drunk and beaten

"I have an issue of losing things. Sometimes I can let go of something as if I don't need it anymore. Sometimes I hold tight and fight til I die to not lose things that I want so bad"
"what's your latest interests?" dokter Ashley mendorong meja di hadapan kami ke sebelah kanan sehingga lutut kami semakin dekat.
"my interests? well, cooking and fishing" sofa empuk yang kududuki terasa semakin menghangatkan pinggulku
"interesting. Tell me about it!"
"I am basically not a nice person. I insult many people and I rarely smile to new friends, even family."
"oh, why?" ia mengerutkan keningnya.
"because I don't wanna be a nice person. I think things should go my way or nor"
"Do you classify yourself as selfish?"
"I believe everyone is selfish, I know someone who's more selfish than me. and she does not even bother to go to a psychiatrist as if being selfish does not hurt her"
"why do you think that kind of person is selfish?"
"because she lives in denial."saya menahan emosi sedikit untuk tidak mendeskripsikan orang ini lebih lanjut. Ini sesi saya dan psikiatris saya, bukan dia.

"Tell me about your memorable childhood moment!"
"my dad sent me to school because he cannot read the story book for me. my mom sent me to ballet school because she cannot split her legs. they sent me out to be someone that they were not"
"why is that memorable to you?"
"because they taught me nothing but sent someone that you love to a better place they might be"
"Do you take that as...abandoning you as a kid?"
"I did. now I don't anymore. I am not bothered thinking of things I am not interested at"
"are you saying you are not interested about what your parents want you to be?"
"I am saying that it is not interesting to justify their effort to sent me out to be a better creature"
"do you realise that sometimes you are confusing people?"
"I am boring. and now I am bored"

saya memantik sebatang rokok di teras rumah itu. nyaman sekali angin sore yang meniup rambut di kening saya. rasanya saya ingin bertahan lama di sini, psikiatris saya baik dan menyenangkan, sulit untuk saya menemukan alasan untuk membuatnya kesal. dia hanya bisa tersenyum, melempar pertanyaan dan mendengarkan saya dengan serius. saya pikir dia yang gila, bukan saya.

"so what do you like about cooking?"
saya menghela nafas panjang, sisa asap rokok masih mengepul sedikit ke udara di antara saya dan Dr Ashley. bukan pertanyaan mudah, tapi saya harus menjawabnya "I reckon that I will never stop hurting myself. I keep burning my fingers, scratching my hair with handful of flour and breaking more glasses and plates"
"why does that not make you stop cooking?"
"because I like it. I will not give up on something that I like, no matter how hurtful it is"
"is that an issue to you?"
"yes, I am afraid if someday I like killing people but dislike going to jail because of it"
"and are you aware that there are always consequences for every action you take?"
"I thought we can negotiate that?"
"do you ever feel sad?"
"what is it like?" saya membungkam Dr Ashley kurang lebih satu menit. Kami menghela nafas bersamaan. Tiba-tiba ia menjadi tak menyenangkan.

"we should take a break. You start asking a question, not answering it"
saya menyerah. kami sepakat ketemu lagi minggu depan di sini. selalu di sini karena anginnya selalu enak, dan aroma rumah itu selalu nyaman setiap saya datang. Entah apa yang dilakukan Dr Ashley terhadap ruang terapinya.

"Nick, I was just wondering if.. you are the one who's psychologically disturbed, not me. I think you need a therapist"
"Don't worry about me, I am your therapist, you should not think of how insane I am to handle an insane patient like you" senyumnya menutup hari saya. Mobil yang saya kendarai tidak menuju apartemen saya, melainkan membelok ke psikiatris lain.

lu-lie-by

"hey, kenapa sayang?" dia merangkulku dari kanan lalu mengusap lengan kiriku. Aku cuma bisa menatap lututnya yang setinggi pahaku sambil menunduk menitikkan air mata. Aku nggak bisa ngomong apa-apa, cuma diam. Sementara dia masih mengusa-usap telapak tangan hangatnya ke lengan kiriku sambil sesekali meremasnya.
"semuanya pasti baik-baik aja. kamu jangan khawatir sama hal-hal yang nggak jelas gitu" aku menggigit bibir bawahku dengan penuh rasa cemas. Air mataku sekarang mengalir agak deras. Dekapan dari sebelahku semakin kuat, mungkin karena dia merasakan punggungku mulai naik turun. Aku enggan berbicara, takut diafragmaku nggak stabil dan malah mengeluarkan suara konyol yang akan membuat dia tertawa. Aku senang liat dia serius, sebab selama ini dia selalu fun dan sering bercanda untuk hal apapun. Diambilnya botol minuman biru dari dalam tasnya, disuguhkan padaku tanpa melepas rangkulannya dari lengan kiriku.

Aku minum seteguk, sedikit lega, lalu "makasih ya. Aku bingung soalnya harus gimana" suaraku mengecil di akhir kata, hampir tidak terdengar. Dia balik menyuguhkan botol minumannya untuk kuteguk. "Aku nggak tau mau minta pendapat sama siapa lagi soal ini" aku diam lagi merasakan air mataku menetes jauh ke lantai dari tulang pipiku.

"iya, aku paham kebingungan kamu, tapi kamu jangan malah diem dan nggak bergerak gini. Ayo kita cari penyelesaian masalah ini, jangan malah larut dalam kesedihan dan kebingungan ya, sayang" kali ini dia memelukku erat, seperti nggak membiarkan aku menghirup oksigen selain dari dekapannya. Wajahku tenggelam di bahunya, sesekali kuusapkan wajahku ke lehernya yang hangat. Tangannya mengusap-usap punggungku dan sesekali memukul halus agar keluar sesak di dadaku.

Selang beberapa detik kemudian, ia menghapus basah di mata dan pipiku, menuntunku ke meja kasir dan bertanya pada salah satu petugas di dekat mesin hitung "mbak, ada warna hijau nggak ya model ini?"tangan kirinya masih merangkul pundakku dari belakang. Ia mendekatkan lagi tubuhku ke tubuh sebelah kirinya. Aku menatapnya dari sudut mataku tanpa menoleh. Mataku bergantian menatapnya dan menatap petugas kasir di depan kami.

Setelah memincingkan matanya pada layar komputer, petugas kasir mendongak menatapku mengatakan "ada, tinggal satu nih kak" seketika aku terperanjat dan menegangkan bahu. Aku memeluknya hangat sementara sang petugas kasir mengambilkan tas yang aku mau. Alhamdulillah, hilang sudah galau dan sedihku akibat display tas impianku hanya berwarna coklat dan merah. Aku beranjak keluar toko dengan hati riang meskipun masih berhidung merah.

Ia ikut tersenyum membelai rambut panjangku, merasakan kesenangan yang aku tau dia nggak akan ngerti, karena buatnya, melihatku senyum adalah alasan untuk dia tersenyum.

feedback

I received my feedback about this blog. I am totally sorry for those who hurt, and congrats for those who think this shit is nice. baiklah, mari kembali bersampah dengan bahasa indonesia.

ngomong-ngomong, stats di blogger bilang audiences saya juga ada yang dari US lho, beneran deh amazed gimana om gugel menyampaikan mereka pada sampah ini. nggak salah kan kalo saya tulis "how did you get here" sebagai slogan blog saya?

udah empat tahun saya nulis, beberapa cerita ada yang jadi nyata. bener deh, saya sampe pusing sendiri baca postingan saya yang mana judulnya yang mana ceritanya. maaf yah kalo ada yang bingung dan bosen dengan judul-judul menyebalkan yang nggak bisa dilacak. serius deh, 70 dari ratusan posting saya ini dibuat dalam keadaan mental yang nggak stabil. kadang sambil senyum, kadang ngetiknya lambat, kadang emosi karena nggak nemu bahasa yang baik dan tepat. yah gitu deh...

mudah-mudahan feedback kalian bisa saya pake untuk improve tulisan hampa...selebihnya, sorry ya, I write what I want and you don't have any fvcking right to tell me how it's supposed to be. makanya saya makasih berat buat yang komentarnya cuma memuji atau mencaci. nggak terima kasih buat yang nyuruh saya untuk publish tulisan saya, atau harus mengubah cara menulis saya. go go make your own blog, dude! :)

intermezzo saya segini dulu ya, saya nggak mau mulai nyinyir menghina blog sebelah yang isinya merenyuhkan pembacanya, padahal penulisnya munafik. oh no, here I go again mocking. I need to go!

PS to Tio: sorry nyong kali ini bahasa indo, lagi nggak mood berbahasa Thom Yorke :)

the last one, i forgot about (part 3)

Dear Janice,

I hope you are doing well in Vietnam as I know how you're madly in love with that exotic country. Please don't forget bringing me that ethnic bracelet from the market.

Well, we have been best friends since 15 years ago, high school moments are always our favourites. I always envy how those basketball and cricket captains were competing each other to ask you out. And still, you're that priceless princess turning them away from your Saturday night. Instead we did ourselves manicure and hair-do. Girls nights, oh, how I adore you.

So, this might be the most cheerful letter that I have sent you, but yes, I couldn't help myself from refraining my happy thoughts about me and Dows. You know, he told me yesterday all about your relationship with him. He told me that you were always mad at him for every single pieces of things that didn't go your way. He never said 'I love you' every morning to you like he does to me everyday (up until now). He told me that your morning coffee after sex was never really that bold and you never smiled at him whenever he did silly things in front of you. You cheated twice and he always forgave you, that seemed so 'him', didn't it? I always fancy his coolness and modesty.

Eventually, he admitted that you used to be the love of his life, and he cheated on me to still hang out with you when he was in Paris. However, he apologised, and what can I do to his sincerity and honesty? Besides, you are his ex. And yeah, you know more what an 'ex' means to most guys, including him. I don't pity your decision to leave him, I really do hope you are happy with what you are doing -and what you're having now in your life.

I never meant to ruin your holiday by saying this, you are my best friend anyway. I just want you to know that he has moved on, from what so called true love. It was hard for me to accept that he was still meeting you around as you guys are approaching the same field in work. I know and will always realise that you are to some extent better than me. Yet, he determined that he ends up with me. and I just want to let you know that... he's not that into you...anymore.


Kiss,
Julia

the last one, i forgot about (part 2)

De Gaulle, Paris, France.
I believe I needed to travel farther to reach Janice. I don't know why I am still into her.
We broke up million years ago, and now I am engaged.

"mon cher! bienvenue a Francaise!" her French never impress me, it's the way she speaks it makes me fall deeper to her perseverance of studying. I believe it was not my fault to leave her as she decided to take a designing school in Sweden. All I know it was just shocking to finally end up dating her best friend, who is now my fiancee.


"darling, I really stuck with these crazy people talking language that I hate so much. It's as if their tongues are the best rolling when they pronounce the crazy language and as if they are the best in kissing, knowing that there is no English Kiss. I hate being here, and if it's not because of you, I would have spent my summer in Miami, rather than this ridiculous part of Europe"


"it's Paris, seven out of eight people want to be here, for a visit, honeymoon, school, work, whatever. Why don't you be a bit sympathetic and grateful of where you have stepped right now. Do you know how many artists and histories born here? know many movies have taken scene here, and do you have any idea how amazing they are? God, you are doomed for hating it" Janice spoke without letting her hand off from my arm along De Gaulle exit way.


We skipped arguing about how miserable Paris is to me and how dreamy that city is for her. She's just mingled with all Parisians and their styles. I could never believe I detest this city. Janice is always convincing that no matter how resentful I am upon this city, I would have a good time as long as I am here with her. I think she's correct.

La Pere Claude had the best view that night. Janice never fails picking up rotisseries restaurant for us. Summer has never been this quiet for me, and this trip is, I believe, going to defeat my last trip with Julia last year.
"Iceberg de pomme verte en mer normande...c'est votre, monsieur" 
"Oh, again Janice, I am really pleased you kept ordering good food for me"
"Apple? everyone eats apple in France" Janice is the love of my life I suppose, I just found her not the partner of my life however.


Checked out in Ritz, a night out with Janice before she boost up her work again tomorrow. I never really understand how this relationship might goes well. I just know that dating your fiancee's best friend is the best way to pump up your adrenaline, and risk your whole love life....forever.

senja (dusk)

i typically am being a bit sarcastic each night, sarcastic about how life might go.
i put more detention to those who might be aware of what i am stepping at.
like this dusk, i put the highest extent of self-defying.
"jadi gimana nih presentasi kita? mau pake design yang kemarin biar ada efek animasi gitu?"
"menurut gua sih efek animasinya digabung aja sama efek 2D yang emang udah ada template-nya"
"nggak usah deh, satu aja, biar nggak ribet. mau animasi apa 2D?"
"2D aja deh, gua takut nanti malah keunggulan kita nggak menonjol karena kalah sama animasinya"
"okay, that works!"

i barely conscious that this guy i am debating with is the one that i had a crush on lately. i barely have any guts to even show him that he is smart and comforting. i defeated by the fact that the last wound was not really healed. it left me a burning scar, which somehow still hurts, no matter how old that one is.

"ayolah selesaiin semua, gua mau lanjut ke project selanjutnya"
"sip-sip, tapi santai aja kali, ngebut bener ye"
"bukan, soalnya banyak banget nanti jadi numpuk kalo nggak dicicil"
"oke oke boss"

he is always adorable, in desk, in sports, in street and in my imagination. i don't see him quite sensitive, in fact, his sensitivity kind of line me a clear orientation of how a feeling should. this is the first time in my life to be told of what i ought to feel about something. i didn't know that dusk might forbid me to fall in love again. i'm not even interested to describe what love is, i prefer remembering what stuff i have left in his room when we were brain-storming about, that thing, the job thing. not else.

i feel this dusk is being sarcastic to me, even more than i am to myself lately.

the last one, i forgot about

"Janice, you're here. I thought you were in Paris" Dow was shocked seeing a huge tote bag carried out by a woman he knew.
"Oh hi, you seemed to always think the wrong thing about me"Janice combed her pony and sacked up her bag
"no, you told me last week that you were going to Paris for the conference" Dow shrugged his shoulders unbelievably
"gosh, Dow, you don't even want to admit that you're wrong"
"hi guys, you know each other?" Julia came up suddenly from nowhere and surprised Dow.
"well. yeah, Janice's my friend"
"he's my ex boyfriend" Janice answered Julia exactly the same time Dow was speaking
"sorry? again, one of you answer it so I don't get confused" Julia slightly frowned looking at both Dow and Janice's eyes
"umh, well, we used to date....three years ago? wasn't it, Janice?"
it was a while when Janice smile cruelly to Dow and fixed her scarf. She maintained to stay calm and acted like Dow was giving her no signal at all to say a good thing to her best friend, and Dow's fiancee.
"three years? I believe it was a long time ago, Dow... really couldn't remember"
that somehow made Julia even freaked out "you couldn't remember to tell me, baby? We've been together for a year"
"well, I just talked what I need to spill out, the significant and relevant ones, dear" Dow tried to act as warm as he could be. He knew telling truth is not solving any distrust he just made Julia be.
"that's a really thoughtful Dow. You're a lucky princess to have him, and you are of course invaluable love for him, Jule" Janice grabbed Julia's arm and dragged her to the pool.





"thank you for making it tonight, I couldn't believe you were really cancelling your conference in Paris" Julia handed Janice a wine glass
"Jule, come on! a best friend's engagement night? I must be crazily selfish to miss this moment of your life"
"so, tell me again about Dow, you dated him? was he the very last guy you have dated?" Julia tried to get back to her recent confusion
"oh, well, officially yes, but foolishly no. You know I've been around with many guys out there. Dow wasn't really the remarkable one, don't worry about us. It's been ages, Jule.. and he is your fiancee now! yeay!" Janice really was yelling happily and Julian couldn't help but to smile realising it too.



"hey, thanks for that!" Dow opened the house door for Janice
"what?"
"telling Ju...my fiancee that we're over" Dow smiled a bit noticing that Janice has been very nice these few hours
"oh. Dow, don't mention it. she's my best friend, and we really are over. don't worry" Janice waved her left hand to the air and stepped out the house immediately as her driver approached her.
"I'll see you in Paris next week!" Dow almost shouted once Janice stepped her foot to the back seat of her luxurious car........from Dow.

another leap year

the last leap year was.. unthinkable.
i thought leap year would always brings something bad to me,
but not at all.

apparently, leap year leads me to prosperity and failure in love life.
this leap year..i am expecting more prosperity so i don't have to mind another love failure.
i always fail in relationship anyway.

been a long time not writing any story,
been busy with school and how it has to be finished within a year time.
been thinking about taking a phD without getting married first.

i satisfy myself by being surreptitiously working very hard,
i don't mind failing, as long as i know that i have died trying.
i am assertive and open-minded, i don't mind falling as long as i know how manageable the pain will be.

knowing heartily happy and firm, i hurt myself physically nowadays.
i find myself struggling with tangible fights rather than masked ones.
i prefer blending my ideas with the nature, rather than giving up my freedom to vainly happiness.

this lap year, i don't make too much plan
i walk what i can talk
i talk what i can walk
and i don't mind failing again, as long as i know i have hardly fight for something i deserve.