tulisan hampa

I just had to add number 2 at the end of this title, because I feel like this is a re-reflective writing. Talked to shrink yesterday, just brief talk of me breaking down what I've been lately, and she said: 1. Why do you have to always be so rational and put things into logical order? 2. When was the last time you feel sad? And express your sadness? 3. Do you punch back when someone punches you? 4. What is your realest coping mechanism other than being in denial at most of the times? I said, "I don't see the point of making stuff harder and more complicated........." Then she cut me : " You always say 'I don't', you always negate everything that goes against your favour, and that makes you even more distant to the question you have been asking " At the end of an hour session, I came to a conclusion: I deny pain, I let things slide too often that there has never been a clear solution. Only escape after escape. Only postponed problems. Only endless...

I truly believe it was a piss of a racoon. Or a little fox's at least. It smells weirdly good. It's completely weird when you like something so disgusting because it smells good. To find beauty in what’s repulsive, to let one sense reign while the others wait in silence. Remember, smelling is not the only sense in you. There are other senses, the ones you have ignored while you maxed yourself in your smelling sense. So after that smell gone. Let's go back to the rest but the smelling, even if it means turning your smelling sense off for a while. It's good for you. You've been on the wrong way of defining what is good for you. I think you even deceived yourself about what is good for you, that's bad. So here's a new direction. Get over some senses for a while and focus on the others. You will recover, and everything will be fine again. Redirecting is not a bad thing, even at some point it is necessary. Let's go.

Kita terbiasa berpikir bahwa rindu muncul karena kehilangan. Tapi ternyata, rindu juga bisa tumbuh dari kehadiran yang sengaja dijauhkan. Bukan karena tak ingin dekat, melainkan karena tahu; kedekatan tanpa jeda bisa kehilangan makna. Dalam jeda, ada waktu untuk mengingat tanpa tergesa. Ada ruang untuk bertanya pada diri sendiri: apakah yang kita rasakan masih sama, atau justru tumbuh dalam diamnya? Rasa rindu yang terjaga bukanlah perasaan yang menyiksa, melainkan tanda bahwa sesuatu masih hidup di dalam diri — meski tak lagi dipegang erat. Ia seperti cahaya kecil di sudut hati, yang tak padam meski malam datang panjang. Mungkin memang begitulah cinta yang matang: Ia tahu kapan harus mendekat, dan kapan harus menjaga jarak. Bukan untuk menjauh, tapi untuk menjaga agar rasa tetap bernapas. Dan di antara jeda itu, rindu menjadi lebih jernih. Bukan tentang ingin memiliki, tapi tentang menghargai — bahwa kehadiran tidak harus selalu dekat, untuk tetap terasa. And if you miss me, this post...

November always feels like that quiet in-between month — belum benar-benar akhir tahun, tapi juga bukan lagi “masa sibuk” yang penuh semangat awal. It’s the calm before whatever December brings. A kind of stillness, but not entirely still. Not as much as I love September, but November is quite something too. This year, November feels… full. Full of waiting, mostly. Waiting for approvals, feedbacks, green lights. For ideas to become something more than proposals. For my name to appear in an email subject line that could possibly change the next few years of my life. I can’t say much — not yet — but I’m applying for something big. Something that sounds so formal and academic, yet so deeply personal to me. Between drafts, revisions, and endless forms, I keep thinking: what if this is it? What if this is where everything starts to unfold? Di sisi lain, November juga membawa excitement yang lain; travelling with my mom. It feels surreal, honestly. We’ve talked about it for year...

  It’s strange, how a feeling can both lift you and drown you at the same time. I call it swingforce — that pulse that starts somewhere deep in the chest, travels up to your head, and refuses to leave. Loving someone, perhaps blindly, feels like that. It’s wrong, maybe. I know it’s wrong. But the more I tell myself to stop, the more my mind circles back to them, like gravity that ignores logic. Like the body remembering a rhythm the soul never agreed to dance to. There are moments that pump this heart faster and the beats become harder; a text, a glance, a memory. Each time it happens, there’s this rush, almost like adrenaline; thrilling, dangerous, addictive. It’s not love in its purest form; it’s love tangled with chaos, maybe even guilt. Tapi anehnya, justru di sanalah letak swingforce itu bekerja. It’s not just emotion, it’s sensation.  It floods the brain, hijacks the heart, and whispers, “Just one more time.” Sometimes I wonder, is this what being alive feels...

Kadang aku mikir (kebanyakan mikir emang ya): kenapa ya, menjaga alam dianggap amal, tapi jualan handphone dibilang jenius? Strange world, isn’t it? We praise people who invent faster phones, smarter apps, shinier screens — and call them innovators . But when someone spends their life replanting trees or cleaning the ocean, we call them volunteers . It’s beautiful, yes, but also… kind of sad. Seolah-olah, doing good for the planet itu cuma bonus. Something you do after you’ve made enough money, after your brand gets big, after your company can afford CSR. Padahal tanpa alam, semua itu nggak akan ada. No oxygen, no phone signal, no market. Just silence. I've just even realised that the CSR-related subject in schools are highlighted for the kindness and charitable action instead. A bit shameful about it now. Tapi entah kenapa, kita hidup di dunia di mana value diukur dari profit , bukan dari purpose . Selling phones? That’s “innovation.” Conserving nature? That’s “charity.” --- May...