You Matter

 Dear Self

You matter. You play an important role in this life, and you are important to some individuals. Not a few people are expecting and hoping a lot from you. You have to stay sane and you have to stay strong. You are the place to go for your kids, you are the core of their education. You are awaited and anticipated.

No matter how painful days can be, or saddening situation might be. No matter how hard tasks hit you, and no matter how bitter life can turn, you have to stand up and stand still. Rest your problems and thoughts to Allah. Let shalah and sabr be your rescue in any situation. Don't stop believing that Allah listens, He forgives and He loves you.

Remember, whatever happens, you have to remain resilient, persistent and sane.

That's the key.

best regards

yourself

The Day You Said I Love You but in Foreign Language

You are the luckiest, because I speak Foreign Language. I absolutely know and understand the language you speak, and though conflict happened, it wasn't because I didn't understand it, but because I chose to be angry instead of accepting.

But last night was special. You said "I love you" in Foreign Language, which I think you think I don't know, or I don't care. But I know, and it means so much to me. The more special thing was it happened during my sober time, I wasn't asleep or unconscious, I was fully awake and in my brain's primetime.

Of course I still dislike quite some things and moment. But dislike-ness isn't my priority these days, I have selected the best emotions and managed the best reaction and action towards all situation by realising that we can always CHOOSE how to behave. I can always CHOOSE to stay quiet or to speak up. I can always CHOOSE to start and respond the conflict or sit down and watch.

Yes, I occasionally love watching failures, especially by the result of my non-preference. I enjoy it and I treasure it. Not because I am mean, but I basically enjoy every moment in this life. Where it doesn't always go your way, but you can always have a way to embrace it.

Go through it. Someday you will understand why it happened.

Let Me Blog You

I was wrong to think that this is the safe space I could talk about you or anything else that I can't express in person. I was completely wrong to think that you wouldn't find me here. I was, of course, wrong to think that I went unnoticed.

You are one of the things I think about before I sleep almost every night. Just almost, because one or two nights, my mind couldn't occupy more than the exhaustion of adoring you. Yes, to you, perhaps I don't exist. Or maybe I don't read it well to realise that I am meant to go unnoticed anyway.

The expectation kills, they say, and I believe them. Yet, I don't find anything more reasonable than having and expectation to go through day by day in my life. Expecting and hoping you would finally see, or realise, or sense, or,,, ah, it's just an expectation. Yes it kills.

So let me blog you, to keep myself reminded one day why I put up with insanity of watching and loving you from distance. Only a slight faith, but it's more than enough, to feed my ego and to fulfil my need of strength. Each day.

Yes.

Each day.

Each day of watching you, praying for you, dreaming you sometimes, and each day of killing myself with an expectation.

So let me blog you, to remind you too, that if you ever found me, in darkness or in brightness, I am the one who holds the slight faith for your love.

So let me blog you, so you know that you are so missed, so longed and so craved. By an entity like me.

So let me blog you, so you know that you are precious and awaited.

And let me blog you, so the world can always access my deepest feelings about you, and how a slight faith can fuel up my desperation, loneliness and empty dreams.