Catatan Akhir Tahun

Year's End. Setahun lalu rasanya saya masih posting blog macam ini di kubikal mini saya di DHL. Tahun ini..bunch to tell.

JANUARI adalah moment dimana saya enjoy banget jadi karyawan yang bisa menghasilkan uang sendiri (meskipun sedikit). Saya juga sibuk riset sana-sini tentang universitas di Britania Raya, Wales dan England tepatnya. Dua universitas di Australia ngasih saya offer dan potongan biaya kuliah, cuma saya nggak tertarik, soalnya tetap aja mahal. Sambil terus (sok) bertahan di  LSPR dan master programme-nya. Masih menaruh harapan pada thesis yang mungkin bisa saya selesaikan just in case saya nggak keterima dimanapun di Inggris.

FEBRUARI ini saya disibukkan dengan apply surat rekomendasi dari beberapa dosen bule di kampus S1, dan alhamdulillah Sue Davies memang selalu yang terbaik, suportif dan sangat membantu. Surat rekomendasinya bikin saya nangis di sebelah Adimas waktu itu yang lagi nyetir mobil saya menuju kampus S2 dari kampus B. He was such a nice guy with the "wow, you are very impressive" expression each time I tell him how much I am feeling grateful of the recommendation. Btw, saya nangis juga karena saya baru tau kalo saya harus ngulang satu mata kuliah di S2 dikarenakan saya malas mengajukan keberatan kepada dosen yang ngasih nilai jelek. Semua teman saya (yang saya bantu ujiannya) berhasil dapet nilai A, dan saya C, harus ngulang setelah bayar 3,5jt rupiah. Are you joking me? I am not paying it, ever!

MARET Rasa kesal nggak lulus satu mata kuliah itu seperti digigit semut di bagian tengah mata; you definitely couldn't do anything about it. Alih-alih, aplikasi saya ke universitas-universitas di Britania Raya terus saya persiapkan dengan surat rekomendasi dari supervisor saya di DHL, you rock uni! Dan saya bener-bener dalam masa penggantungan diri terhadap S2 saya di LSPR. Saya ngejar prep untuk ielts sambil research untuk topik disertasi saya. Great friends made me survive though, Rhea, Bian dan Adel. I missed them now! We had good times, talks and jokes. from 7/11 to Paulaner, from the basement to the rooftop, "man, I like the way you think!" lol

APRIL bulan penuh gejolak dan kebimbangan, reminder demi reminder datang dari kampus untuk segera menyelesaikan proposal thesis saya; dosen dan admin kampus. Saya panik, sambil terus cari ide dan koneksi untuk penelitian selanjutnya. Thesis adalah momok buat saya, dan saya nggak suka momok ini, karena nggak adil, masih trauma dengan satu mata kuliah yang sebenarnya saya kuasai tapi harus nggak lulus karena masalah sepele. I don't blame anyone, I just think it was unfair. And I'm a bit hurt. Saya membulatkan tekad daftar ke universitas di Inggris, no matter what.

MEI. saya diam beberapa detik di paragraf ini.

saya ngambil tes ielts untuk yang kedua kalinya. bukan karena hasil sebelumnya nggak bagus, saya cuma mau jadi lebih baik aja. Mei jadi bulan dimana saya berhenti kerja di DHL, mengakhiri kontrak saya yang sebenarnya udah ada prospek untuk jadi karyawan tetap di perusahaan multinasional itu. Apadaya, hasrat S2 saya seperti nggak mau kalah untuk merebut hati dan fokus saya. Di tambah aplikasi yang saya kirim mulai menerima respon dari beberapa nama universitas ternama di Inggris dan Wales. Saya memasuki masa pupus di karenakan thesis saya nggak berhasil tembus ke perusahaan yang akan saya teliti. Dan ini semacam pertanda....untuk saya...berhenti.

JUNI. Saya memutuskan untuk menerima offer di Leeds University setelah perdebatan dan konsultasi panjang dengan teman dan senior (thankies Icha and Arie) tentang gimana dan apa yang bisa saya achieve dari kedua kota antara Birmingham dan Leeds. Sorry but I really had to get rid of Swansea dan Cardiff yang ngasih saya potongan menggiurkan, I just skip this time, dudes. I decided to choose Leeds, dan mulai sesibukan dengan VISA (thankies juga IBEC dan Gonggom yang bantuin soal perintilan aplikasinya)

JULI is a thrilling month, saya harus maksa orang tua saya mengendapkan sejumlah besar uang untuk aplikasi VISA, dan ini bener-bener menyiksa mereka. I felt guilty yet proud though! bukan hal yang gampang untuk keluarga saya mempersiapkan statement simpanan uang di bank dalam jumlah besar, maklum, mereka hanya pedagang (please don't sense any sarcasm in this sentence). Papanya Adimas meninggal, dan pukulan juga buat saya, paling nggak sampe mantannya dimas ketauan abis stalking saya. Anyway, I kept in touch with some DHL friends and they're really nice (yeah, you know who you are, dude, you keep stalking me)

AGUSTUS. Ramadhan lagi, puasa lagi, bulan ini lagi. Saya nggak banyak travelling kecuali ke Jogja untuk lamaran Yanita, sahabat saya. Yeah, talking about engagement, I really will talk about my version of course. Sesungguhnya omongan soal jodoh itu nggak seru. saya nggak mau ngomong banyak, pokoknya nggak seru, lagi asik sama mimpi saya yang satu lagi; sekolah. Dan Agustus ini, mimpi saya menyeret saya pada kenyataan bahwa aplikasi VISA student ke Inggris bukanlah hal yang susah secara teknisnya. VISA saya jadi tepat sebelum Lebaran, Tuhan memang Besar dan Maha Kuasa.

SEPTEMBER. Bunch of new things. A short visit to Malang and Semarang was really worth it. Pamitan sama keluarga dan Nenek-nenek saya di kampung, minta doa restu dan bener kan, Lebaran terakhir sama keluarga, nggak tau tahun depan akan bisa lagi kumpul sama mereka. Saya berangkat ke Leeds tanggal 10, really really a hard goodbye it was, Babang nangis, Adimas disitu, Kipril Fanny dateng ke airport. Farewell saya nggak mengharukan, cuma kehadiran beberapa temen beneran bikin saya tersentuh dan 'dimiliki' and I will never forget them, really good friends.

OKTOBER. Perjuangan dimulai, dua minggu pertama di Leeds adalah lembaran baru buat saya. Saya mendoakan penemu Skype dan Facebook panjang umur dan diberkahi oleh Allah SWT; technology really helps, boyfriends, family and friends are all connected to me! I feel relieved listening and talking to them about my excitement. Great flatmates and classmates here. Saya nekat apply jadi school rep di kampus saya, dan keterima! harus bangga nggak ya? saya sendiri mikir ini suatu tanggunga jawab berat dan seru, ya... I got it anyway. time to go! hitung-hitung sebagai pelipur lara dan pengisi waktu karena kehampaan setelah diputusin sama Adimas. We were so good together, but then he decided to go his way, and I shall respect it.

NOVEMBER adalah bulan dimana saya adore Chairun dan Indri. They are the best supporters!! Gonggom are really someone to me! Man, I wish I could describe you guys here, including the reps and professors and lecturers in my school. YOU GUYS RULE!!! saya menikmati sekali waktu saya di Leeds, dan saya menghitung setiap detik yang saya lewatin di sini. Will never forget these moments I had here. Sekali lagi, Tuhan itu memang Besar, dan Maha Menyimpan Rahasia.

DESEMBER. again, christmas..bedanya tahun ini saya sendiri, nggak literally sendiri. Saya single but not alone. Great friends and family! So far I'm doing good. Mari berharap bersama tahun depan saya nulis catatan akhir saya dengan kerjaan baru, laptop baru dan gaya cerita baru. Saya nggak sabar nunggu apa yang akan terjadi di 2012. Dan saya yakin Tuhan punya rahasia lain yang mau di tunjukkan ke saya, supaya saya belajar, dan terus bersyukur. Adios!

it's mom

"You're not pregnant, and that's it" the nurse closed our conversation in a very warm tone with strong stress. I went out the white and tidy room with a pale face, my husband came straight to comfort me and gave me a hug. He smiled heedlessly and I held my tears until I sat my ass in our car.

"it's our anniversary, I'd like to do something different today with you, Wifey" He tried to tell me that everything is going to be okay and I could be pregnant again in no time. I know he was correct, I just felt powerless because it was our fifth anniversary and I still haven't got any chance to even feel like a pregnant woman, I kept losing my pregnancy.

"sometimes hard and heavy sports could cause miscarriage, and that is definitely why I asked you to stop working, at least for a while until you passed the maternity" my friend was trying to convince me that probably I could start to be more committed to what I am willing for. It was not a problem for me to even quit my job forever, I just cannot stand doing nothing everyday at home. I hate being jobless.

"please, quit!" I think I might start all over again, and be pregnant again without losing it. I want to be what they call sainty and grateful. I want to cuddle up my baby and teach him (or her) everything. I want to be a perfect wife and mom for at least once in my life. I don't care if I have to die giving birth to my child. I want to be a mother.

the art of feelling thankful

saya habis ngobrol sama seorang temen (saya sendiri ragu harus sebut dia 'temen' atau 'kenalan') dan berakhir dengan agak kesal, padahal seharusnya pembicaraan kami berujung sangat positif dan membangun.

pasalnya, saya mengajak dia berpikir bahwa di luar sana, tanpa sepengetahuan kita, akan selalu ada orang yang iri dan cemburu sama kita; apa yang kita punya dan apa yang kita dapat. dia ngeyel dan jarang merasa gitu, malah sebaliknya, dia merasa banyak banget orang yang lebih beruntung dari pada dia sehingga dia lebih sering iri (dan termotivasi) oleh orang-orang sejenis itu.

dua sudut pandang yang berbeda sih intinya: saya ngajak bersyukur, dia ngajak bekerja lebih giat. saya nggak menyalahkan dia atau pemahamannya tentang sukses dan kehidupan sosial, cuma saya lagi berharap nemu temen bersyukur aja. nampaknya salah rekan bicara. :D

I laugh about the things I could laugh at, mostly, I cry beneath, for things that I couldn't remember to laugh at, and the things that I tend to complicate whereas I am the complexity itself.

sing-a-loud

pulang ke Indonesia, meskipun cuma seminggu, tapi rasanya luar biasa nikmat. ngelihat lagi jalanan macet, motor membanjiri trotoar dan jalur busway, gedung-gedung tinggi nggak beraturan, polusi yang semakin parah dan pejalan kaki yang kian jorok.

di balik itu semua, saya ndengar lagi suara azan, suara mama dan suara papa. saya tidur lagi sama adik-adik saya, bercanda sama temen-temen kantor dan sebaya. saya seneng nghirup lagi udara pagi jakarta, bau angin dan hembusan nafas saat bersepeda. rasanya nikmat lagi nyium petrichor lalu merasa gerah setelah seharian jalan-jalan.

saya ngeliat lagi antrian berantakan dan birokrasi yang nggak beraturan. bantuin adik saya ngerjain tugas dan dengerin suara mama-papa marah, senangnya.

numb point

I declare myself as a numb person, a creature. I have no feelings, no pain, no happiness, no joy and no sad. I have been going through an inevitably fluctuating emotional change, I still feel nothing significant to be expressed and concerned deeply.

I throw madness at the wind, I curse the fate, I live the path, I feel nothing. I am a creature with no feeling. I am numb.

08/12/11 - another tasteless failure.

something you fake, something you deny

J: "so what if she's not a virgin anymore?"
M: "it means that she had sex with some one else or more in the past"
J: "so what? that does not make her as a bad wife, as a bad mom for your kids"
M: "it is just something not culturally me, that's not how a woman should behave in our country"
J: "you're bothered with how people see and accept culture, huh?"
M: "I am not bothered. I just don't want to share my life with the person who has different vision with me"
J: "what vision? what makes the difference a big deal for you?"
M: "you cannot live with the person who has different way of thinking from you"
J: "what if she's willing to change and follow your vision"
M: "I will not be sure after knowing what she has been through then she would change"
J:"what makes you sure you are not gonna change your vision?"
M: "I am quite sure I am not gonna change, therefore I need a partner who can keep me strong"
J: "what's the guarantee that you won't change in the next ten or fifteen years?"
M: "let's do a prenuptial agreement then, just to reassure everything"
J: "is prenuptial agreement your culture? I don't think so"
M: "it is not, but now it is common and justifiable for unsure couples and insecure people"
J: "you are planning to have something in your culture with the person that you avoid to be from different culture and still you will do a prenup agreement which is so not your culture"
M: "what's the matter with you?"
J: "what's the matter with YOU?"
M: "if you don't want her, just admit it. you don't have to accuse or judge her. don't accept her with tonnes of terms and conditions as if you're the best man in the world who deserves the best bride as well. bear with the fact that you cannot deny the modernity of people and differences aren't your mock up border to limit yourself or anyone else to be settled and feel happy"

J: "if you want me to marry her, give me one good reason that she has changed and will keep on changing into a better one when she's with me. it is hard for me to accept the girl who has different vision and culture with me, and I don't want to burden myself and her in the future if she is not committed to the serious relationship called marriage. I don't bother if she's not a virgin, but I take account on the way she thinks and sees life."

season's greetings

yes, saya barusan menekan tombol ALT + TAB untuk membuka blog ini, memposting sesuatu yang saya usahakan dalam bahasa Indonesia ya, soalnya otak saya mulai agak capek dalam memproses adaptasi linguistik yang kadang ikutan masuk ke dalam mimpi. 

saya lagi nulis 4000 kata essay dan baru dapet 3000. deadline-nya sih Januari, tapi seperti biasa, otak paranoid saya ini nggak bisa menunda kerjaan yang bisa dilakukan secepatnya (damn, I almost type 'asap' instead of 'secepatnya) (and damn, I am now typing in English!!)

jadi essay yang lagi saya kerjain ini tentang cultural imperialism dan globalisasi (sumpah saya ragu mau nulis 'imperialisme budaya' jadi tolong dimaklumi saja ya) dan saya membahas film SERIGALA TERAKHIR, film rilisan 2009 dari Upi. Saya sih nggak suka ceritanya, nggak suka setting-nya dan nggak suka alurnya, tapi saya suka aktornya. akting mereka bagus kok, dan itu aja. Saya nggak minat mendeskripsikan isi essay saya dan teori yang saya pake.

Packing menuju Jakarta hampir selesai, tinggal beli satu barang lagi untuk Mas Bagus lalu cuss pulang. okedeh, otak saya nggak sinkron nih meninggalkan tab-tab tugas di bawah ini, saya harus kerja lagi. anyway, winter is so much fun in here, bloody cold and fantastic. I love being here and I miss home at the same time. be back later!

pesan seharga enam ribu rupiah

soalnya saya nggak kuat ngetik lagi, jadi saya capture saja ya. selalu begini, selalu sedih dan haru kalo inget papa, selalu kangen papa. I'll be home dad!

#245 - did I promise anyone anything?

the only thing that I am so bad at is keeping promise. today, for the most glorious day of my life, I succeeded making people satisfy by what I have done.

"terima kasih semuanya sudah hadir di acara perhimpunan pekerja muda hari ini. saya nggak mau bertele-tele kasih sambutan yang hanya akan bikin rekan sekalian muak sama saya. saya jelas cuma mau bersyukur kepada Tuhan semesta alam yang sudah melancarkan semua urusan kita, memberikan kesehatan dan terus melindungi kita semua. saya juga nggak lupa berterima kasih kepada rekan catering yang mau capek masak untuk hidangan sedap hari ini, jangan khawatir, saya yakin sedap kok karena terlihat dari susunannya di meja prasmanan sana" I pointed out the long table with buffet set. I think it looked delicious, really, it smelled good and my eating appetite suddenly cut my speech off.

"mari semuanya, dengan ini saya resmi buka acara perhimpunan pekerja muda 2019. sukses untuk kita semua, dan sukses untuk masa yang akan datang. selamat siang" I pleased the guests to enjoy the meal and popped onto several group coherently.

been hearing they are going to support the local campaign about environment and sustainability, which I myself am so keen to it. they have also been planning to conduct and undermine local people to exaggerate the environment awareness by improving recycle flow. old issue, I know, yet I am sophisticated by the way they managed their spirit and innovation to ameliorate the better world and surrounding.

I just realised that, people against us, below us and behind us, are those who have given us so much learning inspiration. I would therefore never stop learning from them.

tell me what you think about autumn and procrastination

autumn is inevitably something that i always fall for. i have got so many assignments and things to do in this season. this year, is the reverse version of last year. i used to enjoy myself in peace, holiday and relaxation every year end. this year, is somehow fantastically different; i am busy and occupied.

no, no.. hold on. i love it. as i always love to be busy and occupied.

what matter is, this business lately sort of engage me with tonnes of new things to adapt.

the disjuncture of my current mind box is totally exhilarating. i get to see what i have never seen before, i cope myself to do things that i have been imagined of. and i come to the corner where everything seems so blurry yet awesome.

regardless how many people are going to scream their envious thoughts and inspirations, i find myself behaving as what my back brain told me to. my heart is unable to react to any sensitive thing, then this insensitivity arouse me to care more about what is written in the book and how it has discrepancies with what happens in the reality.

i no longer think that kissing is romantic, it is pathetic instead. falling in love is not beautiful, it is pitiful. i surrender my warm heart to wherever the wind of autumn would blow it. i lost every sense of feeling any emotions surreptitiously. i lost my energy to undertake the desire of looking back, and i lost my willingness to keep what i thought was worth keeping.

i think god is always right. he writes everything smoothly no matter how painful it sometimes can be. i just think i need to stand stronger and behold all the ideas i have been deferred. i just, need to see clearer view of god's elaboration in the universe, in the world of my mind and in the prescription of heart recovery. i think i need my really self to analyse and criticise what i have been thinking.

btw, why this blogger template never allow me to type any british accent without any reluctant? LOL.

lovely foggy Saturday

just another report. I found myself astounded by the fog around my flat.

it is a bright day and breezy weather. oh, how I adore autumn.

I can't wait to go home, and return back here to finish my first semester exam.

I need a distraction.

what you don't know

I am listening to dubstep, far before i stepped my feet in the UK.
I love trance, quite a long time ago since i was still in high school.
I do sports, i cannot live without moving my body, i sometimes dance.
I enjoy eating, I am always learning to cook though i never be able to.
I crave knowledge and new things,  i cannot stand knowing what i know because i do not know anything.
I plan lots of things, however you think i ended up ignoring and changing things.
I feel the pain, i smile at most of the time but it does not mean i am numb.
I write things, i say them often, and also write some, things that i cannot say.
I live to travel. staying in one place makes me itchy and useless.
I like helping people, seeing other happy is my pleasure and my remedy.
I predict, i assume as if i know what might positively happen, just to make myself better.
I make network, i make friends, i am spontaneous and envious.
I run, i always run as if time is running after me and i compete with myself.
I sigh for things that i think i must have done better, i learn a little and work  a lot.
I am addicted to being busy, anything that occupies me, i simply love it.
what you don't know?

breaking the autumn

"oops., sorry, did I hit you?" gua kaget banget ada orang di balik pintu musholla kampus. pintu dorong itu mungkin kena kaki atau badannya tadi.
"umm, no.. I'm fine" cowok itu senyum ramah dan mempersilahkan gua lewat sebelum dia masuk. Gua membatin kegantengan cowok itu, aksennya sih Inggris kental, tapi mukanya timur tengah. Tinggi, kurus dan muslim. Rambutnya berantakan, nggak keriting dan nggak disisir rapi.

"Shoot!! I am so sorry!" gua menumbuk badan tinggi dengan papan skateboard dari balik pintu perpustakaan.
"Oh, damn. Are you okay?" agaknya cowok kurus tinggi ini khawatir juga sama muka gua yang panik dan merah karena kedinginan.
"Yeah, I am sorry, I didn't know you were there with that board in front of you" gua beneran yakin kali ini papan besar itu pasti kena perutnya paling nggak.
"no, no, it hit me, but I am fine, I thought you were shocked and bounced back by the door" dia balik nanya dan panik karena gua kayak kaget banget kena pintu itu.
"I'm okay, thank you and sorry again." setelah meyakinkan kalo gua nggak apa, gua berlalu menuju kantin kampus.
"Hold on! were you the girl that I saw in the club last Friday?" dia menahan gua dan bertanya sambil berpikir sebentar
"I don't think so, I stayed at home last Friday, sorry. Do I look like someone you have met?" senyum di bibir gua kayaknya udah cukup manis untuk  nggebet cowok skater botak ini.
"Oh, right, I must have mistaken then. no probs. I'll catch you later. bye" dia pergi duluan ke dalam perpustakaan, gua cuma menggeleng dan menunggu dia diusir dari perpustakaan karena propertinya yang segede itu. Dan bener, baru lima langkah di anak tangga menuju kantin, suara itu lagi muncul.
"Excuse me, I think you left this?" dia menunjukkan kartu mahasiswa gua. Oh tololnya, gua lupa ngambil kartu itu dari mesin log-out perpustakaan tadi. Gua lompat ke depan pintu perpustakaan, mengabaikan berapa pasang mata yang melihat aneh tingkah gua turun dari anak tangga itu.
"Wow, thank you very much. I didn't even know I lost this. Thank you!" gua menyambut kartu itu dengan girang macam baru liat MU mengalahkan City dengan skor telak 5-0.
"You're welcome, Past" dia menyerahkan kartu gua dengan senyum puas bisa tau nama gua, dan tentu saja gua nggak mau kalah. "That's cheating, you don't write your name in your skate board. I can't guess" gua menggaruk kepala polos. Dia kembali dengan senyumnya itu, "You can ask"
"Yeah, next time. Thanks!" gua beranjak dan kali ini melewati dua anak tangga dalam sekali langkah. Membayangkan gimana mukanya ngeliat gua pergi tanpa tau dan terlihat mau tau namanya.


----bersambung----

misread

"She showed me her middle finger" Chad mengusap kepalanya bagian belakang, bicara dengan penuh emosi ke Louis, sahabatnya.

"That's horrible! Who's she?" Louis menggigit apel pengganti makan siangnya sambil memperhatikan garis-garis risau di wajah Chad.
"I have no idea, if I had any chance to see her again, I surely would ask her why" Chad menghembuskan nafas panjang, berharap takdir akan mempertemukannya lagi dengan wanita itu.






-the morning after-
"Hey you, yeah, we met like last week in the station. Remember me?" Chad menahan pintu supermarket selangkah sebelum seluruh tubuh mungil Silvia beranjak meninggalkan dunia Chad untuk kedua kalinya.
"No, who're you?" tentu saja Silvia hanya mengerutkan kening
"Ok, it's Chad. Nice to see you" 
"No Chad, who are you? To me?" Silvia mencoba mengingat lagi siapa Chad ini.
"Right, look, last week when we met, we talked, about this and that, until a station you're meant to go off, I was like asking your name and your number, but you showed me this" Chad mengangkat jari tengahnya sejajar leher Silvia dan Silvia menekuk lehernya ke kanan, mencoba memahami maksud pembicaraan Chad. Ia tersentak mengingat seminggu lalu di stasiun kereta saat coach yang ditumpanginya berlalu melewatinya meninggalkan potongan wajah Chad di jendela yang menunggu-nunggu nama dan nomer telponnya.


"Oh, sorry, were you the guy with the baseball hat whose foot I stepped on?"
"Yeah, yeah, you were with your red coat! Remember me?" Chad tersenyum sangat lebar merasakan memori Silvia sudah kembali di saat ia yakin sekali melihat jari tengah Silvia di balik jubah tebal berbulu malam itu.
"Oh, yes..oh no. How could you be here? I mean what happened? Um.."
"Well, I just wanted to ask, why did you give me that finger? Did you hate me?"
"No, no. I'm sorry for the misperception, I didn't mean to be rude. I was just showing this," Silvia mengangkat jari manisnya, menunjukkan cincin berlian kecil dari balik sweaternya yang menutupi hampir seluruh pergelangan tangan sampai ke jari jemari, "to let you know that... " ia berhenti memandang Chad sambil memainkan cincin itu di jari manisnya, "I am engaged, I can't give you my number. But yeah, it's Silvia. Nice to see you, Chad"

anything else that i could do to assist you? (part 3)

"thank you very much for your assistance, I really have no idea what my family would be without your advise" "oh please, this dinner is just...too luxurious to a marriage consultant like me!" "please accept my gratefulness..." "I hope your parents will be okay and they will last. They look good together anyway" "yeah, I hope so. I keen to make them happier han before, especially when me and my siblings are out of the city for most of our time" "I was so glad to be a part of their joy" "are you glad as well going out with me tonight?" :)

NHS is mattering my vein.

the only painful thing in my life is to be unable to help. i don't want to blame god for giving me such small vein hence the needle in blood centre could not suit it, i just wonder if there is any other alternative i could go through to do this. before i die, i want to donate my blood. that simple god. please, please, please let me get what i want.

anything else that I could do to assist you? (part 2)

"SURPRISE!!!!" Mr and Mrs Reiss tersentak dari televisi mereka. Sekitar delapan sampai sepuluh kawan dekat mereka yang sudah lama tidak bertemu tiba-tiba muncul membawa banyak hadiah dan satu loyang kue tart bertuliskan "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY".

Mr Reiss tersenyum lebar nyaris tertawa menyapa semua orang disitu.

"I can't even remember this day is my anniversary with Anne. Happy anniversary, honey!" Ia mengecup kening istrinya hangat lalu melanjutkan bincang dengan para tamu yang mengejutkannya. Sesekali ia mencuri pandang ke arah Anne dan tersenyum saat Anne menyadari tatapannya.

"How could you guys be here? I am totally astounded by all this. I miss you, all of you...."Mrs Reiss adalah sosok ramah yang senang bicara dan bercerita. Ia menanyakan kabar semua orang dan tetap akan berakhir dengan ceritanya sendiri, tentang apapun.

"Okay, okay. Now tell me, who is the creator of all this craziness?? You, Ed?" Mrs Reiss menyita perhatian tamu satu ruangan. Whiskey di tangannya masih segelas penuh dan senyumnya belum hilang. Tidak ada jawaban dari Ed atau siapapun di ruangan itu. Mr Reiss turut larut dalam rasa penasaran "come on, we have been friends since ages ago, tell me who? was this your idea, Luke?"

"No, actually...well, we are just going to..umm.. we just want to celebrate your happiness guys, you have been a couple since teenagers and nothing tears you apart. salute!!!" Luke menjawab keras dan mengangkat gelas champagne ke tengah kerumunan hangat. Semua orang menyambut sulangan tersebut dan kembali riuh.

"cheers!!!"

"no, no, wait.. I need to know. Come one, tell me! hahaha" tawa renyah Mrs Reiss menyela riuhnya tawa dan sambutan di ruangan tamu mereka.

"well, I don't know if we were supposed to hide this from them, guys" suara Mrs Greens menjawab dengan ragu namun tetap terdengar.

"Yeah, I agree Rose, I think we nee to tell them that they're children are the best in the universe" tiba-tiba Mr Greens menyahut istrinya, diikuti anggukan dan gumam tanda setuju dari delapan orang lainnya.

"Our children?" Mr Reiss tertegun, kehilangan senyumnya dan menatap penuh arti pada Anne.

"I don't know, sweetheart, they didn't tell me they are here" Mrs Reiss ragu mengatakan responnya terhadap tatapan Mr Reiss.

"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MOM! DAD!" teriakan itu terdengar serempak dari pintu depan dekat taman mereka,

"we know you have been going through so many hard times and tidal waves after all this time. this is our appreciation as your toughness, kindness and patience." 

"as a couple, parents, heroes and everything in this world that we have is nothing compared to your passionate love to us. please accept our nothingness today."

"flown from Miami, Manchester and Nebraska, just to be here, on your special day. happy anniversary!"

"Oh dear"

cloudy morning report

this report was made by a reckless master student. stuck in the cloudy wednesday morning with tons of works to do but no idea at all. this was supposed to be a fiction writing, so let's make it.

it happened yesterday. i was crossing the street down to my residences, just bought a box of eggs and a pack of cigarettes. i was dying of being alone in that big mansion. my parents left me, going out of town for a business trip. my girlfriend left me, going for a school project. i am the only son of the family. it was actually a shame since i've just visited my parents for like once a month, and this time they left. i was alone.

i pushed my front door half mad and dropped my eggs. thank god they were fine. i would do nothing with the eggs anyway, was just thinking to scramble them and mix them with sausage and make a sandwich. waiting for the toaster, i called my girlfriend.

"hi babe, how's it??"
"this is horrible, lots of uncooperative people!! i wanna go home, like now, baby!!"
"whoa,, what happened?"
"i was..." i heard her started crying "doing the writing for the speech, suddenly the secretary passed by and spilled her coffee in my notebook. it crashed and i cannot type anymore. then i tried to write down, and suddenly the kid of a lecturer ran by me and stepped on my fingers as i was writing in the grass. i hate it, i hate being here!"
"darling, i am so so sorry to know that. what can i do to ease you?"
"i don't know. i wanna go home, J" 

i talked to her like twenty minutes, comfort her and reassure her everything is gonna be okay. i promised to pick her up this weekend and somehow it healed. the talking healed. i mean, i wasn't the only person with the worst pain in this world. it looked like everyone really has a problem in their life, and i too. then i know by helping people in misery -although it's just in form of listening- is really helpful to ourselves.

i finished eating my failed sandwich, and again, feeling lonely alone in that big mansion. such a horrible cloudy and gloomy morning, still.

anything else that i could do to assist you?

hello! my name is Louis. I've read you guys are making an appointment to see me to talk about marriage. do you mind helping me figure out about your marriage, first of all?

umm,,well, it's a..umm..twenty eight years..

I see, it has been a long way to go. how is it? what's the problem?

we,,umm.... this is not like what you've thought..this is....

don't worry. this counseling is not just for those couples who are facing crisis. This moment is also a chance for you to improve your marriage. Feel free to tell me everything.

I don't... well.. as you know, we would like to have this marriage to..you know, kind last...without being bothered of any affair if it happens.

yeah, yeah, no worries. tell me the problem. do you fall in love with another man or woman?

no, it's not me.

well, maybe you, Mrs ...... Reiss ? anything you want to share?

me? um.. no, it's not me.

oh, dear. come on. then what do we gotta do to make everything better for you? I would be very pleased to hear any complains or concerns, maybe fears or frustration?

actually.. we came here, to ask you something.

sure! carry on!

could come to our house and see what can we work out about what's inside?

ooh, well. I thought you guys could just share and tell me what happened.

no, because we can't tell. but you can see. I mean, it's not about us.

what is it?

we are..siblings. he is my brother, and our parents are getting a divorce. you gotta help us out.

ooh.

tres bien, mon Dieu

the worst distraction saat menulis essay adalah 1) playlist itunes, 2) kabar dari pacar 3) blogger. saya nggak pengen cerita apa-apa, kebanyakan diomongin aja (sama tembok kamar mandi) dari pada ditulis di blog. saya ngomong sendiri waktu duduk di kloset, dan saya jelas berbisik sendiri di bilik shower setiap selesai mandi "we fought last night, was that a fight? that was forgivable".

saya kangen sama garis merah di bawah setiap kata yang saya ketik di microsoft word, saya kangen sama macet dan panasnya udara jakarta, saya kangen sama sumpah serapah adik saya setiap nyetir, dan saya kangen sama bentakan dan omelan orang tua saya. how blissful my life is.

dua ratus kata dalam lima belas menit itu prestasi bukan sih? ini ngomongin essay lho, bukan ngomongin postingb blog. soalnya saya lagi stuck dan masih nggak percaya saya ada di suatu kamar di lantai lima, apartemen kemahasiswaan tingkat awal jurusan komunikasi untuk titel master. rasanya kemarin baru di bully sama temen seangkatan waktu SMP, dan rasanya baru merasakan ciuman sama seorang senior di SMA yang saya taksir. sepuluh tahun yang lalu, masa dimana sekolah di inggris hanya ada di buku diary. sepuluh tahun lalu, dimana seorang guru menyarankan saya untuk menyisir rambut saya tiap mau ke sekolah. time kills, time runs.

kalo kamera netbook saya bisa ngomong, dia pasti muak banget liat muka datar saya mengetik ini, mengetik essay dan membaca buku di hadapannya. kamera saya pasti jijik liat senyum saya tiap skype sama pacar dan teman saya. kamera netbook ini juga pasti nangis liat saya kangen sama kasur saya di jakarta. duh, benda mati.

absurd.
saya lagi nggak kepengen ngapa-ngapain, dari tadi cuma nari, baca ini, baca itu, ketik sana, ketik sini, nari lagi.
absurd.
ini adalah moment yang luar biasa kalo dipake untuk nulis postingan. selain anonymous-anonymous yang baca posting saya, saya sendiri sering geli melihat postingan saya beberapa waktu ke belakang. miris ya.

tulisan itu, sebenernya untuk ditertawakan. sungguh, kalo saya sampe nangis baca suatu tulisan, itu bukan tulisan deh. semacam sihir misterius yang menggugah hati saya untuk memerintah otak supaya kelenjar air mata dan pangkal hidung terperas dan bekerja agak keras supaya saya nangis. misterius. saya nggak banyak baca fiksi belakangan ini, makanya postingan saya agak sampah. tapi saya janji (another janji) bahwa di bulan oktober ini, saya akan nulis setidaknya dua label "story". sebagai indikasi kalo otak kiri saya ini masih bekerja dengan normal (meskipun nggak baik).

ah.

the one that never sleeps

Steve Jobs died in 56.
that was the first news I've read this morning, with three slices of white bread, white milk and chocolate spread.
I've just texted my dad and told him that I saw him in my dreams. I read a message from my brother, mocking me and joking around. I looked at me and my boyfriends picture on my desk, then I burst into tears.

I know I am not a religious person, and silly if now I praise God and let you read this. One thing that burst me into tears, was that I know and I believe, there is this power, the one who never sleeps, rotating the world and seasons, keeping secret and dying the lives and living the dead. The one that guide and curse, the one that always work and never gets tired.

I am happy to have such belief, and I know when I die, I meet the one who never sleeps.

berhenti di 24

saya berhenti mengeluhkan momen dimana orang tua saya lupa hari ulang tahun saya. bukan mereka nggak sayang, tapi mereka punya caranya sendiri menunjukkan kasih sayang.
saya mulai menghargai lagi dan lagi apa yang Tuhan kasih sama saya sampe di umur ke 23 tahun ini.
Leeds, MA programme, good friends, celebrations, experience, England, love.
ah, indescribable.
saya berlanjut berjuang, memulai yang saya harus mulai, melanjutkan apa yang sudah saya jalani dan menghentikan hal-hal konyol yang nggak bermanfaat.
yes, happy birthday to me and happy friendship to those who made my age just more precious than before. in this strange island, in this new place, I'm too blessed to complain about small things.
and good friends in need are good friends indeed.

Lintang sama Reyhan

Birthday Surprise dari gang yang habis London-an di hari ulang tahun saya!!

I shall say this dinner was awesome! many new (and good) friends!

Yep! I need to stop complaining about small things. 

:)

Terima kasih Tuhan, ke-silly-an ku sepertinya harus berakhir di 24.

23-24

i am in a stranger island. lost and completely lost.
it is my 23rd birthday, and i am lost.
i had fun too much and i am lost.

sounds negative? it is not, in fact, i really had so much fun.
i got a grip, i had fun, i am lost.

i need to sleep, but i just don't want to.
i was spending my 23rd first hours with these strangers i like.
they are fantastic, respectful, kind and truthful.

they are Andrea, Lewis, Marcelo, Silvia, Galina, Nikhita and Liz.
however, i missed my old friends, drinking and talking haven't been this fun before.
i missed my family and my boyfriend.

i am turning 23 and i am lost.
i love it, dear god.

an unintended destiny.

aku mendengar panggilan terakhir dari pengeras suara bandara. langkahku semakin cepat berlari namun aku yakin akan percuma. penerbangan murahan tidak akan menungguku.
"this is the final call for Ms Sherman, Ms Sherman to be on board for flight to Mississippi"
lalu aku sadar langkahku tidak lagi bergerak kemanapun. aku diam menatap pesawatku lepas landas. hilang ke langit membawa mimpiku bersamanya. lalu aku diam, sendiri.



rasanya sulit percaya kalau pertemuanku dengan Andrea akan berakhir begitu saja dalam hitungan jam. penerbangannya mengalami gangguan dan pesawatnya jatuh. belum ada indentifikasi Andrea ditemukan.aku dan keluarganya menunggu kabar di ruang tunggu maskapai.
"I am very sorry to confirm this that we found Ms Sherman's luggages and wallets near the area..." kata-kata selanjutnya tidak lagi penting buatku. Andrea sudah pergi, namun aku seperti ingin melihat jasadnya, aku seperti ingin bertemu lagi dengannnya dan mengakui kecuranganku dalam hubungan kami.

***

aku berhasil menemukannya. di sebuah kafe, tempat kami biasa minum teh sore.
"Jack?" aku menatapnya terdiam menatapku. kami mematung beberapa detik sebelum ia akhirnya membuka mulutnya dan bertanya, "am I dreaming, Andrea?"
kami berpelukan dan ingin rasanya aku menamparnya agar ia bangun dari tidurnya. ia pasti bermimpi. kami berpelukan tanpa pedulu sekitar, hanya 12 menit pelukan yang mengharukan.
"it has been 6 months since you've gone, I haven't moved on" Jack bercerita panjang tentang kehilangannya dan keluargaku. aku pun bercerita perjuanganku tiga bulan di Belanda tanpa sepeser uangpun. 30 menit bercerita, aku harus pergi. aku ingin bertemu orang tuaku.


haru sekali melihat pertemuan ibu dan anak ini. di hadapanku, seorang putri tunggal pulang ke pangkuan orang tuanya. sang ibu menangis dan sang ayah pun. aku kurang paham bagaimana perasaanku. ini sungguh seperti mimpi. Andrea kembali setelah kami kira ia mati dalam kecelakaan pesawat.
"six months baby girl, and this is like a dream." Nyonya Sherman masih menahan isaknya sambil bicara.
keluarga ini seperti mendapat hadiah paling indah dari Tuhan, dan aku memaku pandanganku pada Andrea. rasanya kami ingin menahannya sehingga ia tak akan lagi pergi kemana-mana.

***

aku rasa ke pasar bersama mama adalah hal yang paling menyenangkan setelah 6 bulan dalam ketidakjelasan kehidupan di negeri orang. aku selalu bersyukur menari bisa menyelamatkanku dan membawaku pulang. aku bercerita panjang pada mama bagaimana aku bertahan hidup di Belanda, bersama sejumlah orang asing yang sangat baik dan mengizinkanku meraup keuntungan dari kemampuanku menari. "you are always my pride, I never stop praying for you. and you have no idea of how much I really don't wanna lose you, Andy" aku sungguh menyayangi mama. dialah inspirasiku, dialah makhluk yang tidak pernah lelah mencintai dan menunggu, mengajari dan mendampingi.



kepergian kedua ini lebih sakit dari yang pertama. kecelakaan lagi, dengan mobilnya. Andrea pergi lagi, untuk selamanya. satu minggu kemarin adalah terlalu lama untuk bermimpi, dan aku tidak mengakui kesalahanku dalam mimpiku. satu minggu kemarin adalah berkah dari Tuhan untuk kami. satu minggu kemarin Andrea baru saja lahir kembali. dan kini Andrea benar-benar pergi.
"this is the hardest part of losing, it's the second lost. to family, siblings, friends......but this time she won't come back, she's with God. that smile upon her face, is the symbol of peace, that we all belong to God, who holds the right upon our lives....." suara itu meluluhkan pertahanan air mataku. aku berharap inilah yang mimpi, kematian Andrea hanya mimpi, aku ingin bangun dan kembali ke satu minggu yang lalu, menahannya pergi dan menyetir sendiri. aku ingin bangun dari mimpi ini, bangun dan menatap Andrea lagi.

an autumn, another hope

my first autumn far from home. i missed smelling petrichor.
i missed sitting on my couch, drinking chocolate and doing nothing.

but i love the wind here, i love how the street smells.
i love how the people act and i love how this country loves me.

there's no such time i wanna go home,
all i wanted was bringing my loved ones here, to sip in the fresh air.
i want to see them see what would it be to live in a far far country.

i missed the sound of azan, and how i enjoy my nights with my god.
here, everything is just so wonderful in another way.
i love it, i love you, God.

in-focus

cerita ini saya buat setengah sadar, setelah ngobrol dengan seseorang di pergaulan sosial di teknologi ciptaan Kanada.

"excuse me, could i have a plate of salad please?"
"sure, anything else?"
"orange juice please"








"be back at you in two sec"
"thank you"

lima belas menit kemudian teman saya datang ke meja saya dan memesan kepada pelayan yang sama

"excuse me, i'd like to have a beef sandwich please"
"oh, i'm sorry, we run out of sandwiches today"
"well, coke will be fine, then"
"no problem"

sepuluh menit kemudian pelayan itu datang membawa pesanan kami.

"this restaurant is fantastic"
"no, it is not. they don't serve sandwich"
"hey, they do, they're just running out of it"
"no, it was just a tactical tempation"
"what?"
"they offer a very delicious menu to attract people, but don't really have it. by saying 'we're running out of that' will trigger everyone's thought to think that they're too late to order that so they don't get the chance to taste it"
"really? for why?"
"they wanted to be looked as popular and most wanted, hence people will come again and again and again until they taste the sandwich"
"that's ridiculous. what if i really come in the early opening hour to taste that sandwich?"
"they'll tell you to go back at lunch because it will only be served for lunch"
"and if i do too?"
"they'll say they're running out of it. as simple as that."
"wait, what if i really wait there from morning to evening until they really will serve it?"
"well, they'll make you one, the common one, not special. but anyway, don't you have anything to do that you will wait for a.... let's say... sandwich???"
"yeah, that makes sense. that's hilarious"

kami pergi dari restoran itu setelah membayar bill, dan selang setahun, kami berpacaran...jarak jauh.

the tempting fruity

i skipped so many things today; the city tour, the fruity party and the cooking sessions with indonesian friends. i am so exhausted and i don't know why. i want to sleep and i want to dream of my mom. silly i know, maybe this is homesick or homerun, or whatever it is.

my flatmates are laughing out loud in our kitchen and i am not even interested to join their beers. i am sleepy. i love UK, i love these people, i love the hype and i love everything about it.

i lost my eating appetite and surely will curse the weight scale for reducing my body mass index. funny to know that i am not drunk but i am typing like a drunken person.

i guess i'd just sign out my messengers, lock my door, turn on the heater, wear the jacket and pull up my duvet. oh i love UK.

greetings from Leodis

wow, this is the first post from the UK.
dedicated to those who have been waiting for my update (berasa artis)
tyo, nandha, adimas, maybe eka or chairun. anyone.

life's so good here.
i cried sometimes knowing my dad didnt reply my sms just because he has no heart to tell me he missed me.
i missed him too, i missed my dad. i missed my family, my bestfriends, my brothers.

bismillah.

the suitcase song

As sure as the floor 'neath my toes,
And somehow not surprised
That I was superimposed
Somehow in this life
And if my friends and my foes
Would just drop me a line
That'd be nice

You see love is a drink
That goes straight to my head
And time is a lover
And I'm caught in her stead
And the sentiment there follows me
Straight to my bed through the night

I've got my life in a suitcase
And ready to run run run away
I've got no time
'cause I'm always trying to run run run away
'cause everyday it feels like it's only a game
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase

What could be an anchor here
With a storm on the rise
When you're never meant to see so clear
When smoke gets in your eyes
And the man in the moon
Never makes his replies understood?

I've got my life in a suitcase
And ready to run run run away
I've got no time
'cause I'm always trying to run run run away
'cause everyday it feels like it's only a game
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase

For a moment I was warm and the world made sense
For a moment here this storm had no consequence

I've got my life in a suitcase
And ready to run run run away
I've got no time
'cause I'm always trying to run run run away
'cause everyday it feels like its only a game
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase

- Copeland

a note from a good friend

"dear my good friend,
soon you'll be leaving this country, this town where we used to hang out and have fun together. I may not be there instantly when you need me like before, but I want you to keep in mind that: I will always in your heart, listen to your every story.
Once you arrived there, keep this note in behind your door, so each time you're going out and in, you're reminded by a restless friend here in your hometown. Remember that nothing will and is allowed to bring you down. You're living your dream there and you have been making us proud here in home. Keep smiling and keep moving forward as you are always encouraged by. I forbid any pain and critic take you down, so be tough and make them your shield. You're the king of your mind and no one rules it but you.
If you have any complaints or just want to mock anything that bothers you, go to your YM, I'll be there. Late replies are always better than invisible or unavailable, right?
Please also remember that each time you're tired and bored, or you're tempted and disgusted about any bad stuff, me and your family are here. Don't bother thinking and doing things that will only jeopardize your dream and vision. You're strong, I know, always.
Lastly, be nice to everyone, to strangers and to good people. you have no idea which one will kill you.
I love you, dear"

the black apron

"Wah, pasti enak nih kopinya" Bagus memuji sambil memperhatikan apron hitam yang dikenakan Bea.
"Kok gitu?" Kening Bea mengerut kaget dan tersipu
"Iya, yang buat coffee master soalnya, pasti udah capcus banget mixing kopinya" Bagus tersenyum penuh makna, umpannya seperti bekerja efektif, "black apron means coffee master kan?"
"Kok tau sih? Partners ya? Starbucks mana?" Bea mencoba mencairkan groginya
"Bukan, saya customer biasa"
"Kok tau soal black apron?"
"Dari internet, dan convinced abis liat mukamu yang super pede dan charming, soo brewing"
Bea tertawa mendengar ungkapan terakhir. Ia menggeleng kecil karena malu dilihat oleh Bagus dengan tatapan aneh.

"Thank you!" Bagus menyambut minumannya setelah Bea mengumumkan jenis kopi itu
"Anytime, thank you" Bagus tidak melepaskan pandangannya dari Bea, dan seperti tidak menyerah, Bagus terus mencoba "ini cara isi customer voice gimana? Lupa deh!" Senyumnya berubah menjadi kernyitan mencurigakan.
"Kalo kamu tau itu customer voice, berarti kamu tau itu apa"
"Tau, tapi aku nggak tau cara ngisinya" Bagus tidak mencoba menutupi niat kenalannya. Bea dengan sabar menunjukkan cara mengisi lembaran kecil yang menentukan insentifnya itu. Bagus berlagak menyimak sambil sesekali membiarkan Bea menangkap curian tatapannya ke wajah Bea.

"Kalo ada yang aku bingung, boleh kan telpon kamu?"Sebelum beranjak dari toko itu, Bagus melancarkan taktik tahap akhirnya
"Kan ada nomer telpon customer service disitu. Atau buka di web aja, nggak susah kok" Bea merapikan lap di belakang counter tanpa menyadari wajah penuh harap Bagus.
"Males ah, bertele-tele pasti. Kalo sama kamu kan udah shared commong knowledge. Ngerti ga maskutku?"
"Ngerti, mau nomer telpon sini?"
"Nggak, nomer telpon kamu"
"What? Hahaha, on our second meeting, aku kasih nomerku. This is just too early" Bagas mendengarnya dengan suasana hati diplomatis dan penuh taktik. Ia mengingat nama yang tertulis di dada kiri Bea dan beranjak sambil mengangkat gelas kopinya, "second meeting, I'm not letting you go"


"Hi!!" Bea tersentak mendengar suara itu dari belakang halte tempatnya menunggu bus.
"Umm..hey" Bea mencoba mengingat wajah itu, kalau-kalau teman lama atau saudara jauh.
"Bagus!" Bea makin tersentak mendengar nama itu, terlebih setelah matanya melihat jelas wajah yang ditemuinya pagi tadi di store, "lagi nunggu bus?"
"Iya, Bea.." Mereka berjabat tangan dan saling tersenyum
"Sama, aku juga abis pulang kerja, mau nunggu bus" Bagus tersenyum menang
"Kita..pernah ketemu dimana ya?" Bea mencoba terdengar dingin dan lupa
"Tadi pagi, di store kamu. Inget nggak?"
"Ooh, iya iya, no whipped cream ya? Inget aku! Hehehe" Bea bahkan masih mengingat detail pesanan minuman Bagus.
"Yup! Pulang kemana Bea?" Bagus terdengar formal namun tetap tersenyum penuh tujuan.
"Bintaro, Bagus kemana?" Bea mengikuti alur bicara Bagus
"Bintaro juga."
"Jadi nggak perlu minta nomer telpon aku ya, kan pulangnya searah. Jadi tanya-tanya di jalan aja nanti, hehe" Bea mengunci mati langkah lanjutan Bagus.
"Iya, nggak kok. Nanti kalo udah mau pisah baru aku tanya sama kamu. Belum punya pacar kan?"

big match

Di sini, di sudut ini, aku diam menatapmu. Meneliti setiap jengkal seragam pertandinganmu hari ini.
Warna merah seragammu menyerupai hatiku, seperti rasa bangga dan silau akan kebesaran stadionmu ini.

Di sini, di sudut ini lagi, aku menyerupai dirimu, memerahkan tubuhku dan melengkapi senyumku dengan rasa senang bercampur bangga.

Di sini, di sudut ini, aku melihatmu lagi dengan tawa dan peluh yang sama. Dengan wajah dan kaki lincah yang sama yang mendampingimu bermain.

Di sini, di sudut ini, aku memperhatikanmu lagi, mengucap kata yang tidak kau dengar. Bukan telingamu tertutup, hanya saja riuh mengalahkan gumamku.

Di sini, di sudut ini, aku tersenyum menyaksikan setiap umpan dan silangan demi silangan gerakmu yang mempesona.

Di sini, di sudut ini, sekali dari 90menit aku menemukanmu memandangku dan tersenyum lucu. Aku membalas senyummu, lalu kau bermain lagi dengan duniamu.

Di sini, di sudut ini, aku...sendiri.

current addiction

I am currently addicted to prefab (prefabrication) homes.
Been loving interior and exterior designs for years, but never have the guts to study deeper. I love architecture and I love posting cool pics. :)

JkL

"Hey babe!"
"Hey darling! Do you wanna say something about this crap?" Lindsay mengangkat koran infotainment di tangan kirinya dan menunjukkan halaman pertama dimana ada foto Jack berciuman dengan gadis setengah telanjang
"Wow, that's what I've been telling you about, last night" Jack meraih lembaran menyebalkan itu dan mencoba membaca cepat isi berita yang menyertai foto itu.
"No, that's not like what you told me, baby. Tell me!" Lindsay masih mencoba bertanya dengan kepala dingin.


Jack gusar, ia baru saja sampai rumah dari latihan basket regulernya. Kepalanya sedang panas dan tidak siap bicara apapun soal foto itu. Seingatnya ia hanya diajak bersenang-senang oleh teman klub, lalu datang penari telanjang dan kontan semua kamera paparazzi di sekitar klub malam itu beraksi sesuai instingnya masing-masing.


"Well, boys night out. What do you expect from that? A priest? A coach? Referee? It was a dark celebration where drinks and girls are around. I did nothing, you should take a look deeper here" Jack memaksakan matanya memincing ke foto ciuman itu dan mengajak Lindsay melihat sudut pandangnya bahwa ciuman itu adalah curian dari sang penari.
"I see...a kiss..you guys both are kissing, not like someone is stealing from someone else. You can't fool me, Jack" Lindsay bicara sambil menatap foto itu dalam-dalam.
"Babe, come on, we were talking on the phone at that time. I told you my battery dropped and I'd be late. Remember?" Jack menjentikkan jarinya di telinga lalu mengusap kepala belakang Lindsay.
"Okay, I'm sorry. I should've trust you" mereka berpelukan
"Thank you, that means a lot within this crazy fame and popularity." Jack memeluk erat Lindsay.


"I will never let any lying prostitute destroy us" Lindsay tersenyum di pelukan Jack
"Don't let anyone step on our life and take us for their own charity" Jack meneruskan ucapan Lindsay.

one step at a time (part 2)

"for god sake I saved his ass twice, Vin! What was he thinking?" Bella sesenggukan bercerita ke Vin. Vin yang dengar cerita Bella cuma diam sesekali mengusap punggung Bella.
"I think he just need some time, give it a break"
"Vin, if I let him go, who'd do my guarding class and my written assessment? I could always rely on him about that, and now he's prosecuting me like this."
"Bella, be true. what do you expect from a person like him? he's just been too insecure dating a person like you"
"I think it is normal, I'm afraid of losing him too"
"so what do you want?"
"I don't know, I just want him around"

peluit keras berbunyi panjang. Bella dan Vin merapikan seragam dan bergegas lari ke lapangan untuk fisik mental selanjutnya.

one step at a time

"What? What if it were his girlfriend? Would you do the same?" Gua shock sekali denger Andrea ngucapin belasungkawa ke mantan cowoknya yang baru ditinggal adiknya meninggal karena kecelakaan. Andrea memang agak labil, gua udah sering ingetin untuk ga usah masuk-masuk lagi ke kehidupan laki-laki yang udah merusak hidupnya. Andrea diam, tiba-tiba Bella lewat. Gua tarik tangannya dan dia agak tersentak.

"I wanna break up with you" tanpa basa basi gua sapa dia
"What? Why?" Andrea melihat kiri-kanannya memastikan suara gua nggak terlalu keras
"You disrespect me" tiga kata simpel yang mewakili semua rasa geram gua
"Wow! What?"
"You don't have to be my girlfriend to get me help you, you know that"
"What are you talking about Rick?"
"Last week, you took my swimming kit and didn't give it back, or at least let me know you've used it"
"I thought we've talked about this"
"Yesterday, you got my safety gear and left me on the right side of the broken wing" otak gua memutar kembali simulasi terbang kemarin sore di atas barrack komando.
"I apologised for that, Rick"
"No, let's just break up. You disrespect me. You call me when you need me, you whine and you moan. The minutes after, you didn't even notice me in the backyard's training. Do I have to put a 'your boyfriend' label on my forehead each time I see you?"
"Rick, I slipped into your dorm that night, you haven't over it, though"
"Yea, you can sleep with anyone you like and act like nothing happen, but not with your boyfriend. You act like you don't even know me" gua liat keningnya berkerut agak kesal
"Rick, I'm not a PDA property. If you want me to cuddle around with you in public, you're just wrong"
"I'm not talking about that, you know what I mean, at least take a look at me when you shoot a bullet thru my head" gua mengingatkan lagi ke dia tentang pesta pengangkatan ayahnya jadi jendral di batalyon kami.
"I was hanging around with so many people and friends, what did you expect from me? Talking to you all night long and ignore the guests? Come on Rick"
"Bella, this is ridiculous. You can't always find an excuse to abandon me."
"No, Rick, you're ridiculous"
"Yeah, let's break up, let's be just friends"

Gua berpaling berbarengan dengan suara peluit dari lapangan bawah memanggil kami untuk apel siang. Gua lari dari kantin menyiapkan diri untuk pelatihan militer selanjutnya. Ujian fisik dan mental yang jauh lebih ringan daripada beban hati dan sosial dari perempuan seperti Bella.

what does?

kemarin saya ketemu dengan teman saya di taman sekolah. dia tanya kenapa saya nggak jualan donat lagi di taman itu, padahal kalo bulan puasa, omzet bisa naik gila-gilaan. saya bilang saya nggak tertarik lagi dengan donat.

"it has been part of your life since you were a kid"

"i know, i just don't see it that interesting anymore. it has no sense of art"

"what do you mean"

"this is what i called unreasonable sudden stop. i just stop liking it"

"that doesn't make sense"

"nothing in this world does"

"anyway, are you going to start a new business?"

"i'm planning to set up another food stall, i just haven't thought of what would it be"

"what about ice cream?"

"thanks, i'll put that on my list"

"i don't see you bring your pen to note down"

"no, i don't take notes literally. if it's important, i'll remember it"

"whatever. good luck. i gotta go"

"see you around"

saya liat dia pergi, lalu saya terjebak lagi dalam pikiran dan pertanyaan yang sama: kenapa seseorang bisa tiba-tiba tidak menyukai sesuatu? hormonal? kontekstual? logical? random.

lalu saya berpikir, bagaimana kalo suatu hari saya tidak lagi menganggap tidur atau makan adalah suatu yang menarik untuk dilakukan? will i stop? random.

fiksi

fiksi adalah


saat dimana seorang individu mereplika tuhan menciptakan karakter dan menuliskan garis takdirnya
saat dimana seorang manusia mencerminkan hati dan pikirannya
saat dimana seorang anak menuliskan rasa rindunya terhadap ketiadaan
saat dimana kenyataan terhenti sebentar, tergantikan oleh khayalan
saat dimana dunia tidak berbentuk bulat, hanya setengah lingkaran
saat dimana sebuah tulisan memiliki begitu banyak makna
saat dimana pembaca menikmati dengan caranya sendiri
saat dimana ada kata yang dibiarkan tak terucap
saat dimana saya bicara, apa yang saya enggan tulis
saat dimana saya menulis, apa yang saya enggan bicarakan.

me and you, and everyone we know

"BLITZ!!!"
the sound of camera flash were blinding my eyes. As I walked through the red carpet, suddenly a voice called me "Patricia, Patricia!! it's Christo, your table-mate in high-school!" I stopped and reassure that voice is really Christo. "Damn you, pencil boy! where have you been?" I saw him smiling heedlessly beyond big cameras and other journalists around him, "give me your card, I'll call you, Christ" he handed me his card and I slipped away into the award venue.



"Christo Julien" I heard him answering my call to his cell. I invited him to a lunch in the Scenario and prohibit him bringing his recorder and camera. I am so grateful to see him finally.
"So, how's journalism feed your weed habit?" I ordered salmon steak for lunch
"I see everything as bright as I have imagined. I've been trying to call out your name in every event. And surely journalism don't bring me trophy as yours" he mocked me, as always.
"I want you to listen to me, and as my friend, keep this one as our secret. will you?"
"go ahead, you know me"
"I fucked with the director, but I didn't get the role. I was so burnt" I whispered a bit
"Whoa!! you sure don't want me to write this?" he put down his steak knife right after I told him so
"Keep your voice down! Do you happen to know that our lunch has already been reported to online news, by now?" I realised paparazzi were taking our pictures from the second floor of the restaurant
"Pat, you never fucked anyone before to get a role?"
"For Christ's sake! is that really a question? the only person I've been fucked with since high school was you" I frowned and glared at him.
"Pat, don't pull out that thing again, I know you. You just haven't changed, yet" he sipped his wine, and we continued talking about the other things.



"Pat, you really have to consult with me first before seeing anyone..." Helga woke me up with a magazine smash on my head "....or any journalists!!"
"this must be Christo, huh?" I swept the make up leftover in my eyes, "how much drink we had last night?"
"and you were drunk with him??" Helga enlarged her eyes and looked deeper to me.
"us, me and you, Hel, for God's sake. What's gotten in you?" I got up and drink myself a huge glass of water.
"it was YOU who drank a lot! and now, look at what this stupid journalists has written about you!" She re-threw the magazine and I refused to even look at it.
"Fine, Princess" she started to read out the story, "Patricia Bangalores, 26, admitted she is a virgin. An award winning actress, Pat, recalled herself never gone to any wild party and ended up even hooking up with anyone....................." I laughed as she continue reading.

"asshole!" I laughed as I hear Christo picked up the phone. I always love how he makes money out from someone's life. Now, my personal life. We talked a lot that night, ended up hooking up in my secret villa near the beach. I really had no idea what he might write the next day to confirm paparazzi's flash tonight. I think I'll just wait and see what will happen the next day after that jug of coffee.

this one out

Jarang banget gue nulis kata-kata kasar, apalagi via dunia maya, terlebih via blog gue. Tulisan hampa selalu memuat cerita fiksi atau sampah-sampah harian gue. Kali ini, boleh ya spesial edisi gue meluapkan sisi jahat gue.

I just wanna say: I hate you, for your inconsistency, un-acceptability, impatience, accusation, exaggerating ego and fluctuating emotional behaviour.
I hate you.

bayar utang (part 2)

rasanya kisah Eron harus diselesaikan ya.

jadi Eron sedang menghabiskan makan siangnya sebelum kembali bergelut dengan tugas sekolah dan pelajaran yang harus ia hadapi esok di sekolahnya. setengah semester berlalu, namun Eron merasa ini belum apa-apa dibanding apa yang harus ia tebus selama setengah semester lagi.

***

Aku adalah anak bungsu dari dua bersaudara. Kakaklu Irfan, tinggal bersama Papa di rumah Papa. Aku belum mengerti kalau tiga tahun lalu, Mama mencoba merebutku dari Papa dikarenakan rasa gengsi dan sakit hati. Papa selingkuh, lalu menggugat cerai Mama. Saat itu, si Nyonya besar terpukul sekali dan marah hingga bertubi-tubi. Suami yang dicintainya meninggalkannya demi seorang wanita yang tidak jelas, seperti seolah melupakan apa yang sudah mereka melewati bersara. HIngga sore itu, Kak Irfan berkunjung ke istanaku.

***

"Kak Irfan gimana sekolahnya?"

"Baik, kamu gimana rapot tengah semesternya?"

"Nggak tau, Mama belum cerita"

"Papa masih suka dongeng buat kakak sebelum kakak tidur"

"Ohya? Mama nggak pernah, tapi Bibi selalu dongeng untuk Eron""Eron tau nggak kenapa Eron ikut Mama dan Kakak ikut Papa?"

"Karena Eron masih kecil"

"Bukan,"

"Lalu kenapa Kak?"

"Karena Mama sakit hati sama Papa. Papa selingkuh dan ninggalin Mama"

"Mama bilang Mama sayang sama aku dan Kak Irfan kok"

"Iya, sedikit. Mama cuma gengsi karena kehilangan Papa dan statusnya sebagai istri Papa"

"Eron nggak ngerti, Kak"

"Eron, di persidangan itu, seorang anak kayak Eron memang normalnya ikut sama Ibu"

"terus?"

"Kebetulan aja Mama punya kerjaan dan sanggup menafkahi Eron, makanya pengadilan memutuskan Eron ikut Mama. Padahal sebenernya Mama cuma mau bikin Papa sebel karena Papa nggak bisa bareng sama Eron. Mama gengsi""Jadi Mama nggak sayang Eron" aku lalu menunduk lesu mengingat sikap dingin Mama selama ini

"Mama sayang sama Eron, tapi kemenangan Mama di persidangan, yang menetapkan Eron ikut mama dan Kakak ikut Papa itu semata-mata karena Mama gengsi dan pengen bikin Papa sakit hati"

Aku masih menunduk, aku cuma seorang anak kecil yang merindukan keutuhan Papa dan Mama. aku tidak paham kenapa ada yang namanya perpisahan dan hak asuh terpisah. Aku belum mengerti tentang apa itu sakit hati dan perceraian. Aku hanya rindu keutuhan Mama Papa.

"Kakak juga diabaikan sama Papa, tapi itu karena Papa sibuk"

"Papa punya pacar lagi ya, Kak?"

"Nggak tau, Kakak nggak pernah tanya soal itu."

"Oh, soalnya Mama punya pacar, Kak"

"Ohya? coba cerita yang kamu tau"

"Kalo malem Mama puiang, dianter sama Om Jawa" Irfan refleks tertawa mendengarku mengidentifikasi seseorang dengan ras-nya, "terus kalo pagi, Mama suka telfonan lamaa banget sama Om Jawa"

"Namanya bukan Om Jawa, Eron, itu asalnya"

"Eron nggak tau, nggak pernah denger Mama cerita soal pacarnya, tapi mereka pacaran, Kak"

Irfan menggeleng pelan mendengar ceritaku. Ia termenung membayangkan kesepianku di sekolah dan di rumah. Mama sebenarnya perempuan baik yang gigih dan pintar. Sejak Papa selingkuh dan mereka bercerai, Mama berubah jadi perempuan dingin. Mama mengiriminya hadiah di setiap kesempatan, namun tidak pernah hadir secara fisik dan emosional. Kak Irfan mulai terbiasa dengan perhatian berupa materi dari Mama.

***

"Eron, kakak pulang ya, kamu belajar yang serius. Weekend nanti kita berenang"

"Kak, bilang sama Mama dong kalo kita ketemuannya sama Papa tiap minggu aja, jangan sebulan sekali" Irfan mendengarkan lebih seksama lagi, "abisnya kalo lagi main seru, Mama suka telpon Papa nyuruh nganter Eron pulang. Eron kan kangen sama Papa"

"Iya, nanti Kak Irfan bilang sama Mama"

"Eh, Kak, jangan bilang Eron yang minta ya, nanti Mama marah sama Eron"

"siap boss!!" Irfan membentuk sikap hormat dengan tangan di keningnya.

Setelah toast, Kak Irfan pamit pulang.

***

"Papa kan kerja, nanti malem baru pulang. Nanti malem Eron sama Mama sama Papa makan bareng juga sama Kak Irfan. Sekarang kita makan dulu baru kerjain PR ya?" Bibi membuat nada yang cukup meyakinkan aku. Aku sendiri bukan nggak inget kalo Papa dan Kak Irfan sudah nggak ada. Aku hanya mau pertanyaanku dijawab, dan aku udah nggak peduli lagi jawabannya jujur atau bohong. Aku hanya mau dilihat, didengar dan dijawab.

"Bibi, aku mau tambah sayurnya." aku ingin sehat dan kenyang di suapan terakhirku siang itu.