Let me tell you first why it's fun for me. it's fun, because I feel free. I'm no longer responsible for someone else's happiness. Someone who does not even care about my happiness. Being single means I'm free. There's no other words than "free" that could describe what I feel and what I am right now. So if you're wondering if I've been trapped in my marriage, yes I was. So when I'm released AKA receiving the paper, I'm so relieved.
And now let me tell you the downside of it.
Parenting, single parenting.
I'm so glad I feel free, and that means I'm happy. For all I know, when I'm happy, my kids are happy too. In the beginning it was hard to explain to them where their father is. Along the time, I learned to manage my emotions and be able to tell them about what's going on in a very fun storytelling way. I am super glad that they are very understanding, they are brilliant and they care about my feeling. And here comes the downside: social pressure.
the social pressure of being a single parent is much harder than I thought and I imagined. I thought people would just ignore me and let me live the way I want to live my life, I was wrong. People "care" so much about me or at least they LOOK like they care while I know for a fact, they're only curious and being nosey.
Not only that, oh, there are also some situations that require me to have a perfect picture of a family, LITERALLY and figuratively, and it hits me so hard when it comes to my kids education and environment. "Where is your father, kid?" kind of question is my ultimate guilt I put them in.
Yeah, can you see it? One day they require me to have a picture of my kid and a family picture. Ridiculous.
Technically I can do that, I can ask my ex-husband to come over and take a picture of us but I'm not going to do that. Alternatively, I can ask my brother to come and just pose for the picture. But what fears me is the fact that one day my kids are going to look at to the picture and question what happened in this picture.
If you were me, what would you answer?
No, let me rephrase it, how do you answer and explain your divorce reason? Of course I've plenty cool and diplomatic answers to that. I can read Wikipedia, I can consult psychiatrist, I can talk to child psychologist. I can do anything to find the answer to the question, theoretically. THEORETICALLY.
But emotionally? would you suggest me to not improve my emotion when it comes to explaining what actually happened to you family & to your marriage? emotionally, what would you answer to a disappointment from a kid who doesn't have perfect parents? Emotionally, how could you answer a daughter's question about her father?
As a daughter who was raised by a perfect couple parents, I feel my childhood was the best, or at least was an ideal one, based on social construction of course. But for my kids, I have to set another standard of happy parents, and I struggle to find the references for who else is also a divorcee, let alone be a good role model.
Also, I have to explain to them that divorce is not a normal thing, and it's not something that you have to do, and it is not an ideal thing. In fact, you should try so hard to not have it.
Emotionally, how do you tell them about the idea of a divorce? How do you plant the idea of getting a divorce is not an ideal thing, yet if you're having it, it doesn't mean you're not okay? How?
It took me seven days on the sunny June to figure out how I manage my feelings, control my emotions & make my mood stable. In. Front. Of. My. Kids.
How do you look okay without faking it? How do you explain to your kids when they grow up and they finally realise you've been to faking the whole thing the whole time?
Those questions. No matter how many things I've research, no matter how many advice I've heard. I still can't figure it out.
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