Catatan Akhir Tahun

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

I'm writing in a very good mood. Holiday season and the traffic was awesome this morning. Plus, I got back this blogspot account after been frozen for months. So here we go, the recap of 2013!


JANUARI
Pulang ke Indonesia lagi rasanya asing. This time I've had a boyfriend so it's so much changing many things. Yeah, gitu deh romansa dan drama dalam diri gua. Anyway, I tried to work here and there, thinking this and that. Banyak job offers yang mulai berdatangan karena gua iseng coba apply, then ended up gak ada yang gua ambil karena gua tau Maret April si pacar akan pulang ke Indonesia untuk liburan, why bother having job while I can have fun with my long distance boyfriend during his holiday later. I worked for dad instead, di Tangerang.


FEBRUARI
Bukan hal mudah kerja di luar kota dan handling many things yang gua nggak ngerti sebelumnya. Then I learned a lot, managing conflict, making sales and doing marketing. It was quite fun and challenging and tiring at the same time. Masih dengan pikiran pacar akan pulang bulan depannya, so I was totally okay with every task in my job.


MARET
The month where we finally met, sebenernya this year's first quarter penuh dengan kisah Abel because I'm all about him and he's all over me. So bear with me, okay. We had fun that month, I met his family and his friends, and although I failed picking him up at the airport, we still had so much fun.


APRIL
Yea, I don't really like this month, boyfriend was flying back to the UK because his Easter break is over. I still wanted to be with him, so we decided to take three days out of town, just the two of us. So great it was! Until I had to let his go. Nggak drama sih pas drop di bandara, malah nangis bawang India pas udah di mobil. Nangis sejadi-jadinyaaa.


MEI
Masih lanjut di Erka Jaya Tangerang, ya Tuhan bosen, and nothing seemed to be better about the management dan everything, akhirnya gue resign, cabut dari lokasi yang ternyata makin terbengkalai. And then came the problem, THE PROBLEM, ladies and gentlemen. Shock, sedih, terpukul, kecewa, capek. Ditambah website gue www.tulisanhampa.com expired dan gak bisa di-renew hostingnya. Shit happened!


JUNE
Happy birthday Dad! The best lesson learned this year, me too. Kayak nggak banyak yang bisa gue ketik disini, waktu itu gue inget banget harus struggling bantuin papa sambil siapin video ulang taun Abel (yang ternyata reaksinya gak berbanding lurus dengan usahanya hahaha), and I made it and quite happy about it. Alhamdulillah kebayang bulan puasa udah di rumah tenang gak rempong kerjaan dan ini itu.


JULY
Ramadhan Kareem. Alhamdulillah puasa ini diwarnai dengan keceriaan, kebersamaan dan keindahan proses aplikasi visa ke Inggris nengokin dan jemput Abel. Yippie, ironically yippie!


AUGUST
Setelah melewati penolakan demi penolakan pada tawaran kerja, also the fights and arguments with many people about my plan, I finally made it to the UK. Rasanya beneran campur aduk dan rollercoaster inside my head and heart. Summer break ke UK beneran something big for me that time, and I meant to make it something more.


SEPTEMBER
I visited Stonehenge, Bath and the mighty Edinburgh. Well, I must say things were a bit messy once a while but then overall, totally made my life this mid-year. I made it, I made it, I made it. All the prayer and hardwork paid and answered. Harus interview dengan LSPR dan Artotel sepulangnya dari UK dan decision finally made...


OKTOBER
First month in the LSPR, OFFICIALLY, as a thesis counselor, after turning down a better job offer in Artotel. Gak papah, demi passion mengajar dan obsesi mau S3. Aamin! Then came another intention untuk dateng ke wisuda Abel Desember nanti, hmm. well this needed a thought for a while. And a planning too. Sementara itu, yah dinikmatilah pekerjaan baru, office mates baru, suasana baru, adaptasi dengan traffic tiap paginya. Ew for that last one. I met to catch up with my Leeds gang!!!


NOVEMBER
Terima gaji pertama, dan semuanya terasa sedikit lebih settled; Abel, kerjaan, keluarga, temen-temen. Dan mulailah rencana pengejutan Abel di wisudanya, yang lagi-lagi harus perjuangan ngurus semuanya dari mulai cuti sampe izin mama papa. I really enjoyed my job, really!


DESEMBER
The month of the year!!! Anniversary pertama gue sama Abel dirayakan dengan makan mewah meskipun masih belum puas hahaha. Klimaksnya ya setelah detik detik terakhir mengeksekusi tiket dan itinerary, akhirnya terjadilah perencanaan surprise buat Abel wisuda. And too bad, ketauan surprise-nya sebelum berangkat! We fought like really really dramatic to me, hahahaha but I'm glad I was caught up, jadi nggak harus deg-degan sembunyi dan cari alasan untuk menghilang 18jam selama flight kesana. I AM SO GLAD THIS MONTH HAPPENED! I'm so happy everyone was so kind and helpful to me for the plan. Dan meskipun pulang dengan capek, dan kepisah lg selama beberapa hari, it's okay. I'm still happy!!!





See you next year!

Don't tell me what to feel.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

I'm at the airport right now, typing this post after having a heart-to-heart convo with my dad. We were talking about people around us in general.



1. Our relatives. We called her the drama queen. She makes scenes for every single thing in her life. Every story she tells people, must be told in a dramatic voice and people are sometimes convinced, sometimes are annoyed, and we -me and dad are laughing behind. She's not that ultra smart, but she's just.. You know.. Drama queen.


2. The Used-to-be-famous lawyer. We barely know this person. Well I do. My father just happened to know him thru the media years ago. This person is smart, he's charismatic and what I recently learnt, he's just tactical in living life. I put so much respect on him as much as how we -meand dad pity his skill and choice of rising his family.


3. President of Indonesia candidates. Well, none of them grab our attention. I am not a big fan of political party, and I think my dad has his own story and trauma in political involvement. So we -me and dad decided to just "oh no one's gonna vote for him" to every candidate that we named. Okay, in short, we're mocking them. Haha.


4. My brother. This one was a bit tough, because my brother acts differenty when he's with me and when he's with dad. They -brother and dad don't have that close bond like I do to both of them. Anyway, we were talking of how progressed he has been in school and work. We appreciate his high spirit of achieving what he could in both fields. We' -me and dad are just so proud of him in our different ways.


5. Helicopter. This one's total bullcrap me and my dad always talk about. It's of course so much easier when we have our own chopper. But then... Yeah, tell me the cost and maintenance and technical operation and else. See? Bullcrap. But the point is, I really love talking to my dad. He can be ANYTHING that I want (but a boyfriend of course) and he teaches me about many things in a very fun and comforting way. I love talking to my dad and I can't say it enough.


My flight's not until one more hour, and I so look forward to kiss my boyfriend a good night. No matter how sick this relationship has been, there's always a little part in my heart that holds the faith. I'll go.

Mid-year thought.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

This life path, sometimes makes me wonder of what God has written. I imagine going back to seven months ago, if i decided something else for my life instead of what I'm doing right now. Will I be some place else better? Will I suffer more than how I do now?


People that I meet. They're beyond any expectation and imagination. Will I have what I have now if I changed my mind back then a couple of months ago. Will more people please me? Will I be any useful to them? Will they appreciate me the way I deserve to be? Will I be able to treat them right?


There are things I haven't done because I postponed several life objectives. And because of one indecisive reason, will those things come as good as if I delayed? Will those things get worse all along?


I've been questioning myself if there's something wrong with me or the way I think or the way I decide the decision. I've been distrusting myself pathetically that I need someone else to convince me that I am okay and everything is going o be alright. Desperately need an escape, and the only place that I thought I could release all the doubt, slowly blurred. That place slowly kills me inside.


I often wonder what's welcoming me next in this life path. Those who hurt me, those that disappoint me, as they are becoming the part of my life path, I wonder if they are who and what they are. What is real? What is trustworthy? What is worth?

Ramadhan Kareem

Monday, 8 July 2013

This year, I'm doing it different. Setelah dua taun puasa jauh dari rumah, taun ini balik lagi ke suasana meja makan keluarga, makanan masakan mama, suara petasan deket mushola, dan berbagai jadwal buka bersama.

Bedanya, taun ini gue ikut Muhammadiyah. Yes, start earlyand gonna   finish early too! Bismillah aja ya.


Ramadhan kareem.
There's no month within a year thar relieves me as much as Ramadhan. There's nothing that I awaited impatiently like Ramadhan.
And there's no deed as pleasing as executing good will in Ramadhan.

Ramadhan kareem.

To Whom It May Concern

Saturday, 6 July 2013


Selamat tanggal tujuh. Tujuh bulan jadi pacar kamu, rasanya... Kayak nano nano; manis asam asin, rame. Hehehe.

Aku rajin banget buka-buka lagi catetan kita waktu awal jadian. And I happen to realise how amazing you have been and always are to me.

Kangen.
Rasanya sok jago banget ya decided untuk LDR di taun pertama pacaran, dan silly aja kita sempet snob dan pede bahwa kita akan baik-baik aja.

Well.
Aku nggak tau pasti berapa lama lagi kita bakal ketemu, yang jelas, selama tujuh bulan jadi pacar kamu, aku ngerasa self-satisfying bisa nyayangin kamu secara sederhana di antara rumitnya problematika kita. Aku seneng dapet kesempatan ngerasain ..... semua yang aku rasain.


I'm sorry i haven't been a very nice girlfriend and I complain a lot about anything. I'm sorry I haven't succeeded to make you feel happy. Trust me, i've been trying.


Thank you for keeping up and sticking to me, and to give us a chance to work out. I love you, selamat tanggal tujuh, kesayangan aku.


Every evening. Every you. (part five)

Thursday, 27 June 2013

1 May 2013.
It's Brian and Sally's wedding reception.
Lila's Brian's friend and Sally's Tom's friend.

Tom just could not believe of what he saw; Lila on the bridesmaid dress.
"You look so so different, pretty and.. stunning" Lila bowed and smiled, "Thank you, Tom!"
"I thought I was never gonna see you again after the meeting with you and Lex that time"
"It's been ages, hasn't it? hahaha.." Lila felt so casual and no longer nervous like on their previous meetings.
"I'm so sorry you and Sam broke up, Lila. Brian told me" Sally suddenly came up from nowhere to behind Tom, across Lila.
"That's okay, we finally didn't work it out, anyway. But thanks" Lila then began to act clumsy and blushing at the same time. Tom was confused but then they got into another talk and chit chat until Brian came and "here they are! and here she is my beautiful bride! Now if you excuse us, singles?" Brian didn't wait for any response to take Sally out of the conversation and they just waved their wine glasses to each other.

It was just Tom and Lila then.
"Hmm, so you've broken up with the busy-with-business-trip-boyfriend"
"Yeah, kind of. Last week." Lila said it briefly. She started to hit a shot now.
"So, are you up for an evening coffee with me now?"
"Now? I can't, the reception won't end until late tonight, no time for coffee now"
"Hahaha.. Okay. Shall we dance now?" Tom never seemed to get tired of trying
"No, sorry, twisted ankle" Lila lift up her long dress until her right knee and Tom was shocked seeing a thick bandage on Lila's ankle
"Oh God, what happened?"
"You know, the earth isn't nice any to me lately" Lila smiled and finished her scotch. Lean back on the bar stool in the garden
"This is our fifth meeting," Tom signed the bartender to pour him a pint, "why aren't you giving me any chance to know you, at all?" Lila rolled her eyes sarcastically to Tom listening to that, "I mean, come on, you've met Debra my neighbor, you've met my father, you've been consulting with my mom. You barely know me. Isn't that a mystery to you?"
"You know what, Tom?" Lila paused to make sure Tom listened to what she said instead of staring in love at her face. "Some mysteries aren't meant to be figured out at all. And I think you are one of them. I don't mean to solve you, Mr Mysterious. So, no thanks." Lila laughed. She had too much drink that evening. She left Tom alone on the stool and Lila just disappeared into a dressing room inside the hall.


-finished-

Things that I would do for love.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

You may call me selfish. I always do what I want. I rarely care what people think or how they'd react towards my selfishness. I just happen to do good selfish things, including consistently loving you. From the day I said "I love you", that feeling has never changed, until I wrote this post, at least. And I do hope it will not.

And today, you turn 25. You have your own wishes I don't have to surreptitiously make ones, and even though birthday is never a big deal nor a celebration for you, let me myself congratulate you for being older, and hopefully wiser. I know your happiness doesn't have to be because of or with me, but I really hope you are always happy because of the thing that makes you do.

This simple video, I fetched from your worldwide friends and relatives. (Sorry I had no idea about your family in France and US, if I had I think I would also contact them).

I did the video collection and compilation all along a very struggling event that I currently engaged in (you know what it is), and I am so so so glad I made it. I know it's not perfect, or you might think "ah ngapain sih ngerepotin, aku kan udah bilang gak mau apa-apa" but again, you cannot forbid people from being nice to you just because you can't return their favor, or you don't want to, or any other reasons. People could be nice to you because they want to, because they are nice, because they care about you, because you are nice, and you are worth it.

And me, I love you, not anymore because you love me too, nor because of the habits that we've been through, nor because I expect anything from you anyhow. I love you because I simply want to.


"Things that I would do for love" Jaime Lannister

Oh is it really June again?

Thursday, 20 June 2013

I hardly hate June. I mean it's midyear, everything must show its greatness if not clarity all along the year. This year, I happened to adapt to June quite hard. Not only because my family's struggling a hard time, it's also my boyfriend. I think I just miss him too much that all the energy left has been tabulated, accumulated and transformed into some weird brain reaction. This is not fun at all, but I dare myself to just go through it. I mean, what harm can it make if I keep on the track?


Anyway, I'm with this old bad habit again. I can't believe it's not moving anywhere, as a matter of fact, it remains. Now I start to see it as something adaptable and enjoyable. Not gonna tell it here, but I am convinced that it is a bad habit. Does it sound like I nail-bite now?

So, it's June again. I hate that I write less this month because of the craziness around me. I guess I'm not the only one, people have been very very very busy lately, and I sometimes wonder if it's normal for us to keep on being busy with ourselves. I don't mind, I don't care. I always have my own remedy.


I'm gonna continue my bookstore story again later. Just see.

Slightly

Thursday, 23 May 2013

So apparently people are still posting stuff about traffic jam, their hatred and faved, love and affection, politics, social life and other pretentious things. I wonder if they ever felt actually what they were tweeting. 

I myself rarely tweeting lately. Not that I'm ultra busy or ignorant to social media. I just hardly find my expectation fulfilled all along by expressing in social media. 

Came to think that I've met some people who always get what they want, or they think that things must go according to their way, or their preferences, or at least their ability to accept the extent to what things might go the other way around.

These people, I wonder if they ever feel sad, not because they don't get what they want. But because it is very hard for them so feel grateful or even to realise of what they've had. It's sad to me when you can't see good things around you and keep complaining and demanding about unreachable wish instead. It's just sad. Just because you always get what you want, doesn't mean you will be like that forever.

Well, at least that's what I've seen in Twitter lately. I might be completely wrong, but that's what I've been implied with, mates.

Every evening. Every you. (part four)

Monday, 13 May 2013

1 March 2013


The mall was so crowded that Lila's shopping bag hit someone near the escalator. She turned around and recognised the face in front of her.

"No way!" Lila almost screamed seeing Tom again with his new haricut
"Hey! What a coincidence! What's up?" Tom grinned very happily
"How are you? How can we meet so often, has this world shrunk or what?" Lila fixed her grab on the bags
"I don't know, the universe loves me for letting me meeting you so... often?" They both were smiling when suddenly Tom realised one of the shopping bag that Lila carried had "DEBRA" logo on it.
"Debra? You just shopped there?"
"Yeah, Deb's my new fashion stylist, so she reccommend me...."
"Wait, what? Your stylist? She lives next to my place! We're good friends!"
"You live in Orchard Block too?"
"Yeah, we just moved there last year, my mom wanted to live nearby to her office in Whitechapel as she's quite old but she loves her job so much that by keep working is the only thing that stops her feeling old at all"
"Whitechapel? Your mom's an accountant?" Lila stopped grinning for a while, shocked/
"She is! Why does that shock you?" Tom wondered about Lila's reaction
"Nothing, I've worked in Whitechapel once last year, an intern, but I didn't continue."
"Amazing! I wonder why Deb never told me she has a cute friend like you. I could ask her later, but that would be very inappropriate. Oh, this is unfair, you've met my dad, know my mom's an accountant and befriend with my neighbour but all I saw was your Andy brother and... Oh yeah, I don't even know where you work.." Tom reminiscing his previous meetings with Lila in many places.

"Lila!!! Here you are!" suddenly a loud voice disrupted their chit chat.
"Hey, Lex! Meet Tom here! Tom, Lex!" Lila introduced both
"I'm Lila's cousin. Nice to meet you!" Lex smiled properly and signed Lila to move on as they still had many things to buy there.
"So, see you around, Lil?" Tom understood the sign and let them go
"Bye now!" Lila moved away without any further talk to Lex nor Tom.


-to be continued-

Every evening. Every you. (part three)

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

20 February 2013

A fair sunny day along the city market and Lila was looking for a perfect flower for her boyfriend.


"You're here.. You're everywhere! Good Lord!" Lila was shocked really seeing a figure she's been coincidentally meeting recently everywhere near flower baskets inside the store.
"No, this store's my dad's. You're stalking me, I must say" a naughty smile added Tom's charisma.
"Oh, what? No!" Lila blushed accordingly, her smile shimmered by the sun from the front window of that florist store. They laughed together at how coincident their lives are.
"I wish I could tell you about my dad earlier if you would've accept my coffee talk that evening" Tom remind her of his last week's proposal to her.
"Well, I guess we don't need that coffee talk anymore right now that I knew that your dad owns this florist" Lila responded diplomatically and Tom couldn't help to frowned his face towards Lila answer.

"Anyway, I'm looking for something special. You probably can help me now, or I'd better go to your father about flowe?"
"No, please, let me help. What kind of flower? For who? What occasion?" Tom was enthusiastic showing around the front flower stall to Lila.
"Umm, so my boyfriend's coming home tomorrow from a long business trip. I'm expecting a bouquet maybe, or you have any idea?"
"Ooh, it really depends......"


-to be continued-

Every evening. Every you. (part two)

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

8 February 2013.

It was a fair afternoon and Lila stopped by in a coffee shop for a sip.

"Lila?" Tom's voice shocked her for a bit during the wait in the counter
"Oh, hi! You! Are you stalking me?" Lila still remembered the last persistent effort of Tom trying to go out with her
"What?", Tom almost chocked, "this is my favourite coffee shop, I am a regular"
"Grande Americano, Tom!" a barista voice distracted their conversation
"Are you stalking me?" Tom smiled knowingly seeing Lila's blushing cheeks.
"Oh, no. haha. I'm just..waiting for my brother grabbed some books there" Lila rolled her eyes to the bookstore where they first met. Rightaway she saw her brother came out of the bookstore carrying two big bags towards the coffee shop, "and here he is."
"Hi! It was a massive line that I almost fainted." Toby sighed and sat on the comfortable chair near the window. He smiled at Tom, raising his hand and spontaneously greeted "Hi, I'm Toby"
"Tom. Nice to meet you." Tom grinned without caring Lila's suspicious eyes to both of them.
"Shall we leave now, Tob?" Lila looked inconveniently seeing how her baby brother was too nice to a stranger like Tom
"Oh, really? At least let me stretch out my legs first, please?" He grabbed his sister's iced coffee and sip it enthusiastically and stare at the clumsy Lila who finally sat down across him. Followed by Tom, "May I join you guys?"
"No" "Sure" Lila and Toby answered quickly at the same time, "Lila, why are you so rude?"
"We need to leave, soon, brother!" Lila sent Toby a meaningful stare and Toby understood.
"Okay, let's leave now" Toby shrugged of his shoulders and lifted the big bags filled with books again.
"You sure you don't need a hand there, boy?" Tom was still getting both Lila and Toby's attention, putting down his Americano and stood up light-handedly
"We're okay, Tom. Thanks!" Lila grabbed one less bigger bag from Toby, "our car will be here soon. Oh, there it is!" She rushed Toby too to get out of the coffee shop and smiled to Tom.
Tom helped out holding the doors for them and he let Lila go again, that afternoon.


Every evening. Every you. (part one)

Sunday, 5 May 2013

1 February 2013



The book store wasn't too crowded. Lila was strolling around the classic shelf when suddenly a taller guy came approaching her, and greeting "can I help you?"
"Oh, do you work here?" Lila took a glance over his distinctive shirt, unlikely a storekeeper.
"Umm, no. I just like offering help to a cute girl"
"Oh, haha, that's a rare pick up. And thanks. But, no I'm just looking around." Lila smiled formally
"Is it crazy if I ask you out for a coffee after this?" He leaned against the shelf without being nervous
"What? Hahaha.." Laila was clumsy for a second, "I'm sorry but I have a boyfriend"
"Hey I'm not asking you to be my date. It's just an evening book talk in the coffee shop across this store" he pointed a small coffee shop in the corner of the street.
"But.. I'm not buying any book"
"That's okay, we can talk about this book that I just bought" he paused, improvising and raised a novel, "if you're interested"
"That's it! I'm afraid I'm gonna be interested with the book..." Lila paused "and in you" she blushed.
"That's normal if you're interested with the people who you feel connected with" he responded with a grin
"I'm afraid my boyfriend's not gonna like it. I'm flattered but sorry, no" Lila was still smiling heedlessly
"Oh, okay then. I'm Tom, by the way. Is that okay to know your name, at least?" He raised his hand and waited for Lila to respond, "my name is Lila"
"Well Lila, I guess I'll see you around!" He waived his hand and moved away to the cashier.




-to be continued-

so soon April.

Friday, 26 April 2013

Been ages since the last post. I told you, I dislike April. Just this year perhaps I hate it worse. Not just the fact the I have to re-start the sucky long distance relationship, but also the fact that I hardly can make it to fly there to have a proer Summer holiday, so far not. That wish still exists though, at least until a next couple of months.

Meanwhile, I am re-listening to 90s songs and along that realised how much I have grown; from the American to British style of English, the perspective of seeing how life can be miserable enough when you can't say NO, until how to bow down to my own self vulnerability when it comes to heartbreaking circumstances. I have started running again though, the rain doesn't seen to stop me too  long.

I have a cable telly now in the living room; gives me more access to The Voice, Game of Thrones, NBA highlights and of course PORNOGRAPHY baby (in music videos, you think?) I so look forward to seek out something else there, probably E! news and Fashion Police are not enough, lol. My brother's been convincing me to enjoy Celestial Movie though. There you go Asia!!

May's coming soon and I cannot wait to finish it up, so I can welcome the warm June. Moreover, to finish up the months after until I can meet my boyfriend again, and plan another holiday, the feasible one! We'll see. I miss him!

Silent Sigh - Badly Drawn Boy

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Come, see, what we all talk aboutPeople movin' to the moonStop, baby, don't go, stop hereNever stop livin' here
Till it eats the heart from your soulKeeps down the sound of yourSilent sigh, silent sigh, silent sighSilent, silent, silent
Keeps down all, move me downCould we love each other?
Come, see, what we all talk aboutPeople movin' to the moonStop, baby, don't go, stop hereNever stop livin' here
Till it eats the heart from your soulKeeps down the sound of yourSilent sigh, silent sigh, silent sighSilent, silent, silent
Keeps down all, move me downBut don't love each otherNo, don't love each otherNever gonna be the sound, get it on
See, si, see, siSee, si, silent, silentSilent, silent, silent, silentSilent, silent
Please don't, all move me downSilent, silent, silentSilent, silent sigh, silent sighMove me down, we're gonna love each other

On the sidewalk.

Monday, 8 April 2013

Avfest's 50 km away from my city. I visit this suburban area every week, on Friday morning until evening. A weekly review on the small branch. I don't even know why the company sent me for this task. I mean, they can ask the branch manager to come by the headquarter and weekly-report it. I just don't understand. Anyway, here I am again, hitting the crazy small and quiet road to Avfest.

I remember the first time I went this small village along, I was excited, I thought this was going to be something or somewhere refreshing and fun rather than working in a small cubicle in my office uptown there. Nay, the seventh week drove me insane. I mean, the people are nice, the always smile at me and ask what I am up to. But come on, it was like a very quiet village, dry and quiet. Most people are farmers if not a seller in traditional market, the rest are school kids, and they are quiet too.

This time today, my twelfth visit and nothing's changed. Only the road is now dirtier as the month's hitting harvest season. Full of paddy's and other farm garbage, not nasty, just untidy. It contradicts anything like fun, refreshing and peaceful. I go thru anyway.

Arriving in the office there, Rebecca's saying hi genuinely with a very wide smile saying "yay it's Friday, you're coming and holiday's summoning!" I smile back and read the report she has written for me.
"You don't seem to like it here, why?" She throws me a sudden death question. Have I been that obvious?
"What are you talking about? Big city's boring, unlike in here" I didn't put away my eyes from the report on the desk"
"I can tell you don't enjoy the visit anymore. Did I do something wrong?"
"Honestly.." I finally look up to her and let her sit in front of me "I don't understand why this branch's keep making profit to the headquarter. I was pulling myself up to come here as if it's gonna collapse the week after. But it does not..." I stare at her guessing her expression listening to my explanation, "..yet"
"Oh.." She looks neutral; not even surprised
"I really appreciate your work here. Well done, Beck!" I tidy up the folder and make the table up
"You can talk to me..." she is hesitant to continue, "...about work, or anything that I can do to improve..." she cuts herself again to make sure I'm listening, "...or to shut this store down, if you want" I bug my eyes out glaring at her. She has no doubt saying the very last sentence.
"I mean, I know you don't like coming to this place, and I know the company has no one else to be sent here but you. It's like you can't do anything to escape this task, and if closing down a branch is your way out, I can be a help"
"Beck! Are you out of your mind? How could you say so?" She totally understands my surprised reply, and she stands still
"I feel you, Sir. Or Mark? You don't have to pretend to enjoy the things that you don't like. Do something and stand upon what you believe in. I believe you deserve more than just a weekly task like this. They could've just sent me there every week to report, but instead, they sent you. That doesn't make sense either to me. I understand..."
"Beck, look. Shutting down a store, or any kind of cutting-profit decision isn't mine, nor yours. What you were just saying, it's crazy. It's beyond any corporates' consideration and calculation. Besides, it's very selfish you deny doing a task just because you don't like it. Anything easy doesn't scare me, and by not scared, I don't learn to be brave. Anything easy isn't worth doing. Look at the bigger picture. Beck..." I cannot continue, she nods and looking into my eyes bravely as if she knows exactly what I'm going to say next.



The next hours, we are sitting by the backyard of the store. They view is very relieving; a harvested farm. We are sipping our cup of coffee and laughing at the sunset, still talking about work. I love analogising the work with our personal life. I love knowing more about Rebecca's personal life. "I think I love you" I am surprised myself after saying that. Rebecca's now blushing and then laughing for five minutes, literally five minutes. She swears at the coffee for containing too much caffeine that I might be drunk of it.


"The moment I saw you, I liked you. You were a high spirited worker and you're responsible of what you're doing. You're tough and .... I don't know, charming.." I am a bit blushing realising she's staring weirdly at me, "I like a hardworking person like you, as if you're not going to give up. When you said you wanted to shut this store d....."
"Okay, stop there Mark! You're out of the line!" she's still smiling very wide and waving her hands in front of my face, "I'm married, and today's my first anniversary with Louis. Can we call this meeting off and just have our sober weekend?" She's back with the hard and loud laugh. I'm amused by the way she laugh.
"Very well, before I take off. I just want to remind you; no one's shutting down this store. It's the only way I can love you, no matter how long and boring it takes to get here."
"Mark! I'm married! Let's just keep this a business relationship." she cannot seem to stop laughing at my confession
"Whatever, I don't care. I'm not asking you out, I'm just saying what I feel." We take off after I help her locking up the store's front door, "I don't bother caring the status quo. I just love you"

di sudut ruangan ber-AC dan sepuntung rokok.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

"Ibu ndak nyangka kalo itu anakmu Nggar. Mbak Putri belum sampai nikah, kamu udah mau punya anak"
"Maafin Langgar, Bu. Langgar khilaf. Kita tunggu sampe resepsi Mbak Putri selesai ya, nanti kita bahas lagi"
"Panggil Bram ke kamar Ibu ya, nak"
"Iya Bu" Langgar menuju selasar gedung pertemuan, matanya mencari sesosok tinggi adiknya sambil menyulut rokoknya menjauhi ruang rias Ibunya. Pikirannya menerawang melewati kelibatan tamu-tamu asing di sekitarnya. Sebagian besar adalah tamu dari mempelai pria; kakak iparnya.



------12 jam sebelumnya....
"Aku cuma mau bilang, Mas Edi beruntung bisa nikahin Mbak Putri. Dia itu bener-bener berharga buat keluargaku Mas. Dia teladanku dan selalu njagain aku sama Mas Langgar dari kecil. Mudah-mudahan Mas Edi tau apa yang akan kalian segera temui setelah pernikahan ini. Aku titip mbakyu ku ya Mas, tolong dijaga dan dilindungi."
"Pasti Bram. Aku sadar bahwa Putri wis akih berkorban demi hubungan kami, sing mustine aku banyak bersyukur dan berterimakasih sama Putri. Insya Allah kami akan baik-baik saja, doanya ya Dik"
Putri sudah dipinang dan pernikahannya akan berlangsung kurang dari 10 jam lagi. Bram dan Edi masih asik berbincang di taman belakang rumah Bapak. Puntung demi puntung rokok memenuhi asbak di antara mereka, hingga larut malam.



"Dik, Ibu manggil kamu di ruangannya" Langgar menemukan Bram berdiri mematung menghadap tembok dengan sebatang rokok di jarinya. Ia meniupkan asap dari mulutnya menjauhi wajah kakaknya.
"Mas udah bilang soal Delia ke Ibu tho? Ibu percaya kalo itu anakmu, Mas?"
"Bram, aku ndak tau mau sampe kapan kamu begini. Mas ndak mau anak itu digugurkan. Harus sampai Delia melahirkan baru kita tau itu anakmu atau anakku" Langgar menatap adiknya serius
"Kenapa Ibu manggil aku, Mas?" Bram mematikan rokoknya ke sudut kanan bawah dinding tempatnya menatap kosong.
"Embuh, Delia mungkin. Sana temui dulu" Langgar menatap arah keramaian di balik punggung Bram




-----24 jam sebelumnya......
"Bram! Mbak Putri ndak paham sama kamu dan mas mu. Kalian wis podo dewasa tapi koyok bocah! Mbak mau acara ini baik-baik aja. Kamu sama Langgar mestine bantu aku dong, Dik. Jangan malah berpolah tingkah begini"
"Maafin aku Mbak, aku sama Mas Langgar udah janji akan behave paling ndak sampe resepsi selesai" Putri meringis membersihkan luka memar dan darah di sekitar bibir dan hidung adik bungsunya. Mereka terlibat baku hantam beberapa saat lalu perkara kehamilan Delia. Delia mengaku itu adalah anak perselingkuhannya dengan Langgar, sementara Bram tercampur aduk hatinya antara kesal dan kecewa serta sedih.
"Sudah tak kasih obat ini yang memar, nanti malem juga baikan. Jangan bilang Mas Edi ya, takut kepikiran. Jangan bilang Ibu juga soal ribut ini, Mbak ndak seneng bikin Ibu sedih lagi"



"Ibu manggil Bram?" Sang Ibu menoleh cepat dan menepuk kasur empuk di sebelah kursinya untuk menandai Bram segera duduk di sampingnya.
"Kamu kenapa sama Mas mu, nak?"
"Ndak apa-apa Bu. Kenapa kok Ibu tanya begitu?" suara Bram lembut meyakinkan dirinya sendiri bahwa luka dan perasaannya tidak muncul ke permukaan.
"Ibu cuma punya kalian berdua sekarang, Mbak Putri sudah dibawa Mas Edi. Minta tolong yang akur ya nak sama Mas Langgar. Siapa yang urus Ibu Bapak kalo kalian isih ribut terus soal apa-apa. Dari awal Ibu wis ndak seneng karo Delia itu. Ndak sopan anaknya, eh, ndelalahe bener toh malah mecah belah anak-anak Ibu....."
"Ibu..." Bram memotong lembut ocehan Ibunya, "Ibu, ini bukan soal Delia kok. Bram kemarin jatuh, justru Mas Langgar yang nolongin dan Mbak Putri yang ngobatin. Bukan apa-apa Bu. Delia memang dari awal seneng sama Mas Langgar, bukan sama Bram. Ndak ada yang salah. Ibu tenang ya, Bram sama Mas Langgar akan selalu jagain Ibu kok."
Ibunya tersenyum getir, mengangguk dan mempersilahkan Bram keluar kamarnya.




------2 hari sebelumnya....
"Ini anakmu, Nggar, not Bram's! Aku selingkuh dari Bram waktu dia Bandung malem itu. Dan aku sama-sama unconscious, aku lagi stress sama tugas kuliah dan kamu bantu aku waktu itu"
"Del, aku udah bilang kan kalo Bram yang akan tanggung jawab! Dan aku nggak yakin itu anakku, kita harus tes DNA"
Bukan semata-mata ingin buah hatinya, tapi ia tau perasaan Bram yang tidak ingin kehilangan Delia, terlebih karena kakaknya sendiri. Mereka terdiam sepanjang perjalanan pulang di mobil, mendengarkan alunan musik instrumental dari CD di mobil Langgar. Lagu kesukaan Delia; musik klasik.
"Aku udah bilang, kalo dari dulu aku naksirnya sama kamu, bukan sama Bram"
"Kenapa akhirnya kamu mau pacaran sama dia?" Langgar membuka jendela sambil mematikan AC di dalam mobilnya, menyulut rokoknya
"Aku cuma mau bikin kamu cemburu. Dan Bram belum tau soal anak ini, nanti aku yang kasih tau dia." Delia membuang wajahnya keluar jendela. Tangannya ingin meraih rokok yang sama, namun ia teringat pada apa yang sedang dikandungnya; calon bayi.
"Nggak usah, aku aja yang ngomong sama dia" seperti biasa, percakapan dimenangkan dan diakhiri oleh keputusan Langgar.

A proposal (part seven)

Saturday, 23 March 2013

"I don't believe in marriage"
"I'll convince you of it. I am right now actually. It's the third time I'd say it; would you marry me?"
"Why?"
"Answer first! And I hope the long pause brings something relieving"
..................
 
"Will you propose to me again if I say no this time?"
"You bet I will, it's always unconditional to marry you"
"Let's give it a shot, I've been trusting you for years, I will be again in the future"
"Would you marry me?"
"I do"


-the end-

when men's got a girlfriend....

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

.......they'd change


1. they ignore boys nights out. Going out with a girlfriend apparently is the most fun a boyfriend can do on weekend. Not just about having the pleasure in that boyish way, but also letting out the real emotion to the opposite sex who'd respond to their inner sensitivity with good hugs and feelings, instead of a punch in the shoulder saying "oh, you can go thru this shit, man!".


2. they spend more money for cheesy thing. Flowers, chocolate, cards, surprises and gift voucher. Making the girlfriend happy is always a self-satisfactory. Not only expecting something in return per se, but also seeing the loved ones smiling and happy is an achievement too.


3. they become drama kings. They can have a mood swing and become an insecure bitch just like girls who're having their PMS. Guys can be so envious and highly tempered when it comes to girlfriend thing. Most of them can put everything under control, but some will always show affection, possession, vulnerability and emotions deliberately, in public.


4. they improve their self-esteem. No matter what. Having a significant one makes a guy feel more confidence because they're trapped in mind that there is always this one particular person who'd accept and love them for what they are. They can go chin up amongst all the single (or not) other guys and implicitly shout "I've got this hot loving girl with me, dudes!" to the world. Or.........


5. they turn out to be a jerk. If one can get a girlfriend easily, then getting a two or three must be really adventurous and challenging. How? It's the nature of boys to keep answering the 'how' meanwhile women are busy finding the 'why'. Besides, 'how' is just as much explorable as 'why' but in a bit manly manner.

A proposal (part six)

Saturday, 2 March 2013

"Man, seriously? You gotta let her go. There's no one in this world who would reject a proposal TWICE! Considering how long you have been dating her, and all the things you've gone through with her"
"Come on, I gotta need to be reassured that the third time will work. I gotta take some days off to think of how can I convince her"
"You want to do a third one? A bloody third proposal? You are nuts!"
"I've been told that I am. So why bother giving up?"
"What's in her mind? Have you read?"
"I've been reading a lot, and I've been wrong too. I don't think I need to read more. I gotta feel what she feels so I could understand what she wants, and again, convince her of what we can achieve together. I know she wants to be with me too, I just need a reason to get her more attached."
"How?"
"I told you, I need days off to think of how"
"You're sick enough to take your own time. A third proposal. Why don't you just give herself up? She's losing something perfect"
"No, no. If she's that hard to get, then she's worth the fight, and she deserves the keep. I'm not giving up, not now, I hope will not ever"
"Yeah man, you're gonna push your own luck for that. I have been seeing you try very hard, I haven't seen hers"
"Oh, you can't see hers. You need to feel what I feel to know what you don't know"
"Nah, I'm not interested in her. You're just her type, and I think she's yours. I just wish you a good luck"
"Thanks man! I'll keep you posted, so you'll know what I've done wrong... or right!"

Another Note to Boyfriend

Saturday, 23 February 2013


bukan semata-mata karena lagi ditinggal mama ke luar kota, bukan juga karena maag lagi kambuh melanda, apalagi karena capek kerja, but I felt like I bloody wanted to write. 

I never knew what was in my boyfriend's head when he sent me pictures of him being in Emirates Stadium. Most boys, regardless with football-enthusiastic girlfriends or not, are going to be totally reckless and careless about any other things when it comes to their favourite football team. My boyfriend? So not!!!

He had the time to tell me how it went: Giroud versi aku!


I was honestly exhausted from work and fell asleep immediately after I hit the bed. I skipped dinner and I still managed to hear his voice before I went to sleep. I tell you what? There's this difference between sending a voicenote when you really mean it, and the live phone call one when you're not in the mood; voicenote wins! Too great, my boyfriend has this amazing voice recorded with full-heart to me the nights before, and when I hear it, I feel like he is actually around me to say it right-away, directly to me. It worked, I fell asleep very tight!


You know what's better that night? It's when I woke up later that night (yeah, screw the stomachace) and I found his PDA twitter update to me!!! HOW DRAMATICALLY SENSITIVE AND FULL LOVING MY BOYFRIEND IS!!! Ok, well, I think it's just my type of 'great-you-love-me-that-much-and-I-feel-so-blessed' happiness and favourite, especially that we are away. BUT STILL, I am so very relieved that at the end of the tiring week, it's me that he's thinking of.

Add caption: Well, what caption suits this better? I LOVE HIM SO MUCH?



Shit, I don't know why I type something like this at 3 AM Indonesian time while my stomach's rumbling and I'm gonna have an early morning run later. I hope I don't sound cheesy afterall, but I should really justify this: I CANNOT STAND TO TELL THE WORLD THAT I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND AND I AM SO LUCKY TO BE LOVED BY HIM!



Dear boyfriend,
if you could love me this much, then I would love you very much more than that.
You'll see. XXX.

A proposal (part five)

Saturday, 16 February 2013



"What's with the candle, love?"
"I upset you yesterday, didn't I? Should have not proposed you that early, we should take it slow"
"Hey, if there was anyone who upset anyone, it's me upsetting you, I'm sorry. I really wish I could say yes, but, I just don't want to fake it and be unsure about it"
"It's okay, I love how we talk about anything confidently like this, randomly and nicely"
"I love this too! I don't want things to change!"
"I love your smile"
"Oh come on, you make this feels like a second date! Stop it! hahaha..."
"And I love when you're blushing"
"Dude, break it off! Hahaha.."
"What do you like about me, when we're having dinner?"
"Umm, there are many! You want me to name one? It's absurd!"
"Come on, on the top of your head?"
"Your gentle hand on mine"
"And?"
"You said on the top of my head! That's it!"
"Only it?"

"Hey, I love your smile too, I love the vein on your forehead when I ask you silly things. I love listening to your absurd futuristic ideas, I love how you analyse people around us. I love the way you read what I want on the menu. I love the way you make sure I've got my water ready for me even before I start eating. I love that you make sure I like the food that I eat. I love you!"
"Are those the things you'd like to constantly see? Or it's like an occasional favourite?"
"Well, I think it'd be the things I always treasure when I'm having a meal with you"
"Have I changed since our first dinner date?"
"Not that I know of, but you're getting paranoid every time I have my first food bite. It's like.. you're afraid I'm poisoned! Hahaha.."
"Hahaha.. I'm just worried you don't enjoy your time with me"
"That's non-sense! Being with you is like the only thing I look forward each day when working hour's finished. That's why I rushed and forgot my jacket most evenings; to see you down there in the lobby for me"
"Really? Well, picking you up in the office is like my favourite thing too! And see your daily make up fade away, you're just more beautiful when I make you smile at the end of the day"
"Oh dude, cut me some slack! I love you! We sound like a couple of dumb teenagers now!"
"I don't care if it gives me an idiot to show how much I love being with you"
"Am I blessed or what? Hahaha.. hey, let's eat!"....."watch me and my first bite now" .... "I'm okay, this is good, dear paranoid but lovely boyfriend"


-to be continued-

A proposal (part four)

Thursday, 14 February 2013

"it was a no, so sorry guys."
"ooh, what's wrong?"
"well, she looked like she's not ready yet to settle down... with me"
"fuck no, she must be undermining herself too much, right? I don't understand why, she's been so fine with everything about you guys, your family both, your friends, the work, and us, the your-boyfriends!"
"I know, right! There must be something to fix, I gotta re-propose to her!"
"Yeah, you better man! I know how much you want to be with her. But you gotta be sure that re-proposing is the best thing. And make sure she will say yes this time"


-----


"Do you wanna hang around the casual? Or a dinner?"
"Yeah, a dinner would work, I'll be hungry by that time, dear! Besides, the waitress aren't so flirtatious there with you, handsome!"
"Haha, they cannot beat you in any way!"
"I know, I've got your heart and full-attention just the way you've got mine!
"Great, so I'll see you!"
"Love you!"


-to be continued-


A proposal (part three)

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

"What drove you so mad, man?"

"I don't know. She's having this major disturbance in her head. She's just constantly changing and I think it's gonna be a hard living ahead with her."

"Totally, dude! I thought you've gone insane. How're you gonna handle her? What if she said yes?"

"She will, eventually, I just feel right when I'm with her. She's broken, but still, she does everything for me. This is worth the risk and consequences, I guess."

"What if she leaves you?"

"That is.... I don't know. She's done so much to me that marrying her is the only choice I can nicely do in return. I wanna be with her with all she is."

"You don't know what you're gonna miss man"

"Oh, trust me I know, though I haven't thought of how will I do it. But, come on. It's her. She's worth the losing all these bastard things with my buddies. I wanna grow up, sit down with one particular lovely person each night and share everything with one person; not share one thing with every person, if you know what I mean"

"Yeah, let's hope she'd say "yes" to your stupid idea."

"Let's hope so, jackass!"

"Well, I gotta be honest, she seemed so independent. What makes you she'd give up her free and single life to be with you?"

"Honestly, it's my perseverance that does."



-to be continued-

A proposal (part two)

Sunday, 10 February 2013

"this is a truly big event. I'm grateful for your participation and passion in this. remember, it's like a life to us; if you succeed, then you've gained it. if you failed, then you're being given a lesson. don't run away from the risk and consequences, just be prepared. and take the leap."

"hey, sorry to cut you off, I need to make a call to my boyfriend one minute!"
"where are you going?"
"answering his proposal last night"



-to be continued-

A proposal.

Friday, 8 February 2013

"Getting married? Are you... Serious..ly nuts?"
"What? Why?"
"Are you sure wanna be attached.. To me?"
"Yeah, hell yeah I do, do you?"
"It's not the idea of, you know, being with you for the rest of my life. It's about spending the time only with one person; me. Aren't we gonna be bored to each other? Are we gonna go home and tell the truth that we miss the free single living? Are we really gonna be open up about anything to each other..."
"Yes, yes, yes. We're gonna share everything, we wake up next to each oter, we fight about many things, we make up to our best, we grow up and grow old together.."
"How are we gonna do all that?"
"How have we been doing all that? How did we survive this relationship?"
"Well, seriously, you're like very perfect for me, but am I?"
"Yes, you are. Trust me you are. If there's anyone in this world that I'd like to spend my life with, it's you. If there's anyone that I'd like to be the mother of my children, it's gotta be you. I'm sure of it. We've been thru... I know this is too early, but I just knew! I want you."
"Dude..that's... I love you, you know that I really wanna be with you no matter what"
"Then marry me, will you?"
.....



"Is it rude if I ask you to give me some time to think about it? Do I sound so not like any normal girls who'd just flattered, melted and say 'yes I do'?"
"No, take your time. I'll wait. We can always wait. We always do."
"God, the idea of being committed and attached, with a very convincing person like you... Freaks me out"
"Hey, what are you afraid of?"
"No, no. I'm not afraid of anything. It's just, life changes, people do too. I feel like... I don't see it... Umm... I'm not sure we're gonna be this sure today a couple decades from now..."
"Well, we all are changing. With you, I'm gonna change too, into a more mature and wise us, we're just doing it together instead of by ourselves"
"Really, I'm really sorry, you gotta give me time now. I am sorry.."
"Don't be, think about it first"
"Oh, I feel terrible now.. I'm supposed to say yes to this, but I make it complicated and annoying. I am so sorry I can't be simpler than that."
"No no, that's why I like you. That's what makes you different than any other women who easily fall down and say yes without thinking deeper. You're always thoughtful, analytical, and concern about many details. You don't do things because you only feel like you want it, but you think carefully about what you need and what you want, smart. I like that, I want this to be OUR decision, not just MY proposal and you just say 'yes' to it. I want you to think it over, and tell me when you're ready. I want this to be ours."
......
"Don't worry, I still love you"
"I know you do, and I swear to God I love you too, more than you know. I just need time for this."
"Yes, dear. Take your time. I'm always here, loving you."
"I love you"








-to be continued-

Dan kamu, selalu begitu.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Selamat tanggal Tujuh, kesayanganku.
Nggak seharipun lewat tanpa bayangan kamu di sekitar aku nemenin aku.
Nggak semalem pun lewat tanpa kamu berkelibat berkali-kali di mimpi aku.
Nggak se-pagi-pun lewat tanpa denger suara kamu pamit ke alam bawah sadar.
Nggak se-sore-pun lewat tanpa sapaan tulus Selamat Pagi-ku buat kamu.


Aku nggak peduli sejauh apa kita sampe waktu yang nggak ditentukan.
Aku nggak peduli sesering apa koneksi internet antara kita saling menjatuhkan.
Aku nggak peduli sengantuk apa mata ini, demi ngobrol sama kamu, harus bertahan.
Aku nggak peduli seburuk apa yang udah kita lewati dan yang mungkin akan ada di depan.


Aku sayang kamu, nerd paling kece se-muka bumi dan sepanjang sejarah percintaan.



my pillow hates me.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

aku duduk terpojok di ranjang besarku, berpikir keras sendirian tentang penyebab perceraianku. masih jelas teringat di sudut lain kasur itu, aku bercinta dengan mantan suamiku malam sebelumnya, kami bicara seru tentang pekerjaannya, tentang mimpi-mimpiku.



setiap pagi, mulai kali ini, senyumku terulas pada sebuah bantal, kosong. tidak ada lagi bantal menumpu kepalaku, tidakpun lengannya menyangga leherku. aku namun tidak merasa sepi.


pagi-pagi kali ini, senyumku makin banyak terlempar, ke barang-barang kenangan kami. sungguh suatu kebingungan untukku atas perceraiaanku.

"you're like the best wife with the best sex in the whole world" pagi itu masih terngiang di pikiranku. aku bangkit membuka tirai kamar kami.
"i wish all our problems could be solved by sex. i really do"
lalu aku beranjak ke dapur setelah mengancingkan sekenanya kemeja kerja mantan suamiku di dekat tirai.
"i wonder what we can do to work this ouy. we've been so good together. almost perfect"
aku menuangkan espresso hangat untuknya, mengolah french toast kesukaannya dan mengembalikan tumpukan piring bersih dari sink ke rak.
"hey, do you wanna catch a movie tonight? it's your fav actress playing"
aku menggigit lembut apelku dan menyeduh segelas besar susu.
"hmm, no orange juice this morning? do you want me to grab one downstairs for you?"
aku membuang pandangan ke remote tv di sebelah piring rotinya. menyalakan tv dan larut dalam berita pagi itu.


kami selalu membicarakan apapun, tapi aku tidak. aku menyimpan lama jawaban atas setiap pertanyaannya. aku memendam dalam setiap tanggapan atas ucapannya. sampai akhirnya ketika otak dan hatiku bekerja sempurna bersama.

"we should get a divorce"
"oh, in thought i was the perfect wife?"
"you are, and i don't need you"
"yeah you're right.. let's get a divorce"



13 January 2013
hi you,
i hope everything is okay there. i'm really sorry you finally found out that he's re-married to one of my colleagues. gladly you've seperated now. as i'm on my huge project now, i'll be home next week and have some break for a couple of weeks. we can hang out if you want. just let me know if you need anything from here to be brought home. that's what friends are for.
xx


Aku selalu ragu, setiap orang baru yang dekat denganku akan seperti mantan suamiku. Aku selalu ragu, apakah otak dan hatiku akan terus memberiku ambigu. Aku selalu ragu, kalau jiwaku....satu.


Malam ini, aku membuang jauh bantal-bantalku, seperti kelembutannya terkalahkan oleh kerasnya lengan manyan suamiku. Dan seperti malam-malam biasa, aku mendengar dengungan kebencian dari setiap sentimeter bantal dikamarku; bantal-bantal yang terabaikan. Seperti mereka punya perasaan lebih peka dibanding dinginnya tatapanku. Dan seperti malam-malam biasa, aku tak bisa dengan kilat memejamkan mata tanpa membunuh halusinasi hangatnya lengan mantan suamiku. Bantalku kian murka, dan aku tetap mengabaikannya.

what nature tells me.

Saturday, 19 January 2013

people are tearing apart, they drift away and they change.
they call it evolving, the call it moving on, they call it growing up, they call it nature.
to me, it is a choice. it is a choice whether you're moving away from your current or previous life path.
it is a choice where you pick and throw people you like, you want and you need.
being around people, i think is unnecessary sometimes. it either hurts, is inequivalent, i disadvantageous or is irrelevant to certain significant life path. 
being with people, does affect my mind and feeling. 
being with people, requires sacrifices.
 i think being alone is safe.
i learn people, i interact, i communicate. i know always that being alone protects me.
alone protects me.

The landscape of life.

Sunday, 13 January 2013

I didn't know that it doesn't take me to be an architect, nor a designer to talk about this.



I think God has made it through, that humans must come back to Him. Probably I haven't gone too far to come back. Or, perhaps I've ran too fast that I'm getting closer to where I started.



This life, and how it's manufactured tickles me. This life's so complex that I just want to simplify it, no matter how hard I have to fight to make it simple. I just haven't succeeded yet. I start to build my own landscape after God made me one. It must not as brilliant as God's, but at least it's where I lay down all my creations, my imaginations and my preferences. My landscape.



I hold the blue print of my landscape, I build the maquette, I design the composition and I draw a straight line of the timetable. By the time it finishes, I'd gladly announce that I've out-kept my sleeping pattern to achieve what I wanted. And I would always be proud of my landscape, no matter how amazing God must've actually planned for me. My landscape.

being ill is fun.

Thursday, 10 January 2013

I'm off from work today, means I've got plenty of times to watch series, dvd, and of course, hanging out online with boyfriend. Ooops, yeah, that task. Well, see you tomorrow work.


Jadi belakangan ini, pikiran kalut saya banyak disebabkan oleh pilihan pekerjaan. Not to mention that being in a relationship confuses me, but I'd rather see it as a break even point where I've driven myself crazy for a year in Masters (ehm, and being single) and now it's time for me to at least enjoy the gasp of free air.


Jobless. Mungkin kata itu tepat mendeskripsikan saya secara keseluruhan, tapi tanggung jawab saya di kantor juga nggak segede dosa sih, biasa aja. Data input and analysis, trus decision making tetep ada sama Pak Bos, bukan saya. Jadi wajar dong kalo saya sebut diri saya 'anak magang'. Probably gonna achieve another extra miles within three months; new project.

JWT, I'm so coming to you. Once boyfriend's back in town for good, all I need is busy-ness, nothing else matters. Small pay doesn't bother me, but being academically, technically and creatively useful is what has been haunting me, it will be, I mean. So, advertising and communication agency will always be my first aim. JWT, I'm so coming to you.

the very last dinner

Thursday, 3 January 2013

...was a cup of warm soup and a slice of beef steak...


"I'm glad you're back in town. How's work?"
"It was okay. How's yours?"
"Been doing crazy things and orders everywhere about the stock. You know, people are getting smarter now, plus they're getting more demanding too. I guess both Karl Marx and Adam Smith would love to experience this era"
"Uh huh"
"I missed you. Tell me about your school plan. You're taking different major?"


It was 2 in the morning, he could not stop asking me questions I didn't bother to elaborate. I wish I could be as straightforward as him when he's bored.


"I love my job, but I too look forward to feeling the classroom atmosphere again. Could you give me a break about which one to choose? I think I'm confused enough without you asking about the details." I think I hurt him.
"I'm sorry, I'm just wondering if I could be any help."
"I'm sorry, I really am happy being here with you. I just wanna have some fresh air before gasping the bad one back there. And this talk isn't really what I want. I'm really sorry"
"That is completely fine. Let's talk about something else. What happened with your housemate? Is she okay?"


The clock has turned to 3 in the morning. I yawned and rested my head on his lap. He was still talking about the crisis and politics in the world. I love his smart talk.



"Liz, you okay? You fell asleep last night, the telly was on when I stepped in" Cam woke me up with her soft voice and the smelly coffee
"Hey, I'm fine. I've just had a dream going home and meet my boyfriend"
"Oh dear, I believe he's fine by now. You missed him, huh?" I think Cam almost gave me a comforting hug when I was about to move out from the living room and headed to my bedroom.



On the table, "That very last dinner dream was remarkable, you talked about things that I love, no matter how ignorant I have been lately. I missed you. Tom"
I read his latest post card sent last week. He's gone now.
I feel horrible, I'm a little creep that scared out of my own's boyfriend funeral.
I feel...

It's just....
The very actual last dinner was when he proposed to me. I keep on falling into pieces, up until today.

Note to Boyfriend

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Dear Boyfriend,


So I'm kinda impatient writing the time capsule that we always have. Besides, as you know how habitual my PDA is, then I'll just write here. Look at the hit-count on the right tab, yes! it's where the world can see, even probably be jealous of us. You too know how competitive I am, hence this (uhm, long) note is sort of the counter confession of how much I worship God for giving you in my life.


I'm trying to not sound gombal here, you're an asshole, you know that? You annoy me most of the times. You're irresistible. You're irresistibly annoying! You make me wanna jump into your lap and dig your brain out of your head. Hopefully you'll lose your logic and keep on loving me like you do now, until then. You know, just in case we change (because the world does), and you turn out to hate me, and when you don't have the brain, the heart will tell you to keep loving me, yeay!


Eh sayang! Have I told you how brilliant you are in making me wanting you all the time? Like nothing ever before, those two weeks++ we spent last winter were too much for a rookie LDR couple like us. We shouldn't have shared the best part of us when we just began dating, we should keep it for later when we're really together in one place. That memory makes me go crazy and wanna sneak in to any daily flight to your city now and make out right in the airport! I miss the smart and quality talk with you. I miss glaring at solid target of our nyinyir-ness. I miss listening to your silly thoughts and behaviour. I miss all the fun times I had with you


I'm not going to give you details here, you mostly know what happened and what I might want to say. I just wanna tell you now that by the time this post pulled out on my website, you would have known that I miss you so bad, you and your asshole-ness, your gentle touch and your fantastic way of looking at me as if I'm priceless. I repeat, I MISS YOU SO BAD!



We both keep saying that 'us' is unbelievable, I'm still thinking exactly the same; how can a person like you exist in this dumped earth! And you happen to like me too! I'm convinced it's either I made a massive kindness in the past or I've made a mental mistake that God punish me by giving you; a perfect person, in such perfect time, on perfect distance and with the perfect way! I might stay awake thousands of nights (which, no I won't. I might die of lack of sleeping) thinking any possibility that you're not the one for me.


Shit, do I sound cheesy now? Because I care about this more than I care about you're feeling (love, you made me cry the last time I read your post about me, so I don't know what this note may suggest you to). I don't wanna sound cheesy at all, I don't even wanna sound romantic nor sweet. I just wanna sound realistic and trustworthy. I love you. (Yeah man, imagine how sickening cute my face is when I say those three words AND I MEAN IT. I LOVE YOU).


I love you. You've made the best moves of having my whole life falls towards yours. It's like you're my gravity; I will always fall on, for, and to you. You're that special, sporty, generous, cute, accepting, loving and bright boyfriend that I could barely find nothing that I must not share with you. When you told me that you're like a trophy boyfriend, I used to say "no" because you're not just "good to exhibit" but you're also actually worth to keep, worth to love and worth to have. Umm, no, you're more than that! Unwritten!


I love you. You know how to mention things that make me feel special. And I don't care that we're gonna piss each other off mostly about football team or trashy music and movies to watch. You know we know how far we can accept each others' disagreement. You're fantastic on coping with all our differences and similarities. WTF!


I will never forget how amazing you are throughout this stupid distance (dear God, excuse the swearing, but thanks for the distance lesson) between us as the starting point of our relationship. No matter how vague (no, it's not at all, yang! it's hypothetical) we might be in the future, I somehow know we're still gonna make the best out of our togetherness now. Come on, you made us a Relationship Agreement! Who would do that in their relationships? So I assume, our relationship is like a business to you; mutual benefit! (if you know what I mean, lol). Uhm, frankly, it means we are formal, professional and serious about it.



You're an asshole, you can't let me stop wanting your hug and your gentle protective touch, can you? And I miss you too for that! Yeah, I'm gonna stop wishing any teleport ability or time machine thing and those imaginary Doraemon's gadgets to make me meet you. But yeah, that physical fighting and touching stuff adds up the level of insanity of being away from you, then again, this note can't even dispatch exactly what I really feel for you.


By the way, love, you know when I'm serious about and keen into one thing, I'll chase and work it out as madly as I can to make it true; look at how I gained my Masters degree, look at how we survive so far, look at how I managed to handle the two big babies around London those days (yeah, sorry I sound snob now, but that's what we are; SNOB COUPLE). Look at those? It's when I plan, I stick to it.

And now, we're reaching this new bloody 2013, (yeah time flies but I don't know why my longing for you doesn't, it stays in my brain and in my heart) and let me admit that I have some plans.

Looking at how asshole and wonderful you are as my significant other, superb boyfriend, I plan to run with you one morning, listen to our own earphones and keep talking while we run.
I plan to sit down in a quiet morning having breakfast with you and talk about many things in the world; the unthinkable ones. That talk that makes us think "holy fuck! I am so lucky finding you in my life that I never thought I would have had any of this conversation with anyone else!" and enjoy each other's company.
I plan to cook together with you one afternoon and enjoy the meal until we laugh while we wash the dishes. Yes, the idea of having a dishwasher is not my thing; not only it's an energy waste, it also took out our team-work quality in the kitchen.
I plan to sink ourselves in a comfy couch watching our favourite movies and discuss it. I know we will mostly mock, but then the cuddling is the best part too.
I plan to stay intellect, not to impress you, but to keep our remarkable first meeting that day in a seminar. And I'm always thankful that I can have someone who understands Freudian, hindsight, and many others geek-nerd terms without judging me.
I plan to browse good music and prove you that my music knowledge is broad, and that's what makes you love me for more. We can dance, I promised teaching you the Salsa, right!
I plan to have a random date with you so we can always feel that abege spirit of relationship. You never asked me to be your girlfriend, man! The only question you asked was "would you be mine?" and that's it. Phew!
I plan to always pray with you every night before we sleep so I can focus on what I want and tell it straight to God that I only want you, to lead me in His way.
I plan to cater to you and tell you things that make you happy, even when they don't, I'm gonna tell it in a happy way so you'll be just okay all the time.
I plan to comfort you when you need me and whenever you want me to be around. When we're both tired of the day, we just lie down, stare at the ceiling, holding hands and stay silent until we fall asleep. Because seeing your morning smile is always the best mood booster of the day; to wake up not alone.

It's just too many to write here; what I plan. But you know what my master plan is? I plan to love you.
It's actually what I've been doing recently, so I plan to keep on loving you.



Afterall, let's roll this 2013. I wish you the most enjoyable time in Leeds and England, with your M.Sc programmes, with your self-plans, with your upcoming seasons, with all your handsomeness and I look forward to seeing, kissing, hugging, teasing, kicking, punching, loving, kidding, sniffing you, very berry merry soon, love!



Tonnes of kisses,
YOUR FREAK GIRLFRIEND.





P.S:
When I see you, dear Gamal Arshad Sidharta, please remind me to scratch your face. Yes, you know I'm always violent to you, that is for how much you make me wanna hug you tight, not letting you go. I cannot find any other way to show that I love you so much other than being utterly offensive and aggressive; while all the romantic things have been done by any other cheesy mainstream couple (no offense, kids). Does this note relieve you and your curiosity? xx