"then what makes you different than your dad? years. only took you 20 years to be just like him. unfaithful and selfish. I require what you need to acquire, you require me all things with all my unavailability. I often wonder how would you make this thing up to me? I should have not believe you when you proposed me that day. You told me about a whole complete family, a total romantic and faithful, now you're just being so inconsistent and so not consequent. I don't hate, I don't have the spare for such feeling. I just want to reassure that we might see things the upside down, back and forth without seeing what I feel."
saya coba sentuh tangannya untuk menenangkan.
"don't touch me, I am calm and cool. I always chill and comfortable with this thing. Our marriage, is always like this, flat and glamorous. Like you always told me that we were glamorously flat. Do you really mean it when you say that? Or the things that you always teach Kania to be nice and critical to things? were they pure nurtures or just a father-role moment?"
saya menunduk meminta maaf.
"You don't need to apologise, you just need to hear what I say that I might do the same thing like you did. I just don't feel like doing it. No, not that I love you or I am so afraid of you, I was just appreciating what a marriage should be, or how it should looked, at least"
sebelumnya ia tidak pernah bicara sepanjang ini, hanya tetesan air mata atau tatapan heran pada saya yang baru pulang setelah tiga hari pergi tak berkesan.
"What do you expect me to say right now? I have been so silence since our wedding day. I have been holding the grudge and any angers, I have been observing to improve what I am supposed to do. I took all responsibilities, not as burden, just as piles of things that I need to take care of. Seems like those all defined by your family and friends as a role of a wife. Meanwhile you don't really show me what my role is, you don't tell me how to, you don't expect me either, do you? "
kalau saya jawab, saya akan tetap salah. saya memilih diam namun menatap mata sayunya. nada bicaranya datar.
"You know things that made me fall in love with you, were those two things you don't even have anymore. They were your gentle touch and your sincerity. Feel like you have it? You left me your sensibility of spotting something bad and your consistency of being careless. As a man in the family, I do understand fully your greed as a man, the strong one, the strongest amongst me and Kania. Even the strongest among all man that I judge as your close friend. Yet, you don't hurt me physically, you just being more hurting heartily and psychologically to me. Is it the nature of being a man? I am still trying to learn about it."
Tiba-tiba Kania menyeruak ke kamar kami, ia lari ke pangkuan ibunya dan bermalas-malsan di pelukan ibunya. Kania mengerjapkan matanya menatap saya, saya hanya bisa membalasnya dengan senyuman.
"Mom, Dad, are we going to divorce?"
Gadis lima tahun itu melontarkan sebuah pertanyaan yang sama dalamnya dengan sang ibu. Dari mana ia tahu tentang kata 'divorce' tidak lagi mempengaruhi pikiran saya. Saya menggeleng memeluknya dari pangkuan ibunya.
"Baby, did you have a bad dream again? Let's wipe it off and I tell you again the story about Prince Frog and Princess Belle, let's baby.."
Ibunya merebut kembali putri kecil dari pelukan saya dan saya melepaskannya.
"No, mommy, unless you promise me you are not going to kill the witch in the story so that the Princess could marry her"
Ibunya melangkah keluar membimbing Kania ke kamarnya. Kania mengangguk dan melompat kecil saat melintasi pintu kamar kami. Tak lama saya tertidur di kasur tersebut, bermimpi tentang pernikahan kami yang telah bertahan selama tujuh tahun. Dalam mimpi itu saya melihat istri saya mengenakan gaun terindah yang saya pesankan pada teman kami, seorang perancang busana. Cncin kawin kami warnanya perak dan saya ingat betul sepatu yang saya kenakan adalah hadiah dari istri saya. Ukurannya pas dan sungguh, itu adalah sepatu paling nyaman yang pernah sayakenakan seumur hidup saya.
"I have prepared your breakfast, I asked all maids to be ready for your upcoming cocktail party and I have cooked calamary for your take away lunch"
Mata saya menangkap sesosok istri saya yang membangunkan saya dari mimpi panjang yang mengenang. Saya mengumpulkan tenaga untuk bangun dan merasakan sendi-sendi saya saling bertautan untuk menjawab pernyataannya.
"Kenapa Kania bilang soal kita bercerai?"
Istri saya diam menatap saya datar, pandangan matanya masih sama seperti semalam, anggun dan datar. Saya mencoba menemukan jawabannya di mata tersebut sambil berusaha duduk.
"She said 'we' not you and me. I don't think I have the answer for your question. Have you tried to ask her yourself? I am doubtful she would have a good answer for me. Maybe sho could answer her Dad. Go ask her if you want to know. I would be tahnkful if you could answer her question, not asking about what it means."
Saya menarik tangannya sebelum dia keluar kamar. Untuk pertama kalinya saya menarik tubuhnya secara kasar sehingga posisi tubuhnya menempel di tubuh saya. Saya menatapnya tajam namun pandangan matanya tidak berubah. Ia menatap saya balik dan seolah menantang, ia justru berkata "You feel that I love you?"
Saya tidak menjawab.
"I don't. I'm just faithful."
Saya memeluknya erat dan ia tidak mengelak. Tidak juga membalas namun tubuhnya terasa sangat jatuh dipelukan saya. Saya merasakannya memeluk balik tubuh saya. Kami berpelukan cukup lama.
"Aku memang nggak setia, tapi aku cinta kamu."
No comments:
Post a Comment