lapangnya hatiku

Wahai Tuhan yang melapangkan hatiku,

Nggak paham lagi seberapa besar Dirimu yang melapangkan hati ini, menawar rasa sakitnya, & mendekap saat ia sendirian.

Yaa Syakur.

Terima kasih :)

hai

Hai masa lalu!

Terima kasih sudah menyampaikan aku di hari ini, di diriku yang saat ini. Terima kasih sudah mengantarkan kekuatan dari hantaman kerasnya kehidupan sampai di titik ini. Terima kasih sudah mau memulai walau tau akan berakhir. Terima kasih sudah menyempatkan memberi warna lebih dari sekedar hitam dan putih. Terima kasih sudah berbaik hati dan berbagi arti. Terima kasih mau melangkah walau terjal dan aral yang melelahkan. Terima kasih untuk memberi kesempatan tertawa di antara getirnya peristiwa. Terima kasih sudah mengajak susah setelah senang, dan sebaliknya. Terima kasih sudah membuka lagi harapan yang kukira sudah tertutup. Terima kasih untuk setiap genggaman hangat dan pelukan ketenangan dalam badai keseharian. Terima kasih untuk ide cemerlang yang memberi pusingku terang. Terima kasih setiap boncengan yang mengantarkan pulang. Terima kasih untuk setiap detak jantung dan nadi kesehatan. Terima kasih mau mencoba walau kadang bingung antara kiri dan kanan.

Terima kasih sudah mengucap salam dan mengakhiri dengan senyuman. Terima kasih untuk setiap marah yang mencerminkan perhatian. Terima kasih mau terus belajar walau kadang tidak wajar.

Terima kasih untuk setiap putaran roda di setiap kota yang jadi pijakan. Terima kasih untuk semua canda yang jadi hiburan. Terima kasih telah membuka mataku yang hampir padam. Terima kasih mau berlari saat berjalan saja seperti hanya angan. Terima kasih untuk setiap kesabaran dan kegigihan.

Terima kasih untuk memintaku tidak melupakan kamu. Jam 10 malam di hari Minggu.

Rencana Tuhan

Ya Allah

Aku penasaran setengah mati dengan yang Kau rencanakan.

Apakah itu sungguh jalan kebenaran?

Aku penasaran dengan ide yang kau gagalkan.

Apakah itu sungguh tidak pantas berjalan.

Aku nggak marah, Ya Allah.

Cuma penasaran aja, & menumpahkan apa yang seharusnya kutumpahkan hanya padaMu.

Aku nggak marah, Ya Allah.

Hanya menyampaikan aja beratnya tumpuan & beban yang sedang kuperjuangkan.

Aku nggak marah, Ya Allah.

Aku ridho, karena aku tau, sayangMu padaku melebihi sayangnya makhlukMu pada apapun.

Biar pelan-pelan kutelan semua rasa kasihan & penasaran. Agar besok pagi aku bisa bangun sedikit lebih ringan, dari hari pertama mengalami perpisahan.

Innalillahi wa innailaihi roji'un.

it's December. All over again.

I've been thinking to just do my day by the lunar calendar. Not because I want to feel religious, but actually I want some things to be shorter than 365 bullshit the Roman has. Well, but it all comes crashing down by the social common rule where I live that Roman rules.

And this is what I tell you:

I've just had a dream of publicly humiliated Maggie. It felt so good. So good that I wanna go back to sleep to keep on doing it. There is no sin in dreams. It's subconscious world & no one can interfere.

Bliss.

countdown to another lie

Day 6 

19 November 2020

It's getting easier each day, at the same time harder.

Because fish will always smell wherever they're hidden.

I smell something fishy, so either I have a sucker's nose, or something isn't just right.

I'm about to find out.

Each day is getting smoother for me & harder for him. Until they day it comes.

countdown to another lie

Day 5

18 November 2020

What do you think I'm waiting for? Is it worth the wait?

It was nice today, got to talk to another couple about we solve relationship issue when it comes to being honest.

I guess each couple has their own way & their closure.

Mine? Still learning which one actually suits me.

Nervous, so nervous.

When you have so much doubt in your head & your heart.

countdown to another lie

Day 4

17 November 2020

It's tiring to do things all over again.

It's tiring to always questioning the same thing.

It's very tiring to build that wall back up.

It's tiring to be doubtful about hindsight moments.

Yey I haven't stopped.

Why?

countdown to another lie

 Day 3

16 November 2020

Shit, the temptation to go through his property came again. And it hit very hard.

I was shaking but a glass of warm water helped me, I took a deep breath and went back to sleep.

I tried to think positive and I had my affirmation and mantra to get me back to sleep again.

It was horrible, the feeling is horrible.

countdown to another lie

Day 2

15 November 2020

Day 2, we had a waterfall day.

Nothing.

Other than the same guilty excitement like yesterday, today was nothing new.

Not yet the terms I gave, not yet the committment I expected.

And again I have to self-doubt & self-question if I am the bad guy, if I made a wrong decision by being soft (again).

Again, I wonder & tempted.

But let's wait, it's only been day 2.

Until the next time I got you.

countdown to another lie

Day 1 

14 November 2020

He's sweet.

I don't have to tell the details but I'm just gonna jot down what I noticed on the way today.

He stared at me when I accidentally caught him inputting his password to his phone.

He's very sweet the way I like it.

We talked politics & we agreed on few things we laughed at.

He's sweet & let's see how long it lasts.

coba perhatikan

Dear kamu

Dari lelahmu yang kemarin.. perhatikan:

Bagaimana Dia menghiburmu.

Bagaimana Dia membetulkan hatimu.

Bagaimana Dia mengangkatmu dari jatuhmu.

Bagaimana Dia melapangkan dadamu.

Bagaimana Dia memudahkan hal untukmu.

Bagaimana Dia mengganti yang hilang.

Bagaimana Dia menanam cinta.

Bagaimana Dia menjagamu dari sedih berkelanjutan.

Bagaimana Dia memperhatikanmu.

Bagaimana Dia melindungimu dari sakit.

Bagaimana Dia meluaskan nafasmu.

Bagaimana Dia menatap dan mendekap.

Bagaimana Dia berbisik dan memanggilmu.

Bagaimana Dia hadir dalam hati kecilmu.

Bagaimana Dia bertahan di pikiranmu.

Bagaimana Dia menyembuhkan lukamu.

Bagaimana Dia menawar rasa pahit malammu.

Bagaimana Dia menebus peluhmu.

Bagaimana Dia mengganti rugimu.

Bagaimana Dia mencintaimu, tidak ada yang menyamaiNya.

Dan Dialah tempatmu kembali.

aku sedang butuh

Aku.

Butuh aku yang bisa berjalan tanpa takut merasa terlalu cepat atau terlalu lambat.

Aku butuh aku yang bisa berpikir tanpa takut salah.

Aku butuh aku yang bisa merasa peka tanpa terlihat perasa.

Aku butuh aku yang sesekali menangis tanpa harus ditanya mengapa.

Aku butuh aku yang ingin marah namun tidak perlu kasar.

Aku butuh aku sendiri.

Aku butuh tidak merasa dibutuhkan oleh siapapun selain diriku sendiri.

Aku butuh tidak merasa baik saat memang tidak baik.

Aku butuh aku dan pelampiasanku kepada diriku sendiri.

it's October; the reflection for the past 9 months.

Is it just me, or October is the most tantalising month in the year 2020?

The so-called-pandemic is not over yet, and media is worsen it under the name of information transparency & government criticism. I am so sad. I've never been this sad about data & its torture, especially for the past 9 months.

I see human's life has become a statistic, & health issue is just a joke you need to wait for the news to. It's saddening & ironic how in the informed era, people are more and more misinformed and disinformed due to their lack of literacy.

I hope this year is the gap year and a replacement moment between the old generations who detest changes & developments, and the new generations who are ready for some revolution ans improvement. Am I too naïve?

I feel like humanbeings are less human now, and animal exctincts worse than how selfish humans should be.

If I could be the saviour, I will. But you know, life is tough enough the way it has been, so why bother worsen it?

berbesar hati

Sebagai seorang (mencoba untuk tidak menyebutkan zodiak disini) yang mencintai dengan sekeras hati, rasanya berkali kali aku mencoba menyerah.

Bukan lelah, cuma wegah alias malas.

Malas berbesar dan berkeras hati lagi mencinta seseorang yang tidak sepatutnya diberi hati.

Ya Tuhan,

Kuatkan aku, besarkan hatiku, lapangkan dadaku.

WHY I FALL FOR STUPID GUYS

 Okay, I have never dated anyone stupid. Or so I thought.

Apparently this is why I fall for stupid guys.

1. I find it amusing to be needed and relied on.

As the first child in the family, I am used to be treated as the responsible one, the looked up to one, the strong one and the wise one. I grew up with two younger but bigger brothers and they are very caring, don't get me wrong. They take care of me and they really love me, I can tell. What I always feel about them is I am the liaison unit of my parents to them and I need to always protect them, which leads me to: they are just two stupid kids who need a good role model.

2. I failed, many times.

In so many things, I am not a star. Let's say I am the jack of all trades, and my brothers look at me like that. My parents look at me as someone who is not persistent in one particular thing and that I am doing EVERYTHING I CAN without worrying about the QUALITY of what I'm doing. Being failures to them in quite many (not all) things make me wanting attention and acknowledgement from the outer circle (of my family). By having someone (such as a partner) who would think I am a superb individual, I get extra self-esteem to survive another day living in an environment that constantly reminds me that I am a failure.

3. I resent loneliness.

Despite the fact that solitary is something that I enjoy so much, I hate being alone and not having a company. I don't want to make too many checklist on who should I date, neither do I want to make a high standard of what kind of guy I should be with. I don't value myself that much, maybe. But mostly I think everyone has their uniqueness and I focus too much on people's goodness rather than considering the bad ones or the bad effects different people might cause me. I make friends easily with anyone, even I can say that I am a people pleaser. But not like ice cream, I can't make everyone happy no matter how cold and sweet I am.

4. I dominate most of my relationships.

When I am not in the ruling part, I tend to feel always vulnerable and I'd long for some power. Being with stupid guys give me extra room to breath as they let me dominate and they are happy about that. I have choices yet I also love to be led. Sometimes I can be so hard and impossible to handle, only patient guys can bear me. Smart guys would leave me I guess,  they'd look for some other easy girls that don't want to rule and dominate too much.

I think I'm seeking stupid guys with patience and high intelligence.

Sajak Remaja Belia

Pernahkah kamu bertanya

Mengapa dalam tahun kedua 

Sepanjang hubungan kita

Aku masih saja

Menantikan pesanmu semata

Dengan sepenuh asa

Seolah itu adalah masa

Dimana kunantikan kencan kedua?

Mungkin orang bilang cinta itu buta

Tapi bagiku itu tentang setia

Yang selalu kujaga

Buat kamu saja

Satu-satunya hal yang paling bermakna

Dalam hidupku yang hampa

Dan belakangan juga

Terlalu banyak bebannya

Sehingga akhirnya

Setiap malam aku berdoa

Agar Tuhan menjadikan kita

Menjadi sepasang cerita

Yang saling terbuka

Dalam suka atau duka

Walau ternyata

Kamu tidak bisa kupunya

Karena adat belaka.

If You Made it to My Blog Post...

You must have dong something GRAND in your life related to me. I know our world don't revolve around each other all the time, but when they do, it strikes me quite HARD and I guess it's something worth discussing.

The other day, me & my boyfriend were discussing about protecting our loved ones and preventing external pressure by not exposing too much of oue personal life (& relationship of course).

I want to disagree with this.

I think once you have decided to be committed and be in a relationship with someone, you have to accept the whole package and be ready for the consequences. Including judgement, comments, rejections, prejudice & of course sabotage.

Like it or not, some people with high profile and varying public receptions might also have positive and negative image. All you have to do is just brace yourself towards it. At the end of the day, what matters is what your partner feels.

I used to believe that in the world where everything ia over-exposed, it's nice to have some things private and kept to yourself.

However, this doesn't mean hiding things that might be beneficial for your own & your loved ones' interests & pleasure.

Keeping things private means hiding negative and perceptive messages from public misinterpretation. You just have to frame words, images & situations to make everyone content with that. At the end of the day, there will always be haters in your surroundings, but don't let them limit your expressions.

Again, what matters is what your partner feels.

So if you made it to my blog post, you are GRAND

Congratulations!

A Best Friend's Killing Line

I sent my best friend a brief voice note about my current problem with my boyfriend. It was 1:07 voice note, and he answered with a question:

"Is he ready to marry you anytime soon?"

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

"Well, not now, not anytime soon apparently"

"Then he isn't ready for you"

"What do you mean?"

"Just stop playing around and chasing and going all over again. If he really wants you, he knows what to do. If he doesn't know what to do, or he knows but he doesn't do it, it means he doesn't want you. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't want you? Again?"

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Parenting Antar Generasi

 Beberapa waktu lalu, orang tuaku sempat kesal dan berkata "punya anak tiga, kok ngga ada yang perhatian sama orang tuanya?" kepadaku mewakili adik-adikku.

Di situ aku bingung harus bereaksi apa selain akhirnya bibir ini hanya bisa minta "maaf belum bisa jadi anak baik buat papa mama"

Kalo boleh mengingat hal baik yang sudah kami lakukan, terlepas dari tidak akan imbangnya kebaikan sebanyak dan sebesar apapun itu dibanding kebaikan mereka, sepertinya kami merasa tidak berada di jalur yang salah. I mean, setiap anak pasti punya dan membuat kesalahan masing-masing, dengan karakter dan sikap mereka masing-masing, termasuk aku dan adik-adikku. Kami punya karakter berbeda tapi perasaan yang sama terhadap orang tua kami: sayang dan hormat.

Mungkin yang berbeda adalah bahasa cinta kami untuk mereka. Mereka ingin kedekatan, kontrol yang menyeluruh dan kuat terhadap setiap keputusan dan tindakan hidup kamu, mereka ingin yang terbaik. Sesimpel itu. Sesimpel apa yang mereka inginkan kami turuti, termasuk dimana kami tinggal, apa yang kami makan, bagaimana kami berpakaian, dan pilihan hidup apa yang kami buat. Semuanya sesimpel harus mengikuti yang mereka mau dan arahkan. Simpel kan? Toh mereka ingin yang terbaik untuk anak-anaknya, mana ada orang tua mau lihat anaknya susah, sedih dan menderita?

Sedangkan bahasa cinta kami adalah tiga anak yang sudah dewasa, yang bisa mengambil keputusan hidup sendiri dan siap (atau tidak siap) dengan konsekuensinya. Kami ingin pendapat dan pandangan kami didengar, kami ingin dianggap bisa bertindak dan berpikir sendiri dan dihargai atas setiap keputusan dan pilihan kami. Kami sebagai anak berterima kasihsudah dibimbing, dinafkahi, difasilitasi pendidikan, dicurahkan kasih sayang sampai hari ini, dan kami ingin diberi kesempatan membahagiakan orang tua kami dengan semua yang sudah diajarkan pada kami: pendidikan dan pergaulan. Sesimpel itu.

Perbedaan bahasa cinta kami kerap menimbulkan perselisihan, salah paham dan akhirnya saling protes atau tersinggung. Parahnya, mamaku orangnya sensitif dan ekspresif, sedangkan papaku orangnya pasif dan impulsif. Sepertinya memang terlalu banyak masalah kompleks antara mereka berdua yang akhirnya berdampak pada kami, anak-anaknya. Baik itu berupa cerita, sudut pandang korban yang terluka atas pasangannya, hingga lampiasan emosi dan hormon yang kadang ikut membuat kami kelimpungan mengangani mereka. Tanpa sadar, mereka menjadi anak kecilnya, dan kami adalah tiga orang tua yang bertanggung jawab atas kewarasan dan kebahagiaan mereka. Tanpa sadar, waktu dan usia membuat kami bertukar posisi dan beralih tekanan jadi si penanggung jawab, sedang orang tuan kami jadi korban ketidakdewasaan kami.

Dengan sadar, aku dan adik-adikku sering bertukar pikiran atau sekedar membahas betapa konyol dan menyedihkannya orang tua kami. Mungkin buatku pribadi, aku jadi belajar itulah akibat hubungan pernikahan yang tidak dibina baik, dan dengan alasan anak (atau gono gini) mereka jadi mengorbankan kebahagiaan pribadi mereka demi keutuhan keluarga. Tapi yang mungkin mereka tidak sadar, justru dengan mereka 'bertahan' dengen ego mereka, anak-anak yang jadi korbannya. Dalam arti korban adalah mental kami dan pandangan kami terhadap hidup jadi terpengaruh. Kami tidak punya teladan suami istri yang harmonis, kami tidak punya teladan orang tua yang saling kompak mendidika anak. Kami hanya punya sosok mama papa yang sama keras kepala, otoriter dan egois hanya ingin didengar. Selebihnya, kami otodidak soal hidup, berkeluarga, danbersikap dalam sosial.

Kendatipun, perasaan kami terhadap mereka sama: hormat dan sayang. Mereka pun tidak bergeming dengan perasaan original mereka: sayang dan melindungi.

Setelah kupelajari polanya, sepertinya karena mereka berasal dari keluarga yang tidak bisa mengarahkan anak dan cenderung membiarkan anak dengan pilihannya sendiri. Papaku dididik keras oleh kakek nenek dan cenderung berjuang sendiri dari kecil untuk mendapat pengakuan dan hidup layak, Ia melewati banyak hal menyakitkan semasa kecil hingga dewasanya. Ia bekerja keras dan dihina untuk bangkit dari bukan siapa-siapa menjadi segalanya. Sedangkan mamaku adalah anak kepala desa yang serba ada, semua yang dimau didapatkannya. Sekolah dan pilihan hidup adalah kebebasannya tanpa ada pengarahan atau kontrol dari orang tua, alhasil sekarang jadi mental tidak bisa hidup susah dan tidak boleh ada yang mengatur dia. Lalu kombinasi mereka? Sama sama keras kepala, berkemauan tinggi dan harus selalu diikuti. Oh, jangan lupa: gengsi yang tinggi.

Belajar dari orang tua mereka, mungkin terhadap kami, mereka tidak ingin mengulang sejarah. Mereka mau memastikan bahwa anak-anaknya harus berhasil, tidak boleh menderita (menurut standard mereka) dan tidak boleh kekurangan apapun. Sempurna. Cinta orang tua memang sempurna dan tidak ada bandingannya. Aku hanya menghela nafas jika mengingat apa yang membuat mereka segitu mengekangnya terhadap anak, lucu ya.

PR aku sekarang adalah bagaimana aku mendidik anak-anakku.

Bagaimana caranya mendampingi dan mendukung mereka tanpa membuat mereka manja.

Bagaimana caranya membebaskan dengan kontrol tepat, tanpa membuat mereka merasa dikekang dan tanpa melepaskan mereka tanpa arah.

PR.

The New Blogger by Google; You Don't Have to Always be Cynical

I spend around an hour thinking and compiling hot men with cute wives and proud of them. I learn that life can't always be pretty, but you can choose to act so. I've debated a lot with many people about why and how people post what they want to be seen on social media, surprisingly, it all ended with an agreement to disagree. Yes, that Summer-Finn-kind-of-agree-to-disagree about love, same.

I'll show you my top ten hot men who's wives are proudly pronounced and announced on the most hyped platform of this century:

1. Justin Trudeau & Sophie Trudeau

2. Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel

3. Jason Statham & Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

4. Gerard Pique & Shakira

5. John Legend & Chrissy Teigen

6. Toni Kroos & Jessica Kroos

7. Nick Jonas & Priyanka Chopra

8. Chris Hemsworth & Elsa Pataky

9. Darius Sinathrya & Donna Agnesia

10. David Beckham & Victoria Beckham

11. Your Bonus: Food for Thought

Eh, sorry I mean 11 

:)

Tentang Pertemuan Kita, Selasar Tertawa dan Ringisan Manja

Ada ratusan momen dimana yang kuminta hanya sendiri saja. Semata karena lelah menaruh harapan pada manusia & berusaha terus memahami hal yang fana. Aku ingin sendiri tanpa banyak pertimbangan & persetujuan semata.

Setiap momen itu, aku perlakukan dengan berbagai pilihan emosi (iya, aku bisa memilih emosiku) dan selalu kamu gagalkan. Ada yang bilang, aku yang lemah dengan verbal, sentuhan dan kata-kata. Ada yang bilang, aku hanya takut kesepian saja.

Andai kamu tau, aku merasakan damai dalam sepiku. Aku menangis dan tertawa saat sendiriku, jadi kurasa boleh aku tidak setuju pada anggapan itu.

Andai kamu tau, aku merasa tua namun begitu lugu. Usiaku tidak sesuai dengan emosiku dan katanya itu bukan hal yang baru. Banyak hal ambigu yang katanya validasi apapun tidak akan berlaku. 

Itu yang kurasa soal kamu, sikapmu, pilihan diksimu, & caramu menatap mataku. Itu yang kurasa soal setiap ucapan rindu, atau  saat genggamanmu erat tak sudi melepasku. Itu yang kurasa saat aku diterpa ragu apakah kamu benar cinta atau sekedar candu.

Mas, ratusan momen dimana aku pamit pergi, adalah ratusan momen untukmu menetapkan hatiku kembali. Soal hal yang saling tidak kita pahami supaya kita bisa pelajari, dan akhirnya apapun itu akan kita hadapi.

Maaf, aku masih begitu lamban atau bahkan menyebalkan. Maaf langkahmu jadi ketambahan beban, dan sering aku jadi hambatan. Maaf, aku belum bisa berpikir mapan, dan ucapan atau sikapku kadang tidak menyenangkan. Maaf jika mimpiku dan mimpimu tidak selalu berdampingan atau justru bertentangan.

Terima kasih untuk setiap keyakinan baru yang kamu tanam di hatiku, yang menutup banyak malamku sengan rasa haru sekaligus rindu untuk bertemu. Padahal amarah sering datang mengganggu setiap romansamu, tapi kamu selalu begitu; ada di situ & masih menunggu.

13 Juli

Seperti Senin dini hari pada umumnya di hidupku; perutku sakit menahan lelah. Lelah yang aku tidak tau bagaimana menggambarkannya, bahkan tidak paham persis penyebabnya.

Sepertinya aku harus berhenti mencoba membuat semua orang bahagia. Karena aku sendiri pun tidak selalu bisa merasakan bahagia.

Boleh ya? Kita melambat dan rehat sejenak?

You're in Doubt.

You are not tired or failing. You are not even falling down, you are only in doubt.
Seperti banyak emosi lainnya, kali ini emosi kamu mungkin disalahartikan oleh pikiran dan tubuhmu.
You think you are exhausted and so fragile. I tell you what, no, you are not. You are only in doubt.
Kamu cuma perlu berhenti sebentar, atau melambatkan langkahmu. Lihat sekitarmu, dengar apa yang dibisikkan padamu tapi kamu tidak mendengar.
Not because you are deaf, but you are so busy listening to the loud noise inside you. Or you are simply becoming the.noise that distracts you from yourself.
Coba dengar sekitarmu, yang bisikannya sering kamu abaikan karena kamu sibuk.
Coba lihat sebelahmu, yang menatapmu kagum penuh harap.

Look at me.
I am staring at you, silently yet supportively. I am staring at you with loads of hopes that even no words can describe how much I am so proud of you.
I watch you bear all the pain, responsibility, wisdom and dreams of not only yours but also others.
I watch you talk and think and walk at the same time, and I want to tell you that not everyone is able to do what you do. I wish saying "you do great!" is enough, but it is not. Those words don't represent what you actually are. You are beyond great, you are the bearer of the hardship in life and you still manage to hold my hands just to tell me that things are going to be alright.

Kamu dan jam dua malammu dengan logika dan sisa tenagamu. Kamu dan semua kelapangandadamu menerima berbagai keadaan dan ancaman. Kamu dan semua lelahmu yang jarang kamu sampaikan. Coba dengar sekitarmu yang menyuarakan semangatnya untukmu, atau sekedar dekapan tidak kasat mata yang mencoba membantumu berdiri.

Listen to me, listen to me singing the unsung song about how proud I am of meeting and having you around. Listen to me correcting the mistakes you think you make, but it's just actually life.  You missed out a lot of the small whispers and soft touch, therefore you think you are tired. While actually you are not, you're only in doubt.

But it's okay. You are still standing strong, unbreakable no matter how hard life hits you.
You are standing strong, holding many hearts and hands within your kindness and perseverance.
You are standing strong inspiring people you thought don't appreciate you. You are standing strong to assure those that they are not alone.

To me, you are standing strong just to take me to another level of hardship in life.
This time, we are going hand in hand and side by side, just in any storms, any weathers, anything.

Kapan Kita Cerita Tentang Tengah Bulan Juni

Kira-kira apa yang terlintas di pikiranmu saat aku sebut bulan Juni?
Musim panas? Apa kamu familiar dengan musim panas, terutama jika kamu tinggal di negara yang hanya punya dua musim? Atau mungkin Juni adalah akhir tahun ajaran di dunia pendidikan di negaramu? Mungkin. Beberapa kulihat rekan dan kerabatku mengikuti ritual wisuda di tempat mereka belajar. Menandakan mereka siap menyongsong tahap baru dalam hidup mereka; jenjang pendidikan lebih tinggi, atau ranah kehidupan baru bagi seseorang.

Kurang lebih itulah tengah bulan Juni untukku tahun ini. Aku seperti wisuda rasanya, selesai dari suatu tahapan pendidikan dan pelajaran baru dalam hidupku.

Seperti wisuda pada umumnya, hidupku mengibaratkan aku harus segera bersiap menyambut tahapan baru di depan. Biasanya sebelum wisuda, sudah umum setiap individu bersiap atau dipersiapkan. Aku? Ah, sudah beberapa tahun ke belakang aku hidup dalam ketidaksiapan, dalam hal apapun. Hasilnya? Ya selalu ada pelajaran terlepas berapapun nilainya atau rankingnya, jika ada.

Tengah bulan Juni tahun ini, aku lulus dari sebuah ujian tahapan kehidupan lagi; menjauhkan hatiku dari hal-hal yang akan menyakitinya. Aku belajar melepaskan dan melihat apa yang bertahan.

Sahabatku; anak-anakku; saudara-saudara lelakiku; orang tuaku; kewarasan mentalku.

Paling tidak mungkin selepas wisuda ini, tahapan hidupku yang baru adalah mempertahankan apa yang membuatku tetap waras, dan membiarkan yang harus terlepas, terlepas. Sebuah tahapan baru yang, lagi-lagi, tidak ada buku manualnya. Tidak ada lagi tutor yang bisa kuajak diskusi, apalagi kelas tempatku mengobservasi dan menyimak pelajaran baru. Sebuah tahapan hidup berikutnya yang, lagi-lagi, aku tidak tau bagaimana mempersiapkannya, dan aku tidak tau kemana ia akan berakhir; apakah dengan nilai atau dengan rasa.

Aku bahkan enggan memiliki ekspektasi atau mimpi. Sepertinya kali ini tahapannya hanya akan kujalani dengan setengah hati. Setengahnya lagi biar nalar yang belajar, bahwa tidak selamanya perasaan dan emosi adalah hal valid untuk diperjuangkan. Biar sekali saja dalam sekian tahun belakangan, amygdala dan seluruh bagian otakku yang lainnya bekerja. Tidak hanya memberikan stimilus berlebihan pada hati dan akhirnya mempengaruhi psikologi, tapi biar otak ini berfungsi menerjemahkan hal secara logika.

Makanya, dipake otaknya.

Parenting in the seventh day in sunny June

Let me tell you a sad story about being a single parent. Honestly, most of the times I feel happy especially knowing that my ex-husband was a dick. Parenting is different story. I have to be okay in front of my kids, including when they're talking about their father. You see being divorced might be a bit big thing, yet it might also be a fun thing. It really depends on how you see it and how you managed to survive your life after it. For me I think my divorce was a mix between those two.

Let me tell you first why it's fun for me. it's fun, because I feel free. I'm no longer responsible for someone else's happiness. Someone who does not even care about my happiness. Being single means I'm free. There's no other words than "free" that could describe what I feel and what I am right now. So if you're wondering if I've been trapped in my marriage, yes I was. So when I'm released AKA receiving the paper, I'm so relieved.

And now let me tell you the downside of it. 

Parenting, single parenting. 

I'm so glad I feel free, and that means I'm happy. For all I know, when I'm happy, my kids are happy too. In the beginning it was hard to explain to them where their father is. Along the time, I learned to manage my emotions and be able to tell them about what's going on in a very fun storytelling way. I am super glad that they are very understanding, they are brilliant and they care about my feeling. And here comes the downside: social pressure.

the social pressure of being a single parent is much harder than I thought and I imagined. I thought people would just ignore me and let me live the way I want to live my life, I was wrong. People "care" so much about me or at least they LOOK like they care while I know for a fact, they're only curious and being nosey. 

Not only that, oh, there are also some situations that require me to have a perfect picture of a family, LITERALLY and figuratively, and it hits me so hard when it comes to my kids education and environment. "Where is your father, kid?" kind of question is my ultimate guilt I put them in.

Yeah, can you see it? One day they require me to have a picture of my kid and a family picture. Ridiculous. 

Technically I can do that, I can ask my ex-husband to come over and take a picture of us but I'm not going to do that. Alternatively, I can ask my brother to come and just pose for the picture. But what fears me is the fact that one day my kids are going to look at to the picture and question what happened in this picture.

If you were me, what would you answer?

No, let me rephrase it, how do you answer and explain your divorce reason? Of course I've plenty cool and diplomatic answers to that. I can read Wikipedia, I can consult psychiatrist, I can talk to child psychologist. I can do anything to find the answer to the question, theoretically. THEORETICALLY.

But emotionally? would you suggest me to not improve my emotion when it comes to explaining what actually happened to you family & to your marriage? emotionally, what would you answer to a disappointment from a kid who doesn't have perfect parents? Emotionally, how could you answer a daughter's question about her father?

As a daughter who was raised by a perfect couple parents, I feel my childhood was the best, or at least was an ideal one, based on social construction of course. But for my kids, I have to set another standard of happy parents, and I struggle to find the references for who else is also a divorcee, let alone be a good role model.

Also, I have to explain to them that divorce is not a normal thing, and it's not something that you have to do, and it is not an ideal thing. In fact, you should try so hard to not have it.

Emotionally, how do you tell them about the idea of a divorce? How do you plant the idea of getting a divorce is not an ideal thing, yet if you're having it, it doesn't mean you're not okay? How?

It took me seven days on the sunny June to figure out how I manage my feelings, control my emotions & make my mood stable. In. Front. Of. My. Kids.

How do you look okay without faking it? How do you explain to your kids when they grow up and they finally realise you've been to faking the whole thing the whole time? 

Those questions. No matter how many things I've research, no matter how many advice I've heard. I still can't figure it out.

Mencintaimu Setengah Jam Sehari (Part. 2)

Pacarku Udarana,

Masih ingat jelas aku minta kamu jadi istriku saat acara utama kita akhirnya akan selesai dan cabang kedai baruku segera dibuka. Kamu bilang pacaran dulu, dalam hatiku tertawa, "apa sih pacaran?". Menurutku itu hanya buang waktu dan membuka aibku sebagai calon suamimu. Aku mau kita pacaran setelah menikah, karena aku yakin kamu adalah calon istri dan ibu yang baik untuk masa depanku kelak.

Iya, aku tau, kamu yang nggak yakin sama aku. Aku juga nggak yakin sama diriku sendiri. Maka hari demi hari kita lalui dengan pertengkaran tidak berarti. Apa sih maknanya perbedaan budaya dan kebiasaan kita kalau akhirnya kita harus menyesuaikan dan banyak kompromi sebagai suami-istri? Maka dengan ini, aku putuskan untuk mencintaimu setengah jam sehari.

Aku yang akan telpon kamu, setiap jam 3 sore, setiap hari. Kita cerita hari itu, setiap harinya. Kenapa? Karena setengah jam adalah waktu yang paling tepat untuk saling mengikat tanpa rasa takut kehilangan. Karena setengah jam adalah hak kita sebagai pasangan yang belum terikat tapi ingin selalu dekat. Karena setengah jam adalah jangka yang singkat tapi penuh makna.

Jadi istriku, Dara, aku cinta kamu. Aku yakin kita bisa berjuang bersama.

Pacarmu,
Airlangga.

***

Bulan kedua sejak Airlangga mengirimkan surat itu, aku menemuinya di kedai kopi cabang barunya. Ia sedang meeting dengan rekannya, dan aku menunggu dengan sabar sampai akhirnya ia duduk di depanku sambil ngomel, "kenapa datang? Kan kita sepakat untuk saling mencintai setengah jam setiap hari!"
"Aku kangen"
Airlangga diam. Dua kata yang selalu aku ucapkan di setengah jam setiap hari saat kami bertukar cerita, tapi kali ini kukatakan langsung ke depan wajahnya. Anehnya, ia hanya diam.
"Aku mau kita pacaran normal aja, bisa? Aku nggak sanggup nahan kangen ketemu. Aku nggak bisa cuma telponan setengah jam setiap hari sama pacarku. Aku kepengen jalan bareng, kepengen ngopi, kepengen bawa kamu ke Ibuku"
Airlangga masih diam.

Aku ikutan diam, berpikir keras apa yang salah dengan delapan bulan sebelumnya saat kami masih pacaran 'normal'. Aku teringat, ya kami sering ribut, beda pendapat, kami sering adu mulut dan jarang ciuman. Kurang lebih setengah jam, Airlangga akhirnya buka mulutnya.

"Dara, aku rasa hubungan kita sampai sini saja. Aku nggak bisa lanjut sama kamu. Maaf ya"
Darahku mendidih dan otakku memanas. Aku bingung, campur sedih dan marah. Apa yang salah.
"Apa yang salah, Air?"


***

Udarana,

Maaf aku harus minta putus. Aku udah bilang, kan, aku mau kamu jadi istriku. Lalu kucoba kamu dengan komitmen sederhana, setengah jam setiap hari, sambil membuktikan bahwa kita bisa. Dalam dua bulan kamu hancurkan semua keyakinanku tentang kita. Alasanmu sederhana; kamu kangen dan ingin seperti pasangan pada umumnya.

Maaf ya Dara, aku kira kamu berbeda. Ternyata kita belum bisa bersama. Semoga kamu menemukan yang terbaik di luar sana. Mungkin bukan dengan orang aneh yang banyak mau seperti aku, atau sosok filosofis yang sulit diterka.

Selalu menyesal tidak mendapatkanmu,
Airlangga.


***

Padahal Ibu sudah mengingatkan bahwa pelan itu bukan berarti sedikit. Ibu belum pernah ketemu Airlangga, tapi Ibu yakin sepertinya Airlangga anak baik dan serius padaku. Kali ini, patah hatiku bersambut omelan kecewa karena menurut Ibu aku tidak bisa mempertahankan lelaki yang baik hatinya. Aku sendiri tidak mau marah, mungkin memang aku salah. Mungkin aku yang kurang mengalah, mungkin aku yang memilih untuk mempertahankan apa yang menurutku menyenangkan.

Mungkin aku yang kurang paham, mungkin aku yang perlu banyak belajar lagi tentang hubungan. Pada akhirnya, mencintai seseorang selama setengah jam setiap hari adalah hal yang tidak masuk akal. Walau ternyata, hal yang tidak masuk akal itu meninggalkan rasa sakit di hatiku.

Aku patah hati lagi.

Mencintaimu Setengah Jam Sehari

Aku habis ribut dengan ibuku. Katanya, aku kalau mencintai orang kok nggak bisa dalam keadaan tenang. Kali ketiga putus cinta, bukan peluk kudapat dari ibu, tapi omelan. Katanya, aku harus belajar santai dalam mencintai orang.

Okay, mungkin saatnya ini menekan tombol "pelan" di hati dan otakku. Tumben, keduanya bisa akur dan berdampingan. Padahal seringnya mereka bertentangan dan saling melawan. Sini, duduk sebentar, biar aku ceritakan.

Abdul.

Dia kakak kelasku di sekolah dulu. Karena hobinya main volley, menurutku Abdul bukan kakak kelas biasa. Lewat sahabatku, aku dapat nomer HPnya dan kami mulai berkirim pesan singkat selama dua minggu hingga akhirnya dia nembak aku untuk jadi pacarnya.

Senormalnya siswa SMA yang jatuh cinta (monyet), tentu aku bahagia rasanya punya pacar pertama. Semuanya begitu cepat, aku belajar memahami hobinya, menghafalkan jadwal kelasnya, mengunjungi rumahnya saat orang tuanya tak ada, dan hal 'pacaran' lainnya.

Suatu hari dia minta putus. Aku sih nggak kaget, karena memang komunikasi kami sudah mulai berkurang banyak. Aku pun mulai dekat dengan orang lain dari lomba Saman yang baru kumenangkan dengan timku di SMA lain. Setahun pacaran, akhirnya kami sepakat putus. Aku merasa hubungan kami akhirnya begitu-begitu saja.

Sedih nggak? Sedih. Aku jadi membiasakan diri lagi tidak SMS siapapun di pagi hari. Aku menjalani hari tanpa diakhiri dengan pesan "love you" dari pacarku. Tapi sedihnya hanya tiga minggu, karena ujian akhir telah menyita waktuku.

Dimitri.

Jadi anak BEM memang keren ya; terkenal di kampus, diundang ke acara bagus, hingga dekat dengan seorang baik hati yang namanya Agus. Sahabatku, Agus, adalah ketua BEM, sekaligus orang yang pertama kali mencium bibirku. Kejadiannya nggak romantis, jangan seneng dulu! Ceritanya kami sedang mencoba suatu makanan asing di kota Salatiga. Saat sedang lahap makan, ada serangga menempel di bibirku. Kedua tanganku dan Agus penuh dengan sambal super pedas, dan saking paniknya, Agus mencium bibirku untuk mengusir serangga tersebut.

Sejak itu, kami berhenti jadi sahabat. Kami jadi awkward. Agus pindah lingkaran teman, sementara aku sibuk dengan keorganisasian. Hingga datang Dimitri, anak band yang urakan tapi menyenangkan. Entah darimana Dimitri dengar atau menduga, dia bilang Agus ternyata menyimpan rasa padaku. Aku enggan membahas hal itu, alih-alih malah kuminta Dimitri jadi pacarku.

Sekian lama menjomblo dengan Agus di sisiku, ternyata membuat Abdul kembali lagi di hidupku. Hubungan kami hangat dan menyenangkan. Label 'pacarnya Dimi' melekat erat di diriku, dan di leherku karena ada name tag untuk setiap gig yang dibintangi band-nya Dimitri dimana aku stand by di backstage dengan handuk kecil dan air minumnya.

Dua tahun pacaran, Dimitri memutuskan pindah ke luar kota begitu kami lulus bareng. Katanya ia mau melanjutkan bermusik di tempat yang lebih baik. Sementara aku hancur hatinya karena berharap Dimitri punya mimpi yang sama; lanjut S2. Aku tidak bisa mempertahankan kami, karena Dimitri ternyata ingin sendiri, sementara aku ingin berdua.

Airlangga.

Kerja sambil kuliah itu melelahkan. Tapi juga menyenangkan. Aku dapat pelarian tiga tahun sejak putus cinta dengan kehidupan yang luar biasa. Lulus dengan nilai hampir sempurna, dapat kerja di perusahaan ternama. Rasanya bahagia.

Sampai Airlangga datang, hidupku penuh dinamika. Aku dikelilingi teman-teman brilian, keluarga yang hangat, dan ya, terkadang boss menyebalkan tapi cerdasnya luar biasa. Sampai Airlangga datang dengan kekacauannya. Super kacau. Ia hobi minum, begadang & main video games di komputernya.

Sampai kami putus, aku bingung apa yang aku suka dari dirinya. Tapi tunggu ya, aku kisahkan dulu bagaimana aku jadi pacarnya.

Ia punya kedai kopi, dan sejumlah harta warisan dari orang tuanya. Dia mencari konsultan untuk mengembangkan usahanya dan dia menemukanku. Pelan-pelan sambil proyek kami jalan, ia berubah merapikan hidupnya. Pelan tapi pasti, dia menaruh banyak perhatian, harapan, dan uang padaku. Hingga suatu malam saat kontrak kerja kami hampir selesai, ia mengajakku jadi istrinya.

I know, kamu mengernyitkan dahimu kan? Aku juga, sampai cerita ini aku tuliskan, aku masih merasakan heran yang sama. Selepas kujawab dengan "kita pacaran dulu, gimana? Kalo nggak sering berantemnya dibanding bercintanya, baru kita nikah!" Lalu Airlangga sepakat.

Tau apa sedihnya? Kami tidak pernah bercinta. Setiap hari selepas proyek kerja, kami adalah pasangan yang penuh problematika. Dari budaya Jawa dan Sumatera kami yang berbeda, dari kebiasaan makan pagi yang jamnya bersebrangan, hingga ritual komunikasi yang tidak pernah sepakat. Hingga suatu hari, Airlangga meminta untuk mencintaiku setengah jam sehari.

Ibu

Ibuku bertanya, apa maksudnya mencintai setengah jam sehari? Aku jawab simpel "jadi kami baru boleh berkomunikasi setiap jam 3 sore, Bu. Menjelang Ashar, Air akan telepon aku. Menanyakan hariku, bertukar kabar dan selebihnya, kami nggak ketemu atau ngobrol"

"Tapi masih chatting kan?"

"Enggak, bu"

"Terus maksudnya gimana pacaran tapi komunikasi hanya setengah jam setiap hari?"

Airlangga mau menikahiku, dengan cara pacaran begitu. Selepas post ini, aku akan ceritakan pada kalian surat yang ditulis Airlangga dan mematahkan hatiku. Jangan kemana-mana ya.

***Bersambung***

Surat Terbuka Untuk Afi (part 2)

Dear Afi

Today is officially a crying day for me after the dream I had about you.
We met in a friend's gathering for photoshoot, you were wearing your authentic Javanese outer and wearing your nerdy glasses. I held your hand and we talked with our friends. Before I left the party, I hugged you and said I missed you, you hugged me back and told me to be happy. I asked "Fi, kayak apa sih di sana?"
"Terang le, kadang kedengeran suara ngaji samar-samar, kadang adem, tapi terang dan sendirian"
then I hugged you one more time before I woke up.

Fi, ini udah taun ke-empat sejak lo pergi. Asli, masih sama rasa nggak percaya-nya waktu pertama gue denger lo meninggal. Gue masih inget telpon Bapak dan Ibu, mereka cuma bisa nahan tangis sambil minta maaf. Sampe sekarang gue pun belum ke makamlo, maafin ya, I will very soon. Udah janjian sama Ibu kok.

What I wanted to tell you this time, was unlike the one I wrote before. This time I just wanna say, mungkin dari sekian banyak mimpi dimana kita ketemu, kali ini lo mau remind something ya? Either about death, atau ya memang kangen aja sama Bapak dan Ibu. Okay, either way, I'd just done both. Mushaf dari lo masih gue baca, dan gue langsung WA ibu dan mbak Ajeng sebangun tidur tadi. Fi, whatever the situation is, you're always in the corner of my heart. Maaf ya cuma bisa kirim doa dari sini. Terima kasih banyak memorinya yang, kayaknya dikit, apa banyak ya gue juga nggak tau hahaha, yang jelas gue merasa sangat beruntung ketemu dan punya lo di hidup ini.

Imagine now, if you were here with us, you'd rant so many shits about corona, politics, anything... you'd probably made content on IGTV, or maybe cover another song other than the one we made almost a decade ago. Whatever it is, I have strong belief you are truly amazing to be around.

Also, gue udah bilang sama Ibu tadi, about my divorce, about my plan, about my promise visiting her. Honestly I even plan to buy a house nearby her area, entah kenapa rasanya punya koneksi batin aja sama Ibu sejak pertama kali ketemu sampe sekarang. I hope you don't mind. Nggak tau apa itu yang lo coba sampaikan setiap ketemu di mimpi belakangan ini.

This morning was so tiring for me of crying over you and the memory. Mau bilang kangen rasanya cupu ya, karena entah kapan bisa ketemu lagi. Mau bilang pengen ketemu, tapi gimana caranya, cuma bisa lewat mimpi dan doa.

Afi, wherever you are, I really caress you and our memory. I really hope you're in peace now, and all our prayers here sampe ke elo dan mendamaikan lo disana. I really hope we meet again one day.

So long,
sampe ketemu di mimpi berikutnya.

It has been six week since the pandemic.

They call it Covid-19, I call it full of shit self-quarantine. Sorry it's harsh, because my life is too.
For the past six weeks we are advised to keep ourselves in distant with anyone, ANYONE basically. The idea is absurd, the whole system, the outbreak, the coverage, and the circumstances are absurd. Believe me, there is one thing that is not: my COVID19 story.

It's been six weeks that I am seeing this guy, and it's the most marvellous journey for the past 2 years for me. After the whole rollercoaster life-phase I had to go through, I met someone who, surprisingly, managed to put up with my down times at most of our interactions. He saw me broke down, he saw me angry, & he saw me in the worst version of me: being indecisive. If I were him, I would definitely runaway from our second date. Disastrous moody me. But he stayed. And I don't know how.

I know why, though, he is longing for someone to rely on. He is having another life-crisis and meeting someone who is like him but different gender is tantalising. He's fired up and challenged with everything about us; how we talk, how we think, how we see life, how we survived our last hardship in our family.

We have our challenge, and we are facing it: our gap. Age, financial, social status & mental condition. We are four years apart age-wise, I am older and more tired than him maybe. Financially, I make more money than him, let alone our family background. I am a divorcee, and he is a carefree single man. Mentally, I am seeking for remedy for my broken soul, and he is so prepared to settle down.

Are those gaps for you? I think they are for me, yet so far he always believes and convinces me that nothing is impossible if we wight for it, together. TOGETHER. That's the term I barely believe and am always so sarcastic towards. What does togetherness mean? I've had moments of togetherness and it's not always my greatest element. There are days I'd rather be alone.

Some days, I'd rather be alone and be a single fighter. Those days are the ones I feel I am strong and independent. Until socially it's wrong and risky. It's full of depiction and judgement. It's full of suspicion and protection.

Some nights, I'm so confused about life. Having no one to lean on and to ask question to is lonely and sad. Those are the nights I think I need a pillow-talk before I shut my eyes and be sure that tomorrow will be better. But then that means I am sharing my life and vulnerability to someone else, again. It's the fearful nights I end up crying or just praying for hours.

It's not always easy for me to be a divorcee with two kids. There are so many things that I need to consider and I only have my own shoulders to lean on. I only have myself to trust and manage. Whenever I want to share thoughts or just some rants, I stare at the wall, my bathroom wall and say the whole thing to it. Sad, isn't it? But that's the safest thing I could do, avoiding another harm to myself and my heart.

It's going to be a hard journey, the past six weeks has proven it. I don't see it as something easy, but I can tell maybe, only maybe, I can enjoy it. I don't know. This is usually the second where I just shrug it off and bring your name in my 1/3 night awakening. Well, I always will.

(Tuesday, 28 April 2020 - 21:37 Jakarta time)

Di Balik Frasa "Kan Ada Aku"

WELCOME TO MY BLOG.
How did you arrive here? I think it's Instagram, or perhaps the thing we talked about that night?
Yes, it's gonna be in English this time, because I don't always do things the way I said them; Indonesian title and English content. It's what's wrong with me.

Someone came to me telling random topics that I loved to talk about. I got into deep in the conversation and find this person interesting. There might be one or two times I hit it off, but this person might not notice. Or maybe they did, but they just didn't wanna get lost and focus on that. That's normal.

Our relationship went very well and we connect most of the times; any jokes, any things, any ideas and any places we always met. I think I read something about that; a chemistry. Well, I was a language student. Linguistic was my expertise, and all I know, ontologically, chemistry belongs in science class. So basically I suck bad times at chemistry. So maybe I am wrong to label it chemistry. Maybe it was just -what social people say- a fling. And as a language person, I call it..... phrase.

Oh, yeah, go ahead, Google what 'phrase' means. You'll see it's something philosophically language stuff.

Anyway.
Our relationship went okay. We agreed on the phrase "kan ada aku" whenever each of us needs a shoulder to lean on, or a pair of ears to listen, or a couple of eyes to stare at when we are in doubt. That phrase is what we hold on to, "kan ada aku".

We grew dependently. I basically call this person on daily basis for stupid things, as well as the important decisions I have to make. FYI, I called this person once just to ask him what colour should we use for bathroom tiles in my new flat. I also called this person to confirm if one of the legislative members in our government system was really gay.

This person does the same. This person once called me just to help him decide what cereal is better; frutty loops or granola. One day I received a call when the boss in the office asked them out and whether this person should say yes or decline it. It was a huge decision we both made for each other. We let it slip under the phrase of "kan ada aku".

Until one day,
"Salah satu cewek yang dulu aku pernah deketin, sekarang hamil. Dan dia minta aku tanggung jawab"
"....."
"Please aku nggak siap buat nikahin dia, karena it was a one night stand, and I honestly don't believe that it is my baby"
"....."
"Aku nggak kebayang Papa Mamaku akan hancur seperti apa kalo aku bawa kabar ini ke mereka. Aku juga masih ada kontrak dinas dengan kantor sampe taun depan. Aku bingung"
"....."
"Aku harus gimana ya?"
"Hmm..."
"Please...."

For the first time in our long term relationship, I didn't have the guts to say "kan ada aku". Inside me, I wanted to scream "well what the fuck?" This isn't a rare and new thing for me. Neither for this person. We are very familiar to this issue; stupid one night stand sex. SO STUPID.

Since that night, I think at least until the month after, we haven't heard anything from each other. It was the coldest month for me. I removed some names and some quick dial numbers, just to restrain myself from calling anyone especially this person. I stared blankly at the ceiling each night, remembering what went wrong that one of us actually had sex with someone else while we had each other. What went wrong?

It's the third month we haven't talked to each other. We don't cross path in any ways, and this person didn't even call me or check me up. The third month, I managed to not search this person's name on internet, and I guess this person managed to do the same. One night this person knocked on my flat.

"Maaf ya sempet ilang.. aku boleh masuk?"
"Yes, please"

Honestly I was numb. I didn't know how to act or what to say. I only looked down to the floor waiting for this person to drop the main purpose of coming to me on our third month away.

"Kamu marah ya?"
"Enggak sih... cuma bingung aja harus gimana dan ngomong apa. How are you?"
"You know, dia bilang itu bukan anakku. I was relieved for a while, tapi takut juga"
"Out of all the things we have shared and told each other, aku nggak kepengen denger ini dan gimana terusannya. Aku pikir kamu akan nikahin dia, makanya aku juga nggak cari atau kontak kamu"
"Kenapa?"
"Maybe because we need to stop seeing each other"
"Just because I knocked someone up?"
"Yes?"

We stayed in silent for quite some minutes. This person came to me closer and held my hand. I refused and sat back. My chin was lifted and this person stared my eyes.

"I met her on Tinder..."
I didn' t want to hear further, I shut my eyes, but the story was continued.
"We met in a bar, had some drinks and both lost it. We went to my place and it happened. I wore my protection, and was quite sure I was safe."
"I really don't want to and don't need to hear this, please. Ini bukan urusanku"
"She left immediately that night, we did not stay til the morning. We still texted the days after, tapi lalu aku bosan dan merasa, I am not that into her. There was no more sex or meeting up"
I stayed silent, closed my eyes tighter hoping I don't have mental image of this person with me.
"I was so broken that night. Tau nggak kenapa?"

I finally opened my eyes and stared back at this person, questioning the hypothetical statement and started to become angry. I remember very well the date this person mentioned and the moment he described. We had a nice dinner in our friend's new restaurant, we talked about the new car Toyota was launching and we had disagreement on how the marketing should be done in our country. It was a silly debate as usual. So now when this person said that they were "so broken" I started to stare him back and yell inside my head "because you're a dick! You're an irresponsible asshole and you just suck at handling women!" Before I could even open my mouth, he continued "karena kamu nggak mau jadi pacarku"

"What the fuck?"
My hands were locked in this person's. I couldn't resist his face and hands.
"How the fuck did you put me in this crazy loophole when you just couldn't control your stupid dick?"
"No, ini bukan salah kamu. Aku juga nggak mau drag you down to this shit. But it's true. It's one thing that leads to another, but the base cause is because I have fallen for you. And it strikes me so bad I wanted to have you. I wanted us to not be just "kan ada aku" partner. I wanted us to be a real partner for each other. I love you, and maybe that's what's wrong."
"Go!"
I stood up and ask this person to go away, I stood up and opened the door. I said I didn't want to meet this person again.
This person left.

It's me again with my indecisiveness. It's me again with unmatched things I say and I do.
It's me again breaking the phrase I made for myself. It's me again losing another person only because.....

"Eh, kita kan udah lama nih jalan bareng, pake frase kan ada aku setiap saat.."
"hmm, terus?"
"Aku ngerasa.. seneng aja setiap sama kamu, bahkan saat kamu lagi menyebalkan sekali, atau bahkan saat kita lagi saling berantem nggak jelas... aku selalu seneng jalanin itu sama kamu"
"okay... and then?"
"Would you be my official girlfriend? I don't want to lose you"
"Wait, what do you mean you don't want to lose me? Selama ini aku bukan your girlfriend and you never lose me. Why don't we keep it this way?"
"Tuh kan, selalu deh nggak fokus sama masalah intinya.. Nggak mood aku"
"Masalah intinya kamu lebay. You know I am not going anywhere"
"No, I am gonna lose you if I don't make you my girlfriend"
"That's bullshit. It's not gonna happen!"
"Apa yang not gonna happen? You becoming my girlfriend atau you are not gonna leave me?"
"Dude, seriously? What the hell is wrong with you? We were okay now and then, why are you ruining this?"
"What is wrong WITH YOU? I am asking if you want to be my girlfriend, dan kamu kemana-mana bahasannya tanpa jawab jelas pertanyaan dan permintaanku!"
"I can't believe this"
then we both left the place in anger.

Now it's me again being me; distracted & confused.
Now I am sleeping on the bed I made; I never mean what I say. And I never do what I say.
I am so stupid, lost and confused.

Sebuah Analogi

Ngejalanin dan mperjuangin cinta kita ini berat. Besar, dan berat. Ibarat kotak televisi LED 50 inchi yang masih berisi. Tapi terus, aku ketawa. Sudah lama nggak berurusan dengan cinta, karena sepertinya itu benda usang yang kurang cocok denganku. Entah karena aku terlalu tua, entah karena aku terlalu lelah.

Sore itu kamu bilang cinta. Aku bingung mau jawab apa, karena sudah lupa rasanya dan bentuknya. Sore itu kamu bilang sayang. Aku bingung, kamu siapa?
Orang bilang waktu itu relatif, kalo buatku cinta itu relatif. Relatif seberapa niat dan kuat kita menyatakan, menyadari, menjalankan, dan memperjuangkan. Kayak pejuang ya? Berjuang.

Ingat kata berjuang, aku selalu mengasosiasikan diriku dengan banyak hal: bangun pagi untuk pergi mengajar, begadang untuk menjaga anak-anakku, menembus sel penjara menemui Bapakku, atau sekedar membuka mata mendengarkan tutorial menu masakan untuk suamiku. Dulu. Itu berjuang bukan, sih? Bukan? Atau iya?

Sejak itu, buatku, berjuang adalah melakukan hal demi suatu tujuan. Tujuan yang kadang bukan hanya untuk diri sendiri, tapi juga orang lain. Walau kadang orang lain kurang paham atau bahkan tidak sadar akan perjuangan kita. Rasanya melelahkan jika sampai pada singgungan orang yang belum satu frekuensi dengan perjuangan kita. Rasanya menyakitkan saat yang kita anggap berjuang menjadi hal yang kasat mata untuk sebagian. Rasanya menjengahkan saat kita berjalan dalam kesulitan mencapai tujuan, tapi diacuhkan. Nggak enak.

Maka sore itu waktu kamu bilang cinta. Aku diam. Bukan cuma bingung, tapi takut.
Takut.
Aku takut, karena beberapa tahun ke belakang, cinta punya konsekuensi yang begitu menyedihkan. Beberapa tahun ke belakang otak dan hatiku, secara terorganisir, seperti dicuci bersih dan ditanamkan pemahaman baru yang harus aku terima. 24 jam dalam seminggu, selama lima tahun. Oleh siapa? Oleh alam, oleh diriku sendiri, oleh takdir.

Aku melewati berbagai tahapan hidup yang naik turun dan maju mundur. Aku menjadi seorang istri, seorang ibu, seorang anak, seorang kakak, seorang pekerja, seorang pengangguran, seorang janda, seorang yang baru lagi. Hal baru lagi yang tidak berhenti menerpa. Dan rasanya nggak habis-habis menguras tenaga, hati dan otakku. Lima tahun, aku berangsur membangun lagi diri yang sempat hilang. Lima tahun, aku membangun benteng tegak yang tak goyah. Sampai sore itu.

Sore itu waktu kamu bilang cinta, hidupku teranalogi benteng kokoh yang belum selesai dibangun. Benteng kokoh yang kalau kamu beri beberapa waktu lagi, akan jadi bangunan terkuat sepanjang hidupku dan anak-anakku. Benteng kokoh yang fondasinya adalah kerendahan diri, luka bertubi-tubi, amarah terpendam sendiri, dan rasa kecewa yang tidak dimengerti.

Sore itu waktu kamu bilang cinta, hatiku teranalogi adonan kue bolu yang hampir jadi. Siap dikukus menjadi makanan siap saji. Lalu gagal masuk oven karena ternyata komposisinya belum siap dipanaskan. Ternyata kandungan gizinya belum sesuai kadar MUI. Dan karena kamu datang mengisi lagi adonan yang tadinya kupikir selesai disiapkan.

Sore itu waktu kamu bilang cinta, otakku teranalogi serial aksi level Hollywood. Aku berpikir keras untuk tidak hanyut, dan aku berpikir keras untuk tidak usai sesaat. Otakku diajak berpikir lagi, lebih berat dari isian Sudoku, dan lebih panjang dari permainan monopoli. Otakku seketika berhenti juga sebagian besarnya, rasanya ia sudah lama diajak keras bekerja sehingga aku kaget dengan perasaan bahagia.

Sore itu waktu kamu bilang cinta, aku mengulang lagi pelajaran perjuangan. Aku baca lagi literatur hati dan psikologi. Aku atur nafasku lagi untuk belajar memulai. Apa ya? Aku juga kurang paham. Aku rasa betul, cinta itu membingungkan. Selain butuh perjuangan, cinta itu juga melelahkan.

Kita boleh memilih untuk berhenti berjuang, kan?

Dating A Workaholic

"He wouldn't be like that, I know him." Esther almost yelled at Becca, her best friend.
"That is non sense! You barely know him! And he knows nothing about you! So stop overreacting!"

It's not the first time they argued about this matter; Matt.
They met at a concert, that is just absurd. Esther suddenly fell in love. Becca was just furious about how dumb her best friend can be. Well, it's not the first time Becca witnessed Esther 'falls in love', but this one is certainly the weirdest because Matt is nothing like Esther's type: cool.

Matt is so warm that he could melt every girl in the world only with his 'hello'. Matt is so friendly and smart, when he talks he illustrate Wikipedia with his knowledge and credentials. Matt can be your go-to friend when you're in need of some fresh ideas or just cringe joke. Matt is a diligent guy with lots of brilliant thoughts about various things. He is the jack of all trades.

While Esther... She is the female version of Matt. Esther has everyone greets her whenever she is everywhere as if she is so famous. What amazing is, it's not only people know her, but she actually knows people too like there is no person she is not friends with. Esther is a hardworker, she never stops thinking about anything, from fashion to politics, from kitchen to transport system, from traditional dances to aliens, or anything. You can talk to Esther about anything.

One day Becca confronted Matt for being too close to Esther that she was worried Esther might not be the best person she used to be.

"Yeah sorry if it sounds like she is more occupied with me. Maybe you aren't free enough for her to talk as great as when she is with me" Matt became very sarcastic each time Becca talked to her about how disturbed Esther has been lately.

Okay, here is the thing, some work deadlines were missed. Esther NEVER misses deadlines. She hates becoming late-comer and she is not a deadliner, she cannot think under pressure. Esther is a complete workaholic and she always aims high in whatever she is passionate about. Until Matt came.

Everything has turned upside down.

Esther wakes up very late, she eats junk food, she dozed out during meeting and SHE MISSES DEADLINES many times. She almost got fired, but Becca came again to save her ass, over and over again.

They have been having the discussion of how much Esther has depleted in work and life quality. However, they always found themselves another argument, pointless arguments between best friends who are caught between jealousy and anger.

"You know what? Maybe I've been looking at the wrong place and time. Maybe Matt is the right person I've been missing. Maybe he's the one that will complete me?"
"That is absurd, you know you can't stand someone messy like him." Becca lighted a cigarette trying to sound calm
"Yeah, maybe?"
"When do you think you're gonna stop being indecisive? Esther you're almost 40 for God's sake!" Becca stared at Esther who was still typing on her laptop
"Don't start now, you sound like an old nun who talks about age and decision we make" Esther didn't bother to reply Becca's look
"You know what, I think we should just stop talking. I am so tired about you being so obsessive about Matt. It's not healthy for me to always be in this position." Becca threw her look to the edge of their office balcony. Esther finally looked up to Becca's face, lighting another cigarette after the last one just finished, and replied "Yeah, you're right."
"Hmm?" Becca sounded numb
"We should stop working together and spending too much time with each other. Now I have Matt and he is just enough. Stop backing me up on job-failure, and stop making excuses for me in front of everyone who started to think I'm less productive lately. You need to stop caring too much, because that is not what I need at the moment". A long speech from Esther that only got Becca left the office with red face, faster heartbeat and untold anger.

Could this friendship be the toxic one after all this time? Esther was at her peak moment of career, everyone loves her. She is a great team player and she is very humble.



"I guess everyone makes wrong turn sometimes. What do you think this one is any different?" Becca told Matt when he finally broke up with Esther.

Oh, because Matt fell for Becca, finally.

About that New Relationship People (and I) Doubt About

In the very slightest faith, I doubt every single fate written for me beautifully.
The last relationship has got me into the deepest worst part of me, and it slammed me so hard I thought I wouldn't be able to get back up again.

Then Raka came. In a very weird way.
At the very weird time. During the very annoying covid season.

Then Raka came to say hi.
Yes, that's him. His nerdy glasses, sleek short hair and neat jacket.
An easy scooter with two helmets always ready.
He brought a million more surprise within a week, and I didn't even have any word of where to start describing things between us.
Perhaps it's like.. finding a male version of me.
Kind, intelligent, warm, sincere, vulnerable.... tricky.
Perhaps.

We had many songs during trips, we had many laughs, we had silly arguments.
We had differences.
We is me and Eqi.

It's not different with Raka this time.
What makes it different is just the words he chooses and actions he makes.
What makes it different is the way he looks at me and how he delivers his ideas perfectly.
What makes it different is his simple English and complex Indonesian.
What makes it different is his track record of love story and self-actualisation.
What makes it different is his warmth. His presence. His idea of existence.
Well, it's different with Raka this time, then.

He asked me out, I said no.
He asked me out again, I said no.
He kept asking me out, in hours I said yes.
In hours between, I broke down, I threw phone, I yelled, I almost hit myself again.
In hours between, he held my hands despite his anger and disappointment.
In hours between, he hugged me despite his confusion and self-doubt.
In hours between, he managed to convince me that I have him around.
In hours between, he got inside my head and told me that I need to share that burden.

What burden?
Days, and sometimes nights, I wonder, what burden?
Oh, that past relationship. The ups and downs with a husband and two kids.
The back and forth feelings of disappointment and expectation.
The left and right when I had to make hard choices
The tears and loneliness of 1/3 nights above my prayer mat.
That burden? No.
It's called life, not burden.

What burden?
The unknown future. Another bet of life.
Another round of falling in love. Another round of backing off when things are not right.
Another round of getting attached and holding myself back from exposure.
Another round of self-control and time management.
Another round of heavy breaths and uncontrollable sweats.
Another round of doubting, believing, questioning, and relieving situations.

Is that the burden he means?
Is that what we are about to oversee together?
Is that what he thinks I am ready for?
Is that what we both want and need now and then?
Is that what the reality is?
Is this love?
Is this a rebound love?
Is this a long lasting one?

Let's find out.