It's You

Thursday, 20 July 2017

I don't know if you will one day read this or not.
I just want to let you know that..

there are nights when I thank God for closing some doors - the doors with you in it, the doors with you in my head, the doors with your name on it, and the doors of hope you and I are going to work

and opening the other doors - blissful life I'm living, amazing people I am surrounded with, the mental health I experienced, and the amazing things that has happened to me because you ARE NOT around.

I thank God for showing me the closed door before, so I know what I am thankful about.
I am glad I have been hurt, so I know how to not hurt people.
And I am glad we are over, so I am sure you are not that one I had been wishing for.

Thanks

more to come

Wednesday, 12 July 2017

NO. I CANNOT KEEP THIS TO MYSELF.

I'm taking a break from being-a-mom posts! This is me!

www.eatvacation.com

this is me.
and this is me.

My first time ever interviewing a legend and got featured in main article of an online magazine!
Check this one out: WWW.EATVACATION.COM






and yeah. that's all. thanks.

A Simple Motherhood Reminder

Monday, 10 July 2017

Last weekend, I went two days straight only with mu husband.
Where? Nowhere significant; a movie date, wedding reception and a day out in campus.

Saturday.
We watched Spiderman Homecoming, and I decided to use my simple bag without baby stuff in it. I didn't check what was inside until I sat nicely at a 'sweetbox' seat - a seat for couples in a cinema, and opened my bag to reach my phone. I was shocked it was so empty but only purse, one lipstick, a hand sanitizer, a body lotion and a pantyliner. Then I realised this was my just-married bag, the one I used when we just got married and I was still full of myself back then. I didn't need to carry any diapers, clothes, bibs, baby powder, and minyak telon. I didn't have toys in it, I didn't even have wet AND facial tissue. I was so... simple, light & alone.
At night after the movie, we went to a relative's wedding. I didn't bring my bag at all. Even my phone was dead and I left everything in the car. All I held was my husband's hand. That's all.
I realised without baby I was so carefree, easy & alone with my husband.

Sunday.
It was a halal bihalal day at work. I went with my husband only and quite content he woke up very early on a Sunday. I brought the same bag like yesterday, but this time I decided to put something more so it doesn't feel so weird. Again, it was still empty enough compared to what I have always been carrying for the past 12 months. I didn't know a year could mean so much to my life. On our way home, I managed not to open the souvenir I got from the event. I said "ini buat Sky kan dia suka kado kadoan". Then I realised I was so into her. I was reminded of her most of the times and I couldn't imagine if she wasn't here.

If it wasn't Skylar, I wonder who waited for me at home.
If it wasn't for her, who would I bring things home for.
If it wasn't because of her, what was my many reasons to... stay alive, stay challenged, and stay sober.

I realised that beyond the carefree life, the light bag, and the simple packing list, there is a baby who needs me so much without realising it. There is this innocent human being who started to run each time she sees me come home from work. There is this little monster who bites and kisses after. There is this pretty angel whom God gives as my life purpose.

So I chose to be a mother -bring all her stuff inside my bag, carry her around with or without stroller, and outpour my personal stuff so I could squeeze her stuff- rather than being alone.


Just A Casual Motherly Day

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Hari ini seharian full sama Sky. dari dia bangun sampe dia tidur lagi.
Rasanya......
Indescribable.

Bersyukur punya mama yang supportive banget, dan bersyukur punya bayi yang cooperative banget.
Enak banget rasanya bisa spend the whole day with my loved ones.
It's always something I treasure.
I still have tomorrow to spend all day with Sky.
Sebelum Jumat kembali lagi jadi kuli yang ngga jelas.

I pray to God always give my baby health & happiness.

All Over Again.

Monday, 15 May 2017

"marry me?"
After a sip I almost spilled the whole cup of tea hearing that, "I'm sorry what?"
"you heard me, I want you to marry me, leave him and move with me"
I closed  and opened my eyes repetitiously, "are you out of your mind? I am married! And I have three kids from my husband!" now I rolled my eyes and scan the air.
Where did he get all this madness? Why so sudden? What now?

"We both know you're not happy" he kept telling me this but now it's in other phrase
"I am happy with my life, what makes you think I'm not?" I'm confused with his deduction
"You barely see him, he barely touches you, I know you love me more!" he got more confident just when I started staring at him seriously
"No you don't know that, I lo... " I paused and got angry a bit,"I can't marry you, you're insane!"
"Come on you only see him like what?" I opened my mouth in shock right when he continued, "once a week? How is that even love? You've been with me all this long and we have so much in common, I can tell you are happier with me."
"Hang on! You have no idea how my relationship is with him. I am content and happy with my family." I managed to keep the wording normal.
"then why are we doing this? Why are you seeing me?"

I was puzzled a moment, I wanted to say all the crazy things inside my head but I held on. Instead, "What's going on? Where did this come from? I see you because you're my friend, we work together and..."
"and you love me!" he just cut perfectly
"I do!" I really wanted to slap him in the face, "I always have, because we are friends, then and now. But I can't marry you, you know we can't be together"
"I can't do this. I think I'm leaving." weirdly he laid back and rested his head backward. He wasn't sound angry. I think it was a desperation.

I shook my shoulders and wondered what's in his mind. "You're leaving?" he nodded, "again?" I wasn't sure if what he said was what he meant.
"What do you mean again? It was you who left me!" He raised his voice
"I did?" I also raised mine, "Let's rewind! You cannot turn the table and blame me for what we are now. You were the one who said you weren't ready back then. And you let me go!"
"And you're supposed to wait until I could convince you. But you what? You did not wait, you married someone else!"
"Because you didn't ask me to stay." I ended his argument, " and you let me go, you barely defended our relationship. Yet now I am still with you, we are working together, but I just cannot be with you the way you want it. And when you say you're leaving, you will come back and act like nothing has happened, and start all over again with me. You know what, you play me. All this time."
"I just want to be with you, that's it" he looked at me in the eyes deeply and I started to get clumsy. As always.
"I have to pick up Nash at school. So I'll talk to you when you're better" I picked my bag and left him with his own thought. Again.



the 10 years ago ME talking to present ME

Tuesday, 4 April 2017

2007
Whats it motherhood like? I bet it feels amazing.
I look up to my mom, and other moms, and I see that they are amazing.
They struggle in pain, happiness, tears, anger and hunger, yet they survived.

My mom.
Well, I don't know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. I'm still dating this bad boy and my life is an adventure. I start to believe that marriage sucks, I have to surrender myself to a stranger, a man who does not deserve me, a boy who will rule this and that for me, someone who barely knows me; an imam. Oh cliche.

Motherhood.
Can I be a mom without getting married? Technically can. Socially not.
I can imagine the amazingness of being a mother. Raising my child and giving the best of me.
Will my child need a father? Well, I need my father, so yes I guess my child will need a father.
I just know that my mother maybe does not need my father. Weird.

Anyway, that's still too far.
I have to focus on this assignments and exams first before all that complicated life stage. I still want to wander around, meet people and going to places. I guess yes motherhood is on bucketlist, but I'll think about the technical stuff later.

THE PRESENT ME
Oh Hey!!
I never knew you would be a mother by now!
I never doubt your capability of loving, you were always the dumb and loving one, so yeah you'd love your child unconditionally of course I know that.
I just didn't think you finally chose this path and be this mature/
I never guessed you would be brave enough to be a real mom WITH A HUSBAND.
You never wanted a husband, but now you have one. And funnily you LIKED him.
How is motherhood?
Is it as amazing as you imagined it when you were still single?
Man, you have that patience, and YOU ARE AGING.
Look at those wrinkles, well slight, but they are there I can see. Ew. You okay?
You wear dress more now, and you only have 3 pairs of jeans now! Dibs!
What? Do you cook now? Does your husband like it?
Your baby, look!! A BABY! She is very very adorable.
Did you have C-sect? Was it as painful as you talked about when you were in college?
Who was there with you when you gave birth to your daughter?
Aw your parents must be soo happy and content. I just really really don't remember when you planned about getting married and be a wife. Do you still work? Can you bath your baby?
CAN YOU FEED OR BREASTFEED HER? I mean you were so skinny, do you have milk?

HAHAHAHAHAHAH sorry I just didn't know I would be like who you are now.
I still have a million more questions from my age to you. But I'll save it for you to answer it yourself.
Enjoy!



***to be continued***

Home

Thursday, 2 February 2017

You know what home is?
Home is wherever and whenever I'm with you.

Singapore Botanical Garden

Changi Airport, 2017



Motherhood 101

It's Skylar's 9th month now.
People have been saying this and that.
People have been judging here and there.
People have been telling on what and how.

You know what I'm gonna do?
Whatever works.

I love you Skylar.


The Last Day of January

Tuesday, 31 January 2017

It started to rain as I just sat back on my comfortable couch, typing my next blog post as a report of my travel journey. Yes, I am a traveller. I gave up college for travelling. Daddy said I'm crazy but I don't care. I used my money for travelling. This evening the sky is beautifully dark, so is my travel story.

I went to Neverbotherland.
It's a small village near an archipelago. I found its name so weird and that's why I went there. I stayed with local, to explore better and to save money. The weather was very nice back there, it was windy but not too cold. I over-brought my coat I guess. The food was okay, plain but okay. From where I come from, spice is a must in cooking, but in Neverbotherland, it was all plain. But that's okay, I always think local food is another experience I should never complain about. Travelling is about learning to adapt yourself to what is not your usual things. Only three days in that house, Nomi's, and I think it was the most interesting place I have visited (considering this is just January lol). Nomi was very friendly but quiet. She listens to my story and asks a lots of questions that make me tell her more. I think she's a bit investigative, but in a fun way. I like her.

Nomi took me to an old castle where the legend of that village began. The history made no sense to me, but hey, history always does, doesn't it? I just took pictures of that castle, very old castle. We ended up in traditional restaurant where we took off our shoes before we got inside and we were served by a very old lady. Her cooking was somehow a bit different than the local food which I thought was plain. Her cooking was very nice with enough spice, different than my own spice but still, it was not plain obviously. Nomi took me to beer place near that traditional restaurant and we drank the local beer, made of grapefruit and lime. The owner was Nomi's geography teacher who turned into a wine-man, and we discussed a lot about interesting places to travel. Nomi herself never really travelled. She was very knowledgeable because of tourists like me who stayed in her place. She must be very imaginative and clever to actually have so many knowledges in her head by now.

We went around some other tourist sites and the day 4 before I left, Nomi handed me a unique photo picture with a dried leaf inside it. She said it's her souvenir for every guest who stays in her place. "You may throw the leaf and put a picture on it if you like, I don't have any magic or spell on that leaf anyway" and she laughed elegantly. I shook her hand and wish her a good bye.



Nomi.
She's around early twenties. She has long thick hair and pale skin. She didn't finish her school because her parents passed away on the same week right the day of her graduation day from high school. They left her with a house to be run for, she chose to become a host for traveller. She was very keen registering herself in here and there website or tourist and travel agent. She also became the member of world's airbnb association, just to get a coverage about her place and be promoted among exotic destinations travellers.

I was one of those travellers she aimed. And she got me, as her place was the only available airbnb near city centre, or should I call it village centre. Neverbotherland has only 1000 population, so no wonder Nomi's competition was very thin and everyone knows everyone.  A few hotels offer a very luxurious package with their rooms, they also offer tour and travel service that I cannot afford. So I chose Nomi, not only because hers is cheap but also I got the opportunity to experience Neverbotherland from the local point of view. Another experience money can't buy.

Nomi reads book and articles, as well as news. She enrich herself to be able to compete with those hotels and their interesting offers. She does not want to lose the market interest, hence she made her own target market. She attracted travellers with her simplicity, her kindness and friendliness. I told you she's friendly but quiet.

She taught me that people want to be listened. People loved to be asked. And at the end people want to be appreciated for what they have done or gone through in their lives.

People need people like Nomi.
And Nomi told me, people love sunset.


Life of a Third Wheeler

Monday, 2 January 2017

Kenalin, nama gue Mulya, 22 tahun, tinggal di Jakarta. Karena gue anak daerah yang lagi mengais rejeki dan memperjelas jati diri, gue ngekost di daerah Jakarta Pusat. Katanya biar deket kemana-mana. Padahal yang namanya Jakarta sedeket apapun tetep jauh rasanya karena cuma deket doang tapi ngga jadian. Eh. Maksudnya deket doang tapi macetnya ampun ampunan.

Temen sekamar gue, sesama anak daerah, namanya Ayu. Pacarnya borju gile, hampir tiap malem kami party dibayarin sama si Gaga ini. Well, katanya sih Gaga ini anaknya pejabat tingga daerah Indonesia Timur. Gaga tinggal sama ibu tirinya di Jakarta, dan ibu kandungnya sama bapak kandungnya di rumah dinas di Timur sana. Nggapapa lah, gue sih ngga begitu peduli sama keluarga orang, yang penting Gaga baik suka traktir minum dan anter kami pulang.

Malem ini, seperti biasa, Gaga dan Ayu akan pacaran dulu di bioskop sebelum party nanti.
"Lu mau ikut ga nonton? Gaga dapet 1 tiket gratis dari bank nih" Ayu bersuara dari kamar mandi kecil kami. Gue yang memang udah mandi dari sore tapi ngga jelas mau kemana, akhirnya setuju ikutan jadi third wheel setelah Ayu bilang filmnya horor. Yes, gue suka film horor. Di tempat asal gue, segala sesuatunya dikaitkan dengan mistis dan mitos, jadilah kalo ada hal berbau horor dan gaib sedikit, gue langsung semangat.

Sampe di bioskop, gue dan Ayu pake baju yang memang agak ketat dilapis jaket. Maklum mau lanjut party kan abis ini, jadi biar praktis tinggal copot aja jaket kami. Sebelum Gaga dateng, Ayu curhat soal kuliahnya. Iya Ayu ini masih kuliah sambil kerja, soalnya dia masih ada harapan pengen punya titel sarjana, sedangkan gue, pengen juga sih tapi nggak hari ini deh. Ayu cerita dosen Bahasa Inggris dia galak, tapi ganteng, soalnya bule gitu. Ya buat Ayu asal bule mah walau kerjaannya kuli bangunan juga dibilang ganteng sama dia. Gaga ini juga kayaknya ada keturunan bule, makanya Ayu mau.

Ayu bilang kalo nanti putus sama Gaga, dia mau gebet dosen Bahasa Inggrisnya ini. "kalo sampe lu beneran putus, lo sedih gak? Gaga kan baik dan tajir banget!" gue penasaran kenapa sampe Ayu menganggap hubungannya sama Gaga sesimpel dan segampang itu. "Ya sedih lah, tapi kalo jadi sama bule ini kan ada penggantinya, siapa tau gue dikawinin dan dibawa ke negara dia, BYE MUL" Ayu berkhayal ketinggian. Anehnya, semua khayalan dia jadi nyata. Gaga ini juga tadinya khayalan dia, temen kuliah yang tajir dan populer, yang ternyata suka party di tempat kami party, yang ternyata menganggap Ayu cantik dan pinter, akhirnya mereka beneran jadian kan. Canggih juga khayalan si Ayu. Sampe pernah gue minta dia khayalin gue dong biar dapet pacar tajir juga.

Nggak lama setelah dengerin deskripsi fisik bule kesukaan Ayu, Gaga dateng. Mereka bermesraan dari Gaga menyapa "hai, maaf ya aku lama, susah cari parkir" sampe masuk bioskop, sampe keluar studio bioskop, sampe salah satu masuk kamar mandi dan ditunggu di luar, sampe masuk mobil, sampe kita akhirnya berunding mau ke club mana malem ini.
"gue lagi males ke tempat biasa, boleh ngga liat temen gue main di klub sebelah?" tawar gue ke muda mudi kasmaran ini. Mereka sekilas saling lirik dan menengok dengan kompak ke gue yang duduk di belakang sampe hampir kepala mereka saling kejeduk. "klub sebelah?" mereka bertanya penuh tanya dan gue jadi bingung kenapa mereka jadi bertanya-tanya heran. "iya, emang kenapa? temen gue ada yang main di situ, opener pula. Kalo garing ya kita cabut aja, gimana?"

Sebagai third wheeler, gue tau gue ngga banyak bisa bikin decision. Tapi malem ini mungkin puncaknya gue merasa sepi jomblo terus dan harus jadi saksi miris kemesraan Ayu dan Gaga. Akhirnya gue buka kalender lagi dan nemu jadwal main temen gue yang baru jadi DJ di klub sebelah. Setelah mereka heran begitu, gue jadi heran balik sama heran mereka. "Mul, lo yakin mau ke klub sebelah? itu kan isinya ....." Gaga mengingatkan gue pada para mafia dan pengedar yang memang bermarkas di klub sebelah. Meskipun terlihat sangat elit dan berkelas dibanding klub yang biasa kami kunjungi, gue merasa sesekali sebaga third wheeler boleh lah pendapat gue didenger dan tantangan wajib dicoba: ke klub sebelah. Lagian capek juga gue harus selalu ngeliat mereka mesra-mesraan di depan gue. Hampir setiap malem.

"Mul tapi gue nggak mau lama-lama yah.."Ayu memperingatkan gue kayak emak yang anaknya baru beranjak Abege.
"iya rewel, lo kan pasangan, kenapa parno sih? Lagian kan kita bersih, santai deh!" Gue hanya membalas ketus
"ya bukan parno, gila! gue males aja dealing sama para orang gak jelas, yang ada bukan fun malah apes"
"kalo berdua mah fun terus kali, gue nih yang jomblo mustinya parno"
"Lo ngga mau sih Mul sama temen gue Ali" Gaga mengimbuhkan cambuk cambuk kejombloan yang bikin gue makin sakit, "Ali suka loh padahal sama lo, gue udah bilang bahwa lo jomblo dan suka tipe kayak Ali, dan dia mau deketin lo. Tapi elonya pasif gitu. Kenapa sih ngga mau Mul sama Ali?"
"karena gue maunya sama elo Ga" gue hanya bisa membatin menatap Gaga dari kaca spion, sambil menutupinya dengan "Ah, kegantengan Ga, gue minder"


***