Don't tell me what to feel.

I'm at the airport right now, typing this post after having a heart-to-heart convo with my dad. We were talking about people around us in general.

1. Our relatives. We called her the drama queen. She makes scenes for every single thing in her life. Every story she tells people, must be told in a dramatic voice and people are sometimes convinced, sometimes are annoyed, and we -me and dad are laughing behind. She's not that ultra smart, but she's just.. You know.. Drama queen.

2. The Used-to-be-famous lawyer. We barely know this person. Well I do. My father just happened to know him thru the media years ago. This person is smart, he's charismatic and what I recently learnt, he's just tactical in living life. I put so much respect on him as much as how we -meand dad pity his skill and choice of rising his family.

3. President of Indonesia candidates. Well, none of them grab our attention. I am not a big fan of political party, and I think my dad has his own story and trauma in political involvement. So we -me and dad decided to just "oh no one's gonna vote for him" to every candidate that we named. Okay, in short, we're mocking them. Haha.

4. My brother. This one was a bit tough, because my brother acts differenty when he's with me and when he's with dad. They -brother and dad don't have that close bond like I do to both of them. Anyway, we were talking of how progressed he has been in school and work. We appreciate his high spirit of achieving what he could in both fields. We' -me and dad are just so proud of him in our different ways.

5. Helicopter. This one's total bullcrap me and my dad always talk about. It's of course so much easier when we have our own chopper. But then... Yeah, tell me the cost and maintenance and technical operation and else. See? Bullcrap. But the point is, I really love talking to my dad. He can be ANYTHING that I want (but a boyfriend of course) and he teaches me about many things in a very fun and comforting way. I love talking to my dad and I can't say it enough.

My flight's not until one more hour, and I so look forward to kiss my boyfriend a good night. No matter how sick this relationship has been, there's always a little part in my heart that holds the faith. I'll go.

Mid-year thought.

This life path, sometimes makes me wonder of what God has written. I imagine going back to seven months ago, if i decided something else for my life instead of what I'm doing right now. Will I be some place else better? Will I suffer more than how I do now?

People that I meet. They're beyond any expectation and imagination. Will I have what I have now if I changed my mind back then a couple of months ago. Will more people please me? Will I be any useful to them? Will they appreciate me the way I deserve to be? Will I be able to treat them right?

There are things I haven't done because I postponed several life objectives. And because of one indecisive reason, will those things come as good as if I delayed? Will those things get worse all along?

I've been questioning myself if there's something wrong with me or the way I think or the way I decide the decision. I've been distrusting myself pathetically that I need someone else to convince me that I am okay and everything is going o be alright. Desperately need an escape, and the only place that I thought I could release all the doubt, slowly blurred. That place slowly kills me inside.

I often wonder what's welcoming me next in this life path. Those who hurt me, those that disappoint me, as they are becoming the part of my life path, I wonder if they are who and what they are. What is real? What is trustworthy? What is worth?

Ramadhan Kareem

This year, I'm doing it different. Setelah dua taun puasa jauh dari rumah, taun ini balik lagi ke suasana meja makan keluarga, makanan masakan mama, suara petasan deket mushola, dan berbagai jadwal buka bersama.

Bedanya, taun ini gue ikut Muhammadiyah. Yes, start earlyand gonna   finish early too! Bismillah aja ya.

Ramadhan kareem.

There's no month within a year thar relieves me as much as Ramadhan. There's nothing that I awaited impatiently like Ramadhan.

And there's no deed as pleasing as executing good will in Ramadhan.

Ramadhan kareem.

To Whom It May Concern

Selamat tanggal tujuh. Tujuh bulan jadi pacar kamu, rasanya... Kayak nano nano; manis asam asin, rame. Hehehe.

Aku rajin banget buka-buka lagi catetan kita waktu awal jadian. And I happen to realise how amazing you have been and always are to me.

Kangen.

Rasanya sok jago banget ya decided untuk LDR di taun pertama pacaran, dan silly aja kita sempet snob dan pede bahwa kita akan baik-baik aja.

Well.

Aku nggak tau pasti berapa lama lagi kita bakal ketemu, yang jelas, selama tujuh bulan jadi pacar kamu, aku ngerasa self-satisfying bisa nyayangin kamu secara sederhana di antara rumitnya problematika kita. Aku seneng dapet kesempatan ngerasain ..... semua yang aku rasain.

I'm sorry i haven't been a very nice girlfriend and I complain a lot about anything. I'm sorry I haven't succeeded to make you feel happy. Trust me, i've been trying.

Thank you for keeping up and sticking to me, and to give us a chance to work out. I love you, selamat tanggal tujuh, kesayangan aku.