WELCOME TO MY BLOG.
How did you arrive here? I think it's Instagram, or perhaps the thing we talked about that night?
Yes, it's gonna be in English this time, because I don't always do things the way I said them; Indonesian title and English content. It's what's wrong with me.
Someone came to me telling random topics that I loved to talk about. I got into deep in the conversation and find this person interesting. There might be one or two times I hit it off, but this person might not notice. Or maybe they did, but they just didn't wanna get lost and focus on that. That's normal.
Our relationship went very well and we connect most of the times; any jokes, any things, any ideas and any places we always met. I think I read something about that; a chemistry. Well, I was a language student. Linguistic was my expertise, and all I know, ontologically, chemistry belongs in science class. So basically I suck bad times at chemistry. So maybe I am wrong to label it chemistry. Maybe it was just -what social people say- a fling. And as a language person, I call it..... phrase.
Oh, yeah, go ahead, Google what 'phrase' means. You'll see it's something philosophically language stuff.
Anyway.
Our relationship went okay. We agreed on the phrase "kan ada aku" whenever each of us needs a shoulder to lean on, or a pair of ears to listen, or a couple of eyes to stare at when we are in doubt. That phrase is what we hold on to, "kan ada aku".
We grew dependently. I basically call this person on daily basis for stupid things, as well as the important decisions I have to make. FYI, I called this person once just to ask him what colour should we use for bathroom tiles in my new flat. I also called this person to confirm if one of the legislative members in our government system was really gay.
This person does the same. This person once called me just to help him decide what cereal is better; frutty loops or granola. One day I received a call when the boss in the office asked them out and whether this person should say yes or decline it. It was a huge decision we both made for each other. We let it slip under the phrase of "kan ada aku".
Until one day,
"Salah satu cewek yang dulu aku pernah deketin, sekarang hamil. Dan dia minta aku tanggung jawab"
"....."
"Please aku nggak siap buat nikahin dia, karena it was a one night stand, and I honestly don't believe that it is my baby"
"....."
"Aku nggak kebayang Papa Mamaku akan hancur seperti apa kalo aku bawa kabar ini ke mereka. Aku juga masih ada kontrak dinas dengan kantor sampe taun depan. Aku bingung"
"....."
"Aku harus gimana ya?"
"Hmm..."
"Please...."
For the first time in our long term relationship, I didn't have the guts to say "kan ada aku". Inside me, I wanted to scream "well what the fuck?" This isn't a rare and new thing for me. Neither for this person. We are very familiar to this issue; stupid one night stand sex. SO STUPID.
Since that night, I think at least until the month after, we haven't heard anything from each other. It was the coldest month for me. I removed some names and some quick dial numbers, just to restrain myself from calling anyone especially this person. I stared blankly at the ceiling each night, remembering what went wrong that one of us actually had sex with someone else while we had each other. What went wrong?
It's the third month we haven't talked to each other. We don't cross path in any ways, and this person didn't even call me or check me up. The third month, I managed to not search this person's name on internet, and I guess this person managed to do the same. One night this person knocked on my flat.
"Maaf ya sempet ilang.. aku boleh masuk?"
"Yes, please"
Honestly I was numb. I didn't know how to act or what to say. I only looked down to the floor waiting for this person to drop the main purpose of coming to me on our third month away.
"Kamu marah ya?"
"Enggak sih... cuma bingung aja harus gimana dan ngomong apa. How are you?"
"You know, dia bilang itu bukan anakku. I was relieved for a while, tapi takut juga"
"Out of all the things we have shared and told each other, aku nggak kepengen denger ini dan gimana terusannya. Aku pikir kamu akan nikahin dia, makanya aku juga nggak cari atau kontak kamu"
"Kenapa?"
"Maybe because we need to stop seeing each other"
"Just because I knocked someone up?"
"Yes?"
We stayed in silent for quite some minutes. This person came to me closer and held my hand. I refused and sat back. My chin was lifted and this person stared my eyes.
"I met her on Tinder..."
I didn' t want to hear further, I shut my eyes, but the story was continued.
"We met in a bar, had some drinks and both lost it. We went to my place and it happened. I wore my protection, and was quite sure I was safe."
"I really don't want to and don't need to hear this, please. Ini bukan urusanku"
"She left immediately that night, we did not stay til the morning. We still texted the days after, tapi lalu aku bosan dan merasa, I am not that into her. There was no more sex or meeting up"
I stayed silent, closed my eyes tighter hoping I don't have mental image of this person with me.
"I was so broken that night. Tau nggak kenapa?"
I finally opened my eyes and stared back at this person, questioning the hypothetical statement and started to become angry. I remember very well the date this person mentioned and the moment he described. We had a nice dinner in our friend's new restaurant, we talked about the new car Toyota was launching and we had disagreement on how the marketing should be done in our country. It was a silly debate as usual. So now when this person said that they were "so broken" I started to stare him back and yell inside my head "because you're a dick! You're an irresponsible asshole and you just suck at handling women!" Before I could even open my mouth, he continued "karena kamu nggak mau jadi pacarku"
"What the fuck?"
My hands were locked in this person's. I couldn't resist his face and hands.
"How the fuck did you put me in this crazy loophole when you just couldn't control your stupid dick?"
"No, ini bukan salah kamu. Aku juga nggak mau drag you down to this shit. But it's true. It's one thing that leads to another, but the base cause is because I have fallen for you. And it strikes me so bad I wanted to have you. I wanted us to not be just "kan ada aku" partner. I wanted us to be a real partner for each other. I love you, and maybe that's what's wrong."
"Go!"
I stood up and ask this person to go away, I stood up and opened the door. I said I didn't want to meet this person again.
This person left.
It's me again with my indecisiveness. It's me again with unmatched things I say and I do.
It's me again breaking the phrase I made for myself. It's me again losing another person only because.....
"Eh, kita kan udah lama nih jalan bareng, pake frase kan ada aku setiap saat.."
"hmm, terus?"
"Aku ngerasa.. seneng aja setiap sama kamu, bahkan saat kamu lagi menyebalkan sekali, atau bahkan saat kita lagi saling berantem nggak jelas... aku selalu seneng jalanin itu sama kamu"
"okay... and then?"
"Would you be my official girlfriend? I don't want to lose you"
"Wait, what do you mean you don't want to lose me? Selama ini aku bukan your girlfriend and you never lose me. Why don't we keep it this way?"
"Tuh kan, selalu deh nggak fokus sama masalah intinya.. Nggak mood aku"
"Masalah intinya kamu lebay. You know I am not going anywhere"
"No, I am gonna lose you if I don't make you my girlfriend"
"That's bullshit. It's not gonna happen!"
"Apa yang not gonna happen? You becoming my girlfriend atau you are not gonna leave me?"
"Dude, seriously? What the hell is wrong with you? We were okay now and then, why are you ruining this?"
"What is wrong WITH YOU? I am asking if you want to be my girlfriend, dan kamu kemana-mana bahasannya tanpa jawab jelas pertanyaan dan permintaanku!"
"I can't believe this"
then we both left the place in anger.
Now it's me again being me; distracted & confused.
Now I am sleeping on the bed I made; I never mean what I say. And I never do what I say.
I am so stupid, lost and confused.
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