tulisan hampa

Biar kutulis lagi, hal-hal yang mengingatkanmu kenapa aku jatuh hati & menautkan segenap perasaan buatmu. Di antaranya adalah senyummu, saat memandangku melakukan urusanku. Setiap kutanya kenapa, cuma "emang nggak boleh aku senyum?" Jawabmu. Kamus nonverbal terbatasku mendefinisikannya sebagai "aku kagum padamu", "kamu terlihat cantik kalau begitu", dan "bisakah kita berhenti di masa ini beberapa saat agak lama?" Di antara lainnya adalah sentuhan tanganmu saat sedihku melanda tanpa suara. Tanpa aba-aba seperti mendekap semua masalah dan membasuh bekas luka kering maupun baru. Dan kamus nonverbal terbatasku tentu mendefinisikannya semudah "tenang ya, ada aku, everything will be okay" yang memang selalu jadi jargon hidupmu. Di antara lainnya adalah ungkapan cinta yang tak terduga, atau di selipan kesibukan keseharian. Kamus nonverbal ku tidak berguna, karena kamu berkata apa adanya dan apa arti harfiahnya. Perihal seperti I love you, ...

There is one night I really wonder about you and your curiosity. About bridge. About building. About glass and mirror. About how sky is blue. About how religions divide people. There is one night your curiosity hurts you. You're bleeding so badly from the questions you ask, and I couldn't help you. You said you were okay anyway, so I left. ABOUT THE DAY There is one day you feel extremely clueless about everything, you ask me so many things I don't even have the answer to. I said "I don't know either" but you answered "that doesn't change my feelings for you" ABOUT YOUR FEELING You always come across feelings with me and about everything. You always feel everything, I think at some point that's what makes you distinctive and so sensitive. You are made of a cotton that's sown into a million threads; soft but so strong. Have you ever asked yourself those things you asked me? Or are you just throwing thoughts, topic and curiosity to make me ...

I am getting more and more sceptical about so many things, including my country. Despite the fact that I love my country so much, I feel like the home-works are getting more and more redundant and hopeless. I don't wanna talk about the government, it'd include too much narrative on politics and cruelty. Let's talk about the people. 80 percent of the population owns cellphone and connected to 24hrs internet access. We are supposed to be the agent of change, agent of peace, agent of whatever it is that make us more human by utilising the technology that surrounds us. Again, it's the matter of the morality. How much schools aren't teaching us to be human, schools teaching us to be 'the fittest' or let's just say, 'the fettish'. We compete, consciously and subconsciously with ourselves, our friends and relatives, our community, even our common goals. We contradict our goals every day, we create a new wall between each other and call it 'boundary...

 dan mendalami setiap kata. Ada beberapa jam di hidupku yang habis kugunakan memikirkan hal yang tidak pernah ada, tapi kupikir akan ada karena mungkin rasanya bisa, dan ternyata tetap tidak ada. Yang menyadarkanku adalah kenyataan bahwa setiap ungkapan di tengah malam hanya bisa didengar oleh Sang Pencipta.  Termasuk namamu. Yang aku langitkan di sekian banyak malam, dalam bentuk keluhan maupun luapan rasa rindu. Kamu. hal yang belum aku jumpai tapi kuyakini akan segera hadir di hadapanku, menggugurkan setiap mimpi yang ternyata terbukti, dan mengungkapkan harapan yang bisa tewujud, serta menunaikan janji yang selama ini mengimingi. Iya, kamu. Yang aku bayangkan mendekapku saat kamu butuh, yang aku bayangkan memelukku saat aku butuh. Yang tanpa sepatah kata harus keluar dari mulutku untuk paham apa itu rindu, dan yang tanpa banyak gerakan untuk tau bagaimana menghalau keresahan. Kamu. Dan tatapanmu yang sering kupertanyakan, dan senyumanmu yang sering jadi misteri. Ada satu M...

 I love you the most when: 1. You asked "Apa? Kamu lagi mikir apa?" when I stared blankly to the road on the way in the car. As if, you knew I don't go silent unless I have something in mind. I love when you pay attention to small details and you actually care. Because every time I speak up my mind, you always respond whole-heartedly and it gives me a comfort zone. Perhaps a new one. 2. You abruptly asked "Nonton yuk!" when I'm stuck with work or when I almost fall asleep because of boredom. Like, you know I never sleep unless I'm very tired or I'm bored. We always end up scrolling minutes before deciding what to watch, but the excitement of me watching with you is above any level. Side by side, you just like to not only hold my hand, but also rub it against yours. When it's online, I saw you frequently checking up on my expression and replying to my stupid commentary, as always. 3. You take the kids to pray without me asking. It hurts me to my...

This isn't feel like something old at all. Probably it's different because Hafiz is the guy that I've ben so curious about. He has done way too much sacrifice and practiced the ultimate patience upon my insanity, my trauma, my unreasonable fear and my endless drama. What makes it even more impressive is how he does it effortlessly; the things that used to be scary are now felt so easy. There are things that I thought was crazy, but Hafiz made it more sensible to me. He's the guy with almost zero ambition but to make me happy. His silence means he's talking his deepest thought, and even I wonder how I understand things that he doesn't say. It's weird, or probably known as chemistry. August 1st, we are engaged. This time is the moment I am mostly assured that I deserve to be loved, and to love someone again is not impossible. It just takes the right person, and Hafiz is the one. Bismillah ya. It's a long winding road we're about to go through. So, Bism...

 This is the saddest night of my life. I really can't remember the last time I feel this down and broken. That news just stroke me right to my lungs, and I lost my mind immediately. "Hey isn't this your boyfriend?" along with the picture of him and a girl showing off their engagement rings. I stared at the picture a few seconds before another text popped in "what's going on? I don't understand, I thought you two were fine and getting married!" I didn't reply. I just locked my phone and put it down again. I drowned my face under my pillow and pulled my blanket up to my neck. No, I didn't cry. My head went back to the conversation a couple of months ago, between me and that girl. *** "Hey, sorry, are you waiting for him here?" That's the first words that came out of my mouth when I saw her sitting in her car's driver's seat, looking down to her phone, probably texting my boyfriend. She was in an ugly shock when she saw m...