Today,
so many things have changed.
We are no longer in a long distance relationship, we are now like normal couple.
We go out every weekend, talk about random things as if we always share random ideas and thoughts. We fight and make up very quick and very wise.
My boyfriend is no longer sweet and romantic, he said the phase has over and we can't stay there forever. We need to move on and just do things as they are.
I no longer have his public attention afraid of being called over possessing (or him feeling over possessed), and every single care he takes over me is just a formality and habitual; because we're getting use to it. We're getting use to be together and now we're just doing things as they are now, very normal and predictable. No soul, no enthusiasm, no lovely spirit, not even a cheerfulness, just flat.
Sometimes I missed the old him, the old us when we thought that everything will be as cute as we thought would always were. Sometimes I missed him saying good things to me, or at least something that makes me feel special. Sometimes I want him to hold and hug me longer like he used to because it's very comfortable to be in his arms.
But then I remember, he said it's over. And if I keep on pushing him doing things that he don't like, I'm honestly afraid of making him feel uncomfortable, which I'd die to avoid making him feel that way. I always want to make him feel ok, fun and comfortable, no matter how I, most of the times, failed.
You (and even him, I think) probably think why do I still with him up until today. Do you know what keeps me going? The thought of how satisfied I am every time I feel like I love him full heartedly; sincerely. I never expect anything in return and sometimes it makes him feel sort of guilty or owed, I said he doesn't have to feel so, he still feels owed I think. Yes, it's "owed", not really "happy". I don't know actually, I rarely want to guess what he feels, he's emotionless when it comes to feelings in our relationship. We talked about this, I explained that this is me and this is my way of expressing my affection. I don't know if he does understand or not, but he doesn't seem happy. Not as happy as when he's around and having fun with his friends. This makes me sad sometimes. Not jealous, I'm not jealous, I'm in fact happy if he can be cheered by his friends. But what makes me sad is that I wish I could make him feel as happy as when he's happy like really happy. You know what I mean? Really happy, not owed.
I once thought I was uninteresting and boring, which I know I am. But the positive side of me told me that he loves me, and he shows that he does. And whatever that he's doing, it's the way he expresses love and affection and comfortability with someone that he cares about. He may not as sweet and as romantic as any other guy, not even as much as how he used to be, but I can feel that he's truly, straightly committed to a relationship; our relationship.
Although sometimes it's hard to tell if he loves me or not, if he's happy or not when he's with me, but I'd just think positively that at least he has always tried to understand me and fulfil what I want, like doing things that will make me happy, or go somewhere with me to make me cheerful. Those things are touchy. Those little things outweighed the horrible things he could have never done to me, I always forgive him automatically. And thankfully, it's enough for me to just know that he cares if I have eaten or not, or a sudden buzz on the chat asking what I'm up to, and simply responding to stupid jokes I tell him. I'm just so very happy by the simple things he does.
I always feel grateful for having him in my life, especially when it crosses my mind if I'd have to go through one day without him; so empty and weird. No more text messages and silly emoticons on chat. Then the thought of he might not be as sad as I am if we're apart makes me a bit relieved, that love is not always about quality nor quantity, it's about the consistency and acceptance. He teaches me those two things in our relationship. I'm so happy. I'm just so happy because he lets me love him and express my love the way I want it to be. I'm so happy that he sticks around no matter how hard I am to handle. I'm so happy that he shows me another way to love someone. His way.
 |
| he has the warmest hug, I crave it. |