How to End April with Mindfulness

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I have read quite many this week. I attended more classes than I ever have before along my time here. And this weekend I'm stranded in an island called academic-orgasm land.

Aku masih half belief that I can be accepted here, I always felt incapable in intellectual environment; modalku cuma: gue penasaran, gue pengen tau. 

It's exhilarating.... Aku udah bertahun-tahun nggak berjauhan dari practical world and logical way of thinking. Bahkan di UK aja semua risetku berat ke case case dan aku membedahnya pake teori. 

Tapi di level S3 ini aku disuruh mikir kebalik, pahami cara berpikir baru apply ke case atau cari case-nya.. Let alone in UGM, the world knows how UGM is about theoretical stance. I never feel right, I never feel enough with what I know, I always crave more. The more I read papers and books, the more lost I am. Ini rasa yg sama waktu di UK karena bacaan disana rich banget bahkan aku bisa seharian bolak balik rak buku komunikasi psikologi politik (karena di lantai yg sama bukunya).

Maybe this is what it means to actually learn.

Not the kind of learning that gives you answers, but the kind that quietly dismantles everything you thought you understood. The kind that stretches your mind to the point where clarity is no longer immediate, where confusion is not failure, but a sign that something is shifting.

Mungkin aku memang belum “sampai” ke mana-mana.

But maybe that’s not the point.

Maybe being here is not about proving that I am capable, or that I belong in this intellectual space. Maybe it’s about staying, despite the doubt, despite the discomfort, and letting myself think in ways I’ve never allowed before,

Karena kalau dipikir-pikir, rasa tersesat ini bukan hal baru.

It has always been there; di antara rak buku, di sela-sela teori, di tengah kalimat yang aku baca berulang-ulang tapi tetap terasa asing.

The difference is, this time, I’m not trying to escape it. I’m sitting with it. And for now, that feels enough.





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