Catatan Akhir Tahun

This year is emotionally whimsical to me. Absolutely wicked. Let's go through the yearly review again, yes!!! As an annual note, this might leave me missing some parts because, you know, not everything is worth recording, recalling, and sharing of course. Well anyway, these are the highlights!


January 2017
This new year's eve was the first words said by Skylar, our 7 month baby, and the word was "bababa" clearly. It was magical, beyond the fireworks sound and noise around our place that night. I think my January went very well as we also went to Singapore and I met some quality friends there, aside from the fact that life was still a new puzzle to solve for me. But it's okay, 2017 should be fine right.

February 2017
Juggling between becoming a mother and a working lady was hard, this isn't a lie and I am not exaggerating it. I was thinking to resign but the the projects at work were too cool (and important) to be missed. Anyhow, Skylar started to stand up by herself, while it was only her 9th month. I think this was quite amazing learning how quick she grew up, it was a mixed feelings of what a mother can feel, from what I have read and heard of course. The magical thing is I got to feel it myself, and yeah, it's amazing. We went to Malang to explore out of town experience and we decided to let go of my husband to work there the month after.

March 2017
After one LDR where he spent his time in Singapore as personal trainer, this month was another drill of having another LDR as he started to work at my dad's in Malang. I thought it wasn't that hard as it was only out of town, not country, what can happen? What happened was I missed him, and he got another job offer when he was there. Well, on his growing age, this wasn't that surprising right? I was quite supportive I guess as long as he can manage. I also did great things at work: MC-ing big events, and submitting my resignation letter. I KNOW, RIGHT!! This was surprising too for me. I finally decided to resign as I needed to set my priority: family's first.

April 2017
The month I officially only a part time lecturer and full time mother. IT WAS SO HARD. I got hit many times and it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Well I got over it anyway. On my defense, life as a mother was getting more excited as Skylar can walk!!! She started walking by herself this month when she was only 11 month. Yay! Can't wait to celebrate her birthday next month. I designed (mostly) everything alone, and it was fun.

May 2017
HAPPY BIRHTDAY SKYLAR!!! It was her first anniversary and so many people showed their love & wishes for us, it was a blissful day for me. I was more than grateful to have her and our family & friends surrounding us. Before her birthday, we had a quick trip to Malang to visit her dad and to have fun. It was a festive month for sure, although we didn't know what was coming. Anyway, Ramadan came so smooth with us being apart from each other; me & my husband, but okay, we went good.

June 2017
Our first lebaran trip!!! It was I think the most highlighted event & memory. We roadtrip from Jakarta to Pati and the trip was okay. We enjoyed our togetherness and I think it was the first time I felt fine not receiving any signal during my holiday there; my family was around me. So fine fine yes!

July 2017
Uh oh! Skylar was hospitalised for the second time after last 2016! She even got the seizure a week after our mudik trip. It was the most devastating moment in my life to see her hospitalised again. I really really hate to see her suffer. I'd rather me who's ill than her. We spent 3 days at the hospital before she was released. She recovered quite good and she learnt something new after her illness. I think this is how she grows. Me, Sky and my mum went to Brisbane for my brother's graduation. Finally he's graduating man! So cool to have a few breaks after the stressful time in Jakarta about Sky's sickness and all.

BRISBANE BABES

August 2017
This was also a remarkable month for me. My niece was born right after my father got some problem with his life. I think it's another weird mixed feelings I had to go through when two big contradicting events happening in my life. I learnt a dozen lessons from this month and I think this life is just getting weirder each day.

September 2017
I turned 29, and I was pregnant with my second baby. I know! I know! It was surprising as we didn't plan this, even my mother recommended an abortion! Man she's sick! I refused of course, I mean no way... My husband was done with his job in Malang as he started a new business with my graduating brother. So this was definitely a fresh start I thought. So here I am preparing a second child and (trying to) get excited about it. I also started a new class in a business school, which I was so excited about this! Teaching new thing to new students, how fun!

October 2017
The business my husband and brother running wasn't smooth as it wasn't thought well by my family. He decided to make his own gym and we took loan from here and there. It was quite a struggle until today, but we managed until today too. We proposed some things together, and mostly he planned the things. The new semester in LSPR was fun too following the semester in the business school. Everything was smooth as a mother and a lecturer.

November 2017
An emotional month. That's all I could type. (pause)

MUSEUM TRIP WITH LSPR BABES

I got into fight with my mother, for simple repetitive thing she kept asking me years ago which I have said yes to. Usually I only chilled and move on, but this time I think because I had too much on my plate that I lashed and scared my daughter away. I felt sorry afterwards but then I think the breakdown part was a necessary, it's like I had to explode to release all the tension. So I was fine after that, I just set a very hard border line between me and other things.


December 2017
TODAY. I have some plans for next year, a few more changes in life that will surprise me for sure, and you when I write another Catatan Akhir Tahun next year. :D Our gym will run starting January, hopefully, I'm moving out of the house, I'm starting a new project, I'm becoming a mother of two. YAY! Cannot wait for 2018, so nervous but yes, I'll get through it eventually right.

Cheerio everyone!!!

Why Don't We Go Back in Time and Ask What's Wrong?

"So this is very very rare. I got this from my mother's closet and I don't think she would like it if she found out I sort of stole this" I whispered to Emily, she looked amused and astounded at the same time.
"Wow! Is that really...." I nodded and she observed the object deeper and longer than she usually stared at my eyes, "do you think we really have to.... you know... sometimes I want to just let it go"
"No, Em, I know you don't. I know there are things you want to clear up too. I know that, for instance, night when I didn't come to your place when you said you got an accident, you're wondering why..." I was about to go on with more things I have left her stranded.

She started to cry.

I startled seeing her tears came out so much so quick.

"Umh, okay if you don't want to.. I'd just return this to my mother's....."

After all this time, it's still her happiness that I worry about the most. I confused myself too often about how miraculous her presence is that many other things in my life are less valuable to be taken account into.

On second thought, maybe I'm gonna travel back by myself. Without her knowing it, of course. But then... it's her whom I want to reveal the fact to. She has more questions than I do. She deserves more chances to be explained to about the things that has happened.

"It's okay Tom, honestly when I missed you so much, I really want to travel back in time. I really do. But it hasn't been like that lately. I don't miss you that much nowadays. I mean you're always around. I am quite content with how you have been around these days."

Am I supposed to be hurt when she finished that line? It means I have to be gone for her to miss me, doesn't' it? Is it a good thing she doesn't miss me because I am always with her? Lately?

"I am sorry, sometimes I hate to know how much you love me."

Why am I not bothered when she said that? What is wrong with me?

"No, Em, it's okay. I know I love you too much. I just wonder why it doesn't hurt me to know that you don't love me" I put back the object into my pocket and she rubbed my back very softly.
"I love you Tom. You just don't know. And yes, maybe you need to travel back to look into more details of how much I loved you in the past"

I turned around and say goodbye without looking at her. I think yes, I need to travel back and change her mind.

Setiap Malam Angkasa

"Yah, coba ceritakan lagi, seperti apa wajah anak kita?" Sekar berkata lembut setelah aku meletakkan Angkasa di tempat tidurnya di sebelah ranjang kami. Sambil menahan isakan tangis, aku menjawab, "oh, sebentar ya, aku ambil dulu anaknya biar kamu gendong sambil aku cerita" sambil beranjak ke arah pintu kamar dan meneteskan air dari mataku tanpa suara.

Ingatanku kembali ke dini hari saat Angkasa hendak keluar dari tempat bersemayamnya di rahim istriku. Dokter sudah mengingatkanku berbagai resikonya jika Sekar tetap melahirkan dengan proses normal. Aku sendiri ragu, dan sempat berpikir mau menerima pinjaman uang Pamanku untuk operasi caesar. Namun Sekar meyakinkanku lagi, bahwasanya jika Bumi bisa lahir dengan normal dan sempurna, maka adiknya pun pasti bisa. Dengan bekal keyakinan berpasangan, akhirnya Angkasa lahir pukul 7 pagi, dan meninggalkan tangisannya mengiringi terpejamnya mata ibunya.

Selama beberapa jam Sekar tidak sadarkan diri, dan saat ia buka lagi matanya, hanya tiga kata yang terdengar olehku, yang dengan lirih dia keluhkan "Sayang kok gelap?" Hatiku bercampur aduk. Kalimat berikutnya adalah racauan, amarah, rasa rindu pada anak keduanya, hingga dalam 24 jam akhirnya ia baru menerima dan paham bahwa ia kehilangan penglihatannya. Tiga hari di rumah sakit, setelah semua administrasi dan kondisi yang dinyatakan aman untuk pulang bagi Sekar dan Angkasa, kami kembali ke rumah.

Sekar memeluk Bumi erat, meminta maaf karena meninggalkannya beberapa hari, dan menceritakan tentang Angkasa, adik perempuannya yang mungil dan cantik. Bumi begitu bersemangat mendengar dan melihat Angkasa, hingga akhirnya ia tersadar "Ibu, lihat deh ini hasil prakarya dari kulit jeruk yang diajarkan di sekolah. Bagus kan?" Sekar meneteskan air mata tanpa mengubah arah pandang matanya yang memang kosong. Bumi lalu menunduk dan meminta maaf, "maaf Ibu.." ia sendiri seperti patah hati setiap mengingat ibunya tidak bisa melihat. Aku pun berkali lipat patah hatinya.

Angkasa sekarang sudah 6 bulan. Tangisannya tiap malam sudah berkurang jauh, seolah tau bahwa ibunya punya keterbatasan melayani manjanya bayi. Dan Angkasa seperti paham bahwa Ayahnya butuh istirahat juga.

"Sayang" kataku sambil meletakkan kepala Angkasa di lengan kirinya. Kepalanya mendekat menyambut tangannya yang mengankat wajah Angkasa untuk diciumnya. "matanya besar, alisnya tebal seperti alismu. Hidungnya...." aku berhenti sejenak sambil menarik tangannya menyentuh hidung Andkasa. Ruas telunjuknya aku selusuri ke atas hingga bawa hidung Angkasa "hidungnya persis Bumi waktu bayi dulu" aku berhasil menguasai air mataku sambil meneruskan "kamu tau? dia punya tanda lahir juga di leher belakangnya, seperti aku". Aku membiarkan Sekar mengelus kaki Angkasa. Dia tersenyum.

"Untung aku cuma kehilangan penglihatan ya Yah.."
"Hmm?" pikiran Jawa-nya yang hobby bersyukur dan ber-untung itu kadang membuatku geli
"Coba kalo aku kehilangan senyumku... kasian Angkasa ngga bisa liat ibunya yang manis ini" ia menjawab sambil menunjuk lesung pipitnya sendiri. Tawaku mau meledak namun kutahan.
"Ya, untung juga kamu nggak jadi bisu.. Jadi dia tau bahwa ibunya suka melucu" Aku mencium kening istriku penuh sayang dan hormat.

Setelah ibuku, Sekar adalah perempuan terkuat dan terhebat yang pernah kutemui. Setiap tangisnya membuat dia semakin kuat dan setiap tawanya membuat dia semakin cantik. Aku lupa kapan terakhir dia mengeluh. Aku hanya ingat saat Angkasa dan Bumi sama-sama batuk bulan lalu, dan kami berdua harus begadang 3 malam demi menjaga mereka. Aku yang penuh desah desuh kelelahan hanya dibalas dengannya "sabar Ayah, masih untung hanya 2 yang batuk. Kalo aku ikut batuk, siapa yang gendong aku ya?" sementara aku tau dia jauh lebih lelah dari aku. Kelakarnya menutupi semua kesedihan dan kelelahannya, dan hanya aku yang tau itu.

Sungguh, nikmat Tuhan yang mana yang bisa aku ingkari.

All Over Again. (part 4)

"Good morning baby! You're ready?" this morning I was being let go of driving Nash to school. Nash will have his Dad all day, and I was set free to do shopping, and I guess another meeting with Dusk.


"So, I see that you're so persistent about us. I'm just going to tell you now. I am pregnant." I finally got the moment after the laugh we shared over our colleagues in the office. He was, I think, between shocked, wandered, and waiting for me to say the "I'm joking" part. I didn't meet his expectation.
"What? How? I mean, again?"
"This is not yours, so sorry. So I guess this is it. I'm really sorry"

Dusk has never ever been that torn since our first break up. The comeback healed him and now I break him again. I think this time is the worst. He didn't say anything. After finishing his coffee, he just left, without even looking at me at all. I was broken too, I don't know how but I was broken too.

I went home feeling disastrous and the only thing that was relieving is Nash smile, and Sand's warm hug when I told him the good news. We were crying happily and Nash came out from his room hugging us too. It was the longest hug I have ever remembered having with them. Now I feel guilty too.


***

It's been a year now I think since the last time I saw Dusk. He moved immediately a few days after I told him that evening. Part of me felt relieved I didn't have to see him for some time. Part of me missed him. Honestly I have dreamt of him a couple of times lately, and this time I chose to think that he missed me instead of admitting that I missed him.

Sand was so much sweeter and more caring about me, Nash, and our baby girl. It's just that sad thing that I cannot hide. The sad thing of being blind.

Again, I'm trying to be positive and happy. Being blind means I don't have to deal with seeing horrible things, I don't have to see Dusk, literally see him.

Yes, I think it's good.

From: Unknown, To: Reality

Hanya Soal Waktu🎊

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat rumahmu akan sebersih dan serapih rumah2 dalam majalah2 yang sering kau irikan itu
Maka... nikmatilah setiap detik letihmu yang harus berpuluh kali membereskan kekacauan yang mereka buat

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat mereka tak mau lagi kau gandeng, peluk atau sekedar kau cium rambutnya
Maka... berbahagialah ketika mereka selalu membuntutimu kemanapun kakimu melangkah, meski kadang hal itu mengesalkanmu,
bagi mereka tak ada selainmu

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat kau tak lagi jadi si serba tahu dan tempat mengadu
Maka... bersabarlah dengan rentetan pertanyaan juga celoteh riang dari mulut mungil mereka yang kadang membuat dahimu mengernyit atau keasyikanmu terhenti

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat mereka mulai meminta kamarnya masing2 dan melarangmu mengutak atik segala rupa apa yang di dalamnya
Maka... tahan emosimu dari rengekan manja mereka saat minta kelon atau dongeng sebelum tidur ketika mata 5 wattmu juga meminta  haknya

Hanya soal waktu...
Saat mereka menemukan separo hatinya untuk selanjutnya membangun sarangnya sendiri...
Mungkin saat itu posisimu tak lagi sepenting hari ini
Maka... resapilah setiap mili kebersamaanmu dengan mereka selagi bisa

Karena tak butuh waktu lama menunggu kaki kecil mereka tumbuh menjadi sayap yang kan membawanya pergi menggapai asa dan cita

Kelak kau hanya bisa menengok kamar kosong yang hanya sekali dua akan ditempati penghuninya saat pulang...
Termangu menghirup aroma kenangan di dalamnya dan lalu tercenung "dulu kamar ini pernah begitu riuh dan ceria"
Dan kau begitu merindukannya

Kelak kau akan sering menunggu dering telepon mereka untuk sekedar menanyakan "apa kabarmu ibu"?
Dan kau akan begitu bersemangat menjawabnya dengan cerita-cerita tak penting hari ini

Kelak kau akan merindukan acara memasak makanan kegemaran mereka dan merasa sangat puas saat melihat hasil masakanmu tandas di piring mereka

Janganlah keegoisanmu hari ini akan membawa sesal di kelak kemudian hari
Kau takkan pernah bisa memundurkannya sekalipun sedetik untuk sekedar sedikit memperbaikinya

Karena waktu berjalan...
Ya... ia berlari...
Tidak.... ia terbang...
Dan dia tak pernah mundur kembali

All Over Again. (part 3)

It's late. Probably will finish this later, besides I also have to take Nash to school tomorrow morning.

Sand texted me this morning and I hadn't had any chance to reply. Now I feel like I have to.
"Hey, sorry just finished with everything now. I'll see you tomorrow?"
He was still up there.
"Pick me up? I'm taking you to a quick date near airport, my friend's just opened his cafe"
Yes! He always knows what I like, coffee and books. He always surprises me with unpredictable things; being better than Dusk, and being more thoughtful than anyone. I always flashback to our first meeting in Berlin that evening, I was so impressed by his paintings, which turned out to be only a side hobby. I couldn't believe it so we grabbed some cups of coffee to explain to me and convince me that he wasn't (only) artistic, but (also) kind and mature.

"I'm sorry for your loss. But like, more sorry for his loss of losing you" he made a very sad joke about me breaking up with Dusk. That joke, and other coffee jokes, and other relationship jokes. It was one of the hardest days that I have had since my father passed away a couple of years back. That evening was the shortest yet the longest meeting I have ever had with someone new like Sand. Sand was so common yet so unique, oh I wish I had a word to describe him. Actually thinking of writing a book about Sand, but I'll save it for later, because it will be another story then. Sand was so comforting and he filled the gap. He cured, and he was a major distraction.


"That's okay, I remembered but forgot that quotes about meeting someone who will make you realise why the last one didn't work, or something, if you know what I mean" I said that on our twentieth date, and I have decided to fall in love with Sand, and his silly jokes, and his outbursts and his perseverance, especially regarding our relationship.
"I may not the perfect, not even the better version of any guys you have dated, but tomorrow, I will show you that everything is going to be okay" he tried to calm me down on one day before our wedding day. I was as nervous as him, but he handled it way better than me.
"On our fifth anniversary, remind me to buy you a flower please" I said randomly to thank him for his effort.


***
"This one looks decent for an anniversary" Dusk pull out a white rose from the vase.
"Stop sabotaging my relationship, for God's sake!" I laughed and moved on the the other flowers, without asking his approval I went to the cashier and paid for it.
"You are always a lousy gift-getter"
"I don't care, this one is very special to us and I want to pick it myself" I just rolled my eyes on how he laughed at my flowers. He hugged me from his side and his arms was all around my shoulder and neck. His perfume has never changed, and I couldn't believe it has been over 7 years now, his perfume. "I am faithful, mostly to anything" his defended his perfume choice when I complained a few months ago.


***
"Happy anniversary!!" Sand got me a brand new mirrorless camera. I found out he ran over my browser history and looked at my wishlist in an online shop. You wouldn't believe what I felt that night. It was a combination between guilt, pain, anger, joy, relief, and numb at the same time. I was the worst. "And this is to our seventh year of togetherness, and forever to go" he raised his glass and gave me the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
"Your smile is one of the best things in my life" I raised my glass to and kiss him deeply.
"I love you" Sand always looks into my eyes when he says that. Always.

All Over Again. (part 2)

"You're late again, Mum." Nash welcomed me with a very frown face, I felt very guilty, I said "I had to see Dusk I'm sorry honey. Do you wanna get some ice cream now? Been a long time we don't hang out in that place again near the subway" I tried to sound excited and hoped to make him cheer up a bit. I worked I guess, he grabbed my hand and we walked together to the carpark.

"When is Dad home this week, Mum?"
"Umm.. I think Friday, but he's gonna stay until the end of this month" again, I hoped to cheer him up more after being away from his Dad for almost three weeks now. He wasn't interested, but he told me his plan that we had to agree, "I want to go to the art museum and the sea world next week"
"Sure boss, we're ready for wherever you want us to go!" he smiled, and he went on telling me the whole story at school today.

He said he met a new classmate from Orlando, she was sweet, her name is Lizzy. I was interested too when he told me that his lunch box fell but the food wasn't contaminated because the new box I got him was very tight. He cheered me like no one else has ever before, I think he got that charm since he was born, since I held him in my arms on the first day we met. So far, he has taught me true love, the one I thought was when I said my wedding vow.

"Mum, on mother's day next month, we are going to make a photo competition at school. It's you and me, and I want to use the poloid camera you got. Do you still have it?" I was snapped from the memory of bathing him the first time, I laughed "You mean polaroid? yes, I still have it and we'll have Dad take our picture!" I sincerely got excited because I also fancy Mother's Day, "Do you have to wear any costume? We can match each other if you want?" I wanted to make it special too.
"No, that's okay, we just lay around at the park and Dad will shoot us from above like Beany the Rabbit" He referred to his favourite bedtime story book cover.

I personally liked that one too, Beany the Rabbit. Dusk got me when we visited the Shambles. I didn't get why he chose that out of so many second and classic books he could get for himself and me. Yet, I kept it. I thought it was a useful one, if not for gift, it would make a good memorabilia.

I remember the day I bought that book home and my mother was surprised I had that. I said "Dusk got it for me, and I don't know why, Mum, please don't make this one a big deal"
"No, no big deal, I have always liked him, he is thoughtful, so kind and this, unique, unpredictable you know. I think he's a keeper" Mum pull that book out of the box I packed from Uni and put the book on the living room display desk. We had that desk back home to put pictures or souvenirs from out of town from relatives. I just didn't know that children story book was included in that category.

"If he wasn't gonna come with you, then you should just leave him. Or you know, I can speak for you if you want, just to make him think clearer that you are waiting for him to answer the invitation" when I got the offer from Berlin, mother was so excited and too excited about my relationship too with Dusk. Not only she loved him, I think she was madly obsessed with him, and it got me so weak. I said no. "Mum, I have asked him, and he said no, he wouldn't come with me, he'd rather wait"

It broke my mother's heart.
I think until Sand came, or at least until Nash came.

It's You

I don't know if you will one day read this or not.
I just want to let you know that..

there are nights when I thank God for closing some doors - the doors with you in it, the doors with you in my head, the doors with your name on it, and the doors of hope you and I are going to work

and opening the other doors - blissful life I'm living, amazing people I am surrounded with, the mental health I experienced, and the amazing things that has happened to me because you ARE NOT around.

I thank God for showing me the closed door before, so I know what I am thankful about.
I am glad I have been hurt, so I know how to not hurt people.
And I am glad we are over, so I am sure you are not that one I had been wishing for.

Thanks

more to come

NO. I CANNOT KEEP THIS TO MYSELF.

I'm taking a break from being-a-mom posts! This is me!

www.eatvacation.com

this is me.
and this is me.

My first time ever interviewing a legend and got featured in main article of an online magazine!
Check this one out: WWW.EATVACATION.COM

and yeah. that's all. thanks.

A Simple Motherhood Reminder

Last weekend, I went two days straight only with mu husband.
Where? Nowhere significant; a movie date, wedding reception and a day out in campus.

Saturday.
We watched Spiderman Homecoming, and I decided to use my simple bag without baby stuff in it. I didn't check what was inside until I sat nicely at a 'sweetbox' seat - a seat for couples in a cinema, and opened my bag to reach my phone. I was shocked it was so empty but only purse, one lipstick, a hand sanitizer, a body lotion and a pantyliner. Then I realised this was my just-married bag, the one I used when we just got married and I was still full of myself back then. I didn't need to carry any diapers, clothes, bibs, baby powder, and minyak telon. I didn't have toys in it, I didn't even have wet AND facial tissue. I was so... simple, light & alone.
At night after the movie, we went to a relative's wedding. I didn't bring my bag at all. Even my phone was dead and I left everything in the car. All I held was my husband's hand. That's all.
I realised without baby I was so carefree, easy & alone with my husband.

Sunday.
It was a halal bihalal day at work. I went with my husband only and quite content he woke up very early on a Sunday. I brought the same bag like yesterday, but this time I decided to put something more so it doesn't feel so weird. Again, it was still empty enough compared to what I have always been carrying for the past 12 months. I didn't know a year could mean so much to my life. On our way home, I managed not to open the souvenir I got from the event. I said "ini buat Sky kan dia suka kado kadoan". Then I realised I was so into her. I was reminded of her most of the times and I couldn't imagine if she wasn't here.

If it wasn't Skylar, I wonder who waited for me at home.
If it wasn't for her, who would I bring things home for.
If it wasn't because of her, what was my many reasons to... stay alive, stay challenged, and stay sober.

I realised that beyond the carefree life, the light bag, and the simple packing list, there is a baby who needs me so much without realising it. There is this innocent human being who started to run each time she sees me come home from work. There is this little monster who bites and kisses after. There is this pretty angel whom God gives as my life purpose.

So I chose to be a mother -bring all her stuff inside my bag, carry her around with or without stroller, and outpour my personal stuff so I could squeeze her stuff- rather than being alone.

Just A Casual Motherly Day

Hari ini seharian full sama Sky. dari dia bangun sampe dia tidur lagi.
Rasanya......
Indescribable.

Bersyukur punya mama yang supportive banget, dan bersyukur punya bayi yang cooperative banget.
Enak banget rasanya bisa spend the whole day with my loved ones.
It's always something I treasure.
I still have tomorrow to spend all day with Sky.
Sebelum Jumat kembali lagi jadi kuli yang ngga jelas.

I pray to God always give my baby health & happiness.

All Over Again.

"marry me?"
After a sip I almost spilled the whole cup of tea hearing that, "I'm sorry what?"
"you heard me, I want you to marry me, leave him and move with me"
I closed  and opened my eyes repetitiously, "are you out of your mind? I am married! And I have three kids from my husband!" now I rolled my eyes and scan the air.
Where did he get all this madness? Why so sudden? What now?

"We both know you're not happy" he kept telling me this but now it's in other phrase
"I am happy with my life, what makes you think I'm not?" I'm confused with his deduction
"You barely see him, he barely touches you, I know you love me more!" he got more confident just when I started staring at him seriously
"No you don't know that, I lo... " I paused and got angry a bit,"I can't marry you, you're insane!"
"Come on you only see him like what?" I opened my mouth in shock right when he continued, "once a week? How is that even love? You've been with me all this long and we have so much in common, I can tell you are happier with me."
"Hang on! You have no idea how my relationship is with him. I am content and happy with my family." I managed to keep the wording normal.
"then why are we doing this? Why are you seeing me?"

I was puzzled a moment, I wanted to say all the crazy things inside my head but I held on. Instead, "What's going on? Where did this come from? I see you because you're my friend, we work together and..."
"and you love me!" he just cut perfectly
"I do!" I really wanted to slap him in the face, "I always have, because we are friends, then and now. But I can't marry you, you know we can't be together"
"I can't do this. I think I'm leaving." weirdly he laid back and rested his head backward. He wasn't sound angry. I think it was a desperation.

I shook my shoulders and wondered what's in his mind. "You're leaving?" he nodded, "again?" I wasn't sure if what he said was what he meant.
"What do you mean again? It was you who left me!" He raised his voice
"I did?" I also raised mine, "Let's rewind! You cannot turn the table and blame me for what we are now. You were the one who said you weren't ready back then. And you let me go!"
"And you're supposed to wait until I could convince you. But you what? You did not wait, you married someone else!"
"Because you didn't ask me to stay." I ended his argument, " and you let me go, you barely defended our relationship. Yet now I am still with you, we are working together, but I just cannot be with you the way you want it. And when you say you're leaving, you will come back and act like nothing has happened, and start all over again with me. You know what, you play me. All this time."
"I just want to be with you, that's it" he looked at me in the eyes deeply and I started to get clumsy. As always.
"I have to pick up Nash at school. So I'll talk to you when you're better" I picked my bag and left him with his own thought. Again.

the 10 years ago ME talking to present ME

2007
Whats it motherhood like? I bet it feels amazing.
I look up to my mom, and other moms, and I see that they are amazing.
They struggle in pain, happiness, tears, anger and hunger, yet they survived.

My mom.
Well, I don't know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. I'm still dating this bad boy and my life is an adventure. I start to believe that marriage sucks, I have to surrender myself to a stranger, a man who does not deserve me, a boy who will rule this and that for me, someone who barely knows me; an imam. Oh cliche.

Motherhood.
Can I be a mom without getting married? Technically can. Socially not.
I can imagine the amazingness of being a mother. Raising my child and giving the best of me.
Will my child need a father? Well, I need my father, so yes I guess my child will need a father.
I just know that my mother maybe does not need my father. Weird.

Anyway, that's still too far.
I have to focus on this assignments and exams first before all that complicated life stage. I still want to wander around, meet people and going to places. I guess yes motherhood is on bucketlist, but I'll think about the technical stuff later.

THE PRESENT ME
Oh Hey!!
I never knew you would be a mother by now!
I never doubt your capability of loving, you were always the dumb and loving one, so yeah you'd love your child unconditionally of course I know that.
I just didn't think you finally chose this path and be this mature/
I never guessed you would be brave enough to be a real mom WITH A HUSBAND.
You never wanted a husband, but now you have one. And funnily you LIKED him.
How is motherhood?
Is it as amazing as you imagined it when you were still single?
Man, you have that patience, and YOU ARE AGING.
Look at those wrinkles, well slight, but they are there I can see. Ew. You okay?
You wear dress more now, and you only have 3 pairs of jeans now! Dibs!
What? Do you cook now? Does your husband like it?
Your baby, look!! A BABY! She is very very adorable.
Did you have C-sect? Was it as painful as you talked about when you were in college?
Who was there with you when you gave birth to your daughter?
Aw your parents must be soo happy and content. I just really really don't remember when you planned about getting married and be a wife. Do you still work? Can you bath your baby?
CAN YOU FEED OR BREASTFEED HER? I mean you were so skinny, do you have milk?

HAHAHAHAHAHAH sorry I just didn't know I would be like who you are now.
I still have a million more questions from my age to you. But I'll save it for you to answer it yourself.
Enjoy!



***to be continued***

Home

You know what home is?
Home is wherever and whenever I'm with you.

Singapore Botanical Garden

Changi Airport, 2017

Motherhood 101

It's Skylar's 9th month now.
People have been saying this and that.
People have been judging here and there.
People have been telling on what and how.

You know what I'm gonna do?
Whatever works.

I love you Skylar.

The Last Day of January

It started to rain as I just sat back on my comfortable couch, typing my next blog post as a report of my travel journey. Yes, I am a traveller. I gave up college for travelling. Daddy said I'm crazy but I don't care. I used my money for travelling. This evening the sky is beautifully dark, so is my travel story.

I went to Neverbotherland.
It's a small village near an archipelago. I found its name so weird and that's why I went there. I stayed with local, to explore better and to save money. The weather was very nice back there, it was windy but not too cold. I over-brought my coat I guess. The food was okay, plain but okay. From where I come from, spice is a must in cooking, but in Neverbotherland, it was all plain. But that's okay, I always think local food is another experience I should never complain about. Travelling is about learning to adapt yourself to what is not your usual things. Only three days in that house, Nomi's, and I think it was the most interesting place I have visited (considering this is just January lol). Nomi was very friendly but quiet. She listens to my story and asks a lots of questions that make me tell her more. I think she's a bit investigative, but in a fun way. I like her.

Nomi took me to an old castle where the legend of that village began. The history made no sense to me, but hey, history always does, doesn't it? I just took pictures of that castle, very old castle. We ended up in traditional restaurant where we took off our shoes before we got inside and we were served by a very old lady. Her cooking was somehow a bit different than the local food which I thought was plain. Her cooking was very nice with enough spice, different than my own spice but still, it was not plain obviously. Nomi took me to beer place near that traditional restaurant and we drank the local beer, made of grapefruit and lime. The owner was Nomi's geography teacher who turned into a wine-man, and we discussed a lot about interesting places to travel. Nomi herself never really travelled. She was very knowledgeable because of tourists like me who stayed in her place. She must be very imaginative and clever to actually have so many knowledges in her head by now.

We went around some other tourist sites and the day 4 before I left, Nomi handed me a unique photo picture with a dried leaf inside it. She said it's her souvenir for every guest who stays in her place. "You may throw the leaf and put a picture on it if you like, I don't have any magic or spell on that leaf anyway" and she laughed elegantly. I shook her hand and wish her a good bye.



Nomi.
She's around early twenties. She has long thick hair and pale skin. She didn't finish her school because her parents passed away on the same week right the day of her graduation day from high school. They left her with a house to be run for, she chose to become a host for traveller. She was very keen registering herself in here and there website or tourist and travel agent. She also became the member of world's airbnb association, just to get a coverage about her place and be promoted among exotic destinations travellers.

I was one of those travellers she aimed. And she got me, as her place was the only available airbnb near city centre, or should I call it village centre. Neverbotherland has only 1000 population, so no wonder Nomi's competition was very thin and everyone knows everyone.  A few hotels offer a very luxurious package with their rooms, they also offer tour and travel service that I cannot afford. So I chose Nomi, not only because hers is cheap but also I got the opportunity to experience Neverbotherland from the local point of view. Another experience money can't buy.

Nomi reads book and articles, as well as news. She enrich herself to be able to compete with those hotels and their interesting offers. She does not want to lose the market interest, hence she made her own target market. She attracted travellers with her simplicity, her kindness and friendliness. I told you she's friendly but quiet.

She taught me that people want to be listened. People loved to be asked. And at the end people want to be appreciated for what they have done or gone through in their lives.

People need people like Nomi.
And Nomi told me, people love sunset.

Life of a Third Wheeler

Kenalin, nama gue Mulya, 22 tahun, tinggal di Jakarta. Karena gue anak daerah yang lagi mengais rejeki dan memperjelas jati diri, gue ngekost di daerah Jakarta Pusat. Katanya biar deket kemana-mana. Padahal yang namanya Jakarta sedeket apapun tetep jauh rasanya karena cuma deket doang tapi ngga jadian. Eh. Maksudnya deket doang tapi macetnya ampun ampunan.

Temen sekamar gue, sesama anak daerah, namanya Ayu. Pacarnya borju gile, hampir tiap malem kami party dibayarin sama si Gaga ini. Well, katanya sih Gaga ini anaknya pejabat tingga daerah Indonesia Timur. Gaga tinggal sama ibu tirinya di Jakarta, dan ibu kandungnya sama bapak kandungnya di rumah dinas di Timur sana. Nggapapa lah, gue sih ngga begitu peduli sama keluarga orang, yang penting Gaga baik suka traktir minum dan anter kami pulang.

Malem ini, seperti biasa, Gaga dan Ayu akan pacaran dulu di bioskop sebelum party nanti.
"Lu mau ikut ga nonton? Gaga dapet 1 tiket gratis dari bank nih" Ayu bersuara dari kamar mandi kecil kami. Gue yang memang udah mandi dari sore tapi ngga jelas mau kemana, akhirnya setuju ikutan jadi third wheel setelah Ayu bilang filmnya horor. Yes, gue suka film horor. Di tempat asal gue, segala sesuatunya dikaitkan dengan mistis dan mitos, jadilah kalo ada hal berbau horor dan gaib sedikit, gue langsung semangat.

Sampe di bioskop, gue dan Ayu pake baju yang memang agak ketat dilapis jaket. Maklum mau lanjut party kan abis ini, jadi biar praktis tinggal copot aja jaket kami. Sebelum Gaga dateng, Ayu curhat soal kuliahnya. Iya Ayu ini masih kuliah sambil kerja, soalnya dia masih ada harapan pengen punya titel sarjana, sedangkan gue, pengen juga sih tapi nggak hari ini deh. Ayu cerita dosen Bahasa Inggris dia galak, tapi ganteng, soalnya bule gitu. Ya buat Ayu asal bule mah walau kerjaannya kuli bangunan juga dibilang ganteng sama dia. Gaga ini juga kayaknya ada keturunan bule, makanya Ayu mau.

Ayu bilang kalo nanti putus sama Gaga, dia mau gebet dosen Bahasa Inggrisnya ini. "kalo sampe lu beneran putus, lo sedih gak? Gaga kan baik dan tajir banget!" gue penasaran kenapa sampe Ayu menganggap hubungannya sama Gaga sesimpel dan segampang itu. "Ya sedih lah, tapi kalo jadi sama bule ini kan ada penggantinya, siapa tau gue dikawinin dan dibawa ke negara dia, BYE MUL" Ayu berkhayal ketinggian. Anehnya, semua khayalan dia jadi nyata. Gaga ini juga tadinya khayalan dia, temen kuliah yang tajir dan populer, yang ternyata suka party di tempat kami party, yang ternyata menganggap Ayu cantik dan pinter, akhirnya mereka beneran jadian kan. Canggih juga khayalan si Ayu. Sampe pernah gue minta dia khayalin gue dong biar dapet pacar tajir juga.

Nggak lama setelah dengerin deskripsi fisik bule kesukaan Ayu, Gaga dateng. Mereka bermesraan dari Gaga menyapa "hai, maaf ya aku lama, susah cari parkir" sampe masuk bioskop, sampe keluar studio bioskop, sampe salah satu masuk kamar mandi dan ditunggu di luar, sampe masuk mobil, sampe kita akhirnya berunding mau ke club mana malem ini.
"gue lagi males ke tempat biasa, boleh ngga liat temen gue main di klub sebelah?" tawar gue ke muda mudi kasmaran ini. Mereka sekilas saling lirik dan menengok dengan kompak ke gue yang duduk di belakang sampe hampir kepala mereka saling kejeduk. "klub sebelah?" mereka bertanya penuh tanya dan gue jadi bingung kenapa mereka jadi bertanya-tanya heran. "iya, emang kenapa? temen gue ada yang main di situ, opener pula. Kalo garing ya kita cabut aja, gimana?"

Sebagai third wheeler, gue tau gue ngga banyak bisa bikin decision. Tapi malem ini mungkin puncaknya gue merasa sepi jomblo terus dan harus jadi saksi miris kemesraan Ayu dan Gaga. Akhirnya gue buka kalender lagi dan nemu jadwal main temen gue yang baru jadi DJ di klub sebelah. Setelah mereka heran begitu, gue jadi heran balik sama heran mereka. "Mul, lo yakin mau ke klub sebelah? itu kan isinya ....." Gaga mengingatkan gue pada para mafia dan pengedar yang memang bermarkas di klub sebelah. Meskipun terlihat sangat elit dan berkelas dibanding klub yang biasa kami kunjungi, gue merasa sesekali sebaga third wheeler boleh lah pendapat gue didenger dan tantangan wajib dicoba: ke klub sebelah. Lagian capek juga gue harus selalu ngeliat mereka mesra-mesraan di depan gue. Hampir setiap malem.

"Mul tapi gue nggak mau lama-lama yah.."Ayu memperingatkan gue kayak emak yang anaknya baru beranjak Abege.
"iya rewel, lo kan pasangan, kenapa parno sih? Lagian kan kita bersih, santai deh!" Gue hanya membalas ketus
"ya bukan parno, gila! gue males aja dealing sama para orang gak jelas, yang ada bukan fun malah apes"
"kalo berdua mah fun terus kali, gue nih yang jomblo mustinya parno"
"Lo ngga mau sih Mul sama temen gue Ali" Gaga mengimbuhkan cambuk cambuk kejombloan yang bikin gue makin sakit, "Ali suka loh padahal sama lo, gue udah bilang bahwa lo jomblo dan suka tipe kayak Ali, dan dia mau deketin lo. Tapi elonya pasif gitu. Kenapa sih ngga mau Mul sama Ali?"
"karena gue maunya sama elo Ga" gue hanya bisa membatin menatap Gaga dari kaca spion, sambil menutupinya dengan "Ah, kegantengan Ga, gue minder"


***