drunk and beaten

"I have an issue of losing things. Sometimes I can let go of something as if I don't need it anymore. Sometimes I hold tight and fight til I die to not lose things that I want so bad"
"what's your latest interests?" dokter Ashley mendorong meja di hadapan kami ke sebelah kanan sehingga lutut kami semakin dekat.
"my interests? well, cooking and fishing" sofa empuk yang kududuki terasa semakin menghangatkan pinggulku
"interesting. Tell me about it!"
"I am basically not a nice person. I insult many people and I rarely smile to new friends, even family."
"oh, why?" ia mengerutkan keningnya.
"because I don't wanna be a nice person. I think things should go my way or nor"
"Do you classify yourself as selfish?"
"I believe everyone is selfish, I know someone who's more selfish than me. and she does not even bother to go to a psychiatrist as if being selfish does not hurt her"
"why do you think that kind of person is selfish?"
"because she lives in denial."saya menahan emosi sedikit untuk tidak mendeskripsikan orang ini lebih lanjut. Ini sesi saya dan psikiatris saya, bukan dia.

"Tell me about your memorable childhood moment!"
"my dad sent me to school because he cannot read the story book for me. my mom sent me to ballet school because she cannot split her legs. they sent me out to be someone that they were not"
"why is that memorable to you?"
"because they taught me nothing but sent someone that you love to a better place they might be"
"Do you take that as...abandoning you as a kid?"
"I did. now I don't anymore. I am not bothered thinking of things I am not interested at"
"are you saying you are not interested about what your parents want you to be?"
"I am saying that it is not interesting to justify their effort to sent me out to be a better creature"
"do you realise that sometimes you are confusing people?"
"I am boring. and now I am bored"

saya memantik sebatang rokok di teras rumah itu. nyaman sekali angin sore yang meniup rambut di kening saya. rasanya saya ingin bertahan lama di sini, psikiatris saya baik dan menyenangkan, sulit untuk saya menemukan alasan untuk membuatnya kesal. dia hanya bisa tersenyum, melempar pertanyaan dan mendengarkan saya dengan serius. saya pikir dia yang gila, bukan saya.

"so what do you like about cooking?"
saya menghela nafas panjang, sisa asap rokok masih mengepul sedikit ke udara di antara saya dan Dr Ashley. bukan pertanyaan mudah, tapi saya harus menjawabnya "I reckon that I will never stop hurting myself. I keep burning my fingers, scratching my hair with handful of flour and breaking more glasses and plates"
"why does that not make you stop cooking?"
"because I like it. I will not give up on something that I like, no matter how hurtful it is"
"is that an issue to you?"
"yes, I am afraid if someday I like killing people but dislike going to jail because of it"
"and are you aware that there are always consequences for every action you take?"
"I thought we can negotiate that?"
"do you ever feel sad?"
"what is it like?" saya membungkam Dr Ashley kurang lebih satu menit. Kami menghela nafas bersamaan. Tiba-tiba ia menjadi tak menyenangkan.

"we should take a break. You start asking a question, not answering it"
saya menyerah. kami sepakat ketemu lagi minggu depan di sini. selalu di sini karena anginnya selalu enak, dan aroma rumah itu selalu nyaman setiap saya datang. Entah apa yang dilakukan Dr Ashley terhadap ruang terapinya.

"Nick, I was just wondering if.. you are the one who's psychologically disturbed, not me. I think you need a therapist"
"Don't worry about me, I am your therapist, you should not think of how insane I am to handle an insane patient like you" senyumnya menutup hari saya. Mobil yang saya kendarai tidak menuju apartemen saya, melainkan membelok ke psikiatris lain.