When you're too tired to sleep

I'm finally on this phase; too tired to fall asleep.

Living my day like it's the last with my child. Feeling the love no words can describe. And doing the best effort as if I'm the strongest in the world.

Motherhood has taken me into another level of being a human. I thought I understood how amazing my mum is. Until I'm on my own phase now, I always -always feel so lousy and not doing much enough for my baby.

This just makes me more and more vulnerable when it comes to child matters. Nothing in this world can compare to having her. I think she's even my world now.

Every single night, squeezing between my tired eyes and aching body, I pray God grant her the best protection, love, and assurance that she's going to be ok.

And squeezing between wet diapers and loud cry, I pray I have the strength to make sure she's going to be ok.

And the tiredness may never stop

Being a new mom is just so hard. I think I have managed to survive up until today because God is still kind enough to let me live. I get many helps from around but still very tired on the inside. I don't know what or why, it's just never relieved.

I thought it was the sleeping pattern, which I assume I lack of quality sleeping lately. But then the psychological adds up. I think it's a huge deal to never feel the same again once I am a mother. The only healing I have is the smile of my daughter. I heals everything, almost.

The last time I cried was with her, apologising for not being a good mom yet. And I promised her I'll keep on trying and going forward. I think she understood me well. She smiles every time I told her my concern. Such a sweet baby. Or probably such a sweet angel who keeps her attended during these 40 days.

God, grant me strength to go through another day.