tulisan hampa

aku duduk terpojok di ranjang besarku, berpikir keras sendirian tentang penyebab perceraianku. masih jelas teringat di sudut lain kasur itu, aku bercinta dengan mantan suamiku malam sebelumnya, kami bicara seru tentang pekerjaannya, tentang mimpi-mimpiku. setiap pagi, mulai kali ini, senyumku terulas pada sebuah bantal, kosong. tidak ada lagi bantal menumpu kepalaku, tidakpun lengannya menyangga leherku. aku namun tidak merasa sepi. pagi-pagi kali ini, senyumku makin banyak terlempar, ke barang-barang kenangan kami. sungguh suatu kebingungan untukku atas perceraiaanku. "you're like the best wife with the best sex in the whole world" pagi itu masih terngiang di pikiranku. aku bangkit membuka tirai kamar kami. "i wish all our problems could be solved by sex. i really do" lalu aku beranjak ke dapur setelah mengancingkan sekenanya kemeja kerja mantan suamiku di dekat tirai. "i wonder what we can do to work this ouy. we've been so good together. ...

people are tearing apart, they drift away and they change. they call it evolving, the call it moving on, they call it growing up, they call it nature. to me, it is a choice. it is a choice whether you're moving away from your current or previous life path. it is a choice where you pick and throw people you like, you want and you need. being around people, i think is unnecessary sometimes. it either hurts, is inequivalent, i disadvantageous or is irrelevant to certain significant life path.  being with people, does affect my mind and feeling.  being with people, requires sacrifices.  i think being alone is safe . i learn people, i interact, i communicate. i know always that being alone protects me. alone protects me.

I didn't know that it doesn't take me to be an architect, nor a designer to talk about this. I think God has made it through, that humans must come back to Him. Probably I haven't gone too far to come back. Or, perhaps I've ran too fast that I'm getting closer to where I started. This life, and how it's manufactured tickles me. This life's so complex that I just want to simplify it, no matter how hard I have to fight to make it simple. I just haven't succeeded yet. I start to build my own landscape after God made me one. It must not as brilliant as God's, but at least it's where I lay down all my creations, my imaginations and my preferences. My landscape. I hold the blue print of my landscape, I build the maquette, I design the composition and I draw a straight line of the timetable. By the time it finishes, I'd gladly announce that I've out-kept my sleeping pattern to achieve what I wanted. And I would always be proud of my ...

I'm off from work today, means I've got plenty of times to watch series, dvd, and of course, hanging out online with boyfriend. Ooops, yeah, that task. Well, see you tomorrow work. Jadi belakangan ini, pikiran kalut saya banyak disebabkan oleh pilihan pekerjaan. Not to mention that being in a relationship confuses me, but I'd rather see it as a break even point where I've driven myself crazy for a year in Masters (ehm, and being single) and now it's time for me to at least enjoy the gasp of free air. Jobless. Mungkin kata itu tepat mendeskripsikan saya secara keseluruhan, tapi tanggung jawab saya di kantor juga nggak segede dosa sih, biasa aja. Data input and analysis, trus decision making tetep ada sama Pak Bos, bukan saya. Jadi wajar dong kalo saya sebut diri saya 'anak magang'. Probably gonna achieve another extra miles within three months; new project. JWT, I'm so coming to you. Once boyfriend's back in town for good, all I need is busy-n...

...was a cup of warm soup and a slice of beef steak... "I'm glad you're back in town. How's work?" "It was okay. How's yours?" "Been doing crazy things and orders everywhere about the stock. You know, people are getting smarter now, plus they're getting more demanding too. I guess both Karl Marx and Adam Smith would love to experience this era" "Uh huh" "I missed you. Tell me about your school plan. You're taking different major?" It was 2 in the morning, he could not stop asking me questions I didn't bother to elaborate. I wish I could be as straightforward as him when he's bored. "I love my job, but I too look forward to feeling the classroom atmosphere again. Could you give me a break about which one to choose? I think I'm confused enough without you asking about the details." I think I hurt him. "I'm sorry, I'm just wondering if I could be any help." ...

Dear Boyfriend, So I'm kinda impatient writing the time capsule that we always have. Besides, as you know how habitual my PDA is, then I'll just write here. Look at the hit-count on the right tab, yes! it's where the world can see, even probably be jealous of us. You too know how competitive I am, hence this (uhm, long) note is sort of the counter confession of how much I worship God for giving you in my life. I'm trying to not sound gombal here, you're an asshole, you know that? You annoy me most of the times. You're irresistible. You're irresistibly annoying! You make me wanna jump into your lap and dig your brain out of your head. Hopefully you'll lose your logic and keep on loving me like you do now, until then. You know, just in case we change (because the world does), and you turn out to hate me, and when you don't have the brain, the heart will tell you to keep loving me, yeay! Eh sayang! Have I told you how brilliant you are in makin...