Waktu mau makan siang sama pacar saat istirahat kantor, saya papasan dengan teman baik saya, Sisi dari divisi marketing.
Sisi: ayolah, jarang-jarang ada promo untuk HRD jadi bagian dari marketing. Apalagi elo, skill persuasinya tinggi, pasti nggak sampe hitungan taun, lo udah jadi bos marketing di Bali.
Saya: ah, nggak deh, marketing bukan bidang yang gua sukai, apa enaknya kerja di bidang yang bukan minat kita.
Sisi: yah, nggak selamanya karir itu harus di bidang yang lo suka, Na, bisa kok belajar seneng dari hal baru.
Saya: nggak ada poinnya seneng tapi nggak bahagia. Gua ngerasa seneng dan bahagia kok dengan hidup pas pasan kayak sekarang, tanpa ayah ibu, gua bisa hidupin adik-adik gua. Memang kami nggak kaya, tapi kami cukup, nggak kurang, dan gua bahagia.
Sisi: knock knock, really? Is that how you define happiness? You deserve better life, if only you could manage to slide your ego and obsessive passion in such unrealistic things. Ayolah, naik angkot, gaji pas-pasan dan hidup yang luruss ngga ada naik turunnya? Is that what you called happiness?
Saya: (mengeryitkan dahi) Sisi, what you know about happiness? It is something you feel in your heart, it is not always something seen. You feel it. Sering gua liat lo seneng, but then re-ask yourself: are you really happy? Or just happy as happy?
Saya membentuk wajah senyum buatan di bibir saya lalu melangkah pergi. Pacar saya pasti sudah menunggu di tempat makan biasa. Dan benar saja, ia baru saja selesai memesan makan pada pelayan. Setelah menyilahkan saya duduk, dia tersenyum menanyakan hari saya dan mengapa wajah saya kurang menyenangkan. Saya pun sedikit bicara tentang Sisi barusan. Ia menyarankan untuk mengambil kesempatan promosi ke Bali tersebut, namun saya menolak. Alih-alih, saya membuka topik baru.
Saya: I think we should not see each other anymore
Dimmy: what? What is that supposed to mean?
Saya: teori supply-demand kita nggak berhasil
Dimmy: Kita?
Saya: or at least, demand and supply theory in OUR relationship is not working for one of us. I can’t supply what you demand
Dimmy: wow! Is this again about my smoking habit or your inability to have sex with me before we get married?
Saya: (mengangguk) and many other things that crossed my mind
Dimmy: crossed YOUR mind? (saya benci melihatnya mengerutkan kening)
Saya: okay, this ones are MY mind first ya.. you deserve to get a better girl.
Dimmy: or vice versa!
Saya: Hon, I’m just an extremely not-for-you thing. Could you see that and stop bothering with the chemistry we had so far?
Dimmy: you’re getting even more irrational, babe, we are good.
Saya: you could find a better girl who has supply for your demand.
Dimmy: and you think that’s all?
Saya: okay, you gave me my demand; I just can’t give back what you want. I am inadequate.
Dimmy: Listen, I try to quit smoking and reduce flirting to fulfill what you want…or what you NEED. I try to understand things between us and it is not easy, but I STILL try.
Saya: Hon, you know what? I doubt this relationship without balance and equal demand and supply. You could find a girl who’s very attractive, let you smoke and don’t feel bother to see you flirt. You could always find a neat and tidy girl with strong mind of romance.
Dimmy: (berbicara pada pelayan yang mengantar makanan kami) terima kasih pak.
Saya: you could always find a girl who is available for sex, hot, and surely smart and loves to argue with critical mind and..
Dimmy: I doubt that one!! (dia memotong saya sambil mengambil sepasang sendok garpu untuk saya)
Saya: Dimmy, listen up. You could find better girl than me right now.
Dimmy: sorry, I don’t live to only FIND girls. I live and love to ADJUST with the girl that I am into. (ia menyulangkan gelas ke arah saya dan menuangkan sedikit kecap pada nasi goreng pesanan saya)
Saya: I cannot fulfill your NEEDS; I cannot fulfill your demand. That is horrible to be such person, and I feel horrible to be dated by such guys like you.
Dimmy: like me? The one who couldn’t quit smoking yet, the guy who’s being overkind to girls in the office? Like what?
Saya: the one who stop everything in one place and tend to ignore other objective issues about relationship. Aku nggak yakin sama hubungan yang terus menerus didiamkan gini ketidakmampuannya. Sebenernya kamu bisa aja cari cewek yang lebih baik lagi.
Dimmy: vice versa? Are you seeing another person?
Kami terdiam sejenak. Saya menatap Dimmy yang sedang asik merapikan serbet dan memasukkan ponselnya ke kantong, merapikan porsi makanan saya dan menyampirkan tas tangan saya di sandaran kursi saya. Saya memegang tangan kirinya dan meneruskan tanpa peduli arah tatapan matanya.
Saya: that is not the thing!! I am not looking for anyone and you know I have been falling for you since a very long time, Hon.. quit it! Quit accusing.
Dimmy: you accused me first, you even tried to break up with me.
Kali ini dia menatap saya tajam dan berbicara dengan artikulasi yang terdengar “after what we’ve been through?”
Saya: because I think you deserve better one. You will find girls, many of them out there…
Dimmy: once again, I don’t live to find girls. I live to adjust with the one that I have. If you could not supply my demand, then screw with that! I am trying to supply what you demand. That is what matters.
Saya: it is unfair, Dimmy. Unfair for both of us. Harusnya ada keseimbangan yang adil.
Dimmy: you think it’s fair when you keep thinking I deserve better girl and I have to give up on you just because you can’t fulfill my demand?
Saya: (mengerutkan kening) then what is?
Dimmy: listen, now you shut up. Kita nggak akan bahas masalah ini, ANYMORE. I’m not giving you up and now let’s eat. Ini sambelnya, jangan banyak-banyak. Nanti pulangnya aku jemput, kita beli toilet papers sama obat pel dulu ya.
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