About that New Relationship People (and I) Doubt About

In the very slightest faith, I doubt every single fate written for me beautifully.
The last relationship has got me into the deepest worst part of me, and it slammed me so hard I thought I wouldn't be able to get back up again.

Then Raka came. In a very weird way.
At the very weird time. During the very annoying covid season.

Then Raka came to say hi.
Yes, that's him. His nerdy glasses, sleek short hair and neat jacket.
An easy scooter with two helmets always ready.
He brought a million more surprise within a week, and I didn't even have any word of where to start describing things between us.
Perhaps it's like.. finding a male version of me.
Kind, intelligent, warm, sincere, vulnerable.... tricky.
Perhaps.

We had many songs during trips, we had many laughs, we had silly arguments.
We had differences.
We is me and Eqi.

It's not different with Raka this time.
What makes it different is just the words he chooses and actions he makes.
What makes it different is the way he looks at me and how he delivers his ideas perfectly.
What makes it different is his simple English and complex Indonesian.
What makes it different is his track record of love story and self-actualisation.
What makes it different is his warmth. His presence. His idea of existence.
Well, it's different with Raka this time, then.

He asked me out, I said no.
He asked me out again, I said no.
He kept asking me out, in hours I said yes.
In hours between, I broke down, I threw phone, I yelled, I almost hit myself again.
In hours between, he held my hands despite his anger and disappointment.
In hours between, he hugged me despite his confusion and self-doubt.
In hours between, he managed to convince me that I have him around.
In hours between, he got inside my head and told me that I need to share that burden.

What burden?
Days, and sometimes nights, I wonder, what burden?
Oh, that past relationship. The ups and downs with a husband and two kids.
The back and forth feelings of disappointment and expectation.
The left and right when I had to make hard choices
The tears and loneliness of 1/3 nights above my prayer mat.
That burden? No.
It's called life, not burden.

What burden?
The unknown future. Another bet of life.
Another round of falling in love. Another round of backing off when things are not right.
Another round of getting attached and holding myself back from exposure.
Another round of self-control and time management.
Another round of heavy breaths and uncontrollable sweats.
Another round of doubting, believing, questioning, and relieving situations.

Is that the burden he means?
Is that what we are about to oversee together?
Is that what he thinks I am ready for?
Is that what we both want and need now and then?
Is that what the reality is?
Is this love?
Is this a rebound love?
Is this a long lasting one?

Let's find out.