It's You

Thursday, 20 July 2017

I don't know if you will one day read this or not.
I just want to let you know that..

there are nights when I thank God for closing some doors - the doors with you in it, the doors with you in my head, the doors with your name on it, and the doors of hope you and I are going to work

and opening the other doors - blissful life I'm living, amazing people I am surrounded with, the mental health I experienced, and the amazing things that has happened to me because you ARE NOT around.

I thank God for showing me the closed door before, so I know what I am thankful about.
I am glad I have been hurt, so I know how to not hurt people.
And I am glad we are over, so I am sure you are not that one I had been wishing for.


more to come

Wednesday, 12 July 2017


I'm taking a break from being-a-mom posts! This is me!

this is me.
and this is me.

My first time ever interviewing a legend and got featured in main article of an online magazine!
Check this one out: WWW.EATVACATION.COM

and yeah. that's all. thanks.

A Simple Motherhood Reminder

Monday, 10 July 2017

Last weekend, I went two days straight only with mu husband.
Where? Nowhere significant; a movie date, wedding reception and a day out in campus.

We watched Spiderman Homecoming, and I decided to use my simple bag without baby stuff in it. I didn't check what was inside until I sat nicely at a 'sweetbox' seat - a seat for couples in a cinema, and opened my bag to reach my phone. I was shocked it was so empty but only purse, one lipstick, a hand sanitizer, a body lotion and a pantyliner. Then I realised this was my just-married bag, the one I used when we just got married and I was still full of myself back then. I didn't need to carry any diapers, clothes, bibs, baby powder, and minyak telon. I didn't have toys in it, I didn't even have wet AND facial tissue. I was so... simple, light & alone.
At night after the movie, we went to a relative's wedding. I didn't bring my bag at all. Even my phone was dead and I left everything in the car. All I held was my husband's hand. That's all.
I realised without baby I was so carefree, easy & alone with my husband.

It was a halal bihalal day at work. I went with my husband only and quite content he woke up very early on a Sunday. I brought the same bag like yesterday, but this time I decided to put something more so it doesn't feel so weird. Again, it was still empty enough compared to what I have always been carrying for the past 12 months. I didn't know a year could mean so much to my life. On our way home, I managed not to open the souvenir I got from the event. I said "ini buat Sky kan dia suka kado kadoan". Then I realised I was so into her. I was reminded of her most of the times and I couldn't imagine if she wasn't here.

If it wasn't Skylar, I wonder who waited for me at home.
If it wasn't for her, who would I bring things home for.
If it wasn't because of her, what was my many reasons to... stay alive, stay challenged, and stay sober.

I realised that beyond the carefree life, the light bag, and the simple packing list, there is a baby who needs me so much without realising it. There is this innocent human being who started to run each time she sees me come home from work. There is this little monster who bites and kisses after. There is this pretty angel whom God gives as my life purpose.

So I chose to be a mother -bring all her stuff inside my bag, carry her around with or without stroller, and outpour my personal stuff so I could squeeze her stuff- rather than being alone.

Just A Casual Motherly Day

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Hari ini seharian full sama Sky. dari dia bangun sampe dia tidur lagi.

Bersyukur punya mama yang supportive banget, dan bersyukur punya bayi yang cooperative banget.
Enak banget rasanya bisa spend the whole day with my loved ones.
It's always something I treasure.
I still have tomorrow to spend all day with Sky.
Sebelum Jumat kembali lagi jadi kuli yang ngga jelas.

I pray to God always give my baby health & happiness.

All Over Again.

Monday, 15 May 2017

"marry me?"
After a sip I almost spilled the whole cup of tea hearing that, "I'm sorry what?"
"you heard me, I want you to marry me, leave him and move with me"
I closed  and opened my eyes repetitiously, "are you out of your mind? I am married! And I have three kids from my husband!" now I rolled my eyes and scan the air.
Where did he get all this madness? Why so sudden? What now?

"We both know you're not happy" he kept telling me this but now it's in other phrase
"I am happy with my life, what makes you think I'm not?" I'm confused with his deduction
"You barely see him, he barely touches you, I know you love me more!" he got more confident just when I started staring at him seriously
"No you don't know that, I lo... " I paused and got angry a bit,"I can't marry you, you're insane!"
"Come on you only see him like what?" I opened my mouth in shock right when he continued, "once a week? How is that even love? You've been with me all this long and we have so much in common, I can tell you are happier with me."
"Hang on! You have no idea how my relationship is with him. I am content and happy with my family." I managed to keep the wording normal.
"then why are we doing this? Why are you seeing me?"

I was puzzled a moment, I wanted to say all the crazy things inside my head but I held on. Instead, "What's going on? Where did this come from? I see you because you're my friend, we work together and..."
"and you love me!" he just cut perfectly
"I do!" I really wanted to slap him in the face, "I always have, because we are friends, then and now. But I can't marry you, you know we can't be together"
"I can't do this. I think I'm leaving." weirdly he laid back and rested his head backward. He wasn't sound angry. I think it was a desperation.

I shook my shoulders and wondered what's in his mind. "You're leaving?" he nodded, "again?" I wasn't sure if what he said was what he meant.
"What do you mean again? It was you who left me!" He raised his voice
"I did?" I also raised mine, "Let's rewind! You cannot turn the table and blame me for what we are now. You were the one who said you weren't ready back then. And you let me go!"
"And you're supposed to wait until I could convince you. But you what? You did not wait, you married someone else!"
"Because you didn't ask me to stay." I ended his argument, " and you let me go, you barely defended our relationship. Yet now I am still with you, we are working together, but I just cannot be with you the way you want it. And when you say you're leaving, you will come back and act like nothing has happened, and start all over again with me. You know what, you play me. All this time."
"I just want to be with you, that's it" he looked at me in the eyes deeply and I started to get clumsy. As always.
"I have to pick up Nash at school. So I'll talk to you when you're better" I picked my bag and left him with his own thought. Again.