tulisan hampa

Biar kutulis lagi, hal-hal yang mengingatkanmu kenapa aku jatuh hati & menautkan segenap perasaan buatmu. Di antaranya adalah senyummu, saat memandangku melakukan urusanku. Setiap kutanya kenapa, cuma "emang nggak boleh aku senyum?" Jawabmu. Kamus nonverbal terbatasku mendefinisikannya sebagai "aku kagum padamu", "kamu terlihat cantik kalau begitu", dan "bisakah kita berhenti di masa ini beberapa saat agak lama?" Di antara lainnya adalah sentuhan tanganmu saat sedihku melanda tanpa suara. Tanpa aba-aba seperti mendekap semua masalah dan membasuh bekas luka kering maupun baru. Dan kamus nonverbal terbatasku tentu mendefinisikannya semudah "tenang ya, ada aku, everything will be okay" yang memang selalu jadi jargon hidupmu. Di antara lainnya adalah ungkapan cinta yang tak terduga, atau di selipan kesibukan keseharian. Kamus nonverbal ku tidak berguna, karena kamu berkata apa adanya dan apa arti harfiahnya. Perihal seperti I love you, ...

There is one night I really wonder about you and your curiosity. About bridge. About building. About glass and mirror. About how sky is blue. About how religions divide people. There is one night your curiosity hurts you. You're bleeding so badly from the questions you ask, and I couldn't help you. You said you were okay anyway, so I left. ABOUT THE DAY There is one day you feel extremely clueless about everything, you ask me so many things I don't even have the answer to. I said "I don't know either" but you answered "that doesn't change my feelings for you" ABOUT YOUR FEELING You always come across feelings with me and about everything. You always feel everything, I think at some point that's what makes you distinctive and so sensitive. You are made of a cotton that's sown into a million threads; soft but so strong. Have you ever asked yourself those things you asked me? Or are you just throwing thoughts, topic and curiosity to make me ...

I am getting more and more sceptical about so many things, including my country. Despite the fact that I love my country so much, I feel like the home-works are getting more and more redundant and hopeless. I don't wanna talk about the government, it'd include too much narrative on politics and cruelty. Let's talk about the people. 80 percent of the population owns cellphone and connected to 24hrs internet access. We are supposed to be the agent of change, agent of peace, agent of whatever it is that make us more human by utilising the technology that surrounds us. Again, it's the matter of the morality. How much schools aren't teaching us to be human, schools teaching us to be 'the fittest' or let's just say, 'the fettish'. We compete, consciously and subconsciously with ourselves, our friends and relatives, our community, even our common goals. We contradict our goals every day, we create a new wall between each other and call it 'boundary...

 dan mendalami setiap kata. Ada beberapa jam di hidupku yang habis kugunakan memikirkan hal yang tidak pernah ada, tapi kupikir akan ada karena mungkin rasanya bisa, dan ternyata tetap tidak ada. Yang menyadarkanku adalah kenyataan bahwa setiap ungkapan di tengah malam hanya bisa didengar oleh Sang Pencipta.  Termasuk namamu. Yang aku langitkan di sekian banyak malam, dalam bentuk keluhan maupun luapan rasa rindu. Kamu. hal yang belum aku jumpai tapi kuyakini akan segera hadir di hadapanku, menggugurkan setiap mimpi yang ternyata terbukti, dan mengungkapkan harapan yang bisa tewujud, serta menunaikan janji yang selama ini mengimingi. Iya, kamu. Yang aku bayangkan mendekapku saat kamu butuh, yang aku bayangkan memelukku saat aku butuh. Yang tanpa sepatah kata harus keluar dari mulutku untuk paham apa itu rindu, dan yang tanpa banyak gerakan untuk tau bagaimana menghalau keresahan. Kamu. Dan tatapanmu yang sering kupertanyakan, dan senyumanmu yang sering jadi misteri. Ada satu M...

 I love you the most when: 1. You asked "Apa? Kamu lagi mikir apa?" when I stared blankly to the road on the way in the car. As if, you knew I don't go silent unless I have something in mind. I love when you pay attention to small details and you actually care. Because every time I speak up my mind, you always respond whole-heartedly and it gives me a comfort zone. Perhaps a new one. 2. You abruptly asked "Nonton yuk!" when I'm stuck with work or when I almost fall asleep because of boredom. Like, you know I never sleep unless I'm very tired or I'm bored. We always end up scrolling minutes before deciding what to watch, but the excitement of me watching with you is above any level. Side by side, you just like to not only hold my hand, but also rub it against yours. When it's online, I saw you frequently checking up on my expression and replying to my stupid commentary, as always. 3. You take the kids to pray without me asking. It hurts me to my...

This isn't feel like something old at all. Probably it's different because Hafiz is the guy that I've ben so curious about. He has done way too much sacrifice and practiced the ultimate patience upon my insanity, my trauma, my unreasonable fear and my endless drama. What makes it even more impressive is how he does it effortlessly; the things that used to be scary are now felt so easy. There are things that I thought was crazy, but Hafiz made it more sensible to me. He's the guy with almost zero ambition but to make me happy. His silence means he's talking his deepest thought, and even I wonder how I understand things that he doesn't say. It's weird, or probably known as chemistry. August 1st, we are engaged. This time is the moment I am mostly assured that I deserve to be loved, and to love someone again is not impossible. It just takes the right person, and Hafiz is the one. Bismillah ya. It's a long winding road we're about to go through. So, Bism...

 This is the saddest night of my life. I really can't remember the last time I feel this down and broken. That news just stroke me right to my lungs, and I lost my mind immediately. "Hey isn't this your boyfriend?" along with the picture of him and a girl showing off their engagement rings. I stared at the picture a few seconds before another text popped in "what's going on? I don't understand, I thought you two were fine and getting married!" I didn't reply. I just locked my phone and put it down again. I drowned my face under my pillow and pulled my blanket up to my neck. No, I didn't cry. My head went back to the conversation a couple of months ago, between me and that girl. *** "Hey, sorry, are you waiting for him here?" That's the first words that came out of my mouth when I saw her sitting in her car's driver's seat, looking down to her phone, probably texting my boyfriend. She was in an ugly shock when she saw m...

Writing this one while I'm tucking my kids in bed, I could not help to not think about you and the things we've been through. I really never thought we'd go this far. Kamu, yang tadinya tempatku bermain, melepas lelah dan sedih, kini jadi tempatku berpulang menceritakan lebih dari kelelahan dan kesedihan. Kamu, yang tadinya tempatku mengukir tawa dan berbagai canda, kini jadi tempatku menulis cerita tentang yang sendu hingga yang lucu. Kamu, yang kukira adalah perhentian sekilasku, ternyata lebih nyaman dari semua rencana ku. Kamu yang begitu bersahaja sekaligus begitu banyak rahasia. Kamu yang begitu diam namun menyimpan banyak rasa dan cerita. Kamu yang begitu menenangkan sekaligus suka bertualang. Kamu yang begitu lembut namun sangat kuat hatinya. I really feel undeserving to have met a person like you. I am so swept off of my feet to be loved by a person like you. There is nothing but gratefulness that I'd feel and express when it comes to having you in my life. The...

 Never thought I'd write the title in such repetition, I hate myself. So just want to update you about what has been going on between me and... LIFE. In general, life has been good.  I gotta admit it's mostly because I'm pulled to a therapeutic way to God and the universe. It's nice to have my 1/3 night on sajadah telling my problems and thoughts, unheard, unseen and un-judged by any human-beings. It's so very nice that I think God needs to give me more problems so I can enjoy the bliss being awake at that time and just cry for no reason, or whisper prayers I haven't even heard before. Well, another update I want to highlight is how low key my relationship with Hafiz has been. It's not only because we started off at the wrong line, but also I learned that being low key is so nice at some point. I get to see other perspectives and way to enjoy the subtle and humble life. I saved more and spent more on important stuff almost always, missed here and there but m...

I used to say that if you make it to my blog, then you must have done something grand. This time, it might not apply at all. This time is just a simple thought where I get to describe what I feel and what I fear. I often wonder and ask: how can I be sure that this time is real? I always find the answer to it: "YOU CAN'T. What is sure is Allah, and to Him only you must expect, hope and pray." My questions are found annoying, distrustful and so depressing. Normal and easy-to-go people would find it repelling if they were asked those questions. I'd rather be alone if not find someone else if it's me being doubted and questioned over and over again. I realise it's not always a nice task to do; to convince a person with so many wounds. I even imagine I'm hurting myself by trying to convince this kind of person And yet he stays.

 I used to think that having no ambitions must be so nice. You showed me it was, then I realised, I don't want to be loved unconditionally. As much as it's so weird to hear, but you know what? I really want you to have an ambition. As little as, an ambition to fight for what you think and you feel is right for you.

We were joking about distance. You said it's 51 km between your house and mine. It moved me. Because it's not about how far you go, it's about how far we go. Don't you feel I fall for you? That is the constant thought I have been feeling. Most of the times, I feel the answer is yes, then it leads to another thought of what do you feel? How should we move from here?  Moving. It's so hard to no think about moving with you. It's so hard to let you go off my mind, no matter how hard I try. It strikes me to even think about how empty chats will be when you're not around. See? It moves me even to only overthink it. The more I want to stop, the deeper I fall for you. The farther you go, the closer you feel. I hate feeling guilty, but I cannot stop thinking about you. I wish you talked more, I wish you told me things I need to know without me asking. I wish you told me things I need to know without me asking. Because it burns to be curious, and it burns to wonder ab...

 Kepada setiap percakapan yang hanya berjalan sepersekian menit, tidak sejaman, aku menyimpan banyak senyum simpul, dari bibir hingga dadaku, untuk percakapan kita. Yang biasanya diakhiri dengan tekanan tombol suka, atau sekedar good night juga. Yang biasannya kamu awali dengan apa kabar, dan kuakhiri dengan sebentar. Besok kita bicara lagi, lewat senja, seperempat malam dan menuju pagi di tengah malam berikutnya. Kamu, dan semua kejutan kecilmu.

I remember seeing a post from a friend saying that: mau sekecil apapun masalah dan perihal, kalo masuk ke hati yang kecil akan terasa besar dan hatinya jadi sempit. Begitupun betapa besarnya masalah dan perihal, kalo masuk ke hati yang lapang, tetap nggak akan nghabisin space di hati orang tersebut. Buatku, nggak butuh jadi orang religius untuk merasakan yang namanya "iman" dan quote di atas bener banget. Masalah sekecil apapun, kalo masuk ke hati yang kecil, sempit dan sesak, pasti terasanya jadi masalah besar yang bikin sesak. Sedangkan masalah sebesar apapun, kalo masuk ke hati orang yang lapang, maka ngga akan makan lahan yang berlebihan dan orang itu masih bisa berlega-lega ria. Buatku, ini bagian dari iman. Aku yakin yang Allah membesarkan dan mengecilkan hati manusia. Abis kalo bukan Allah, apa atau siapa lagi? Pengetahuan manusia kah? Nggak juga, banyak orang intelek yang susah ikhlas dan ridho sama suatu hal. Pengalaman manusia kah? Nggak juga, orang tua dengan banya...

Wahai Tuhan yang melapangkan hatiku, Nggak paham lagi seberapa besar Dirimu yang melapangkan hati ini, menawar rasa sakitnya, & mendekap saat ia sendirian. Yaa Syakur. Terima kasih :)

Hai masa lalu! Terima kasih sudah menyampaikan aku di hari ini, di diriku yang saat ini. Terima kasih sudah mengantarkan kekuatan dari hantaman kerasnya kehidupan sampai di titik ini. Terima kasih sudah mau memulai walau tau akan berakhir. Terima kasih sudah menyempatkan memberi warna lebih dari sekedar hitam dan putih. Terima kasih sudah berbaik hati dan berbagi arti. Terima kasih mau melangkah walau terjal dan aral yang melelahkan. Terima kasih untuk memberi kesempatan tertawa di antara getirnya peristiwa. Terima kasih sudah mengajak susah setelah senang, dan sebaliknya. Terima kasih sudah membuka lagi harapan yang kukira sudah tertutup. Terima kasih untuk setiap genggaman hangat dan pelukan ketenangan dalam badai keseharian. Terima kasih untuk ide cemerlang yang memberi pusingku terang. Terima kasih setiap boncengan yang mengantarkan pulang. Terima kasih untuk setiap detak jantung dan nadi kesehatan. Terima kasih mau mencoba walau kadang bingung antara kiri dan kanan. Terima kasih s...

Ya Allah Aku penasaran setengah mati dengan yang Kau rencanakan. Apakah itu sungguh jalan kebenaran? Aku penasaran dengan ide yang kau gagalkan. Apakah itu sungguh tidak pantas berjalan. Aku nggak marah, Ya Allah. Cuma penasaran aja, & menumpahkan apa yang seharusnya kutumpahkan hanya padaMu. Aku nggak marah, Ya Allah. Hanya menyampaikan aja beratnya tumpuan & beban yang sedang kuperjuangkan. Aku nggak marah, Ya Allah. Aku ridho, karena aku tau, sayangMu padaku melebihi sayangnya makhlukMu pada apapun. Biar pelan-pelan kutelan semua rasa kasihan & penasaran. Agar besok pagi aku bisa bangun sedikit lebih ringan, dari hari pertama mengalami perpisahan. Innalillahi wa innailaihi roji'un.

I've been thinking to just do my day by the lunar calendar. Not because I want to feel religious, but actually I want some things to be shorter than 365 bullshit the Roman has. Well, but it all comes crashing down by the social common rule where I live that Roman rules. And this is what I tell you: I've just had a dream of publicly humiliated Maggie. It felt so good. So good that I wanna go back to sleep to keep on doing it. There is no sin in dreams. It's subconscious world & no one can interfere. Bliss.

Day 6  19 November 2020 It's getting easier each day, at the same time harder. Because fish will always smell wherever they're hidden. I smell something fishy, so either I have a sucker's nose, or something isn't just right. I'm about to find out. Each day is getting smoother for me & harder for him. Until they day it comes.

Day 5 18 November 2020 What do you think I'm waiting for? Is it worth the wait? It was nice today, got to talk to another couple about we solve relationship issue when it comes to being honest. I guess each couple has their own way & their closure. Mine? Still learning which one actually suits me. Nervous, so nervous. When you have so much doubt in your head & your heart.