They call it Covid-19, I call it full of shit self-quarantine. Sorry it's harsh, because my life is too.
For the past six weeks we are advised to keep ourselves in distant with anyone, ANYONE basically. The idea is absurd, the whole system, the outbreak, the coverage, and the circumstances are absurd. Believe me, there is one thing that is not: my COVID19 story.
It's been six weeks that I am seeing this guy, and it's the most marvellous journey for the past 2 years for me. After the whole rollercoaster life-phase I had to go through, I met someone who, surprisingly, managed to put up with my down times at most of our interactions. He saw me broke down, he saw me angry, & he saw me in the worst version of me: being indecisive. If I were him, I would definitely runaway from our second date. Disastrous moody me. But he stayed. And I don't know how.
I know why, though, he is longing for someone to rely on. He is having another life-crisis and meeting someone who is like him but different gender is tantalising. He's fired up and challenged with everything about us; how we talk, how we think, how we see life, how we survived our last hardship in our family.
We have our challenge, and we are facing it: our gap. Age, financial, social status & mental condition. We are four years apart age-wise, I am older and more tired than him maybe. Financially, I make more money than him, let alone our family background. I am a divorcee, and he is a carefree single man. Mentally, I am seeking for remedy for my broken soul, and he is so prepared to settle down.
Are those gaps for you? I think they are for me, yet so far he always believes and convinces me that nothing is impossible if we wight for it, together. TOGETHER. That's the term I barely believe and am always so sarcastic towards. What does togetherness mean? I've had moments of togetherness and it's not always my greatest element. There are days I'd rather be alone.
Some days, I'd rather be alone and be a single fighter. Those days are the ones I feel I am strong and independent. Until socially it's wrong and risky. It's full of depiction and judgement. It's full of suspicion and protection.
Some nights, I'm so confused about life. Having no one to lean on and to ask question to is lonely and sad. Those are the nights I think I need a pillow-talk before I shut my eyes and be sure that tomorrow will be better. But then that means I am sharing my life and vulnerability to someone else, again. It's the fearful nights I end up crying or just praying for hours.
It's not always easy for me to be a divorcee with two kids. There are so many things that I need to consider and I only have my own shoulders to lean on. I only have myself to trust and manage. Whenever I want to share thoughts or just some rants, I stare at the wall, my bathroom wall and say the whole thing to it. Sad, isn't it? But that's the safest thing I could do, avoiding another harm to myself and my heart.
It's going to be a hard journey, the past six weeks has proven it. I don't see it as something easy, but I can tell maybe, only maybe, I can enjoy it. I don't know. This is usually the second where I just shrug it off and bring your name in my 1/3 night awakening. Well, I always will.
(Tuesday, 28 April 2020 - 21:37 Jakarta time)
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