It has been six week since the pandemic.

They call it Covid-19, I call it full of shit self-quarantine. Sorry it's harsh, because my life is too.
For the past six weeks we are advised to keep ourselves in distant with anyone, ANYONE basically. The idea is absurd, the whole system, the outbreak, the coverage, and the circumstances are absurd. Believe me, there is one thing that is not: my COVID19 story.

It's been six weeks that I am seeing this guy, and it's the most marvellous journey for the past 2 years for me. After the whole rollercoaster life-phase I had to go through, I met someone who, surprisingly, managed to put up with my down times at most of our interactions. He saw me broke down, he saw me angry, & he saw me in the worst version of me: being indecisive. If I were him, I would definitely runaway from our second date. Disastrous moody me. But he stayed. And I don't know how.

I know why, though, he is longing for someone to rely on. He is having another life-crisis and meeting someone who is like him but different gender is tantalising. He's fired up and challenged with everything about us; how we talk, how we think, how we see life, how we survived our last hardship in our family.

We have our challenge, and we are facing it: our gap. Age, financial, social status & mental condition. We are four years apart age-wise, I am older and more tired than him maybe. Financially, I make more money than him, let alone our family background. I am a divorcee, and he is a carefree single man. Mentally, I am seeking for remedy for my broken soul, and he is so prepared to settle down.

Are those gaps for you? I think they are for me, yet so far he always believes and convinces me that nothing is impossible if we wight for it, together. TOGETHER. That's the term I barely believe and am always so sarcastic towards. What does togetherness mean? I've had moments of togetherness and it's not always my greatest element. There are days I'd rather be alone.

Some days, I'd rather be alone and be a single fighter. Those days are the ones I feel I am strong and independent. Until socially it's wrong and risky. It's full of depiction and judgement. It's full of suspicion and protection.

Some nights, I'm so confused about life. Having no one to lean on and to ask question to is lonely and sad. Those are the nights I think I need a pillow-talk before I shut my eyes and be sure that tomorrow will be better. But then that means I am sharing my life and vulnerability to someone else, again. It's the fearful nights I end up crying or just praying for hours.

It's not always easy for me to be a divorcee with two kids. There are so many things that I need to consider and I only have my own shoulders to lean on. I only have myself to trust and manage. Whenever I want to share thoughts or just some rants, I stare at the wall, my bathroom wall and say the whole thing to it. Sad, isn't it? But that's the safest thing I could do, avoiding another harm to myself and my heart.

It's going to be a hard journey, the past six weeks has proven it. I don't see it as something easy, but I can tell maybe, only maybe, I can enjoy it. I don't know. This is usually the second where I just shrug it off and bring your name in my 1/3 night awakening. Well, I always will.

(Tuesday, 28 April 2020 - 21:37 Jakarta time)

Di Balik Frasa "Kan Ada Aku"

WELCOME TO MY BLOG.
How did you arrive here? I think it's Instagram, or perhaps the thing we talked about that night?
Yes, it's gonna be in English this time, because I don't always do things the way I said them; Indonesian title and English content. It's what's wrong with me.

Someone came to me telling random topics that I loved to talk about. I got into deep in the conversation and find this person interesting. There might be one or two times I hit it off, but this person might not notice. Or maybe they did, but they just didn't wanna get lost and focus on that. That's normal.

Our relationship went very well and we connect most of the times; any jokes, any things, any ideas and any places we always met. I think I read something about that; a chemistry. Well, I was a language student. Linguistic was my expertise, and all I know, ontologically, chemistry belongs in science class. So basically I suck bad times at chemistry. So maybe I am wrong to label it chemistry. Maybe it was just -what social people say- a fling. And as a language person, I call it..... phrase.

Oh, yeah, go ahead, Google what 'phrase' means. You'll see it's something philosophically language stuff.

Anyway.
Our relationship went okay. We agreed on the phrase "kan ada aku" whenever each of us needs a shoulder to lean on, or a pair of ears to listen, or a couple of eyes to stare at when we are in doubt. That phrase is what we hold on to, "kan ada aku".

We grew dependently. I basically call this person on daily basis for stupid things, as well as the important decisions I have to make. FYI, I called this person once just to ask him what colour should we use for bathroom tiles in my new flat. I also called this person to confirm if one of the legislative members in our government system was really gay.

This person does the same. This person once called me just to help him decide what cereal is better; frutty loops or granola. One day I received a call when the boss in the office asked them out and whether this person should say yes or decline it. It was a huge decision we both made for each other. We let it slip under the phrase of "kan ada aku".

Until one day,
"Salah satu cewek yang dulu aku pernah deketin, sekarang hamil. Dan dia minta aku tanggung jawab"
"....."
"Please aku nggak siap buat nikahin dia, karena it was a one night stand, and I honestly don't believe that it is my baby"
"....."
"Aku nggak kebayang Papa Mamaku akan hancur seperti apa kalo aku bawa kabar ini ke mereka. Aku juga masih ada kontrak dinas dengan kantor sampe taun depan. Aku bingung"
"....."
"Aku harus gimana ya?"
"Hmm..."
"Please...."

For the first time in our long term relationship, I didn't have the guts to say "kan ada aku". Inside me, I wanted to scream "well what the fuck?" This isn't a rare and new thing for me. Neither for this person. We are very familiar to this issue; stupid one night stand sex. SO STUPID.

Since that night, I think at least until the month after, we haven't heard anything from each other. It was the coldest month for me. I removed some names and some quick dial numbers, just to restrain myself from calling anyone especially this person. I stared blankly at the ceiling each night, remembering what went wrong that one of us actually had sex with someone else while we had each other. What went wrong?

It's the third month we haven't talked to each other. We don't cross path in any ways, and this person didn't even call me or check me up. The third month, I managed to not search this person's name on internet, and I guess this person managed to do the same. One night this person knocked on my flat.

"Maaf ya sempet ilang.. aku boleh masuk?"
"Yes, please"

Honestly I was numb. I didn't know how to act or what to say. I only looked down to the floor waiting for this person to drop the main purpose of coming to me on our third month away.

"Kamu marah ya?"
"Enggak sih... cuma bingung aja harus gimana dan ngomong apa. How are you?"
"You know, dia bilang itu bukan anakku. I was relieved for a while, tapi takut juga"
"Out of all the things we have shared and told each other, aku nggak kepengen denger ini dan gimana terusannya. Aku pikir kamu akan nikahin dia, makanya aku juga nggak cari atau kontak kamu"
"Kenapa?"
"Maybe because we need to stop seeing each other"
"Just because I knocked someone up?"
"Yes?"

We stayed in silent for quite some minutes. This person came to me closer and held my hand. I refused and sat back. My chin was lifted and this person stared my eyes.

"I met her on Tinder..."
I didn' t want to hear further, I shut my eyes, but the story was continued.
"We met in a bar, had some drinks and both lost it. We went to my place and it happened. I wore my protection, and was quite sure I was safe."
"I really don't want to and don't need to hear this, please. Ini bukan urusanku"
"She left immediately that night, we did not stay til the morning. We still texted the days after, tapi lalu aku bosan dan merasa, I am not that into her. There was no more sex or meeting up"
I stayed silent, closed my eyes tighter hoping I don't have mental image of this person with me.
"I was so broken that night. Tau nggak kenapa?"

I finally opened my eyes and stared back at this person, questioning the hypothetical statement and started to become angry. I remember very well the date this person mentioned and the moment he described. We had a nice dinner in our friend's new restaurant, we talked about the new car Toyota was launching and we had disagreement on how the marketing should be done in our country. It was a silly debate as usual. So now when this person said that they were "so broken" I started to stare him back and yell inside my head "because you're a dick! You're an irresponsible asshole and you just suck at handling women!" Before I could even open my mouth, he continued "karena kamu nggak mau jadi pacarku"

"What the fuck?"
My hands were locked in this person's. I couldn't resist his face and hands.
"How the fuck did you put me in this crazy loophole when you just couldn't control your stupid dick?"
"No, ini bukan salah kamu. Aku juga nggak mau drag you down to this shit. But it's true. It's one thing that leads to another, but the base cause is because I have fallen for you. And it strikes me so bad I wanted to have you. I wanted us to not be just "kan ada aku" partner. I wanted us to be a real partner for each other. I love you, and maybe that's what's wrong."
"Go!"
I stood up and ask this person to go away, I stood up and opened the door. I said I didn't want to meet this person again.
This person left.

It's me again with my indecisiveness. It's me again with unmatched things I say and I do.
It's me again breaking the phrase I made for myself. It's me again losing another person only because.....

"Eh, kita kan udah lama nih jalan bareng, pake frase kan ada aku setiap saat.."
"hmm, terus?"
"Aku ngerasa.. seneng aja setiap sama kamu, bahkan saat kamu lagi menyebalkan sekali, atau bahkan saat kita lagi saling berantem nggak jelas... aku selalu seneng jalanin itu sama kamu"
"okay... and then?"
"Would you be my official girlfriend? I don't want to lose you"
"Wait, what do you mean you don't want to lose me? Selama ini aku bukan your girlfriend and you never lose me. Why don't we keep it this way?"
"Tuh kan, selalu deh nggak fokus sama masalah intinya.. Nggak mood aku"
"Masalah intinya kamu lebay. You know I am not going anywhere"
"No, I am gonna lose you if I don't make you my girlfriend"
"That's bullshit. It's not gonna happen!"
"Apa yang not gonna happen? You becoming my girlfriend atau you are not gonna leave me?"
"Dude, seriously? What the hell is wrong with you? We were okay now and then, why are you ruining this?"
"What is wrong WITH YOU? I am asking if you want to be my girlfriend, dan kamu kemana-mana bahasannya tanpa jawab jelas pertanyaan dan permintaanku!"
"I can't believe this"
then we both left the place in anger.

Now it's me again being me; distracted & confused.
Now I am sleeping on the bed I made; I never mean what I say. And I never do what I say.
I am so stupid, lost and confused.

Sebuah Analogi

Ngejalanin dan mperjuangin cinta kita ini berat. Besar, dan berat. Ibarat kotak televisi LED 50 inchi yang masih berisi. Tapi terus, aku ketawa. Sudah lama nggak berurusan dengan cinta, karena sepertinya itu benda usang yang kurang cocok denganku. Entah karena aku terlalu tua, entah karena aku terlalu lelah.

Sore itu kamu bilang cinta. Aku bingung mau jawab apa, karena sudah lupa rasanya dan bentuknya. Sore itu kamu bilang sayang. Aku bingung, kamu siapa?
Orang bilang waktu itu relatif, kalo buatku cinta itu relatif. Relatif seberapa niat dan kuat kita menyatakan, menyadari, menjalankan, dan memperjuangkan. Kayak pejuang ya? Berjuang.

Ingat kata berjuang, aku selalu mengasosiasikan diriku dengan banyak hal: bangun pagi untuk pergi mengajar, begadang untuk menjaga anak-anakku, menembus sel penjara menemui Bapakku, atau sekedar membuka mata mendengarkan tutorial menu masakan untuk suamiku. Dulu. Itu berjuang bukan, sih? Bukan? Atau iya?

Sejak itu, buatku, berjuang adalah melakukan hal demi suatu tujuan. Tujuan yang kadang bukan hanya untuk diri sendiri, tapi juga orang lain. Walau kadang orang lain kurang paham atau bahkan tidak sadar akan perjuangan kita. Rasanya melelahkan jika sampai pada singgungan orang yang belum satu frekuensi dengan perjuangan kita. Rasanya menyakitkan saat yang kita anggap berjuang menjadi hal yang kasat mata untuk sebagian. Rasanya menjengahkan saat kita berjalan dalam kesulitan mencapai tujuan, tapi diacuhkan. Nggak enak.

Maka sore itu waktu kamu bilang cinta. Aku diam. Bukan cuma bingung, tapi takut.
Takut.
Aku takut, karena beberapa tahun ke belakang, cinta punya konsekuensi yang begitu menyedihkan. Beberapa tahun ke belakang otak dan hatiku, secara terorganisir, seperti dicuci bersih dan ditanamkan pemahaman baru yang harus aku terima. 24 jam dalam seminggu, selama lima tahun. Oleh siapa? Oleh alam, oleh diriku sendiri, oleh takdir.

Aku melewati berbagai tahapan hidup yang naik turun dan maju mundur. Aku menjadi seorang istri, seorang ibu, seorang anak, seorang kakak, seorang pekerja, seorang pengangguran, seorang janda, seorang yang baru lagi. Hal baru lagi yang tidak berhenti menerpa. Dan rasanya nggak habis-habis menguras tenaga, hati dan otakku. Lima tahun, aku berangsur membangun lagi diri yang sempat hilang. Lima tahun, aku membangun benteng tegak yang tak goyah. Sampai sore itu.

Sore itu waktu kamu bilang cinta, hidupku teranalogi benteng kokoh yang belum selesai dibangun. Benteng kokoh yang kalau kamu beri beberapa waktu lagi, akan jadi bangunan terkuat sepanjang hidupku dan anak-anakku. Benteng kokoh yang fondasinya adalah kerendahan diri, luka bertubi-tubi, amarah terpendam sendiri, dan rasa kecewa yang tidak dimengerti.

Sore itu waktu kamu bilang cinta, hatiku teranalogi adonan kue bolu yang hampir jadi. Siap dikukus menjadi makanan siap saji. Lalu gagal masuk oven karena ternyata komposisinya belum siap dipanaskan. Ternyata kandungan gizinya belum sesuai kadar MUI. Dan karena kamu datang mengisi lagi adonan yang tadinya kupikir selesai disiapkan.

Sore itu waktu kamu bilang cinta, otakku teranalogi serial aksi level Hollywood. Aku berpikir keras untuk tidak hanyut, dan aku berpikir keras untuk tidak usai sesaat. Otakku diajak berpikir lagi, lebih berat dari isian Sudoku, dan lebih panjang dari permainan monopoli. Otakku seketika berhenti juga sebagian besarnya, rasanya ia sudah lama diajak keras bekerja sehingga aku kaget dengan perasaan bahagia.

Sore itu waktu kamu bilang cinta, aku mengulang lagi pelajaran perjuangan. Aku baca lagi literatur hati dan psikologi. Aku atur nafasku lagi untuk belajar memulai. Apa ya? Aku juga kurang paham. Aku rasa betul, cinta itu membingungkan. Selain butuh perjuangan, cinta itu juga melelahkan.

Kita boleh memilih untuk berhenti berjuang, kan?

Dating A Workaholic

"He wouldn't be like that, I know him." Esther almost yelled at Becca, her best friend.
"That is non sense! You barely know him! And he knows nothing about you! So stop overreacting!"

It's not the first time they argued about this matter; Matt.
They met at a concert, that is just absurd. Esther suddenly fell in love. Becca was just furious about how dumb her best friend can be. Well, it's not the first time Becca witnessed Esther 'falls in love', but this one is certainly the weirdest because Matt is nothing like Esther's type: cool.

Matt is so warm that he could melt every girl in the world only with his 'hello'. Matt is so friendly and smart, when he talks he illustrate Wikipedia with his knowledge and credentials. Matt can be your go-to friend when you're in need of some fresh ideas or just cringe joke. Matt is a diligent guy with lots of brilliant thoughts about various things. He is the jack of all trades.

While Esther... She is the female version of Matt. Esther has everyone greets her whenever she is everywhere as if she is so famous. What amazing is, it's not only people know her, but she actually knows people too like there is no person she is not friends with. Esther is a hardworker, she never stops thinking about anything, from fashion to politics, from kitchen to transport system, from traditional dances to aliens, or anything. You can talk to Esther about anything.

One day Becca confronted Matt for being too close to Esther that she was worried Esther might not be the best person she used to be.

"Yeah sorry if it sounds like she is more occupied with me. Maybe you aren't free enough for her to talk as great as when she is with me" Matt became very sarcastic each time Becca talked to her about how disturbed Esther has been lately.

Okay, here is the thing, some work deadlines were missed. Esther NEVER misses deadlines. She hates becoming late-comer and she is not a deadliner, she cannot think under pressure. Esther is a complete workaholic and she always aims high in whatever she is passionate about. Until Matt came.

Everything has turned upside down.

Esther wakes up very late, she eats junk food, she dozed out during meeting and SHE MISSES DEADLINES many times. She almost got fired, but Becca came again to save her ass, over and over again.

They have been having the discussion of how much Esther has depleted in work and life quality. However, they always found themselves another argument, pointless arguments between best friends who are caught between jealousy and anger.

"You know what? Maybe I've been looking at the wrong place and time. Maybe Matt is the right person I've been missing. Maybe he's the one that will complete me?"
"That is absurd, you know you can't stand someone messy like him." Becca lighted a cigarette trying to sound calm
"Yeah, maybe?"
"When do you think you're gonna stop being indecisive? Esther you're almost 40 for God's sake!" Becca stared at Esther who was still typing on her laptop
"Don't start now, you sound like an old nun who talks about age and decision we make" Esther didn't bother to reply Becca's look
"You know what, I think we should just stop talking. I am so tired about you being so obsessive about Matt. It's not healthy for me to always be in this position." Becca threw her look to the edge of their office balcony. Esther finally looked up to Becca's face, lighting another cigarette after the last one just finished, and replied "Yeah, you're right."
"Hmm?" Becca sounded numb
"We should stop working together and spending too much time with each other. Now I have Matt and he is just enough. Stop backing me up on job-failure, and stop making excuses for me in front of everyone who started to think I'm less productive lately. You need to stop caring too much, because that is not what I need at the moment". A long speech from Esther that only got Becca left the office with red face, faster heartbeat and untold anger.

Could this friendship be the toxic one after all this time? Esther was at her peak moment of career, everyone loves her. She is a great team player and she is very humble.



"I guess everyone makes wrong turn sometimes. What do you think this one is any different?" Becca told Matt when he finally broke up with Esther.

Oh, because Matt fell for Becca, finally.

About that New Relationship People (and I) Doubt About

In the very slightest faith, I doubt every single fate written for me beautifully.
The last relationship has got me into the deepest worst part of me, and it slammed me so hard I thought I wouldn't be able to get back up again.

Then Raka came. In a very weird way.
At the very weird time. During the very annoying covid season.

Then Raka came to say hi.
Yes, that's him. His nerdy glasses, sleek short hair and neat jacket.
An easy scooter with two helmets always ready.
He brought a million more surprise within a week, and I didn't even have any word of where to start describing things between us.
Perhaps it's like.. finding a male version of me.
Kind, intelligent, warm, sincere, vulnerable.... tricky.
Perhaps.

We had many songs during trips, we had many laughs, we had silly arguments.
We had differences.
We is me and Eqi.

It's not different with Raka this time.
What makes it different is just the words he chooses and actions he makes.
What makes it different is the way he looks at me and how he delivers his ideas perfectly.
What makes it different is his simple English and complex Indonesian.
What makes it different is his track record of love story and self-actualisation.
What makes it different is his warmth. His presence. His idea of existence.
Well, it's different with Raka this time, then.

He asked me out, I said no.
He asked me out again, I said no.
He kept asking me out, in hours I said yes.
In hours between, I broke down, I threw phone, I yelled, I almost hit myself again.
In hours between, he held my hands despite his anger and disappointment.
In hours between, he hugged me despite his confusion and self-doubt.
In hours between, he managed to convince me that I have him around.
In hours between, he got inside my head and told me that I need to share that burden.

What burden?
Days, and sometimes nights, I wonder, what burden?
Oh, that past relationship. The ups and downs with a husband and two kids.
The back and forth feelings of disappointment and expectation.
The left and right when I had to make hard choices
The tears and loneliness of 1/3 nights above my prayer mat.
That burden? No.
It's called life, not burden.

What burden?
The unknown future. Another bet of life.
Another round of falling in love. Another round of backing off when things are not right.
Another round of getting attached and holding myself back from exposure.
Another round of self-control and time management.
Another round of heavy breaths and uncontrollable sweats.
Another round of doubting, believing, questioning, and relieving situations.

Is that the burden he means?
Is that what we are about to oversee together?
Is that what he thinks I am ready for?
Is that what we both want and need now and then?
Is that what the reality is?
Is this love?
Is this a rebound love?
Is this a long lasting one?

Let's find out.