it's December. All over again.

I've been thinking to just do my day by the lunar calendar. Not because I want to feel religious, but actually I want some things to be shorter than 365 bullshit the Roman has. Well, but it all comes crashing down by the social common rule where I live that Roman rules.

And this is what I tell you:

I've just had a dream of publicly humiliated Maggie. It felt so good. So good that I wanna go back to sleep to keep on doing it. There is no sin in dreams. It's subconscious world & no one can interfere.

Bliss.

countdown to another lie

Day 6 

19 November 2020

It's getting easier each day, at the same time harder.

Because fish will always smell wherever they're hidden.

I smell something fishy, so either I have a sucker's nose, or something isn't just right.

I'm about to find out.

Each day is getting smoother for me & harder for him. Until they day it comes.

countdown to another lie

Day 5

18 November 2020

What do you think I'm waiting for? Is it worth the wait?

It was nice today, got to talk to another couple about we solve relationship issue when it comes to being honest.

I guess each couple has their own way & their closure.

Mine? Still learning which one actually suits me.

Nervous, so nervous.

When you have so much doubt in your head & your heart.

countdown to another lie

Day 4

17 November 2020

It's tiring to do things all over again.

It's tiring to always questioning the same thing.

It's very tiring to build that wall back up.

It's tiring to be doubtful about hindsight moments.

Yey I haven't stopped.

Why?

countdown to another lie

 Day 3

16 November 2020

Shit, the temptation to go through his property came again. And it hit very hard.

I was shaking but a glass of warm water helped me, I took a deep breath and went back to sleep.

I tried to think positive and I had my affirmation and mantra to get me back to sleep again.

It was horrible, the feeling is horrible.

countdown to another lie

Day 2

15 November 2020

Day 2, we had a waterfall day.

Nothing.

Other than the same guilty excitement like yesterday, today was nothing new.

Not yet the terms I gave, not yet the committment I expected.

And again I have to self-doubt & self-question if I am the bad guy, if I made a wrong decision by being soft (again).

Again, I wonder & tempted.

But let's wait, it's only been day 2.

Until the next time I got you.

countdown to another lie

Day 1 

14 November 2020

He's sweet.

I don't have to tell the details but I'm just gonna jot down what I noticed on the way today.

He stared at me when I accidentally caught him inputting his password to his phone.

He's very sweet the way I like it.

We talked politics & we agreed on few things we laughed at.

He's sweet & let's see how long it lasts.