Last weekend, I went two days straight only with mu husband.
Where? Nowhere significant; a movie date, wedding reception and a day out in campus.
Saturday.
We watched Spiderman Homecoming, and I decided to use my simple bag without baby stuff in it. I didn't check what was inside until I sat nicely at a 'sweetbox' seat - a seat for couples in a cinema, and opened my bag to reach my phone. I was shocked it was so empty but only purse, one lipstick, a hand sanitizer, a body lotion and a pantyliner. Then I realised this was my just-married bag, the one I used when we just got married and I was still full of myself back then. I didn't need to carry any diapers, clothes, bibs, baby powder, and minyak telon. I didn't have toys in it, I didn't even have wet AND facial tissue. I was so... simple, light & alone.
At night after the movie, we went to a relative's wedding. I didn't bring my bag at all. Even my phone was dead and I left everything in the car. All I held was my husband's hand. That's all.
I realised without baby I was so carefree, easy & alone with my husband.
Sunday.
It was a halal bihalal day at work. I went with my husband only and quite content he woke up very early on a Sunday. I brought the same bag like yesterday, but this time I decided to put something more so it doesn't feel so weird. Again, it was still empty enough compared to what I have always been carrying for the past 12 months. I didn't know a year could mean so much to my life. On our way home, I managed not to open the souvenir I got from the event. I said "ini buat Sky kan dia suka kado kadoan". Then I realised I was so into her. I was reminded of her most of the times and I couldn't imagine if she wasn't here.
If it wasn't Skylar, I wonder who waited for me at home.
If it wasn't for her, who would I bring things home for.
If it wasn't because of her, what was my many reasons to... stay alive, stay challenged, and stay sober.
I realised that beyond the carefree life, the light bag, and the simple packing list, there is a baby who needs me so much without realising it. There is this innocent human being who started to run each time she sees me come home from work. There is this little monster who bites and kisses after. There is this pretty angel whom God gives as my life purpose.
So I chose to be a mother -bring all her stuff inside my bag, carry her around with or without stroller, and outpour my personal stuff so I could squeeze her stuff- rather than being alone.