Missing My Kids

Sometimes I feel funny how being a few centimeters away still feels far away from my kids.

Yes, it's most nights. I miss them.

I thought I was too lost in the future that I think I'd lose them.

Eventually I will, I know I will.

But some nights I treasure the togetherness when we are all asleep. Some nights I just woke up to see them sleep, and I pray good things upon them. Some nights I feel so guilty for being imperfect. Some nights I feel so empty because everything has changed since their arrival. Some nights I blame hormones for making me too sensitive. Some nights I want to hold them forever. Some nights I whispered my love, my dreams for them while landing my kiss on everything that I could reach from them. Some nights I smelled their odors much much deeper than usual. It gives me peace.

Being with them gives me peace. I feel like I owe them so many things, so many times and so many chances. I took many things away from them, even maybe I choked them too hard with reality.

I assured myself that I have to be strong and tough. I assured myself that they will be unharmed in anyway. I assured myself that changes are sometimes good. They will be fine, they will be loved, they will be protected.

I keep on reminding myself they are not forever mine. I'm only blessed once in this life to have them, so I might as well not only shower them with goodness but also with reality. I deeply hope we'd meet again in jannah. The place where I'll never miss them. Ever.