PRE - Catatan Akhir Tahun

Not everyone is ready to see a long, tiring and boring process of something successful.

Sebuah citra misalnya, it's easy to see and judge that on the surface, I am very cheerful and happy. I am always positive and encouraging. Then if you ask my husband, he sees me with my tears almost every night. He hears me saying stupid-silly and annoying things about politic, about people, about many things, really. He sleeps in boredom sometimes listening to my jokes and answering my non-sense. He hugs me most nights, probably because he wants me to stop hurting myself by overthinking ugly possibilities that might never happen. See, not everyone understands this.

I think, not everyone is ready to see all of it about me. Kebanyakan orang; mahasiswa, teman, co-worker, strangers, mungkin melihat sisi luar dan hasil dari berbagai proses yang aku jalanin sehari-hari sebagai manusia, sebagai dosen, sebagai pekerja, sebagai ibu, dan sebagai peran lainnya yang aku mainkan. Lalu akupun sadar, bahwa kritik, pujian, komentar dan dukungan dari seorang suamiku nggak selalu bisa dilakukan banyak orang terhadapku. Maka banyak-banyak syukurku tahun ini untuk my inner circle, my support system, my family, my best friends.

Semoga 2022 membawa banyak berkah dan mimpi lainnya jadi nyata. Karena tahun masehi kali ini, banyak warnanya dan membuatku jadi semakin mengerti dan semakin ingin belajar lebih banyak. Bahwa hidup nggak cuma hitam dan putih, meskipun yang kamu lihat kadang cuma satu sisi saja.

Sometimes you just have to see the result, not the process.

Bahwa Hidup Itu Nggak Cuma Hitam dan Putih

Pulang dari Pandeglang, aku seperti mendapat banyak oleh-oleh moral yang menyadarkan akan hal baru tentang hidup; dunia ini nggak cuma hitam dan putih. Aku melihat keluarga-keluarga Sunda dan nilai budaya Islam ala leluhurnya. Aku melihat sosok keramahan di sebuah desa bernama Tamanjaya, di kampung Paniis dan aku belajar bahwa cinta itu bermacam bentuknya. Sepertinya nggak adil kalo kubilang "jahat dan salah" kepada seorang nenek yang membawa cucunya bekerja sambil mengumpat manja tiap bocah 1.5tahun itu jatuh dari langkah kecilnya. Aku selalu tau bahwa parenting itu berat, tapi nggak adil juga jika seorang nenek yang aku tidak tau latar belakangnya harus kunilai "salah" saat menyertakan cucunya di kesehariannya. Dan banyak kisah keluarga dan parenting lainnya yang membuatku miris, hingga aku dipaksa menerima hanya dalam hitungan tiga hari kerja.

Belum lagi kisah 97 murid sekolah dasar yang minim sentuhan kemajuan dan teknologi padahal pandemi memaksa untuk berevolusi tanpa preparasi. Lalu sosok guru-guru pengajar di daerah terpencil, jauh dari modernisasi hingga moral merokok di lingkungan sekolah, bahkan depan muridpun seperti tanpa teguran dan kesadaran. Aku miris, membayangkan hal-hal yang sesungguhnya -bukan salah- tapi bisa jauh lebih baik jika tersentuh dengan perkembangan peradaban masa kini. Dambaan laptop dan teknologi terkini juga terhambat oleh Si Klepto yang menghantui lingkungan sekolah. Si Klepto, iya, itu hanya sebutanku. Sosok yang suka merongrong sekolah dengan keunikannya mencuri dan masuk ke lingkungan sekolah untuk merusak. Ah, banyak masalahnya. Aku resah.

NGO sebelah mendiskusikan edukasi untuk remaja tentang teknologi dan moral dari seks bebas. Perkaranya, bingkai mereka adalah pernikahan dini yang dianggap salah. Menurutku, tidak salah, hanya saja butuh persiapan dan sentuhan tepat untuk menjadikan pernikahan dini sebagai hal wajar dan terkontrol sehingga dampak negatifnya bisa diminimalisir. Tapi... persiapan dan edukasi pernikahan? Duh, rasanya bukan lahanku. Selain karena aku adalah contoh gagal pernikahan ideal, rasanya aku juga bukan sosok tepat untuk melawan nilai kultural di area yang rentan mis-edukasi dan ketertinggalan. Aku resah.

Aku resah hingga hanya mimpi buruk dan mimpi baik yang mendorongku terus mencoba berbuat kebaikan. Aku resah hinga suatu pagi air mata menjadi bukti ketidakberdayaanku untuk memberdayakan mereka di sana. Di sana, di tempat yang tidak secara fisik dekat, dan jelas tidak secara mental juga dekat.

Bismillah, semoga warna warni hidup lainnya mendekorasi pandanganku dan langkahku, agar yang sulit terasa mudah dan yang jauh terasa dekat. Bismillah aku berjalan di koridorku untuk membagi kebaikan berikutnya. Semampuku.

A Peace of Mind, A Piece of Mine

Dear Mas Hafiz

It's a comforting image to me to know that you are sleeping sound with the kids. They are not yours but surprisingly you treat them so much better than their own real father. I am truly blessed having you.

Please don't get tired of hearing me adoring and loving you. Please don't get bored with my cuddling attitudes towards you. Please don't stop understanding how much I look up to you a lot. You are truly an answered prayer I've longed for since I was so sure I needed an imaam.

Mas, this might be the missing part of me typing as we haven't met 10 days since our business trips. But I am well aware that every day I love you more and more, for everything that you do, and for everything that you are. Thank you very much for choosing me over anything else in your life.

I really can't wait to see you & to be in your arms again.

With love,

Your wife.

Wahai Jiwa yang Tenang

Berpasrahlah, karena apa yang jadi milikmu tidak akan melewatkanmu, dan apa yang bukan milikmu tidak akan datang padamu.

Rasakanlah hangatnya pelukan sepertiga malam, agar kau ingat lagi berapa banyak rahmat yang tidak bisa kau hitung.

Pejamkanlah risaumu, agar kau tidak selalu lelah mengkuantifikasi atau mengkualifikasi setiap kejadian yang harus kau tuntaskan persamaannya.

Duduklah lebih dalam, sujudlah lebih lama, agar kau rasakan cinta yang tidak ada bandingannya. Cinta yang tidak selalu kau paham bahasanya, tapi selalu bisa kau reguk tenangnya.

Diamlah, lihat lagi sekitarmu. Nikmat yang mana yang kau dustai?

My Personal 5AM Post

 Underneath the blanket and between the sweats running through our neck and the jawlines. I think this might be the most personal post I have ever written after considering a few possibilities that might come out when it's released.

There is something about your touch.

It's not necessarily warm all the time, but it touches rightly. There is something hypnotising about your stare, when you look down at me and smile without grinning. You make me so loved and so exposed at the same time.

The after feeling is even greater. You make me feel protected without having to fight for it. I am so safe around you. I am so content when you're next to me.

Just to feel you looking at me and listening to what I have in my silly mind. Then to always respond to my thoughts erratically. You tell me back stories I haven't heard and you always have something new to surprise me. Effortlessly.

Guess it's must be hard for you to love me. Because you make it through so effortlessly.

And I love you for always trying.

Adaptasi

 Belakangan aku sering mengabaikan banyak hal. Dan aku sangat bangga bisa abai.

Sampai hari ini aku merasa abai malah mengantarkanku pada rasa kesal yang menumpuk di pojok persembunyiannya. Iya. Rasa kesal itu tidak pergi, tapi ngumpet di balik beberapa emosi lainnya yang memang dominan akhir-akhir ini.

Kepengen doa yang jahat-jahat, tapi takut berbalik padaku. Jadi aku doa yang baik-baik untuk diriku sendiri dan orang lain, biar kebaikannya juga kembali padaku.

Boleh kan, pamrih sama Tuhan?

A Month and An Inch Becoming A Wife

.... of Hafiz.

I have to admit, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Berangkat dengan rasa takut didampingi tekad yang bulat untuk mengarungi 'rumah tangga' lagi, sebulan jadi istrinya Hafiz adalah suatu hal yang rewarding. Saking rewardingnya, selain feeling undeserving, I also feel guilty and sorry for all the girls Hafiz had ditched for me.

There aren't so many things I can describe here, but just a few monumental moments I'd like to cherish forever. At least as a good sign of a good life and fortune in the near future.

1. He holds my hands in the most unexpected moments. He doesn't do it as much as he did in the past before we were married, yet now it becomes something meaningful because it's rare. I learn that relationship is NOT ALWAYS about keeping the old-sweet-cheesy habits, but also about consistently exploring what your partner is becoming. It upsets me, of course, at some point where I'm still trapped in the course of clinginess when we're together. But I can't complain, really can't complain because Hafiz is more than enough.

2. What always amuses me is how passionate he is when he's talking. This doesn't change, dan kayaknya memang nggak akan berubah sampai kapanpun. Mungkin dia nggak sadar, but there is something charming saat dia bicara dan menjelaskan banyak hal yang aku belum tau (atau sudah tapi bukan darinya). I wonder what he thinks about me, I always do. Lagi-lagi kan, aku belajar menerima bahwa some things are left unspoken to be: (A) a mystery, (B) a prevention of getting hurt, (C) the reason why things are still the same, (D) the sign of a non-existence. Aku belajar membiarkan. I know! Membiarkan is not me banget. I don't let things go, especially things that concerns me. But I do. I let go more often than before when it comes to what he thinks of me. Does it annoy me? Yes. But okay, I can live with that.

3. Hal yang biasa aja adalah hal yang luar biasa saat bersama Hafiz. Dia banyak secara nggak langsung mengajakku untuk memaknai kata 'biasa aja'. It becomes a spectacular term for an extraordinary me. I think this is mutual, yet I'm learning more from him than he is from me. Not many lessons can be taken from me. Or at least that's how I feel when it comes to questioning 'what do you like about me or being with me'. He always answers with 'biasa aja' for so many occasions and emotions. It amazes me how he can be so 'biasa aja'  for many GRAND occurrences. It teaches me that to appreciate something is not always by acknowledging it. Sometimes it's just to take it and live it as it is. Biasa aja kan?

4. This is to many more 25th's in my life with him. This is to those many nights where I feel so alone and fragile, missing the ordinary things that has been gone since he came. This is to rewarding myself for something I barely hear from him but always feel. This is to the upcoming storms, shits and craziness I am about to go through with, for, and to you. This is to many more 'biasa aja' experiences in the future with you.

I hope you see how extraordinary is life with you no matter how deep you plant your ordinary value in my life.

A few Hypothetical Questions

.......I always wonder when it comes to long term-relationships.

First of all, where did all the excitement go? Where did the every one hour rain check call go?

Where did all the 'call me when you are home' go? Where did I miss you and I love you exchange go?

Most of all, where did all the spark go?

Has your partner changed so you stopped falling in love?

Have you changed your feelings and affection?

Has your partner done anything unusual, or maybe even too usual that you lost interest?

Have you done enough to make your partner happy that you think there is no more effort you can do?

Has your partner gone crazy if they still want the same spark like the first day?

Does questioning this issue make your partner crazy for always craving attention and compassion?

If your partner decided to try to not care, although it's so hard for them, would you consider them losing interest like you do?

From A Father to His Daughter

Baby,

How do I tell the world that you are my diamond?

I don't want you to be taken but I know you're not mine forever.

How do I show them that I love you so much?

I don't want to let you down but I know you deserve the world.

How do I tell them that you're my weak spot? Will that make me weak too? I want to keep you in my arms so I can always protect you.

But I know eventually you're gonna be with someone else. You're gonna need someone who can give you what I can't give you.

I know there's always someone else who can make you happy.

I know there's always someone who can give you what you need and what you want, but not me.

Baby girl,

I want you to know that I never want to see you sad or make you cry, but you deserve all emotions and experience. You need life.

In life, you can't always feel happiness no matter how hard I'm trying to give you one.

In life, you'll fall and rise again, you'll get hurt no matter how much I love you.

In life, you need to be set free no matter how often I ground and keep you. 

You deserve a life, not always the beautiful and perfect one. You deserve a colourful one.

Please know whenever you're feeling blue or grey, I'll be here for you. And when I'm gone, you have my heart forever since day one I have you.

Baby girl, this life is not always about rainbow. There will be some storms too no matter how much I love you. You'll survive, you'll manage, you'll be strong through it, and you'll be the better version of you who I love so much. Unconditionally.

You may never hear me say it face to face, but I know you can feel it. Because love is sometimes unspoken, but it's always felt. I love you, for whatever God makes it to.

Your father.

and the things that you complicate...

This is an opposite of me, lying next to you, looking at your face looking away from my face. You make it so hard to do some things lately.

First of all, you make expressing my love for you so hard. Everytime I'm trying to express my feeling you express the other way around. Somehow I feel like I'm overreacting or maybe overthinking, it's me. Some other times, I just feel that what I feel is invalid. It's you, your gesture, your way of looking at me, your smile, it's just you.

Second of all, you make me hard to concentrate. There aren't many times for me to focus on what I'm supposed to do without thinking of you. You take so much space in my mind and in my heart oh, so much that sometimes I couldn't breathe just to imagine living another day without you.

Last but not least, you make it so hard to not love you, let alone to hate you despite all the things that you've done, consciously and unconsciously. I'm taking my days splitting my mind to understand your language and to make you understand my language. It's not an easy thing to do but I'm willing to do, especially knowing how much you would have done for me and of course the things you would do for me.

You're so annoying, and I love you for that. Stay with me.

We are getting Us.

15 years ago, I disbelieved the constitution called 'marriage'. To me, it's nothing but a complete insanity to share you life with a stranger until the day you die. I thought it was stupid to be with someone new and let go more than a half of you to be something else you're probably not. It was a complete non sense to me to be married and be trapped inside it.

Let's say it's part of my trauma with my parents. It took me another decade from that day to understand why I felt what I felt. Then I realised, everything is made for a reason. Nothing is coincident and nothing is not meant to be when it is.

5 years ago, I was finally trapped in my marriage, an unhealthy one. Needless to say how harmful the relationship was for me & my partner back then. We decided to split, hard-heartedly of course but we managed. It was official after 4 years being married.

Today, I'm typing this with a full consciousness that I'll be 'trapping' myself again in another marriage. Somehow, this time I am not who I was. I am no longer the old me that sank in the negativity of marriage. I have two kids whose future I'm partly responsible for, I have wider perspective than just being selfish.

Today, I am a few weeks from getting married, and I am so excited about it. Not that I forgot about my trauma(s), but actually I'm feeling stronger because of it. I'm loved and surrounded by positivity, and that's how I keep going. That's how I survive.

Lagi, sekali lagi.

Biar kutulis lagi, hal-hal yang mengingatkanmu kenapa aku jatuh hati & menautkan segenap perasaan buatmu.

Di antaranya adalah senyummu, saat memandangku melakukan urusanku. Setiap kutanya kenapa, cuma "emang nggak boleh aku senyum?" Jawabmu. Kamus nonverbal terbatasku mendefinisikannya sebagai "aku kagum padamu", "kamu terlihat cantik kalau begitu", dan "bisakah kita berhenti di masa ini beberapa saat agak lama?"

Di antara lainnya adalah sentuhan tanganmu saat sedihku melanda tanpa suara. Tanpa aba-aba seperti mendekap semua masalah dan membasuh bekas luka kering maupun baru. Dan kamus nonverbal terbatasku tentu mendefinisikannya semudah "tenang ya, ada aku, everything will be okay" yang memang selalu jadi jargon hidupmu.

Di antara lainnya adalah ungkapan cinta yang tak terduga, atau di selipan kesibukan keseharian. Kamus nonverbal ku tidak berguna, karena kamu berkata apa adanya dan apa arti harfiahnya. Perihal seperti I love you, atau bentuk verbal lainnya.

Kalau kamu tau, andai bisa kutuangkan rekaman memori perasaanku tentang kamu ke dalam bentuk nyata, pastikan kubuat semua seperti mantra. Atau doa. 

Dan malam ini, dalam lelapmu, aku bertanya:

Betulkah semua yang kuduga tentang kita, masa depan berdua dan selamanya setia?

You and Your Curiosity

There is one night I really wonder about you and your curiosity.

About bridge. About building. About glass and mirror. About how sky is blue. About how religions divide people.

There is one night your curiosity hurts you. You're bleeding so badly from the questions you ask, and I couldn't help you. You said you were okay anyway, so I left.

ABOUT THE DAY

There is one day you feel extremely clueless about everything, you ask me so many things I don't even have the answer to. I said "I don't know either" but you answered "that doesn't change my feelings for you"

ABOUT YOUR FEELING

You always come across feelings with me and about everything. You always feel everything, I think at some point that's what makes you distinctive and so sensitive. You are made of a cotton that's sown into a million threads; soft but so strong.

Have you ever asked yourself those things you asked me? Or are you just throwing thoughts, topic and curiosity to make me stay?

Because I will stay.

76 is just a number.

I am getting more and more sceptical about so many things, including my country. Despite the fact that I love my country so much, I feel like the home-works are getting more and more redundant and hopeless. I don't wanna talk about the government, it'd include too much narrative on politics and cruelty.

Let's talk about the people. 80 percent of the population owns cellphone and connected to 24hrs internet access. We are supposed to be the agent of change, agent of peace, agent of whatever it is that make us more human by utilising the technology that surrounds us. Again, it's the matter of the morality. How much schools aren't teaching us to be human, schools teaching us to be 'the fittest' or let's just say, 'the fettish'.

We compete, consciously and subconsciously with ourselves, our friends and relatives, our community, even our common goals. We contradict our goals every day, we create a new wall between each other and call it 'boundary', some call it 'privacy', some call it 'principle'. Whatever you call it. It's the same wall we build every day, how silly.

If one can study deeper and more about how society in this country have changed a lot in the past decades, they'd reflect how MUCH THEY PLAY THE ROLE to make us who we are today;

plastic waste,

gender equality,

better education,

transparent governance,

religious practices,

human rights,

employability of the youth.

Oh, one more thing; the pandemic. I hate to put that term here, that'd include my blog in the algorithm of internet content with the hot words. That would I'm participating in global madness about how this virus progressively force us to face the new world and new system. The world and the system we are never ready for, the system we will never be ready for. It has split us into individuals with our own walls: boundary, privacy and principle. It has split us and show the other side of us.

Sadly, my country has participated in an mountable part of that virus effect. 

Just look at how media conglomerates take over my Google search engine and become the first one to appear, as if the are the true ones. As if they are the most balanced, as if they are the most representative of the people. As if they are the real watchdog for better society and better nation. It's sad.

It's sad that the most useful tool of fighting the pandemic is mass media. It's sad that the distinction between THE PEOPLE and THE MEDIA are now blurred by THE ONE WHO HAS MONEY.

It's sad to say that 76 is just a number.

Get well soon, Indonesia.

Salam dariku yang suka meneliti rasa...

 dan mendalami setiap kata.

Ada beberapa jam di hidupku yang habis kugunakan memikirkan hal yang tidak pernah ada, tapi kupikir akan ada karena mungkin rasanya bisa, dan ternyata tetap tidak ada. Yang menyadarkanku adalah kenyataan bahwa setiap ungkapan di tengah malam hanya bisa didengar oleh Sang Pencipta. 

Termasuk namamu.

Yang aku langitkan di sekian banyak malam, dalam bentuk keluhan maupun luapan rasa rindu. Kamu. hal yang belum aku jumpai tapi kuyakini akan segera hadir di hadapanku, menggugurkan setiap mimpi yang ternyata terbukti, dan mengungkapkan harapan yang bisa tewujud, serta menunaikan janji yang selama ini mengimingi.

Iya, kamu.

Yang aku bayangkan mendekapku saat kamu butuh, yang aku bayangkan memelukku saat aku butuh. Yang tanpa sepatah kata harus keluar dari mulutku untuk paham apa itu rindu, dan yang tanpa banyak gerakan untuk tau bagaimana menghalau keresahan.

Kamu. Dan tatapanmu yang sering kupertanyakan, dan senyumanmu yang sering jadi misteri. Ada satu Minggu dimana aku berhenti berkhayal dan menebak isi pikiranmu. Ada satu Senin dimana aku berharap semua ini mimpi dan aku melanjutkan hidup lagi. Ada satu Selasa dimana hadirmu di depanku seperti sebuah harapan baru. Ada satu Rabu dimana kita saling bicara tanpa tertawa. Ada satu Kamis dimana amarahmu dan amarahku bertemu tanpa menyakiti. Ada satu Jumat dimana doaku dan doamu mungkin bertemu saling menyapa. Ada satu Sabtu dimana kamu mengakhiri lelahmu dengan hidupmu dan memulai lelah baru dengan aku.

Kamu. Dan rasa penat yang sering kau ingkari, atau sekedar kau bungkus dengan ikhlas lillahi. Kamu dan setiap akhir harimu yang terpejam tak sengaja. Kamu dan tengah malam demi malam yang sunyi kecuali suara alam. Kamu dan tangisanmu yang tidak terdengar makhluk kasat mata. Kamu dan ketakutanmu akan kejutan hidup berikutnya. Dan kamu, dengan selirik doa panjang, yang cuma Tuhan bisa mendengar atau memahami.

Kamu. Dan semua luka di hati atau pikiranmu, yang membuatmu begitu rapuh tapi terbungkus angkuh. Kamu dan keraguanmu akan hal yang mungkin bisa menyerangmu. Kamu dan semua keputusan setengahmu karena didasari cemburu atau trauma masa lalu. Kamu dan ucapanmu dimana sembilan belas orang paham tapi tetap tak membalasmu.

Salam dariku, yang suka meneliti rasa dan mendalami setiap kata.

Those Three Times

 I love you the most when:

1. You asked "Apa? Kamu lagi mikir apa?" when I stared blankly to the road on the way in the car. As if, you knew I don't go silent unless I have something in mind. I love when you pay attention to small details and you actually care. Because every time I speak up my mind, you always respond whole-heartedly and it gives me a comfort zone. Perhaps a new one.

2. You abruptly asked "Nonton yuk!" when I'm stuck with work or when I almost fall asleep because of boredom. Like, you know I never sleep unless I'm very tired or I'm bored. We always end up scrolling minutes before deciding what to watch, but the excitement of me watching with you is above any level. Side by side, you just like to not only hold my hand, but also rub it against yours. When it's online, I saw you frequently checking up on my expression and replying to my stupid commentary, as always.

3. You take the kids to pray without me asking. It hurts me to my chest thinking how bad I am as a mother and how beautiful it is to have you around as our imam. You effortlessly tell them what to do, and they just enjoy being ordered by you. It's like you're the missing command they always long for, your presence is so precious that even when you're being strict, they just love it.

Really, it hurts so much to imagine if I have to lose you. No matter how cool you teach me to be, no matter how calm you probably hope me to be, I don't think I can never handle losing you. At nights, you're the topic I always talk about with God. I hope you stay healthy and happy as you are.

Getting Engaged (Again)

This isn't feel like something old at all. Probably it's different because Hafiz is the guy that I've ben so curious about. He has done way too much sacrifice and practiced the ultimate patience upon my insanity, my trauma, my unreasonable fear and my endless drama.

What makes it even more impressive is how he does it effortlessly; the things that used to be scary are now felt so easy. There are things that I thought was crazy, but Hafiz made it more sensible to me. He's the guy with almost zero ambition but to make me happy. His silence means he's talking his deepest thought, and even I wonder how I understand things that he doesn't say. It's weird, or probably known as chemistry.

August 1st, we are engaged.

This time is the moment I am mostly assured that I deserve to be loved, and to love someone again is not impossible. It just takes the right person, and Hafiz is the one.

Bismillah ya. It's a long winding road we're about to go through. So, Bismillah ya.

That's the ultimate strength we've been holding on since day 1 til forever hopefully.

Conversation in the Dark

 This is the saddest night of my life. I really can't remember the last time I feel this down and broken. That news just stroke me right to my lungs, and I lost my mind immediately.

"Hey isn't this your boyfriend?" along with the picture of him and a girl showing off their engagement rings. I stared at the picture a few seconds before another text popped in "what's going on? I don't understand, I thought you two were fine and getting married!" I didn't reply. I just locked my phone and put it down again. I drowned my face under my pillow and pulled my blanket up to my neck.

No, I didn't cry. My head went back to the conversation a couple of months ago, between me and that girl.

***

"Hey, sorry, are you waiting for him here?"

That's the first words that came out of my mouth when I saw her sitting in her car's driver's seat, looking down to her phone, probably texting my boyfriend. She was in an ugly shock when she saw me, immediately forcing a smile and stepped out of the car without answering me first.

"Hey, you remember me? We talked over the video call one day! How are you?" she asked me back in a very cheerful tone, she always is. I've been stalking her, and she's nothing but a sweet friendly girl.

"I really feel guilty. I know I shouldn't do this, if you don't like it, I really will stay away from your boyfriend. I think I've fallen for him and it's wrong, I know" she changed her tone into a concerned friend. For one second I thought she was going to hug me, but I held back. I finally put some wordings to respond her, "yeah, I sort of don't like that you're too close to him. I'm afraid of losing him, so could you please leave us alone?"

"Yes! Yes! Oh my god yes! I feel so bad already, I will definitely stop talking to him! I am so sorry!" she replied quickly as if what I said matched what she was thinking. I really tried so hard not to cry in front of her. She is so majestic, she's sweet, nice, smart and all great things a guy could ask for to make her their partner. I wonder what went wrong in her life, because I think she had some problems too looking at her blog and her social media posts. I didn't bother to ask, I just wanted to leave immediately.

Then I woke up.

***

I try to get up from my bed. I see two more notifications came in; one from work, one from my best friend. I don't bother to read them immediately. I really don't know what to feel right now, what I know is I'm so torn, and I have completely lost him.

***

"I can't continue this relationship. What I feel about you is not the same, and I don't want to keep you in this hurtful situation for any longer" I can't believe what I just heard. He is always a thinker, he always thinks so hard about himself before he says anything.

"Are you seeing someone else?" I can only ask him that. And of course, he never answers.                                  

***

Five months later now. As usual, he doesn't say anything. The picture says it all.

Tempat Berpulang Buatmu

Writing this one while I'm tucking my kids in bed, I could not help to not think about you and the things we've been through. I really never thought we'd go this far.

Kamu, yang tadinya tempatku bermain, melepas lelah dan sedih, kini jadi tempatku berpulang menceritakan lebih dari kelelahan dan kesedihan.

Kamu, yang tadinya tempatku mengukir tawa dan berbagai canda, kini jadi tempatku menulis cerita tentang yang sendu hingga yang lucu.

Kamu, yang kukira adalah perhentian sekilasku, ternyata lebih nyaman dari semua rencana ku.

Kamu yang begitu bersahaja sekaligus begitu banyak rahasia. Kamu yang begitu diam namun menyimpan banyak rasa dan cerita. Kamu yang begitu menenangkan sekaligus suka bertualang. Kamu yang begitu lembut namun sangat kuat hatinya.

I really feel undeserving to have met a person like you. I am so swept off of my feet to be loved by a person like you. There is nothing but gratefulness that I'd feel and express when it comes to having you in my life.

Then I am so scared.

Of losing you, of losing us. Because the pattern is: all good things come to an end.

So I'll surrender to the Most Eternal, to keep my heart tend to Him only. And if you're really written for me, we'll find a way around based on His Guidance.

I truly love you, because of Allah.

The Most Merciful and The Most Gracious.

An Update: A July Update

 Never thought I'd write the title in such repetition, I hate myself.

So just want to update you about what has been going on between me and... LIFE. In general, life has been good.  I gotta admit it's mostly because I'm pulled to a therapeutic way to God and the universe. It's nice to have my 1/3 night on sajadah telling my problems and thoughts, unheard, unseen and un-judged by any human-beings. It's so very nice that I think God needs to give me more problems so I can enjoy the bliss being awake at that time and just cry for no reason, or whisper prayers I haven't even heard before.

Well, another update I want to highlight is how low key my relationship with Hafiz has been. It's not only because we started off at the wrong line, but also I learned that being low key is so nice at some point. I get to see other perspectives and way to enjoy the subtle and humble life. I saved more and spent more on important stuff almost always, missed here and there but managed to keep it up.

We are getting married.

Yes, if you're reading this, we are getting married. It's a HUGE leap and a HUGE decision I gotta make in life. Perhaps my bestie would call it impulsive, I call it taking the leap. Of course I thought of crazy things at night about fidelity, betrayal, lies and other bitter shit that come along with marriage AND RELATIONSHIPS in general. But I'll take it, he's worth the shot because he's a keeper.

The other day, he was tested positive for covid, I was PANICKED as hell but managed to look calm (but not to him perhaps). A week, he went negative, all we did was getting more and more attached and I really liked his company. What makes me so fully aware is acknowledging all my flaws and bad temper attitude to him, yet he stays. I told him all my insecurities and vices, hoping he'd react. Oh he did, he stays. He didn't care and he's willing to go through it all. It's just weird, this is falling in love in a weird way, and I like it.

I'll update you again how our wedding plan is going, but not today. I'm hitting the bed now.

About Hafiz: and yet he stays.

I used to say that if you make it to my blog, then you must have done something grand. This time, it might not apply at all. This time is just a simple thought where I get to describe what I feel and what I fear.

I often wonder and ask: how can I be sure that this time is real?

I always find the answer to it: "YOU CAN'T.

What is sure is Allah, and to Him only you must expect, hope and pray."

My questions are found annoying, distrustful and so depressing. Normal and easy-to-go people would find it repelling if they were asked those questions. I'd rather be alone if not find someone else if it's me being doubted and questioned over and over again. I realise it's not always a nice task to do; to convince a person with so many wounds. I even imagine I'm hurting myself by trying to convince this kind of person

And yet he stays.

Do You Want To Know

 I used to think that having no ambitions must be so nice.

You showed me it was, then I realised, I don't want to be loved unconditionally.

As much as it's so weird to hear, but you know what? I really want you to have an ambition.

As little as, an ambition to fight for what you think and you feel is right for you.

51 KM - Don't you feel I fall for you?

We were joking about distance. You said it's 51 km between your house and mine. It moved me.

Because it's not about how far you go, it's about how far we go. Don't you feel I fall for you? That is the constant thought I have been feeling. Most of the times, I feel the answer is yes, then it leads to another thought of what do you feel? How should we move from here? 

Moving. It's so hard to no think about moving with you. It's so hard to let you go off my mind, no matter how hard I try. It strikes me to even think about how empty chats will be when you're not around. See? It moves me even to only overthink it.

The more I want to stop, the deeper I fall for you. The farther you go, the closer you feel. I hate feeling guilty, but I cannot stop thinking about you. I wish you talked more, I wish you told me things I need to know without me asking.

I wish you told me things I need to know without me asking. Because it burns to be curious, and it burns to wonder about you.

Lewat Senja Menuju Tengah Malam

 Kepada setiap percakapan yang hanya berjalan sepersekian menit, tidak sejaman, aku menyimpan banyak senyum simpul, dari bibir hingga dadaku, untuk percakapan kita. Yang biasanya diakhiri dengan tekanan tombol suka, atau sekedar good night juga. Yang biasannya kamu awali dengan apa kabar, dan kuakhiri dengan sebentar. Besok kita bicara lagi, lewat senja, seperempat malam dan menuju pagi di tengah malam berikutnya. Kamu, dan semua kejutan kecilmu.

Hati atau Lapangan?

I remember seeing a post from a friend saying that: mau sekecil apapun masalah dan perihal, kalo masuk ke hati yang kecil akan terasa besar dan hatinya jadi sempit. Begitupun betapa besarnya masalah dan perihal, kalo masuk ke hati yang lapang, tetap nggak akan nghabisin space di hati orang tersebut.

Buatku, nggak butuh jadi orang religius untuk merasakan yang namanya "iman" dan quote di atas bener banget. Masalah sekecil apapun, kalo masuk ke hati yang kecil, sempit dan sesak, pasti terasanya jadi masalah besar yang bikin sesak. Sedangkan masalah sebesar apapun, kalo masuk ke hati orang yang lapang, maka ngga akan makan lahan yang berlebihan dan orang itu masih bisa berlega-lega ria.

Buatku, ini bagian dari iman. Aku yakin yang Allah membesarkan dan mengecilkan hati manusia. Abis kalo bukan Allah, apa atau siapa lagi? Pengetahuan manusia kah? Nggak juga, banyak orang intelek yang susah ikhlas dan ridho sama suatu hal. Pengalaman manusia kah? Nggak juga, orang tua dengan banyak pengalaman hidup bisa aja gampang marah dan susah pasrah. Jadi apa? 

Menurutku yah kekuasaan dan keputusan Allah untuk melapangkan hati manusia.

Personally, masalah di hidupku kalo dilihat dari perspektif orang lain, mungkin ada yang kecil ada yang besar. Tapi buatku, masalah hidupku sejauh ini, yang besar tetap terasa besar dan ketika masuk ke hatiku, alhamdulillah masih ada space lapang di hatiku untuk masalah lain. It means, apakah masalahku yang ternyata tidak besar atau hatiku yang lapang? Either way, I think it's the same. Either Allah makes my problems easy, or He makes my heart so spacious and enlarged. Either way, it's so relieving to be aware of this. Pada akhirnya, banyak orang yang nggak bersyukur dan merasa beban hidupnya berat dan besar karena partly memang hati mereka mungkin kurang lapang. And it's not a skill, not everyone is blessed with big heart.

So I'm glad, for everything that I've been through and for how much Allah has enlarged my heart.