Pregnant Again

They say the third time is a charm. I bet it is for my pregnancy now.

I have high hopes that my charm is here, following the previous two. The hormones is quite annoying and exhausting. Yes, it's the madness and sadness and everything in between. Not that I'm not overjoyed, it's just another phase, I guess, in life that I need to adapt, adjust and survive yet again. It's another ups and downs in life, and I don't know why I keep forgetting the previous problems where I struggled and didn't die. Thought that if I had remembered them, I wouldn't be so desperate to end my life constantly. But of course, I have God and faith. Even the slightest faith in God, keeps me alive and motivated.

At some nights, I have full expectation that God with help me go through the next 9+ months in my life. It's going to be a very very tough one, I always begin with the intention to give up. And of course, I don't know what 'give up' means of course. Does that mean running away from my responsibilities and jump into a whole new chapter? Does it mean leaving behind my family, friends and work? Does it mean coming home to akhirat? I've always assumed it's the latter, although I know I'm not the one to decide that. It's beyond my control and even my knowledge. Every day after those nights, I just feel numb and tense repetitiously, and it is very very tiring. My body responses accordingly, it loses appetite, it loses compassion by a bit, and it becomes very draining.

Let's see, it's still too early to decide many things. Although I have things and plans in mind.

Who's the best planner but Allah?

:)