tulisan hampa

Iya. Kamu selalu kesal setiap senja karena kamu takut gelap. Menurutmu, senja adalah waktu terburuk karena itu artinya harimu selesai, produktivitasmu harus tertunda, dan kamu harus mengakhiri hal yang kamu nikmati. Aku mempelajari kesalmu selama beberapa hari, lalu kubuat pola tentang kenapa kamu kesal dan apa yang kamu lakukan saat kamu kesal. Menurutmu, Senja suka mengganggu dan tidak bisa memahamimu seperti makhluk lainnya. Sedikit sekali mungkin kamu lupa, bahwa senja memang bukan makhluk yang bisa kamu bentuk atau kamu atur. Aku mempelajari senja dari terbitnya hingga hilangnya ditelan gelap. Senja menyimpan beberapa cerita dan nyanyian, yang aku dengar perlahan belakangan. Jadi jika kamu baca jurnalku ini, biar kutuangkan hal yang kamu mungkin tidak mengeri tentang senja. Senja adalah bagian dari rotasi bumi dan kodrat ilahi. Senja adalah indah walau menandakan gelap akan datang. Senja adalah hal yang ditunggu banyak orang, terutama pekerja malam dimana mereka mulai bergerak men...

Yes. 2022 is probably just like another year; a year of denial. We often abandon feelings and thoughts that should be addressed and released. I reckon it's because we have other collateral thoughts and fear of making another life-complication. So we just decided to hide them inside us. Little that we know, what we try to burry inside is the main heart problem. Yes. Literally and figuratively. How many times a day you verbally mention "what makes me happy today?" as well as "what upsets me today?" ? I bet it's zero. No, we don't confess feelings like that deliberately without being asked. Even when we are asked, we filter things that come out of our mouth. We are scared, we are full of doubt, we are unable to express feelings on most days. Yet, we survived. In denial.

Aku selalu bilang pada diriku sendiri, bahwa hatiku terbuat dari rahmat Allah. Aku nggak tau persis apa maksudnya, tapi aku yakin, hatiku ini terbuat dari zat yang sebegitu hebatnya sehingga setelah bertubi-tubi dia dipecahkan, serpihannya berajut lagi jadi kepingan yang jauh lebih kuat dari sebelumnya. Aku juga merasa, hatiku begitu lembut dan rapuh. Yang bisa dilakukannya cuma zikir dan menyebut asma Allah. Udah, hanya itu yang konsisten dilakukan. Kapasitasnya seperti nggak berukur, dan nggak bisa didefinisikan sedalam dan seluas apa, terlepas betapa selalu penasarannya aku. Belakangan, hatiku rindu pulang. Aku juga nggak tau, pulang apa dan kemana. Mungkin ke tanah akhirat? Apa hati ini sudah selelah itu? Kalaupun iya, hati sedang tidak sejalan dengan fisik dan dunia. Fisikku masih berjalan dan dunia juga masih berputar. Hatiku sudah ingin berhenti. Terbuat dari apa hati ini?

Sometimes I feel funny how being a few centimeters away still feels far away from my kids. Yes, it's most nights. I miss them. I thought I was too lost in the future that I think I'd lose them. Eventually I will, I know I will. But some nights I treasure the togetherness when we are all asleep. Some nights I just woke up to see them sleep, and I pray good things upon them. Some nights I feel so guilty for being imperfect. Some nights I feel so empty because everything has changed since their arrival. Some nights I blame hormones for making me too sensitive. Some nights I want to hold them forever. Some nights I whispered my love, my dreams for them while landing my kiss on everything that I could reach from them. Some nights I smelled their odors much much deeper than usual. It gives me peace. Being with them gives me peace. I feel like I owe them so many things, so many times and so many chances. I took many things away from them, even maybe I choked them too hard with reality...

 I journal-ed a lot lately in my notebook. Yes, it's the small blue note book that I always carry around in my pink pouch. I don't know why, my writing is not that good anyway, plus typing is so much quicker and easier. I think it's just my emotional imbalance that pushes me to handwrite instead of type. Okay, I thought we agreed we'd meet in the middle. But then I remembered, no, it was me who suggested it and you were never on the same page. You never agreed to it. It's always me. I thought I'd give you time alone when you're feeling unsure, then when you're a bit fine, you can talk it over to me. But you never did. You kept it all by yourself, and I try to let it slide, most of the times. I get to do the hard work translating and interpreting why you act what you act. You were never taking any part in helping me figure things out. Either you want to let it pass or you really have no idea how to tell me. Or maybe you think I must be so smart to think e...