From: Unknown, To: Reality

Saturday, 2 September 2017

Hanya Soal Waktu🎊

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat rumahmu akan sebersih dan serapih rumah2 dalam majalah2 yang sering kau irikan itu
Maka... nikmatilah setiap detik letihmu yang harus berpuluh kali membereskan kekacauan yang mereka buat

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat mereka tak mau lagi kau gandeng, peluk atau sekedar kau cium rambutnya
Maka... berbahagialah ketika mereka selalu membuntutimu kemanapun kakimu melangkah, meski kadang hal itu mengesalkanmu,
bagi mereka tak ada selainmu

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat kau tak lagi jadi si serba tahu dan tempat mengadu
Maka... bersabarlah dengan rentetan pertanyaan juga celoteh riang dari mulut mungil mereka yang kadang membuat dahimu mengernyit atau keasyikanmu terhenti

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat mereka mulai meminta kamarnya masing2 dan melarangmu mengutak atik segala rupa apa yang di dalamnya
Maka... tahan emosimu dari rengekan manja mereka saat minta kelon atau dongeng sebelum tidur ketika mata 5 wattmu juga meminta  haknya

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat mereka menemukan separo hatinya untuk selanjutnya membangun sarangnya sendiri...
Mungkin saat itu posisimu tak lagi sepenting hari ini
Maka... resapilah setiap mili kebersamaanmu dengan mereka selagi bisa

Karena tak butuh waktu lama menunggu kaki kecil mereka tumbuh menjadi sayap yang kan membawanya pergi menggapai asa dan cita

Kelak kau hanya bisa menengok kamar kosong yang hanya sekali dua akan ditempati penghuninya saat pulang...
Termangu menghirup aroma kenangan di dalamnya dan lalu tercenung "dulu kamar ini pernah begitu riuh dan ceria"
Dan kau begitu merindukannya

Kelak kau akan sering menunggu dering telepon mereka untuk sekedar menanyakan "apa kabarmu ibu"?
Dan kau akan begitu bersemangat menjawabnya dengan cerita-cerita tak penting hari ini

Kelak kau akan merindukan acara memasak makanan kegemaran mereka dan merasa sangat puas saat melihat hasil masakanmu tandas di piring mereka

Janganlah keegoisanmu hari ini akan membawa sesal di kelak kemudian hari
Kau takkan pernah bisa memundurkannya sekalipun sedetik untuk sekedar sedikit memperbaikinya

Karena waktu berjalan...
Ya... ia berlari...
Tidak.... ia terbang...
Dan dia tak pernah mundur kembali

All Over Again. (part 3)

Friday, 1 September 2017

It's late. Probably will finish this later, besides I also have to take Nash to school tomorrow morning.

Sand texted me this morning and I hadn't had any chance to reply. Now I feel like I have to.
"Hey, sorry just finished with everything now. I'll see you tomorrow?"
He was still up there.
"Pick me up? I'm taking you to a quick date near airport, my friend's just opened his cafe"
Yes! He always knows what I like, coffee and books. He always surprises me with unpredictable things; being better than Dusk, and being more thoughtful than anyone. I always flashback to our first meeting in Berlin that evening, I was so impressed by his paintings, which turned out to be only a side hobby. I couldn't believe it so we grabbed some cups of coffee to explain to me and convince me that he wasn't (only) artistic, but (also) kind and mature.

"I'm sorry for your loss. But like, more sorry for his loss of losing you" he made a very sad joke about me breaking up with Dusk. That joke, and other coffee jokes, and other relationship jokes. It was one of the hardest days that I have had since my father passed away a couple of years back. That evening was the shortest yet the longest meeting I have ever had with someone new like Sand. Sand was so common yet so unique, oh I wish I had a word to describe him. Actually thinking of writing a book about Sand, but I'll save it for later, because it will be another story then. Sand was so comforting and he filled the gap. He cured, and he was a major distraction.

"That's okay, I remembered but forgot that quotes about meeting someone who will make you realise why the last one didn't work, or something, if you know what I mean" I said that on our twentieth date, and I have decided to fall in love with Sand, and his silly jokes, and his outbursts and his perseverance, especially regarding our relationship.
"I may not the perfect, not even the better version of any guys you have dated, but tomorrow, I will show you that everything is going to be okay" he tried to calm me down on one day before our wedding day. I was as nervous as him, but he handled it way better than me.
"On our fifth anniversary, remind me to buy you a flower please" I said randomly to thank him for his effort.

"This one looks decent for an anniversary" Dusk pull out a white rose from the vase.
"Stop sabotaging my relationship, for God's sake!" I laughed and moved on the the other flowers, without asking his approval I went to the cashier and paid for it.
"You are always a lousy gift-getter"
"I don't care, this one is very special to us and I want to pick it myself" I just rolled my eyes on how he laughed at my flowers. He hugged me from his side and his arms was all around my shoulder and neck. His perfume has never changed, and I couldn't believe it has been over 7 years now, his perfume. "I am faithful, mostly to anything" his defended his perfume choice when I complained a few months ago.

"Happy anniversary!!" Sand got me a brand new mirrorless camera. I found out he ran over my browser history and looked at my wishlist in an online shop. You wouldn't believe what I felt that night. It was a combination between guilt, pain, anger, joy, relief, and numb at the same time. I was the worst. "And this is to our seventh year of togetherness, and forever to go" he raised his glass and gave me the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
"Your smile is one of the best things in my life" I raised my glass to and kiss him deeply.
"I love you" Sand always looks into my eyes when he says that. Always.

All Over Again. (part 2)

Sunday, 13 August 2017

"You're late again, Mum." Nash welcomed me with a very frown face, I felt very guilty, I said "I had to see Dusk I'm sorry honey. Do you wanna get some ice cream now? Been a long time we don't hang out in that place again near the subway" I tried to sound excited and hoped to make him cheer up a bit. I worked I guess, he grabbed my hand and we walked together to the carpark.

"When is Dad home this week, Mum?"
"Umm.. I think Friday, but he's gonna stay until the end of this month" again, I hoped to cheer him up more after being away from his Dad for almost three weeks now. He wasn't interested, but he told me his plan that we had to agree, "I want to go to the art museum and the sea world next week"
"Sure boss, we're ready for wherever you want us to go!" he smiled, and he went on telling me the whole story at school today.

He said he met a new classmate from Orlando, she was sweet, her name is Lizzy. I was interested too when he told me that his lunch box fell but the food wasn't contaminated because the new box I got him was very tight. He cheered me like no one else has ever before, I think he got that charm since he was born, since I held him in my arms on the first day we met. So far, he has taught me true love, the one I thought was when I said my wedding vow.

"Mum, on mother's day next month, we are going to make a photo competition at school. It's you and me, and I want to use the poloid camera you got. Do you still have it?" I was snapped from the memory of bathing him the first time, I laughed "You mean polaroid? yes, I still have it and we'll have Dad take our picture!" I sincerely got excited because I also fancy Mother's Day, "Do you have to wear any costume? We can match each other if you want?" I wanted to make it special too.
"No, that's okay, we just lay around at the park and Dad will shoot us from above like Beany the Rabbit" He referred to his favourite bedtime story book cover.

I personally liked that one too, Beany the Rabbit. Dusk got me when we visited the Shambles. I didn't get why he chose that out of so many second and classic books he could get for himself and me. Yet, I kept it. I thought it was a useful one, if not for gift, it would make a good memorabilia.

I remember the day I bought that book home and my mother was surprised I had that. I said "Dusk got it for me, and I don't know why, Mum, please don't make this one a big deal"
"No, no big deal, I have always liked him, he is thoughtful, so kind and this, unique, unpredictable you know. I think he's a keeper" Mum pull that book out of the box I packed from Uni and put the book on the living room display desk. We had that desk back home to put pictures or souvenirs from out of town from relatives. I just didn't know that children story book was included in that category.

"If he wasn't gonna come with you, then you should just leave him. Or you know, I can speak for you if you want, just to make him think clearer that you are waiting for him to answer the invitation" when I got the offer from Berlin, mother was so excited and too excited about my relationship too with Dusk. Not only she loved him, I think she was madly obsessed with him, and it got me so weak. I said no. "Mum, I have asked him, and he said no, he wouldn't come with me, he'd rather wait"

It broke my mother's heart.
I think until Sand came, or at least until Nash came.

It's You

Thursday, 20 July 2017

I don't know if you will one day read this or not.
I just want to let you know that..

there are nights when I thank God for closing some doors - the doors with you in it, the doors with you in my head, the doors with your name on it, and the doors of hope you and I are going to work

and opening the other doors - blissful life I'm living, amazing people I am surrounded with, the mental health I experienced, and the amazing things that has happened to me because you ARE NOT around.

I thank God for showing me the closed door before, so I know what I am thankful about.
I am glad I have been hurt, so I know how to not hurt people.
And I am glad we are over, so I am sure you are not that one I had been wishing for.


more to come

Wednesday, 12 July 2017


I'm taking a break from being-a-mom posts! This is me!

this is me.
and this is me.

My first time ever interviewing a legend and got featured in main article of an online magazine!
Check this one out: WWW.EATVACATION.COM

and yeah. that's all. thanks.