tulisan hampa

Not everyone is ready to see a long, tiring and boring process of something successful. Sebuah citra misalnya, it's easy to see and judge that on the surface, I am very cheerful and happy. I am always positive and encouraging. Then if you ask my husband, he sees me with my tears almost every night. He hears me saying stupid-silly and annoying things about politic, about people, about many things, really. He sleeps in boredom sometimes listening to my jokes and answering my non-sense. He hugs me most nights, probably because he wants me to stop hurting myself by overthinking ugly possibilities that might never happen. See, not everyone understands this. I think, not everyone is ready to see all of it about me. Kebanyakan orang; mahasiswa, teman, co-worker, strangers, mungkin melihat sisi luar dan hasil dari berbagai proses yang aku jalanin sehari-hari sebagai manusia, sebagai dosen, sebagai pekerja, sebagai ibu, dan sebagai peran lainnya yang aku mainkan. Lalu akupun sadar, bahwa kr...

Pulang dari Pandeglang, aku seperti mendapat banyak oleh-oleh moral yang menyadarkan akan hal baru tentang hidup; dunia ini nggak cuma hitam dan putih. Aku melihat keluarga-keluarga Sunda dan nilai budaya Islam ala leluhurnya. Aku melihat sosok keramahan di sebuah desa bernama Tamanjaya, di kampung Paniis dan aku belajar bahwa cinta itu bermacam bentuknya. Sepertinya nggak adil kalo kubilang "jahat dan salah" kepada seorang nenek yang membawa cucunya bekerja sambil mengumpat manja tiap bocah 1.5tahun itu jatuh dari langkah kecilnya. Aku selalu tau bahwa parenting itu berat, tapi nggak adil juga jika seorang nenek yang aku tidak tau latar belakangnya harus kunilai "salah" saat menyertakan cucunya di kesehariannya. Dan banyak kisah keluarga dan parenting lainnya yang membuatku miris, hingga aku dipaksa menerima hanya dalam hitungan tiga hari kerja. Belum lagi kisah 97 murid sekolah dasar yang minim sentuhan kemajuan dan teknologi padahal pandemi memaksa untuk berevolu...

Dear Mas Hafiz It's a comforting image to me to know that you are sleeping sound with the kids. They are not yours but surprisingly you treat them so much better than their own real father. I am truly blessed having you. Please don't get tired of hearing me adoring and loving you. Please don't get bored with my cuddling attitudes towards you. Please don't stop understanding how much I look up to you a lot. You are truly an answered prayer I've longed for since I was so sure I needed an imaam. Mas, this might be the missing part of me typing as we haven't met 10 days since our business trips. But I am well aware that every day I love you more and more, for everything that you do, and for everything that you are. Thank you very much for choosing me over anything else in your life. I really can't wait to see you & to be in your arms again. With love, Your wife.

Berpasrahlah, karena apa yang jadi milikmu tidak akan melewatkanmu, dan apa yang bukan milikmu tidak akan datang padamu. Rasakanlah hangatnya pelukan sepertiga malam, agar kau ingat lagi berapa banyak rahmat yang tidak bisa kau hitung. Pejamkanlah risaumu, agar kau tidak selalu lelah mengkuantifikasi atau mengkualifikasi setiap kejadian yang harus kau tuntaskan persamaannya. Duduklah lebih dalam, sujudlah lebih lama, agar kau rasakan cinta yang tidak ada bandingannya. Cinta yang tidak selalu kau paham bahasanya, tapi selalu bisa kau reguk tenangnya. Diamlah, lihat lagi sekitarmu. Nikmat yang mana yang kau dustai?

 Underneath the blanket and between the sweats running through our neck and the jawlines. I think this might be the most personal post I have ever written after considering a few possibilities that might come out when it's released. There is something about your touch. It's not necessarily warm all the time, but it touches rightly. There is something hypnotising about your stare, when you look down at me and smile without grinning. You make me so loved and so exposed at the same time. The after feeling is even greater. You make me feel protected without having to fight for it. I am so safe around you. I am so content when you're next to me. Just to feel you looking at me and listening to what I have in my silly mind. Then to always respond to my thoughts erratically. You tell me back stories I haven't heard and you always have something new to surprise me. Effortlessly. Guess it's must be hard for you to love me. Because you make it through so effortlessly. And I lo...

 Belakangan aku sering mengabaikan banyak hal. Dan aku sangat bangga bisa abai. Sampai hari ini aku merasa abai malah mengantarkanku pada rasa kesal yang menumpuk di pojok persembunyiannya. Iya. Rasa kesal itu tidak pergi, tapi ngumpet  di balik beberapa emosi lainnya yang memang dominan akhir-akhir ini. Kepengen doa yang jahat-jahat, tapi takut berbalik padaku. Jadi aku doa yang baik-baik untuk diriku sendiri dan orang lain, biar kebaikannya juga kembali padaku. Boleh kan, pamrih sama Tuhan?

.... of Hafiz. I have to admit, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Berangkat dengan rasa takut didampingi tekad yang bulat untuk mengarungi 'rumah tangga' lagi, sebulan jadi istrinya Hafiz adalah suatu hal yang rewarding. Saking rewardingnya, selain feeling undeserving, I also feel guilty and sorry for all the girls Hafiz had ditched for me. There aren't so many things I can describe here, but just a few monumental moments I'd like to cherish forever. At least as a good sign of a good life and fortune in the near future. 1. He holds my hands in the most unexpected moments. He doesn't do it as much as he did in the past before we were married, yet now it becomes something meaningful because it's rare. I learn that relationship is NOT ALWAYS about keeping the old-sweet-cheesy habits, but also about consistently exploring what your partner is becoming. It upsets me, of course, at some point where I'm still trapped in the course of clinginess when ...

.......I always wonder when it comes to long term-relationships. First of all, where did all the excitement go? Where did the every one hour rain check call go? Where did all the 'call me when you are home' go? Where did I miss you and I love you exchange go? Most of all, where did all the spark go? Has your partner changed so you stopped falling in love? Have you changed your feelings and affection? Has your partner done anything unusual, or maybe even too usual that you lost interest? Have you done enough to make your partner happy that you think there is no more effort you can do? Has your partner gone crazy if they still want the same spark like the first day? Does questioning this issue make your partner crazy for always craving attention and compassion? If your partner decided to try to not care, although it's so hard for them, would you consider them losing interest like you do?

Baby, How do I tell the world that you are my diamond? I don't want you to be taken but I know you're not mine forever. How do I show them that I love you so much? I don't want to let you down but I know you deserve the world. How do I tell them that you're my weak spot? Will that make me weak too? I want to keep you in my arms so I can always protect you. But I know eventually you're gonna be with someone else. You're gonna need someone who can give you what I can't give you. I know there's always someone else who can make you happy. I know there's always someone who can give you what you need and what you want, but not me. Baby girl, I want you to know that I never want to see you sad or make you cry, but you deserve all emotions and experience. You need life. In life, you can't always feel happiness no matter how hard I'm trying to give you one. In life, you'll fall and rise again, you'll get hurt no matter how much I love you. In ...

This is an opposite of me, lying next to you, looking at your face looking away from my face. You make it so hard to do some things lately. First of all, you make expressing my love for you so hard. Everytime I'm trying to express my feeling you express the other way around. Somehow I feel like I'm overreacting or maybe overthinking, it's me. Some other times, I just feel that what I feel is invalid. It's you, your gesture, your way of looking at me, your smile, it's just you. Second of all, you make me hard to concentrate. There aren't many times for me to focus on what I'm supposed to do without thinking of you. You take so much space in my mind and in my heart oh, so much that sometimes I couldn't breathe just to imagine living another day without you. Last but not least, you make it so hard to not love you, let alone to hate you despite all the things that you've done, consciously and unconsciously. I'm taking my days splitting my mind to und...

15 years ago, I disbelieved the constitution called 'marriage'. To me, it's nothing but a complete insanity to share you life with a stranger until the day you die. I thought it was stupid to be with someone new and let go more than a half of you to be something else you're probably not. It was a complete non sense to me to be married and be trapped inside it. Let's say it's part of my trauma with my parents. It took me another decade from that day to understand why I felt what I felt. Then I realised, everything is made for a reason. Nothing is coincident and nothing is not meant to be when it is. 5 years ago, I was finally trapped in my marriage, an unhealthy one. Needless to say how harmful the relationship was for me & my partner back then. We decided to split, hard-heartedly of course but we managed. It was official after 4 years being married. Today, I'm typing this with a full consciousness that I'll be 'trapping' myself again in anoth...

Biar kutulis lagi, hal-hal yang mengingatkanmu kenapa aku jatuh hati & menautkan segenap perasaan buatmu. Di antaranya adalah senyummu, saat memandangku melakukan urusanku. Setiap kutanya kenapa, cuma "emang nggak boleh aku senyum?" Jawabmu. Kamus nonverbal terbatasku mendefinisikannya sebagai "aku kagum padamu", "kamu terlihat cantik kalau begitu", dan "bisakah kita berhenti di masa ini beberapa saat agak lama?" Di antara lainnya adalah sentuhan tanganmu saat sedihku melanda tanpa suara. Tanpa aba-aba seperti mendekap semua masalah dan membasuh bekas luka kering maupun baru. Dan kamus nonverbal terbatasku tentu mendefinisikannya semudah "tenang ya, ada aku, everything will be okay" yang memang selalu jadi jargon hidupmu. Di antara lainnya adalah ungkapan cinta yang tak terduga, atau di selipan kesibukan keseharian. Kamus nonverbal ku tidak berguna, karena kamu berkata apa adanya dan apa arti harfiahnya. Perihal seperti I love you, ...

There is one night I really wonder about you and your curiosity. About bridge. About building. About glass and mirror. About how sky is blue. About how religions divide people. There is one night your curiosity hurts you. You're bleeding so badly from the questions you ask, and I couldn't help you. You said you were okay anyway, so I left. ABOUT THE DAY There is one day you feel extremely clueless about everything, you ask me so many things I don't even have the answer to. I said "I don't know either" but you answered "that doesn't change my feelings for you" ABOUT YOUR FEELING You always come across feelings with me and about everything. You always feel everything, I think at some point that's what makes you distinctive and so sensitive. You are made of a cotton that's sown into a million threads; soft but so strong. Have you ever asked yourself those things you asked me? Or are you just throwing thoughts, topic and curiosity to make me ...

I am getting more and more sceptical about so many things, including my country. Despite the fact that I love my country so much, I feel like the home-works are getting more and more redundant and hopeless. I don't wanna talk about the government, it'd include too much narrative on politics and cruelty. Let's talk about the people. 80 percent of the population owns cellphone and connected to 24hrs internet access. We are supposed to be the agent of change, agent of peace, agent of whatever it is that make us more human by utilising the technology that surrounds us. Again, it's the matter of the morality. How much schools aren't teaching us to be human, schools teaching us to be 'the fittest' or let's just say, 'the fettish'. We compete, consciously and subconsciously with ourselves, our friends and relatives, our community, even our common goals. We contradict our goals every day, we create a new wall between each other and call it 'boundary...

 dan mendalami setiap kata. Ada beberapa jam di hidupku yang habis kugunakan memikirkan hal yang tidak pernah ada, tapi kupikir akan ada karena mungkin rasanya bisa, dan ternyata tetap tidak ada. Yang menyadarkanku adalah kenyataan bahwa setiap ungkapan di tengah malam hanya bisa didengar oleh Sang Pencipta.  Termasuk namamu. Yang aku langitkan di sekian banyak malam, dalam bentuk keluhan maupun luapan rasa rindu. Kamu. hal yang belum aku jumpai tapi kuyakini akan segera hadir di hadapanku, menggugurkan setiap mimpi yang ternyata terbukti, dan mengungkapkan harapan yang bisa tewujud, serta menunaikan janji yang selama ini mengimingi. Iya, kamu. Yang aku bayangkan mendekapku saat kamu butuh, yang aku bayangkan memelukku saat aku butuh. Yang tanpa sepatah kata harus keluar dari mulutku untuk paham apa itu rindu, dan yang tanpa banyak gerakan untuk tau bagaimana menghalau keresahan. Kamu. Dan tatapanmu yang sering kupertanyakan, dan senyumanmu yang sering jadi misteri. Ada satu M...

 I love you the most when: 1. You asked "Apa? Kamu lagi mikir apa?" when I stared blankly to the road on the way in the car. As if, you knew I don't go silent unless I have something in mind. I love when you pay attention to small details and you actually care. Because every time I speak up my mind, you always respond whole-heartedly and it gives me a comfort zone. Perhaps a new one. 2. You abruptly asked "Nonton yuk!" when I'm stuck with work or when I almost fall asleep because of boredom. Like, you know I never sleep unless I'm very tired or I'm bored. We always end up scrolling minutes before deciding what to watch, but the excitement of me watching with you is above any level. Side by side, you just like to not only hold my hand, but also rub it against yours. When it's online, I saw you frequently checking up on my expression and replying to my stupid commentary, as always. 3. You take the kids to pray without me asking. It hurts me to my...

This isn't feel like something old at all. Probably it's different because Hafiz is the guy that I've ben so curious about. He has done way too much sacrifice and practiced the ultimate patience upon my insanity, my trauma, my unreasonable fear and my endless drama. What makes it even more impressive is how he does it effortlessly; the things that used to be scary are now felt so easy. There are things that I thought was crazy, but Hafiz made it more sensible to me. He's the guy with almost zero ambition but to make me happy. His silence means he's talking his deepest thought, and even I wonder how I understand things that he doesn't say. It's weird, or probably known as chemistry. August 1st, we are engaged. This time is the moment I am mostly assured that I deserve to be loved, and to love someone again is not impossible. It just takes the right person, and Hafiz is the one. Bismillah ya. It's a long winding road we're about to go through. So, Bism...

 This is the saddest night of my life. I really can't remember the last time I feel this down and broken. That news just stroke me right to my lungs, and I lost my mind immediately. "Hey isn't this your boyfriend?" along with the picture of him and a girl showing off their engagement rings. I stared at the picture a few seconds before another text popped in "what's going on? I don't understand, I thought you two were fine and getting married!" I didn't reply. I just locked my phone and put it down again. I drowned my face under my pillow and pulled my blanket up to my neck. No, I didn't cry. My head went back to the conversation a couple of months ago, between me and that girl. *** "Hey, sorry, are you waiting for him here?" That's the first words that came out of my mouth when I saw her sitting in her car's driver's seat, looking down to her phone, probably texting my boyfriend. She was in an ugly shock when she saw m...

Writing this one while I'm tucking my kids in bed, I could not help to not think about you and the things we've been through. I really never thought we'd go this far. Kamu, yang tadinya tempatku bermain, melepas lelah dan sedih, kini jadi tempatku berpulang menceritakan lebih dari kelelahan dan kesedihan. Kamu, yang tadinya tempatku mengukir tawa dan berbagai canda, kini jadi tempatku menulis cerita tentang yang sendu hingga yang lucu. Kamu, yang kukira adalah perhentian sekilasku, ternyata lebih nyaman dari semua rencana ku. Kamu yang begitu bersahaja sekaligus begitu banyak rahasia. Kamu yang begitu diam namun menyimpan banyak rasa dan cerita. Kamu yang begitu menenangkan sekaligus suka bertualang. Kamu yang begitu lembut namun sangat kuat hatinya. I really feel undeserving to have met a person like you. I am so swept off of my feet to be loved by a person like you. There is nothing but gratefulness that I'd feel and express when it comes to having you in my life. The...

 Never thought I'd write the title in such repetition, I hate myself. So just want to update you about what has been going on between me and... LIFE. In general, life has been good.  I gotta admit it's mostly because I'm pulled to a therapeutic way to God and the universe. It's nice to have my 1/3 night on sajadah telling my problems and thoughts, unheard, unseen and un-judged by any human-beings. It's so very nice that I think God needs to give me more problems so I can enjoy the bliss being awake at that time and just cry for no reason, or whisper prayers I haven't even heard before. Well, another update I want to highlight is how low key my relationship with Hafiz has been. It's not only because we started off at the wrong line, but also I learned that being low key is so nice at some point. I get to see other perspectives and way to enjoy the subtle and humble life. I saved more and spent more on important stuff almost always, missed here and there but m...

I used to say that if you make it to my blog, then you must have done something grand. This time, it might not apply at all. This time is just a simple thought where I get to describe what I feel and what I fear. I often wonder and ask: how can I be sure that this time is real? I always find the answer to it: "YOU CAN'T. What is sure is Allah, and to Him only you must expect, hope and pray." My questions are found annoying, distrustful and so depressing. Normal and easy-to-go people would find it repelling if they were asked those questions. I'd rather be alone if not find someone else if it's me being doubted and questioned over and over again. I realise it's not always a nice task to do; to convince a person with so many wounds. I even imagine I'm hurting myself by trying to convince this kind of person And yet he stays.

 I used to think that having no ambitions must be so nice. You showed me it was, then I realised, I don't want to be loved unconditionally. As much as it's so weird to hear, but you know what? I really want you to have an ambition. As little as, an ambition to fight for what you think and you feel is right for you.

We were joking about distance. You said it's 51 km between your house and mine. It moved me. Because it's not about how far you go, it's about how far we go. Don't you feel I fall for you? That is the constant thought I have been feeling. Most of the times, I feel the answer is yes, then it leads to another thought of what do you feel? How should we move from here?  Moving. It's so hard to no think about moving with you. It's so hard to let you go off my mind, no matter how hard I try. It strikes me to even think about how empty chats will be when you're not around. See? It moves me even to only overthink it. The more I want to stop, the deeper I fall for you. The farther you go, the closer you feel. I hate feeling guilty, but I cannot stop thinking about you. I wish you talked more, I wish you told me things I need to know without me asking. I wish you told me things I need to know without me asking. Because it burns to be curious, and it burns to wonder ab...

 Kepada setiap percakapan yang hanya berjalan sepersekian menit, tidak sejaman, aku menyimpan banyak senyum simpul, dari bibir hingga dadaku, untuk percakapan kita. Yang biasanya diakhiri dengan tekanan tombol suka, atau sekedar good night juga. Yang biasannya kamu awali dengan apa kabar, dan kuakhiri dengan sebentar. Besok kita bicara lagi, lewat senja, seperempat malam dan menuju pagi di tengah malam berikutnya. Kamu, dan semua kejutan kecilmu.

I remember seeing a post from a friend saying that: mau sekecil apapun masalah dan perihal, kalo masuk ke hati yang kecil akan terasa besar dan hatinya jadi sempit. Begitupun betapa besarnya masalah dan perihal, kalo masuk ke hati yang lapang, tetap nggak akan nghabisin space di hati orang tersebut. Buatku, nggak butuh jadi orang religius untuk merasakan yang namanya "iman" dan quote di atas bener banget. Masalah sekecil apapun, kalo masuk ke hati yang kecil, sempit dan sesak, pasti terasanya jadi masalah besar yang bikin sesak. Sedangkan masalah sebesar apapun, kalo masuk ke hati orang yang lapang, maka ngga akan makan lahan yang berlebihan dan orang itu masih bisa berlega-lega ria. Buatku, ini bagian dari iman. Aku yakin yang Allah membesarkan dan mengecilkan hati manusia. Abis kalo bukan Allah, apa atau siapa lagi? Pengetahuan manusia kah? Nggak juga, banyak orang intelek yang susah ikhlas dan ridho sama suatu hal. Pengalaman manusia kah? Nggak juga, orang tua dengan banya...