tulisan hampa

Wahai Tuhan yang melapangkan hatiku, Nggak paham lagi seberapa besar Dirimu yang melapangkan hati ini, menawar rasa sakitnya, & mendekap saat ia sendirian. Yaa Syakur. Terima kasih :)

Hai masa lalu! Terima kasih sudah menyampaikan aku di hari ini, di diriku yang saat ini. Terima kasih sudah mengantarkan kekuatan dari hantaman kerasnya kehidupan sampai di titik ini. Terima kasih sudah mau memulai walau tau akan berakhir. Terima kasih sudah menyempatkan memberi warna lebih dari sekedar hitam dan putih. Terima kasih sudah berbaik hati dan berbagi arti. Terima kasih mau melangkah walau terjal dan aral yang melelahkan. Terima kasih untuk memberi kesempatan tertawa di antara getirnya peristiwa. Terima kasih sudah mengajak susah setelah senang, dan sebaliknya. Terima kasih sudah membuka lagi harapan yang kukira sudah tertutup. Terima kasih untuk setiap genggaman hangat dan pelukan ketenangan dalam badai keseharian. Terima kasih untuk ide cemerlang yang memberi pusingku terang. Terima kasih setiap boncengan yang mengantarkan pulang. Terima kasih untuk setiap detak jantung dan nadi kesehatan. Terima kasih mau mencoba walau kadang bingung antara kiri dan kanan. Terima kasih s...

Ya Allah Aku penasaran setengah mati dengan yang Kau rencanakan. Apakah itu sungguh jalan kebenaran? Aku penasaran dengan ide yang kau gagalkan. Apakah itu sungguh tidak pantas berjalan. Aku nggak marah, Ya Allah. Cuma penasaran aja, & menumpahkan apa yang seharusnya kutumpahkan hanya padaMu. Aku nggak marah, Ya Allah. Hanya menyampaikan aja beratnya tumpuan & beban yang sedang kuperjuangkan. Aku nggak marah, Ya Allah. Aku ridho, karena aku tau, sayangMu padaku melebihi sayangnya makhlukMu pada apapun. Biar pelan-pelan kutelan semua rasa kasihan & penasaran. Agar besok pagi aku bisa bangun sedikit lebih ringan, dari hari pertama mengalami perpisahan. Innalillahi wa innailaihi roji'un.

I've been thinking to just do my day by the lunar calendar. Not because I want to feel religious, but actually I want some things to be shorter than 365 bullshit the Roman has. Well, but it all comes crashing down by the social common rule where I live that Roman rules. And this is what I tell you: I've just had a dream of publicly humiliated Maggie. It felt so good. So good that I wanna go back to sleep to keep on doing it. There is no sin in dreams. It's subconscious world & no one can interfere. Bliss.

Day 6  19 November 2020 It's getting easier each day, at the same time harder. Because fish will always smell wherever they're hidden. I smell something fishy, so either I have a sucker's nose, or something isn't just right. I'm about to find out. Each day is getting smoother for me & harder for him. Until they day it comes.

Day 5 18 November 2020 What do you think I'm waiting for? Is it worth the wait? It was nice today, got to talk to another couple about we solve relationship issue when it comes to being honest. I guess each couple has their own way & their closure. Mine? Still learning which one actually suits me. Nervous, so nervous. When you have so much doubt in your head & your heart.

Day 4 17 November 2020 It's tiring to do things all over again. It's tiring to always questioning the same thing. It's very tiring to build that wall back up. It's tiring to be doubtful about hindsight moments. Yey I haven't stopped. Why?

 Day 3 16 November 2020 Shit, the temptation to go through his property came again. And it hit very hard. I was shaking but a glass of warm water helped me, I took a deep breath and went back to sleep. I tried to think positive and I had my affirmation and mantra to get me back to sleep again. It was horrible, the feeling is horrible.

Day 2 15 November 2020 Day 2, we had a waterfall day. Nothing. Other than the same guilty excitement like yesterday, today was nothing new. Not yet the terms I gave, not yet the committment I expected. And again I have to self-doubt & self-question if I am the bad guy, if I made a wrong decision by being soft (again). Again, I wonder & tempted. But let's wait, it's only been day 2. Until the next time I got you.

Day 1  14 November 2020 He's sweet. I don't have to tell the details but I'm just gonna jot down what I noticed on the way today. He stared at me when I accidentally caught him inputting his password to his phone. He's very sweet the way I like it. We talked politics & we agreed on few things we laughed at. He's sweet & let's see how long it lasts.

Dear kamu Dari lelahmu yang kemarin.. perhatikan: Bagaimana Dia menghiburmu. Bagaimana Dia membetulkan hatimu. Bagaimana Dia mengangkatmu dari jatuhmu. Bagaimana Dia melapangkan dadamu. Bagaimana Dia memudahkan hal untukmu. Bagaimana Dia mengganti yang hilang. Bagaimana Dia menanam cinta. Bagaimana Dia menjagamu dari sedih berkelanjutan. Bagaimana Dia memperhatikanmu. Bagaimana Dia melindungimu dari sakit. Bagaimana Dia meluaskan nafasmu. Bagaimana Dia menatap dan mendekap. Bagaimana Dia berbisik dan memanggilmu. Bagaimana Dia hadir dalam hati kecilmu. Bagaimana Dia bertahan di pikiranmu. Bagaimana Dia menyembuhkan lukamu. Bagaimana Dia menawar rasa pahit malammu. Bagaimana Dia menebus peluhmu. Bagaimana Dia mengganti rugimu. Bagaimana Dia mencintaimu, tidak ada yang menyamaiNya. Dan Dialah tempatmu kembali.

Aku. Butuh aku yang bisa berjalan tanpa takut merasa terlalu cepat atau terlalu lambat. Aku butuh aku yang bisa berpikir tanpa takut salah. Aku butuh aku yang bisa merasa peka tanpa terlihat perasa. Aku butuh aku yang sesekali menangis tanpa harus ditanya mengapa. Aku butuh aku yang ingin marah namun tidak perlu kasar. Aku butuh aku sendiri. Aku butuh tidak merasa dibutuhkan oleh siapapun selain diriku sendiri. Aku butuh tidak merasa baik saat memang tidak baik. Aku butuh aku dan pelampiasanku kepada diriku sendiri.

Is it just me, or October is the most tantalising month in the year 2020? The so-called-pandemic is not over yet, and media is worsen it under the name of information transparency & government criticism. I am so sad. I've never been this sad about data & its torture, especially for the past 9 months. I see human's life has become a statistic, & health issue is just a joke you need to wait for the news to. It's saddening & ironic how in the informed era, people are more and more misinformed and disinformed due to their lack of literacy. I hope this year is the gap year and a replacement moment between the old generations who detest changes & developments, and the new generations who are ready for some revolution ans improvement. Am I too naïve? I feel like humanbeings are less human now, and animal exctincts worse than how selfish humans should be. If I could be the saviour, I will. But you know, life is tough enough the way it has been, so why bother wor...

Sebagai seorang (mencoba untuk tidak menyebutkan zodiak disini) yang mencintai dengan sekeras hati, rasanya berkali kali aku mencoba menyerah. Bukan lelah, cuma wegah alias malas. Malas berbesar dan berkeras hati lagi mencinta seseorang yang tidak sepatutnya diberi hati. Ya Tuhan, Kuatkan aku, besarkan hatiku, lapangkan dadaku.

 Okay, I have never dated anyone stupid. Or so I thought. Apparently this is why I fall for stupid guys. 1. I find it amusing to be needed and relied on. As the first child in the family, I am used to be treated as the responsible one, the looked up to one, the strong one and the wise one. I grew up with two younger but bigger brothers and they are very caring, don't get me wrong. They take care of me and they really love me, I can tell. What I always feel about them is I am the liaison unit of my parents to them and I need to always protect them, which leads me to: they are just two stupid kids who need a good role model. 2. I failed, many times. In so many things, I am not a star. Let's say I am the jack of all trades, and my brothers look at me like that. My parents look at me as someone who is not persistent in one particular thing and that I am doing EVERYTHING I CAN without worrying about the QUALITY of what I'm doing. Being failures to them in quite many (not all) th...

Pernahkah kamu bertanya Mengapa dalam tahun kedua  Sepanjang hubungan kita Aku masih saja Menantikan pesanmu semata Dengan sepenuh asa Seolah itu adalah masa Dimana kunantikan kencan kedua? Mungkin orang bilang cinta itu buta Tapi bagiku itu tentang setia Yang selalu kujaga Buat kamu saja Satu-satunya hal yang paling bermakna Dalam hidupku yang hampa Dan belakangan juga Terlalu banyak bebannya Sehingga akhirnya Setiap malam aku berdoa Agar Tuhan menjadikan kita Menjadi sepasang cerita Yang saling terbuka Dalam suka atau duka Walau ternyata Kamu tidak bisa kupunya Karena adat belaka.

You must have dong something GRAND in your life related to me. I know our world don't revolve around each other all the time, but when they do, it strikes me quite HARD and I guess it's something worth discussing. The other day, me & my boyfriend were discussing about protecting our loved ones and preventing external pressure by not exposing too much of oue personal life (& relationship of course). I want to disagree with this. I think once you have decided to be committed and be in a relationship with someone, you have to accept the whole package and be ready for the consequences. Including judgement, comments, rejections, prejudice & of course sabotage. Like it or not, some people with high profile and varying public receptions might also have positive and negative image. All you have to do is just brace yourself towards it. At the end of the day, what matters is what your partner feels. I used to believe that in the world where everything ia over-exposed, it'...

I sent my best friend a brief voice note about my current problem with my boyfriend. It was 1:07 voice note, and he answered with a question: "Is he ready to marry you anytime soon?" WHAT. THE. FUCK. "Well, not now, not anytime soon apparently" "Then he isn't ready for you" "What do you mean?" "Just stop playing around and chasing and going all over again. If he really wants you, he knows what to do. If he doesn't know what to do, or he knows but he doesn't do it, it means he doesn't want you. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't want you? Again?" WHAT. THE. FUCK.

 Beberapa waktu lalu, orang tuaku sempat kesal dan berkata "punya anak tiga, kok ngga ada yang perhatian sama orang tuanya?" kepadaku mewakili adik-adikku. Di situ aku bingung harus bereaksi apa selain akhirnya bibir ini hanya bisa minta "maaf belum bisa jadi anak baik buat papa mama" Kalo boleh mengingat hal baik yang sudah kami lakukan, terlepas dari tidak akan imbangnya kebaikan sebanyak dan sebesar apapun itu dibanding kebaikan mereka, sepertinya kami merasa tidak berada di jalur yang salah. I mean, setiap anak pasti punya dan membuat kesalahan masing-masing, dengan karakter dan sikap mereka masing-masing, termasuk aku dan adik-adikku. Kami punya karakter berbeda tapi perasaan yang sama terhadap orang tua kami: sayang dan hormat. Mungkin yang berbeda adalah bahasa cinta kami untuk mereka. Mereka ingin kedekatan, kontrol yang menyeluruh dan kuat terhadap setiap keputusan dan tindakan hidup kamu, mereka ingin yang terbaik. Sesimpel itu. Sesimpel apa yang mereka in...

I spend around an hour thinking and compiling hot men with cute wives and proud of them. I learn that life can't always be pretty, but you can choose to act so. I've debated a lot with many people about why and how people post what they want to be seen on social media, surprisingly, it all ended with an agreement to disagree. Yes, that Summer-Finn-kind-of-agree-to-disagree about love, same. I'll show you my top ten hot men who's wives are proudly pronounced and announced on the most hyped platform of this century: 1. Justin Trudeau & Sophie Trudeau 2. Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel 3. Jason Statham & Rosie Huntington-Whiteley 4. Gerard Pique & Shakira 5. John Legend & Chrissy Teigen 6. Toni Kroos & Jessica Kroos 7. Nick Jonas & Priyanka Chopra 8. Chris Hemsworth & Elsa Pataky 9. Darius Sinathrya & Donna Agnesia 10. David Beckham & Victoria Beckham 11. Your Bonus: Food for Thought Eh, sorry I mean 11  :)

Ada ratusan momen dimana yang kuminta hanya sendiri saja. Semata karena lelah menaruh harapan pada manusia & berusaha terus memahami hal yang fana. Aku ingin sendiri tanpa banyak pertimbangan & persetujuan semata. Setiap momen itu, aku perlakukan dengan berbagai pilihan emosi (iya, aku bisa memilih emosiku) dan selalu kamu gagalkan. Ada yang bilang, aku yang lemah dengan verbal, sentuhan dan kata-kata. Ada yang bilang, aku hanya takut kesepian saja. Andai kamu tau, aku merasakan damai dalam sepiku. Aku menangis dan tertawa saat sendiriku, jadi kurasa boleh aku tidak setuju pada anggapan itu. Andai kamu tau, aku merasa tua namun begitu lugu. Usiaku tidak sesuai dengan emosiku dan katanya itu bukan hal yang baru. Banyak hal ambigu yang katanya validasi apapun tidak akan berlaku.  Itu yang kurasa soal kamu, sikapmu, pilihan diksimu, & caramu menatap mataku. Itu yang kurasa soal setiap ucapan rindu, atau  saat genggamanmu erat tak sudi melepasku. Itu yang kurasa saat a...

Seperti Senin dini hari pada umumnya di hidupku; perutku sakit menahan lelah. Lelah yang aku tidak tau bagaimana menggambarkannya, bahkan tidak paham persis penyebabnya. Sepertinya aku harus berhenti mencoba membuat semua orang bahagia. Karena aku sendiri pun tidak selalu bisa merasakan bahagia. Boleh ya? Kita melambat dan rehat sejenak?

You are not tired or failing. You are not even falling down, you are only in doubt. Seperti banyak emosi lainnya, kali ini emosi kamu mungkin disalahartikan oleh pikiran dan tubuhmu. You think you are exhausted and so fragile. I tell you what, no, you are not. You are only in doubt. Kamu cuma perlu berhenti sebentar, atau melambatkan langkahmu. Lihat sekitarmu, dengar apa yang dibisikkan padamu tapi kamu tidak mendengar. Not because you are deaf, but you are so busy listening to the loud noise inside you. Or you are simply becoming the.noise that distracts you from yourself. Coba dengar sekitarmu, yang bisikannya sering kamu abaikan karena kamu sibuk. Coba lihat sebelahmu, yang menatapmu kagum penuh harap. Look at me. I am staring at you, silently yet supportively. I am staring at you with loads of hopes that even no words can describe how much I am so proud of you. I watch you bear all the pain, responsibility, wisdom and dreams of not only yours but also others. I watch yo...

Kira-kira apa yang terlintas di pikiranmu saat aku sebut bulan Juni? Musim panas? Apa kamu familiar dengan musim panas, terutama jika kamu tinggal di negara yang hanya punya dua musim? Atau mungkin Juni adalah akhir tahun ajaran di dunia pendidikan di negaramu? Mungkin. Beberapa kulihat rekan dan kerabatku mengikuti ritual wisuda di tempat mereka belajar. Menandakan mereka siap menyongsong tahap baru dalam hidup mereka; jenjang pendidikan lebih tinggi, atau ranah kehidupan baru bagi seseorang. Kurang lebih itulah tengah bulan Juni untukku tahun ini. Aku seperti wisuda rasanya, selesai dari suatu tahapan pendidikan dan pelajaran baru dalam hidupku. Seperti wisuda pada umumnya, hidupku mengibaratkan aku harus segera bersiap menyambut tahapan baru di depan. Biasanya sebelum wisuda, sudah umum setiap individu bersiap atau dipersiapkan. Aku? Ah, sudah beberapa tahun ke belakang aku hidup dalam ketidaksiapan, dalam hal apapun. Hasilnya? Ya selalu ada pelajaran terlepas berapapun nilainy...

Let me tell you a sad story about being a single parent. Honestly, most of the times I feel happy especially knowing that my ex-husband was a dick. Parenting is different story. I have to be okay in front of my kids, including when they're talking about their father. You see being divorced might be a bit big thing, yet it might also be a fun thing. It really depends on how you see it and how you managed to survive your life after it. For me I think my divorce was a mix between those two. Let me tell you first why it's fun for me. it's fun, because I feel free. I'm no longer responsible for someone else's happiness. Someone who does not even care about my happiness. Being single means I'm free. There's no other words than "free" that could describe what I feel and what I am right now. So if you're wondering if I've been trapped in my marriage, yes I was. So when I'm released AKA receiving the paper, I'm so relieved. And now let me te...

Pacarku Udarana, Masih ingat jelas aku minta kamu jadi istriku saat acara utama kita akhirnya akan selesai dan cabang kedai baruku segera dibuka. Kamu bilang pacaran dulu, dalam hatiku tertawa, "apa sih pacaran?". Menurutku itu hanya buang waktu dan membuka aibku sebagai calon suamimu. Aku mau kita pacaran setelah menikah, karena aku yakin kamu adalah calon istri dan ibu yang baik untuk masa depanku kelak. Iya, aku tau, kamu yang nggak yakin sama aku. Aku juga nggak yakin sama diriku sendiri. Maka hari demi hari kita lalui dengan pertengkaran tidak berarti. Apa sih maknanya perbedaan budaya dan kebiasaan kita kalau akhirnya kita harus menyesuaikan dan banyak kompromi sebagai suami-istri? Maka dengan ini, aku putuskan untuk mencintaimu setengah jam sehari. Aku yang akan telpon kamu, setiap jam 3 sore, setiap hari. Kita cerita hari itu, setiap harinya. Kenapa? Karena setengah jam adalah waktu yang paling tepat untuk saling mengikat tanpa rasa takut kehilangan. Karena sete...

Aku habis ribut dengan ibuku. Katanya, aku kalau mencintai orang kok nggak bisa dalam keadaan tenang. Kali ketiga putus cinta, bukan peluk kudapat dari ibu, tapi omelan. Katanya, aku harus belajar santai dalam mencintai orang. Okay, mungkin saatnya ini menekan tombol "pelan" di hati dan otakku. Tumben, keduanya bisa akur dan berdampingan. Padahal seringnya mereka bertentangan dan saling melawan. Sini, duduk sebentar, biar aku ceritakan. Abdul. Dia kakak kelasku di sekolah dulu. Karena hobinya main volley, menurutku Abdul bukan kakak kelas biasa. Lewat sahabatku, aku dapat nomer HPnya dan kami mulai berkirim pesan singkat selama dua minggu hingga akhirnya dia nembak aku untuk jadi pacarnya. Senormalnya siswa SMA yang jatuh cinta (monyet), tentu aku bahagia rasanya punya pacar pertama. Semuanya begitu cepat, aku belajar memahami hobinya, menghafalkan jadwal kelasnya, mengunjungi rumahnya saat orang tuanya tak ada, dan hal 'pacaran' lainnya. Suatu hari dia minta putus. A...

Dear Afi Today is officially a crying day for me after the dream I had about you. We met in a friend's gathering for photoshoot, you were wearing your authentic Javanese outer and wearing your nerdy glasses. I held your hand and we talked with our friends. Before I left the party, I hugged you and said I missed you, you hugged me back and told me to be happy. I asked "Fi, kayak apa sih di sana?" "Terang le, kadang kedengeran suara ngaji samar-samar, kadang adem, tapi terang dan sendirian" then I hugged you one more time before I woke up. Fi, ini udah taun ke-empat sejak lo pergi. Asli, masih sama rasa nggak percaya-nya waktu pertama gue denger lo meninggal. Gue masih inget telpon Bapak dan Ibu, mereka cuma bisa nahan tangis sambil minta maaf. Sampe sekarang gue pun belum ke makamlo, maafin ya, I will very soon. Udah janjian sama Ibu kok. What I wanted to tell you this time, was unlike the one I wrote before . This time I just wanna say, mungkin dari sek...

They call it Covid-19, I call it full of shit self-quarantine. Sorry it's harsh, because my life is too. For the past six weeks we are advised to keep ourselves in distant with anyone, ANYONE basically. The idea is absurd, the whole system, the outbreak, the coverage, and the circumstances are absurd. Believe me, there is one thing that is not: my COVID19 story. It's been six weeks that I am seeing this guy, and it's the most marvellous journey for the past 2 years for me. After the whole rollercoaster life-phase I had to go through, I met someone who, surprisingly, managed to put up with my down times at most of our interactions. He saw me broke down, he saw me angry, & he saw me in the worst version of me: being indecisive. If I were him, I would definitely runaway from our second date. Disastrous moody me. But he stayed. And I don't know how. I know why, though, he is longing for someone to rely on. He is having another life-crisis and meeting someone who is...

WELCOME TO MY BLOG. How did you arrive here? I think it's Instagram, or perhaps the thing we talked about that night? Yes, it's gonna be in English this time, because I don't always do things the way I said them; Indonesian title and English content. It's what's wrong with me. Someone came to me telling random topics that I loved to talk about. I got into deep in the conversation and find this person interesting. There might be one or two times I hit it off, but this person might not notice. Or maybe they did, but they just didn't wanna get lost and focus on that. That's normal. Our relationship went very well and we connect most of the times; any jokes, any things, any ideas and any places we always met. I think I read something about that; a chemistry. Well, I was a language student. Linguistic was my expertise, and all I know, ontologically, chemistry belongs in science class. So basically I suck bad times at chemistry. So maybe I am wrong to label ...

Ngejalanin dan mperjuangin cinta kita ini berat. Besar, dan berat. Ibarat kotak televisi LED 50 inchi yang masih berisi. Tapi terus, aku ketawa. Sudah lama nggak berurusan dengan cinta, karena sepertinya itu benda usang yang kurang cocok denganku. Entah karena aku terlalu tua, entah karena aku terlalu lelah. Sore itu kamu bilang cinta. Aku bingung mau jawab apa, karena sudah lupa rasanya dan bentuknya. Sore itu kamu bilang sayang. Aku bingung, kamu siapa? Orang bilang waktu itu relatif, kalo buatku cinta itu relatif. Relatif seberapa niat dan kuat kita menyatakan, menyadari, menjalankan, dan memperjuangkan. Kayak pejuang ya? Berjuang. Ingat kata berjuang, aku selalu mengasosiasikan diriku dengan banyak hal: bangun pagi untuk pergi mengajar, begadang untuk menjaga anak-anakku, menembus sel penjara menemui Bapakku, atau sekedar membuka mata mendengarkan tutorial menu masakan untuk suamiku. Dulu. Itu berjuang bukan, sih? Bukan? Atau iya? Sejak itu, buatku, berjuang adalah melakukan...

"He wouldn't be like that, I know him." Esther almost yelled at Becca, her best friend. "That is non sense! You barely know him! And he knows nothing about you! So stop overreacting!" It's not the first time they argued about this matter; Matt. They met at a concert, that is just absurd. Esther suddenly fell in love. Becca was just furious about how dumb her best friend can be. Well, it's not the first time Becca witnessed Esther 'falls in love', but this one is certainly the weirdest because Matt is nothing like Esther's type: cool. Matt is so warm that he could melt every girl in the world only with his 'hello'. Matt is so friendly and smart, when he talks he illustrate Wikipedia with his knowledge and credentials. Matt can be your go-to friend when you're in need of some fresh ideas or just cringe joke. Matt is a diligent guy with lots of brilliant thoughts about various things. He is the jack of all trades. While Esthe...

In the very slightest faith, I doubt every single fate written for me beautifully. The last relationship has got me into the deepest worst part of me, and it slammed me so hard I thought I wouldn't be able to get back up again. Then Raka came. In a very weird way. At the very weird time. During the very annoying covid season. Then Raka came to say hi. Yes, that's him. His nerdy glasses, sleek short hair and neat jacket. An easy scooter with two helmets always ready. He brought a million more surprise within a week, and I didn't even have any word of where to start describing things between us. Perhaps it's like.. finding a male version of me. Kind, intelligent, warm, sincere, vulnerable.... tricky. Perhaps. We had many songs during trips, we had many laughs, we had silly arguments. We had differences. We is me and Eqi. It's not different with Raka this time. What makes it different is just the words he chooses and actions he makes. What makes it ...