed it so much spending time with my baby.

June 2017
Being a mom means being a button; I have to hold everything together. It wasn't that easy, but the hardship was worth the effort. I felt so satisfied for managing to breastfeed my baby and take care of her the best I could even though I'm not perfect. Motherhood is really a huge thing, I pumped, I stayed awake, I poured my love and attention to Skylar and Skylar only. This is amazing to see her first month excelling so good and healthy. People are also kind and caring, they visited me, the gave me and Skylar gifts and many other attention I didn't deserve but I got. I was so happy.

July 2017
Of course I broke down many times, I don't know if it's the baby blues or hormones, or anything other than that I really don't know. What I know is sometimes I feel so bad, lousy, powerless, useless and having no clue. Those times were the moments Skylar showed me that I am stronger than I though, and I have to be strong for her. It's amazing to actually feel that someone NEEDS YOU THAT BAD, that Skylar relies on my strength to feed  and nurse her. It is really everything in the world that makes me a human, motherhood. I managed to make Skylar a passport because we have plan a trip to SG later for her dad to find a job there. We also took Skylar to see her granddad for the first time in Cimanggis.

August 2017
Skylar's third month was immaculate. She's healthy, pretty and all I could think of is to spoil and play with her until I realise 22 August is my return to the office and go back to being a working mom. I pumped in the office and every single time I pump, I feel like I'm missing my puzzle peace. Yes, to milk a machine is so bad compared to milking Skylar directly, but what choices do I have? So I tried to enjoy my return. I had a summer class with international students, and I always enjoy teaching National Heroism to these kids in English. Another thing to mark is my brother's marriage. It was very simple yet meaningful. I couldn't believe he was getting married and how fast time flies. I wish him a happy life with his wife.

September 2017
Skylar first flight!!! It was so challenging yet fun. Skylar had so much fun visiting her oma and my mum also enjoyed our trip. We also celebrated Skylar's aunty, Vanessa, birthday with her friends. I became a speaker in an international conference and it was so great! I had a great moment sharing my knowledge and experience with strangers, what an achievement :D Also to mark my age turning 28, OMG I AM SO OLD. I took a long time thinking what I have done and what my plans are for myself and my family. I think this month was quite a reflection and evaluation moment after passing several life changing phases; being a mom, a wife, a working mom, a long distance marriage wife, and many more life drama.

October 2017
This month was a career month to me! I went back on stage as a moderator for CAPRS event with great speakers that I arranged. I also received flowers from my students as an apology of being late, I think it was very touchy that they think that way. I taught new subject this semester; communication persuasion, and shout out to my students PR18 classes!!! XX I am super proud of you guys! Thank you for making my life even more meaningful by having you this semester. I also started wearing hijab this month!!! I know hijrah is never that easy, but I don't know why this time I barely feel anything hard, at all. My husband is very supportive, so is my family and colleagues. I enjoyed the changing so much, thank God!

November 2017
Another life changing month; Skylar got sick and hospitalised. I was more than thrilled and horrified by her condition. Her dad had to fly back home to company me at the hospital taking care of my little poor Skylar who got dengue fever. It was a tiring and sad week, but I was thankful I had that moment at some points, it taught me to be strong and to spend more time with my baby. Skylar was then flu after 3 days in the hospital, but she went okay after all. I know she is a strong girl.

December 2017
ANYER TRIP! BANDUNG TRIP! Such a beautiful year end treat for us three. I think that this year is mostly about family, yet I couldn't get enough of them yet. I asked my hubby if he can find any job around, as I am thinking to resign from the office life here and take part time class instead. There are many many things I have to consider and be careful of. Life is not getting easier, but surely I have to be stronger than before, than anything. for my Skylar and my family.

You know, wind will always come and go, to break me and to push me forward. I just need to control myself and be in a good way about it.
Life.

The Blogging Blogger

I sorta lost my old Blogger app on my iPhone. It just crashed and I decided to uninstall that one. I downloaded the new one and this one is paid. I haven't decided whether I have to buy it or not but I will after I try this post for free.

I think lately I haven't been too much in writing because of laziness and busy-ness. You know, baby, work drama, family matters, and other distraction. 

Here comes December again and I surely will write more (I know this is what I've been saying over and over again but I never walk the talk, shameful) especially for Catatan Akhir Tahun. I will NEVER miss Catatan Akhir Tahun as it's my refletion.

There are also some stories I would like to cover in a few other posts. Bear with me.

Monday

Lately

Aku sedang hobi memandangi langit malam hari. Menurutku, tenang dan menenangkan. Bukan karena siang hariku bosan atau melelahkan, hanya saja langit malam selalu memberiku ketenangan belakangan ini.

Ya, belakangan ini.

Gelapnya langit malam tidak lagi membuatku takut, namun lebih tenang. Mungkin akibat gumpalan awan yang sesekali datang, atau akibat taburan bintang yang sesekali tertampakkan.

Malam ini, langit bicara padaku. Ia bicara bahasa kalbu, aku pikir sulit memahaminya, ternyata hanya butuh beberapa bait lagu dan beberapa patah kata untuk bertutur dengannya. Sebenarnya aku tidak yakin dia paham dengan ucapanku, tapi dari lengkungan bulan yang mengisinya, sepertinya langit mengerti.

Aku sampaikan pada langit bahwa kisah kitab suci yang kubagi dengannya itu nyata. Mungkin butuh kesabaran seluas dirinya untuk percaya, atau sekedar menjadi terbiasa. Mungkin butuh waktu sepanjang dirinya digabung siangnya untuk memberi makna, buat setiap ungkapan yang aku wariskan padanya.

Ya, hanya ungkapan yang dapat aku wariskan. Mungkin selebihnya dia akan bertahan sendiri, dengan gelap, dengan terang, dengan sahabatnya bulan dan bintang, samapun dengan awan dan hujan di siangnya.

Dia, langit terindah, terkuat, tertenang dan terbijaksana di sepanjang malamku terjaga.

Dia, langit tertinggi, terindah, terberani dan terbaik di sepanjang siangku berusaha.

Langit, kamu begitu cantik malam ini.

Satu Detik Dari Setiap Malamku

Adalah tangisan kamu.
Adalah betapa kamu lelap dalam tidurmu.
Adalah saat dimana titik air mataku.
Adalah doa yang sama.
Adalah nama yang serupa.
Adalah lengkungan senyum di wajahmu.
Adalah tawaku kepada tawamu.
Adalah gerakan yang menenangkan.
Adalah ceritamu.
Adalah gerutu tak jemu dari bibirmu.
Adalah kecapan kecapan haru.
Adalah ulasan kisah tak berujung.

Satu detik dari setiap malamku adalah kamu.

Dusk, Dawn and Midnight

You can say anything. Really. Anything.
All I care is my own happiness.
What matters most is myself and how I am content with my life.

When you're too tired to sleep

I'm finally on this phase; too tired to fall asleep.

Living my day like it's the last with my child. Feeling the love no words can describe. And doing the best effort as if I'm the strongest in the world.

Motherhood has taken me into another level of being a human. I thought I understood how amazing my mum is. Until I'm on my own phase now, I always -always feel so lousy and not doing much enough for my baby.

This just makes me more and more vulnerable when it comes to child matters. Nothing in this world can compare to having her. I think she's even my world now.

Every single night, squeezing between my tired eyes and aching body, I pray God grant her the best protection, love, and assurance that she's going to be ok.

And squeezing between wet diapers and loud cry, I pray I have the strength to make sure she's going to be ok.

And the tiredness may never stop

Being a new mom is just so hard. I think I have managed to survive up until today because God is still kind enough to let me live. I get many helps from around but still very tired on the inside. I don't know what or why, it's just never relieved.

I thought it was the sleeping pattern, which I assume I lack of quality sleeping lately. But then the psychological adds up. I think it's a huge deal to never feel the same again once I am a mother. The only healing I have is the smile of my daughter. I heals everything, almost.

The last time I cried was with her, apologising for not being a good mom yet. And I promised her I'll keep on trying and going forward. I think she understood me well. She smiles every time I told her my concern. Such a sweet baby. Or probably such a sweet angel who keeps her attended during these 40 days.

God, grant me strength to go through another day.

I call you, Skylar

I will never forgive myself if I ever abandon you. You are by far the biggest achievement in my life. There is no word at the moment that I can type no matter how much I want to express my feelings for you.

Day and night, up and down, happy and sad, I always think about you, and how grateful I am for having you in my life as a reward at the same time responsibility.

Thank you for making me grow up, getting wiser, more patient, loving and feeling more sense in this cruel world. Thank you for lightning up my gloomy life and giving me meaning of survival.

Thank you for smiling at me or holding my finger everytime you latch on me.

Thank you for all sleepless night you gave me yet I enjoyed a lot.

Thank you for being exist and empower me everytime I feel weak.

Thank you for becoming a reason why this life is eventually worth living.

Thank you for adding value as a human in me, and you are why I always want to go home.

Thank you for reminding me that although this life is tough, I can always go thru it.

That you for being sunshine at the same time rainbow in my day and night.

My deal Skylar Shabrina Kurniawan, I love you, indefinitely. ❤️

Born in Jakarta, 18 May 2016, 00:16. My love, my life, my angel.

About Time

I am so sick of people who don't appreciate time.
Like, they know it's something they cannot buy, they cannot negotiate and they cannot turn back. But they waste it anyway.
I am so sick of people who cannot manage time.
Like, they think they can always chill and take as much as they can take while everyone else is abandoned.
I am so sick of people who aren't aware of time.
Like, they forget other have their own priorities too and when they think of themselves they're bending everyone's.
May people like this kind regret safely in the future.
Bitch.

Regards,
the one who's always late because of waiting what could have not be waited for.

Happy Birthday Brother

YAY!
Maternity leave means blogging blogging and blogging. I cannot remember when was the last time I wrote blog? GOD! If there was such a rule, I'd been sent to hell for bailing writing for so long.

So this month is supposed to be my due-month of giving birth. I. CANNOT. WAIT.

That is like the only three words I can say.
All the pain worth the wait I guess.
I don't know. I've been losing track of writing yet I still express myself on social media.

I started a hashtag poetwit on my @pastelarasaty at the same time reading novels and books to help me alter my stress. My husband is always around, so comfortable.
Family support is always endless, I miss my dad though.

Brother's coming next month. Yes, the baby brother whom I'm celebrating his birthday today. SOOOO HAPPY and I cannot hardly wait to deliver the baby and see how she looks like.
Yes, she. It's a girl. At least so far that's what the USG said. I don't really mind if it turns about a boy.

Meanwhile.
Seriously, maternity leave is SUPER BORING so please bear with my writing for the next few days. I might start talking about my current position at work, projects, research and dream in progress.
That's it for May 11th. May the blissful May be with you and me and us and this world.