tulisan hampa

WOOOHOOO!!! IT'S DECEMBER 28TH!! This is the time if my blog. Yes, I WILL NEVER forget writing catatan akhir tahun section every year. Like I might be lousy in keeping it straight to write every month, but every year? NO REASON TO NOT WRITE! Especially 2016 is a turning year for me and my life. Here we go! January 2016 We flew from Hong Kong and leaving ourselves amazed by how we have changed our status from being married to being very married to our late honeymoon which then turned out to be a babymoon. I went back to work and my husband worked for my dad for a while. At the end of January we went for another trip to Singapore, initially to company him watching the concert that was cancelled lol, so it was just another escape. February 2016 In where I was sitting, Centre for ASEAN PR Studies, was surely the best I have ever sat on since my arrival in LSPR Jakarta. I work with amazing people and a very enjoyable pace. We did great things together. Getting pregnant was not a ...

I sorta lost my old Blogger app on my iPhone. It just crashed and I decided to uninstall that one. I downloaded the new one and this one is paid. I haven't decided whether I have to buy it or not but I will after I try this post for free. I think lately I haven't been too much in writing because of laziness and busy-ness. You know, baby, work drama, family matters, and other distraction.  Here comes December again and I surely will write more (I know this is what I've been saying over and over again but I never walk the talk, shameful) especially for Catatan Akhir Tahun. I will NEVER miss Catatan Akhir Tahun as it's my refletion. There are also some stories I would like to cover in a few other posts. Bear with me.

Aku sedang hobi memandangi langit malam hari. Menurutku, tenang dan menenangkan. Bukan karena siang hariku bosan atau melelahkan, hanya saja langit malam selalu memberiku ketenangan belakangan ini. Ya, belakangan ini. Gelapnya langit malam tidak lagi membuatku takut, namun lebih tenang. Mungkin akibat gumpalan awan yang sesekali datang, atau akibat taburan bintang yang sesekali tertampakkan. Malam ini, langit bicara padaku. Ia bicara bahasa kalbu, aku pikir sulit memahaminya, ternyata hanya butuh beberapa bait lagu dan beberapa patah kata untuk bertutur dengannya. Sebenarnya aku tidak yakin dia paham dengan ucapanku, tapi dari lengkungan bulan yang mengisinya, sepertinya langit mengerti. Aku sampaikan pada langit bahwa kisah kitab suci yang kubagi dengannya itu nyata. Mungkin butuh kesabaran seluas dirinya untuk percaya, atau sekedar menjadi terbiasa. Mungkin butuh waktu sepanjang dirinya digabung siangnya untuk memberi makna, buat setiap ungkapan yang aku wariskan padanya. Ya, hanya u...

Adalah tangisan kamu. Adalah betapa kamu lelap dalam tidurmu. Adalah saat dimana titik air mataku. Adalah doa yang sama. Adalah nama yang serupa. Adalah lengkungan senyum di wajahmu. Adalah tawaku kepada tawamu. Adalah gerakan yang menenangkan. Adalah ceritamu. Adalah gerutu tak jemu dari bibirmu. Adalah kecapan kecapan haru. Adalah ulasan kisah tak berujung. Satu detik dari setiap malamku adalah kamu.

You can say anything. Really. Anything. All I care is my own happiness. What matters most is myself and how I am content with my life.

I'm finally on this phase; too tired to fall asleep. Living my day like it's the last with my child. Feeling the love no words can describe. And doing the best effort as if I'm the strongest in the world. Motherhood has taken me into another level of being a human. I thought I understood how amazing my mum is. Until I'm on my own phase now, I always -always feel so lousy and not doing much enough for my baby. This just makes me more and more vulnerable when it comes to child matters. Nothing in this world can compare to having her. I think she's even my world now. Every single night, squeezing between my tired eyes and aching body, I pray God grant her the best protection, love, and assurance that she's going to be ok. And squeezing between wet diapers and loud cry, I pray I have the strength to make sure she's going to be ok.

Being a new mom is just so hard. I think I have managed to survive up until today because God is still kind enough to let me live. I get many helps from around but still very tired on the inside. I don't know what or why, it's just never relieved. I thought it was the sleeping pattern, which I assume I lack of quality sleeping lately. But then the psychological adds up. I think it's a huge deal to never feel the same again once I am a mother. The only healing I have is the smile of my daughter. I heals everything, almost. The last time I cried was with her, apologising for not being a good mom yet. And I promised her I'll keep on trying and going forward. I think she understood me well. She smiles every time I told her my concern. Such a sweet baby. Or probably such a sweet angel who keeps her attended during these 40 days. God, grant me strength to go through another day.

I will never forgive myself if I ever abandon you. You are by far the biggest achievement in my life. There is no word at the moment that I can type no matter how much I want to express my feelings for you. Day and night, up and down, happy and sad, I always think about you, and how grateful I am for having you in my life as a reward at the same time responsibility. Thank you for making me grow up, getting wiser, more patient, loving and feeling more sense in this cruel world. Thank you for lightning up my gloomy life and giving me meaning of survival. Thank you for smiling at me or holding my finger everytime you latch on me. Thank you for all sleepless night you gave me yet I enjoyed a lot. Thank you for being exist and empower me everytime I feel weak. Thank you for becoming a reason why this life is eventually worth living. Thank you for adding value as a human in me, and you are why I always want to go home. Thank you for reminding me that although this life is tough, I can always...

I am so sick of people who don't appreciate time. Like, they know it's something they cannot buy, they cannot negotiate and they cannot turn back. But they waste it anyway. I am so sick of people who cannot manage time. Like, they think they can always chill and take as much as they can take while everyone else is abandoned. I am so sick of people who aren't aware of time. Like, they forget other have their own priorities too and when they think of themselves they're bending everyone's. May people like this kind regret safely in the future. Bitch. Regards, the one who's always late because of waiting what could have not be waited for.

YAY! Maternity leave means blogging blogging and blogging. I cannot remember when was the last time I wrote blog? GOD! If there was such a rule, I'd been sent to hell for bailing writing for so long. So this month is supposed to be my due-month of giving birth. I. CANNOT. WAIT. That is like the only three words I can say. All the pain worth the wait I guess. I don't know. I've been losing track of writing yet I still express myself on social media. I started a hashtag poetwit on my @pastelarasaty at the same time reading novels and books to help me alter my stress. My husband is always around, so comfortable. Family support is always endless, I miss my dad though. Brother's coming next month. Yes, the baby brother whom I'm celebrating his birthday today. SOOOO HAPPY and I cannot hardly wait to deliver the baby and see how she looks like. Yes, she. It's a girl. At least so far that's what the USG said. I don't really mind if it turns about a ...