Why Don't We Go Back in Time and Ask What's Wrong?

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

"So this is very very rare. I got this from my mother's closet and I don't think she would like it if she found out I sort of stole this" I whispered to Emily, she looked amused and astounded at the same time.
"Wow! Is that really...." I nodded and she observed the object deeper and longer than she usually stared at my eyes, "do you think we really have to.... you know... sometimes I want to just let it go"
"No, Em, I know you don't. I know there are things you want to clear up too. I know that, for instance, night when I didn't come to your place when you said you got an accident, you're wondering why..." I was about to go on with more things I have left her stranded.

She started to cry.

I startled seeing her tears came out so much so quick.

"Umh, okay if you don't want to.. I'd just return this to my mother's....."

After all this time, it's still her happiness that I worry about the most. I confused myself too often about how miraculous her presence is that many other things in my life are less valuable to be taken account into.

On second thought, maybe I'm gonna travel back by myself. Without her knowing it, of course. But then... it's her whom I want to reveal the fact to. She has more questions than I do. She deserves more chances to be explained to about the things that has happened.

"It's okay Tom, honestly when I missed you so much, I really want to travel back in time. I really do. But it hasn't been like that lately. I don't miss you that much nowadays. I mean you're always around. I am quite content with how you have been around these days."

Am I supposed to be hurt when she finished that line? It means I have to be gone for her to miss me, doesn't' it? Is it a good thing she doesn't miss me because I am always with her? Lately?

"I am sorry, sometimes I hate to know how much you love me."

Why am I not bothered when she said that? What is wrong with me?

"No, Em, it's okay. I know I love you too much. I just wonder why it doesn't hurt me to know that you don't love me" I put back the object into my pocket and she rubbed my back very softly.
"I love you Tom. You just don't know. And yes, maybe you need to travel back to look into more details of how much I loved you in the past"

I turned around and say goodbye without looking at her. I think yes, I need to travel back and change her mind.

Setiap Malam Angkasa

Saturday, 21 October 2017

"Yah, coba ceritakan lagi, seperti apa wajah anak kita?" Sekar berkata lembut setelah aku meletakkan Angkasa di tempat tidurnya di sebelah ranjang kami. Sambil menahan isakan tangis, aku menjawab, "oh, sebentar ya, aku ambil dulu anaknya biar kamu gendong sambil aku cerita" sambil beranjak ke arah pintu kamar dan meneteskan air dari mataku tanpa suara.

Ingatanku kembali ke dini hari saat Angkasa hendak keluar dari tempat bersemayamnya di rahim istriku. Dokter sudah mengingatkanku berbagai resikonya jika Sekar tetap melahirkan dengan proses normal. Aku sendiri ragu, dan sempat berpikir mau menerima pinjaman uang Pamanku untuk operasi caesar. Namun Sekar meyakinkanku lagi, bahwasanya jika Bumi bisa lahir dengan normal dan sempurna, maka adiknya pun pasti bisa. Dengan bekal keyakinan berpasangan, akhirnya Angkasa lahir pukul 7 pagi, dan meninggalkan tangisannya mengiringi terpejamnya mata ibunya.

Selama beberapa jam Sekar tidak sadarkan diri, dan saat ia buka lagi matanya, hanya tiga kata yang terdengar olehku, yang dengan lirih dia keluhkan "Sayang kok gelap?" Hatiku bercampur aduk. Kalimat berikutnya adalah racauan, amarah, rasa rindu pada anak keduanya, hingga dalam 24 jam akhirnya ia baru menerima dan paham bahwa ia kehilangan penglihatannya. Tiga hari di rumah sakit, setelah semua administrasi dan kondisi yang dinyatakan aman untuk pulang bagi Sekar dan Angkasa, kami kembali ke rumah.

Sekar memeluk Bumi erat, meminta maaf karena meninggalkannya beberapa hari, dan menceritakan tentang Angkasa, adik perempuannya yang mungil dan cantik. Bumi begitu bersemangat mendengar dan melihat Angkasa, hingga akhirnya ia tersadar "Ibu, lihat deh ini hasil prakarya dari kulit jeruk yang diajarkan di sekolah. Bagus kan?" Sekar meneteskan air mata tanpa mengubah arah pandang matanya yang memang kosong. Bumi lalu menunduk dan meminta maaf, "maaf Ibu.." ia sendiri seperti patah hati setiap mengingat ibunya tidak bisa melihat. Aku pun berkali lipat patah hatinya.

Angkasa sekarang sudah 6 bulan. Tangisannya tiap malam sudah berkurang jauh, seolah tau bahwa ibunya punya keterbatasan melayani manjanya bayi. Dan Angkasa seperti paham bahwa Ayahnya butuh istirahat juga.

"Sayang" kataku sambil meletakkan kepala Angkasa di lengan kirinya. Kepalanya mendekat menyambut tangannya yang mengankat wajah Angkasa untuk diciumnya. "matanya besar, alisnya tebal seperti alismu. Hidungnya...." aku berhenti sejenak sambil menarik tangannya menyentuh hidung Andkasa. Ruas telunjuknya aku selusuri ke atas hingga bawa hidung Angkasa "hidungnya persis Bumi waktu bayi dulu" aku berhasil menguasai air mataku sambil meneruskan "kamu tau? dia punya tanda lahir juga di leher belakangnya, seperti aku". Aku membiarkan Sekar mengelus kaki Angkasa. Dia tersenyum.

"Untung aku cuma kehilangan penglihatan ya Yah.."
"Hmm?" pikiran Jawa-nya yang hobby bersyukur dan ber-untung itu kadang membuatku geli
"Coba kalo aku kehilangan senyumku... kasian Angkasa ngga bisa liat ibunya yang manis ini" ia menjawab sambil menunjuk lesung pipitnya sendiri. Tawaku mau meledak namun kutahan.
"Ya, untung juga kamu nggak jadi bisu.. Jadi dia tau bahwa ibunya suka melucu" Aku mencium kening istriku penuh sayang dan hormat.

Setelah ibuku, Sekar adalah perempuan terkuat dan terhebat yang pernah kutemui. Setiap tangisnya membuat dia semakin kuat dan setiap tawanya membuat dia semakin cantik. Aku lupa kapan terakhir dia mengeluh. Aku hanya ingat saat Angkasa dan Bumi sama-sama batuk bulan lalu, dan kami berdua harus begadang 3 malam demi menjaga mereka. Aku yang penuh desah desuh kelelahan hanya dibalas dengannya "sabar Ayah, masih untung hanya 2 yang batuk. Kalo aku ikut batuk, siapa yang gendong aku ya?" sementara aku tau dia jauh lebih lelah dari aku. Kelakarnya menutupi semua kesedihan dan kelelahannya, dan hanya aku yang tau itu.

Sungguh, nikmat Tuhan yang mana yang bisa aku ingkari.

All Over Again. (part 4)

Sunday, 1 October 2017

"Good morning baby! You're ready?" this morning I was being let go of driving Nash to school. Nash will have his Dad all day, and I was set free to do shopping, and I guess another meeting with Dusk.


"So, I see that you're so persistent about us. I'm just going to tell you now. I am pregnant." I finally got the moment after the laugh we shared over our colleagues in the office. He was, I think, between shocked, wandered, and waiting for me to say the "I'm joking" part. I didn't meet his expectation.
"What? How? I mean, again?"
"This is not yours, so sorry. So I guess this is it. I'm really sorry"

Dusk has never ever been that torn since our first break up. The comeback healed him and now I break him again. I think this time is the worst. He didn't say anything. After finishing his coffee, he just left, without even looking at me at all. I was broken too, I don't know how but I was broken too.

I went home feeling disastrous and the only thing that was relieving is Nash smile, and Sand's warm hug when I told him the good news. We were crying happily and Nash came out from his room hugging us too. It was the longest hug I have ever remembered having with them. Now I feel guilty too.


***

It's been a year now I think since the last time I saw Dusk. He moved immediately a few days after I told him that evening. Part of me felt relieved I didn't have to see him for some time. Part of me missed him. Honestly I have dreamt of him a couple of times lately, and this time I chose to think that he missed me instead of admitting that I missed him.

Sand was so much sweeter and more caring about me, Nash, and our baby girl. It's just that sad thing that I cannot hide. The sad thing of being blind.

Again, I'm trying to be positive and happy. Being blind means I don't have to deal with seeing horrible things, I don't have to see Dusk, literally see him.

Yes, I think it's good.

From: Unknown, To: Reality

Saturday, 2 September 2017



Hanya Soal Waktu🎊

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat rumahmu akan sebersih dan serapih rumah2 dalam majalah2 yang sering kau irikan itu
Maka... nikmatilah setiap detik letihmu yang harus berpuluh kali membereskan kekacauan yang mereka buat

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat mereka tak mau lagi kau gandeng, peluk atau sekedar kau cium rambutnya
Maka... berbahagialah ketika mereka selalu membuntutimu kemanapun kakimu melangkah, meski kadang hal itu mengesalkanmu,
bagi mereka tak ada selainmu

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat kau tak lagi jadi si serba tahu dan tempat mengadu
Maka... bersabarlah dengan rentetan pertanyaan juga celoteh riang dari mulut mungil mereka yang kadang membuat dahimu mengernyit atau keasyikanmu terhenti

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat mereka mulai meminta kamarnya masing2 dan melarangmu mengutak atik segala rupa apa yang di dalamnya
Maka... tahan emosimu dari rengekan manja mereka saat minta kelon atau dongeng sebelum tidur ketika mata 5 wattmu juga meminta  haknya

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat mereka menemukan separo hatinya untuk selanjutnya membangun sarangnya sendiri...
Mungkin saat itu posisimu tak lagi sepenting hari ini
Maka... resapilah setiap mili kebersamaanmu dengan mereka selagi bisa

Karena tak butuh waktu lama menunggu kaki kecil mereka tumbuh menjadi sayap yang kan membawanya pergi menggapai asa dan cita

Kelak kau hanya bisa menengok kamar kosong yang hanya sekali dua akan ditempati penghuninya saat pulang...
Termangu menghirup aroma kenangan di dalamnya dan lalu tercenung "dulu kamar ini pernah begitu riuh dan ceria"
Dan kau begitu merindukannya

Kelak kau akan sering menunggu dering telepon mereka untuk sekedar menanyakan "apa kabarmu ibu"?
Dan kau akan begitu bersemangat menjawabnya dengan cerita-cerita tak penting hari ini

Kelak kau akan merindukan acara memasak makanan kegemaran mereka dan merasa sangat puas saat melihat hasil masakanmu tandas di piring mereka

Janganlah keegoisanmu hari ini akan membawa sesal di kelak kemudian hari
Kau takkan pernah bisa memundurkannya sekalipun sedetik untuk sekedar sedikit memperbaikinya

Karena waktu berjalan...
Ya... ia berlari...
Tidak.... ia terbang...
Dan dia tak pernah mundur kembali

All Over Again. (part 3)

Friday, 1 September 2017

It's late. Probably will finish this later, besides I also have to take Nash to school tomorrow morning.

Sand texted me this morning and I hadn't had any chance to reply. Now I feel like I have to.
"Hey, sorry just finished with everything now. I'll see you tomorrow?"
He was still up there.
"Pick me up? I'm taking you to a quick date near airport, my friend's just opened his cafe"
Yes! He always knows what I like, coffee and books. He always surprises me with unpredictable things; being better than Dusk, and being more thoughtful than anyone. I always flashback to our first meeting in Berlin that evening, I was so impressed by his paintings, which turned out to be only a side hobby. I couldn't believe it so we grabbed some cups of coffee to explain to me and convince me that he wasn't (only) artistic, but (also) kind and mature.

"I'm sorry for your loss. But like, more sorry for his loss of losing you" he made a very sad joke about me breaking up with Dusk. That joke, and other coffee jokes, and other relationship jokes. It was one of the hardest days that I have had since my father passed away a couple of years back. That evening was the shortest yet the longest meeting I have ever had with someone new like Sand. Sand was so common yet so unique, oh I wish I had a word to describe him. Actually thinking of writing a book about Sand, but I'll save it for later, because it will be another story then. Sand was so comforting and he filled the gap. He cured, and he was a major distraction.


"That's okay, I remembered but forgot that quotes about meeting someone who will make you realise why the last one didn't work, or something, if you know what I mean" I said that on our twentieth date, and I have decided to fall in love with Sand, and his silly jokes, and his outbursts and his perseverance, especially regarding our relationship.
"I may not the perfect, not even the better version of any guys you have dated, but tomorrow, I will show you that everything is going to be okay" he tried to calm me down on one day before our wedding day. I was as nervous as him, but he handled it way better than me.
"On our fifth anniversary, remind me to buy you a flower please" I said randomly to thank him for his effort.


***
"This one looks decent for an anniversary" Dusk pull out a white rose from the vase.
"Stop sabotaging my relationship, for God's sake!" I laughed and moved on the the other flowers, without asking his approval I went to the cashier and paid for it.
"You are always a lousy gift-getter"
"I don't care, this one is very special to us and I want to pick it myself" I just rolled my eyes on how he laughed at my flowers. He hugged me from his side and his arms was all around my shoulder and neck. His perfume has never changed, and I couldn't believe it has been over 7 years now, his perfume. "I am faithful, mostly to anything" his defended his perfume choice when I complained a few months ago.


***
"Happy anniversary!!" Sand got me a brand new mirrorless camera. I found out he ran over my browser history and looked at my wishlist in an online shop. You wouldn't believe what I felt that night. It was a combination between guilt, pain, anger, joy, relief, and numb at the same time. I was the worst. "And this is to our seventh year of togetherness, and forever to go" he raised his glass and gave me the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
"Your smile is one of the best things in my life" I raised my glass to and kiss him deeply.
"I love you" Sand always looks into my eyes when he says that. Always.