my pillow hates me.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

aku duduk terpojok di ranjang besarku, berpikir keras sendirian tentang penyebab perceraianku. masih jelas teringat di sudut lain kasur itu, aku bercinta dengan mantan suamiku malam sebelumnya, kami bicara seru tentang pekerjaannya, tentang mimpi-mimpiku.

setiap pagi, mulai kali ini, senyumku terulas pada sebuah bantal, kosong. tidak ada lagi bantal menumpu kepalaku, tidakpun lengannya menyangga leherku. aku namun tidak merasa sepi.

pagi-pagi kali ini, senyumku makin banyak terlempar, ke barang-barang kenangan kami. sungguh suatu kebingungan untukku atas perceraiaanku.

"you're like the best wife with the best sex in the whole world" pagi itu masih terngiang di pikiranku. aku bangkit membuka tirai kamar kami.
"i wish all our problems could be solved by sex. i really do"
lalu aku beranjak ke dapur setelah mengancingkan sekenanya kemeja kerja mantan suamiku di dekat tirai.
"i wonder what we can do to work this ouy. we've been so good together. almost perfect"
aku menuangkan espresso hangat untuknya, mengolah french toast kesukaannya dan mengembalikan tumpukan piring bersih dari sink ke rak.
"hey, do you wanna catch a movie tonight? it's your fav actress playing"
aku menggigit lembut apelku dan menyeduh segelas besar susu.
"hmm, no orange juice this morning? do you want me to grab one downstairs for you?"
aku membuang pandangan ke remote tv di sebelah piring rotinya. menyalakan tv dan larut dalam berita pagi itu.

kami selalu membicarakan apapun, tapi aku tidak. aku menyimpan lama jawaban atas setiap pertanyaannya. aku memendam dalam setiap tanggapan atas ucapannya. sampai akhirnya ketika otak dan hatiku bekerja sempurna bersama.

"we should get a divorce"
"oh, in thought i was the perfect wife?"
"you are, and i don't need you"
"yeah you're right.. let's get a divorce"

13 January 2013
hi you,
i hope everything is okay there. i'm really sorry you finally found out that he's re-married to one of my colleagues. gladly you've seperated now. as i'm on my huge project now, i'll be home next week and have some break for a couple of weeks. we can hang out if you want. just let me know if you need anything from here to be brought home. that's what friends are for.

Aku selalu ragu, setiap orang baru yang dekat denganku akan seperti mantan suamiku. Aku selalu ragu, apakah otak dan hatiku akan terus memberiku ambigu. Aku selalu ragu, kalau jiwaku....satu.

Malam ini, aku membuang jauh bantal-bantalku, seperti kelembutannya terkalahkan oleh kerasnya lengan manyan suamiku. Dan seperti malam-malam biasa, aku mendengar dengungan kebencian dari setiap sentimeter bantal dikamarku; bantal-bantal yang terabaikan. Seperti mereka punya perasaan lebih peka dibanding dinginnya tatapanku. Dan seperti malam-malam biasa, aku tak bisa dengan kilat memejamkan mata tanpa membunuh halusinasi hangatnya lengan mantan suamiku. Bantalku kian murka, dan aku tetap mengabaikannya.

what nature tells me.

Saturday, 19 January 2013

people are tearing apart, they drift away and they change.
they call it evolving, the call it moving on, they call it growing up, they call it nature.
to me, it is a choice. it is a choice whether you're moving away from your current or previous life path.
it is a choice where you pick and throw people you like, you want and you need.
being around people, i think is unnecessary sometimes. it either hurts, is inequivalent, i disadvantageous or is irrelevant to certain significant life path. 
being with people, does affect my mind and feeling. 
being with people, requires sacrifices.
 i think being alone is safe.
i learn people, i interact, i communicate. i know always that being alone protects me.
alone protects me.

The landscape of life.

Sunday, 13 January 2013

I didn't know that it doesn't take me to be an architect, nor a designer to talk about this.

I think God has made it through, that humans must come back to Him. Probably I haven't gone too far to come back. Or, perhaps I've ran too fast that I'm getting closer to where I started.

This life, and how it's manufactured tickles me. This life's so complex that I just want to simplify it, no matter how hard I have to fight to make it simple. I just haven't succeeded yet. I start to build my own landscape after God made me one. It must not as brilliant as God's, but at least it's where I lay down all my creations, my imaginations and my preferences. My landscape.

I hold the blue print of my landscape, I build the maquette, I design the composition and I draw a straight line of the timetable. By the time it finishes, I'd gladly announce that I've out-kept my sleeping pattern to achieve what I wanted. And I would always be proud of my landscape, no matter how amazing God must've actually planned for me. My landscape.

being ill is fun.

Thursday, 10 January 2013

I'm off from work today, means I've got plenty of times to watch series, dvd, and of course, hanging out online with boyfriend. Ooops, yeah, that task. Well, see you tomorrow work.

Jadi belakangan ini, pikiran kalut saya banyak disebabkan oleh pilihan pekerjaan. Not to mention that being in a relationship confuses me, but I'd rather see it as a break even point where I've driven myself crazy for a year in Masters (ehm, and being single) and now it's time for me to at least enjoy the gasp of free air.

Jobless. Mungkin kata itu tepat mendeskripsikan saya secara keseluruhan, tapi tanggung jawab saya di kantor juga nggak segede dosa sih, biasa aja. Data input and analysis, trus decision making tetep ada sama Pak Bos, bukan saya. Jadi wajar dong kalo saya sebut diri saya 'anak magang'. Probably gonna achieve another extra miles within three months; new project.

JWT, I'm so coming to you. Once boyfriend's back in town for good, all I need is busy-ness, nothing else matters. Small pay doesn't bother me, but being academically, technically and creatively useful is what has been haunting me, it will be, I mean. So, advertising and communication agency will always be my first aim. JWT, I'm so coming to you.

the very last dinner

Thursday, 3 January 2013

...was a cup of warm soup and a slice of beef steak...

"I'm glad you're back in town. How's work?"
"It was okay. How's yours?"
"Been doing crazy things and orders everywhere about the stock. You know, people are getting smarter now, plus they're getting more demanding too. I guess both Karl Marx and Adam Smith would love to experience this era"
"Uh huh"
"I missed you. Tell me about your school plan. You're taking different major?"

It was 2 in the morning, he could not stop asking me questions I didn't bother to elaborate. I wish I could be as straightforward as him when he's bored.

"I love my job, but I too look forward to feeling the classroom atmosphere again. Could you give me a break about which one to choose? I think I'm confused enough without you asking about the details." I think I hurt him.
"I'm sorry, I'm just wondering if I could be any help."
"I'm sorry, I really am happy being here with you. I just wanna have some fresh air before gasping the bad one back there. And this talk isn't really what I want. I'm really sorry"
"That is completely fine. Let's talk about something else. What happened with your housemate? Is she okay?"

The clock has turned to 3 in the morning. I yawned and rested my head on his lap. He was still talking about the crisis and politics in the world. I love his smart talk.

"Liz, you okay? You fell asleep last night, the telly was on when I stepped in" Cam woke me up with her soft voice and the smelly coffee
"Hey, I'm fine. I've just had a dream going home and meet my boyfriend"
"Oh dear, I believe he's fine by now. You missed him, huh?" I think Cam almost gave me a comforting hug when I was about to move out from the living room and headed to my bedroom.

On the table, "That very last dinner dream was remarkable, you talked about things that I love, no matter how ignorant I have been lately. I missed you. Tom"
I read his latest post card sent last week. He's gone now.
I feel horrible, I'm a little creep that scared out of my own's boyfriend funeral.
I feel...

It's just....
The very actual last dinner was when he proposed to me. I keep on falling into pieces, up until today.

Note to Boyfriend

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Dear Boyfriend,

So I'm kinda impatient writing the time capsule that we always have. Besides, as you know how habitual my PDA is, then I'll just write here. Look at the hit-count on the right tab, yes! it's where the world can see, even probably be jealous of us. You too know how competitive I am, hence this (uhm, long) note is sort of the counter confession of how much I worship God for giving you in my life.

I'm trying to not sound gombal here, you're an asshole, you know that? You annoy me most of the times. You're irresistible. You're irresistibly annoying! You make me wanna jump into your lap and dig your brain out of your head. Hopefully you'll lose your logic and keep on loving me like you do now, until then. You know, just in case we change (because the world does), and you turn out to hate me, and when you don't have the brain, the heart will tell you to keep loving me, yeay!

Eh sayang! Have I told you how brilliant you are in making me wanting you all the time? Like nothing ever before, those two weeks++ we spent last winter were too much for a rookie LDR couple like us. We shouldn't have shared the best part of us when we just began dating, we should keep it for later when we're really together in one place. That memory makes me go crazy and wanna sneak in to any daily flight to your city now and make out right in the airport! I miss the smart and quality talk with you. I miss glaring at solid target of our nyinyir-ness. I miss listening to your silly thoughts and behaviour. I miss all the fun times I had with you

I'm not going to give you details here, you mostly know what happened and what I might want to say. I just wanna tell you now that by the time this post pulled out on my website, you would have known that I miss you so bad, you and your asshole-ness, your gentle touch and your fantastic way of looking at me as if I'm priceless. I repeat, I MISS YOU SO BAD!

We both keep saying that 'us' is unbelievable, I'm still thinking exactly the same; how can a person like you exist in this dumped earth! And you happen to like me too! I'm convinced it's either I made a massive kindness in the past or I've made a mental mistake that God punish me by giving you; a perfect person, in such perfect time, on perfect distance and with the perfect way! I might stay awake thousands of nights (which, no I won't. I might die of lack of sleeping) thinking any possibility that you're not the one for me.

Shit, do I sound cheesy now? Because I care about this more than I care about you're feeling (love, you made me cry the last time I read your post about me, so I don't know what this note may suggest you to). I don't wanna sound cheesy at all, I don't even wanna sound romantic nor sweet. I just wanna sound realistic and trustworthy. I love you. (Yeah man, imagine how sickening cute my face is when I say those three words AND I MEAN IT. I LOVE YOU).

I love you. You've made the best moves of having my whole life falls towards yours. It's like you're my gravity; I will always fall on, for, and to you. You're that special, sporty, generous, cute, accepting, loving and bright boyfriend that I could barely find nothing that I must not share with you. When you told me that you're like a trophy boyfriend, I used to say "no" because you're not just "good to exhibit" but you're also actually worth to keep, worth to love and worth to have. Umm, no, you're more than that! Unwritten!

I love you. You know how to mention things that make me feel special. And I don't care that we're gonna piss each other off mostly about football team or trashy music and movies to watch. You know we know how far we can accept each others' disagreement. You're fantastic on coping with all our differences and similarities. WTF!

I will never forget how amazing you are throughout this stupid distance (dear God, excuse the swearing, but thanks for the distance lesson) between us as the starting point of our relationship. No matter how vague (no, it's not at all, yang! it's hypothetical) we might be in the future, I somehow know we're still gonna make the best out of our togetherness now. Come on, you made us a Relationship Agreement! Who would do that in their relationships? So I assume, our relationship is like a business to you; mutual benefit! (if you know what I mean, lol). Uhm, frankly, it means we are formal, professional and serious about it.

You're an asshole, you can't let me stop wanting your hug and your gentle protective touch, can you? And I miss you too for that! Yeah, I'm gonna stop wishing any teleport ability or time machine thing and those imaginary Doraemon's gadgets to make me meet you. But yeah, that physical fighting and touching stuff adds up the level of insanity of being away from you, then again, this note can't even dispatch exactly what I really feel for you.

By the way, love, you know when I'm serious about and keen into one thing, I'll chase and work it out as madly as I can to make it true; look at how I gained my Masters degree, look at how we survive so far, look at how I managed to handle the two big babies around London those days (yeah, sorry I sound snob now, but that's what we are; SNOB COUPLE). Look at those? It's when I plan, I stick to it.

And now, we're reaching this new bloody 2013, (yeah time flies but I don't know why my longing for you doesn't, it stays in my brain and in my heart) and let me admit that I have some plans.

Looking at how asshole and wonderful you are as my significant other, superb boyfriend, I plan to run with you one morning, listen to our own earphones and keep talking while we run.
I plan to sit down in a quiet morning having breakfast with you and talk about many things in the world; the unthinkable ones. That talk that makes us think "holy fuck! I am so lucky finding you in my life that I never thought I would have had any of this conversation with anyone else!" and enjoy each other's company.
I plan to cook together with you one afternoon and enjoy the meal until we laugh while we wash the dishes. Yes, the idea of having a dishwasher is not my thing; not only it's an energy waste, it also took out our team-work quality in the kitchen.
I plan to sink ourselves in a comfy couch watching our favourite movies and discuss it. I know we will mostly mock, but then the cuddling is the best part too.
I plan to stay intellect, not to impress you, but to keep our remarkable first meeting that day in a seminar. And I'm always thankful that I can have someone who understands Freudian, hindsight, and many others geek-nerd terms without judging me.
I plan to browse good music and prove you that my music knowledge is broad, and that's what makes you love me for more. We can dance, I promised teaching you the Salsa, right!
I plan to have a random date with you so we can always feel that abege spirit of relationship. You never asked me to be your girlfriend, man! The only question you asked was "would you be mine?" and that's it. Phew!
I plan to always pray with you every night before we sleep so I can focus on what I want and tell it straight to God that I only want you, to lead me in His way.
I plan to cater to you and tell you things that make you happy, even when they don't, I'm gonna tell it in a happy way so you'll be just okay all the time.
I plan to comfort you when you need me and whenever you want me to be around. When we're both tired of the day, we just lie down, stare at the ceiling, holding hands and stay silent until we fall asleep. Because seeing your morning smile is always the best mood booster of the day; to wake up not alone.

It's just too many to write here; what I plan. But you know what my master plan is? I plan to love you.
It's actually what I've been doing recently, so I plan to keep on loving you.

Afterall, let's roll this 2013. I wish you the most enjoyable time in Leeds and England, with your M.Sc programmes, with your self-plans, with your upcoming seasons, with all your handsomeness and I look forward to seeing, kissing, hugging, teasing, kicking, punching, loving, kidding, sniffing you, very berry merry soon, love!

Tonnes of kisses,

When I see you, dear Gamal Arshad Sidharta, please remind me to scratch your face. Yes, you know I'm always violent to you, that is for how much you make me wanna hug you tight, not letting you go. I cannot find any other way to show that I love you so much other than being utterly offensive and aggressive; while all the romantic things have been done by any other cheesy mainstream couple (no offense, kids). Does this note relieve you and your curiosity? xx